Concrete advise needed

[Picard]

DS is 31 months. Generally a good boy, but at times he is very difficult to be with. What do you do in these situations: willfully throws water on the floor (again and again); biting; throwing stuff down the toilet; plugging and unplugging appliances; taking breakables (glassware/ceramics) out of cupboards and sometimes willfully throwing them down and breaking them.

We live in a small space and cannot lock the bathroom or put our cookware elsewhere. We do not punish, but we see ourselves yelling frequently now and we do not like this. It comes from a place of powerlessness and sometimes despair at what to do. We do not like the 'if-you-do-this-then...' , or the 'time out' approach. Right now, we tell him that we do not appreciate his behaviour, and we explain why. We also tell him lots of times that we love him. I really try not to yell. I clean/fix whatever needs to be cleaned/fixed and talk about the incident later in a quiet manner. Sometimes, I use puppets (when I remember to use them). It seems that he continues to challenge us with these particular things. Is this age-related, or are we just not understanding how to make things clear to him?

[Petie1104]

Step one....instead of cleaning and fixing, have him do some of the cleaning and fixing.  A 2.5 yr. old CAN help clean up the water he spills on the floor.  He CAN help unclog a toilet by cleaning up the mess that happens after fixing it (wiping the floor with a towel, putting away the tools etc.) 

Buy locks for the cabinets.  They have child locks that need a magnetic "key" to open them, so he can't manipulate it to open.

For biting, we always saw biting as a danger to those around them, so if they can't be safe around others they need to be away from them until they are willing to stop hurting people.  This is logical as no adult would remain near another adult that is attacking them. 

Oh, plugging and unplugging, well, what appliances are we talking about?  Are we talking about the refrigerator? or the blender? Is there any way to move furniture to cover the outlets? That one you may have to get creative with.  DH works with electronics and actually told our kids about the blue dragon in the outlets that would bite them if they made it mad. Sounds like a lie, but honestly, two of them have tested it and then cried about how the blue dragon bit them.  The other two have no interest in making his aquaintance.

Some of this is age expected, meaning you expect to see at this age, but that doesn't make it appropriate.  The behavior still needs to be addressed.  We use natural and logical consequences. Part of that is adequate supervision, if you can't trust him in the kitchen, don't let him go in there without you around, or make sure he can't open the cabinets.  If the bathroom is an issue, you can always make him clean up his messes (it won't be perfect but it is the fact that he is learning that making a mess=cleaning it up).  The other part is finding the natural or logical consequences associated with something.  Making a mess=Cleaning it up.  Biting=People don't want to play with me (I know it sounds mean but DO you want to play with him when he bites?)  These are as logical and natural as Going outside in January without a coat=I get cold. 

You say you don't like "if you do this then" but isn't that all of life.  IF I touch the hot stove THEN I get burned.  IF I yell at my husband THEN he gets mad.  IF I speed THEN I get a ticket.  All of life is IF/THEN and it is only fair to warn him....IF you bite mommy THEN you need to spend some time alone.  IF you dump that water THEN you will have to clean it up.  It's not bad unless it's threats against their person, IF you drop that water THEN I will hurt you (spank you, whatever). 

Just some thoughts. I hope something I wrote helps you even if it is just a little.

[oaktreemama]

 

DS is 31 months. Generally a good boy, but at times he is very difficult to be with. What do you do in these situations: willfully throws water on the floor (again and again);

Why is he getting chance after chance? Either the water goes away or it goes in a sippy cup. Throwing water is fun. SO I would simply work on prevention until he matures a bit more.

biting;

Biting is a huge no-no. Thankfully my son has only bitten me once (he has tried other times but I could see it coming) and I simply set him down, told him he hurt me a lot and walked away. Repeat repeat repeat. If it was really bad, I would consider breaking out the packnplay again and placing him in there. I would use this as a last resort as I don't really believe in tomeouts-often times I ask if my son needs Mama time and that usually nips the aggression in the bud. I tihnk sometimes he gets overwhelmed with his emotions and doesn't know how to say, "Mama, I need a hug."

throwing stuff down the toilet;

Buy a lock for the toilet. They make them and they are cheap.

plugging and unplugging appliances;

They make something that covers the whole socket and makes it almost impossible to unplug anything:

http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=399762

taking breakables (glassware/ceramics) out of cupboards and sometimes willfully throwing them down and breaking them: 

Unacceptable. Why is he able to do this? He would not be out of my sight. If you can't lock the cupboards (and there are a gazillion devices to do this or even bungy cords work depending on your layout) then babygate the kitchen or simply hover over him.

Does he have his own cupboard where he can take things out of? I found this helped my intrepid explorer-having his own drawer made a big difference as I could redirect to his things.

I am a huge believer in prevention and redirection. I see no reason to spend my days yelling "No." I would be actively looking for ways to prevent, redirect, and give him safe areas to play and explore with. Water play, container play, etc.

[BCFD]

I agree with the PP's!  I would work more on PREVENTION.  Close doors, get babygates, outlet covers, etc.  When my kids were toddlers, they constantly wanted to play in the dog's water bowl.  So, we taught our dogs to "ask" for water at the tap! No kidding!  People that came over would ask, "Umm...why is your dog following me and jumping up at the sinks?" LOL!!  

My kids are now 6, 5, and 4 and I still find myself moving our belongings so they can't get into them.  I'd rather move something out of reach than spend my time following them around telling them 'no' constantly.  

[Picard]

Thank you for your replies, but the problem is that we live in an open-plan house. We have no lockable doors. The other day, we tried locking the bathroom door with the key and we locked ourselves out. It was very difficult to open it back up. Our cupboards too are open-plan, and we have no room to put things elsewhere. DS is just very enterprising and strong-willed and will grab a chair from the living room to get to where he wants to be. Sigh.

I need to qualify the if-then approach. We do say: "If you do this (activity that we don't want him to do), then it is over. We have to stop this activity." We don't say: "If you do this (x), you cannot do something else (Y)."

We do ask him to help with cleaning up messes.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by Picard 

Thank you for your replies, but the problem is that we live in an open-plan house. We have no lockable doors. The other day, we tried locking the bathroom door with the key and we locked ourselves out. It was very difficult to open it back up. Our cupboards too are open-plan, and we have no room to put things elsewhere. DS is just very enterprising and strong-willed and will grab a chair from the living room to get to where he wants to be. Sigh.

I need to qualify the if-then approach. We do say: "If you do this (activity that we don't want him to do), then it is over. We have to stop this activity." We don't say: "If you do this (x), you cannot do something else (Y)."

We do ask him to help with cleaning up messes.

I understand the open floor plan, so maybe some other ideas, like the cabinet locks.  You can also get these things that go over the bathroom handle that make it difficult for the child to open the door.  Things like this.  If you go to wal-mart or even lowe's sometimes has childproofing materials, they have a ton of things that may work. 

I'm glad you clarified the if/then issue.  I'm sorry I misinterpreted. 

[HappyMommy2]

Originally Posted by Picard 

 The other day, we tried locking the bathroom door with the key and we locked ourselves out. It was very difficult to open it back up. Our cupboards too are open-plan, and we have no room to put things elsewhere.

We put a hook-and-eye lock near the top of the bathroom door, on the outside.  We don't lock people in, but we keep it locked when necessary to keep the kids out.

[oaktreemama]

Btu that doesn't matter when it comes to the other stuff. Throwing water on the floor is the same regardless of the floor plan. You can still get cabinet locks, toilet locks, and outlet covers to help keep your LO safe. Playing in the toilet is not safe. Breaking things on the ground is not safe. Unplugging appliances is not safe. What kind of appliances? Ones that can hurt him?