If you are fostering, how do your other children deal with the uncertainty?

[sparklett]

We are in the process of answering our list of 100 questions about adoption.  We're slowly easing into the process and in October will decide whether to move forward with adoption or ???. 

Anyway, I am no stranger to the foster system.  My grandparents fostered 13 children during my childhood and adopted four of those children.  I absolutely love my adopted aunts and uncles.  I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and it was somewhat hard to have children there for a couple of weeks, grow new friendships, and then suddenly they would be gone.  There are so many people who lived with my grandparents and I have no idea what happened to them, if they are okay, etc. 

DS is 3 years old.  If we go into the foster-adopt program, there is always that chance that we'll fall in love with a child and then that child will be taken away.  How do you address this with your children?  Has something like this happened to you?  How did you deal with it?  I know I would be able to muddle through as an adult, but I am so afraid of the impact it will have on DS.

This is one of the big questions that will help guide us in our decisions.

[heatherdeg]

That's a valid concern because the goal in fost-adopt is for reunification and then you're the backup.  And until that goal is changed, you should EXPECT that they will leave--if not back to the parents, then to a relative that's likely not to pony up until the reality of those kids being adopted by strangers becomes very real.

My bs was 3 when we started.  We always set the stage for the kids to go home.  It is WAY easier to deal with them staying as the change than expecting them to stay and explaining them leaving--ya know?  We always posed it to my son (and the kids) that we were just giving the kids a safe place to live until their parents could take care of them.  If your child is 3yo, then this is more likely for his benefit because if you're being advised wisely, you wouldn't be taking kids older or bigger than him; and the younger ones may not "get" what's going on.  But to pose it any other way leaves way too much uncertainty in the air--for all of you, actually.  It's easier to cope with a goal change to adoption than it is to constantly wonder IF they're going home (when that's the goal to begin with).

By the time my son was 4-1/2, he understood foster care so well that when a neighbor up the block dropped her kids off at our house for an emergency (her dh had a heart attack!), the little one was so upset that I had to hold him on my lap for a while.  He was a good friend of my son.  My son came up to him and said "Don't worry--we'll help you until your family can be back together.  We'll take care of you and try to be like a family until they're back."  It broke my heart but at the same time, he totally "got" it.  :)

Of course, when we got an adoptive placement (a SafeHaven baby who came to us with a goal of adoption), he had a hard time understanding why she wasn't going to ever leave--weren't her parents even trying?  Did they throw her out?  It caught me off guard!  We certainly thought quick on our feet to resolve the questions appropriately, but MAN!!  LOL!  He definitely understood her staying with no problem.

Good luck to you!!!

[Polliwog]

Thanks Heather.

[Drummer's Wife]

I'm glad you posted, Heather.  I bet your response was helpful for the OP (It was helpful for me). 

We are just considering fostering (with interest in foster-to-adopt) at this point, and I have a lot to think about and learn - mainly right now I'm stuck on the ethical issues, at least in my particular area due to the way the foster system here is ran, but that's a whole other thread ;).  Anyhow, if we do start the process, I plan to explain to my children what foster care is (in simple terms), and that we are providing a loving temporarily home for those who are placed with us until they can return to their own family.  Because, really, even if in my heart I have a desire to adopt from foster care eventually, the goal is and always should be reunification with either the parents or another family member.  You shouldn't have to explain why the children were "taken" from you, because they were never yours to begin with, yk?  I think it would be a lot easier to explain why, after working with their family and the system to the best of our abilities, we are given a chance to consider adopting a foster child.  I really do think it would be easier on my four children to get them used to the idea of having a new, permanent sibling, if it came down to it, over having them think we get to possibly "keep" a child who had came into our home only to later on be disappointed because that child is going back to their family.  The only one of my kids I would consider being slightly more forthcoming with is my oldest, my DD who is almost 10.  And even then, I would be hesitant to share too much about the possibilities in the future, if that makes sense. As far as they would be concerned, we are just providing foster-care, since despite there being a foster-to-adopt option, the adoption piece is not near as likely as only fostering the majority of placements in any given situation.

I guess you'd just have to look at it as if you are babysitting for another family for either short-term or long-term (not something you'd likely even know from day-to-day depending on the situation), and know that of course it will be emotional when a child leaves your house - whether they were there for a couple days or 10 months.  That's normal, I'm sure, but you have to remember that above all is the child's well-being - and since, again, the whole point of taking kids into foster care is to work on the goal of getting them back to their families, those emotions will also include happiness knowing that you did your part to work towards that. 

[sparklett]

Thanks for your responses.  Heather, your response is helping me develop a framework for both talking and thinking about this entire process.  Thank you.

[sweetkid]

I am one of nine children in a foster/foster adopt home. My Mother and Father fostered @25 children adopted 3 of them,then divorced when My father thought our family was complete and My Mother did not agree. She went on to adopt 3 more children and has fostered @100. She was recently recognized for fostering for 45 years. My Mother was NOt a good foster parent by any stretch of the imagination,the abuse we witnessed by her has scarred all of us older kids in dramatic ways. We all waited until well into our 30's to heal and have children of our own. As kids we were often depressed and confused about the comings and goings of what in our minds were our siblings,as an older sibling I was given almost no choice as to how much I patricipated in caring for numerous foster children,my younger siblings (all foster adopted from birth) consider me thier defacto co-parent,while I love and honor that connection it has caused my Mother and I to hve a very difficult relationship at best. Children do not think in terms of "babysitting" when the baby in question lives in your home and takes an enormous amount of your parents time. Foster children come into the sytstem with an inordinate amount of emotional wounds,they require much more energy than a child that has not suffered the separation from thier parents and the situations that got them into care,your children WILL be wounded from witnessing and being part of this system.My older siblings and I all had/have attachment issues,anger,fear of commitment,and do not connect with or honor my mother choice to continue fostering. Family therapy would be essential IMO to keep these issues at bay.

No one is going to have the same experience fostering,it will effect every member of your family differently and there are rewards,but it is romantizing foster care to think that the reward is knowing you are doing your part.The reward is there for sure,in my better moments I do acknowledge that had my mother been a good foster parent our lives would have been dramatically different.

In short..I tell everyone I know to wait until their birth children are very grown before fostering,or foster before you have birth children or foster instead of having birth children.

good luck with whatever you decide,you are in for the journey of a lifetime for sure!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by sweetkid 

I am one of nine children in a foster/foster adopt home. My Mother and Father fostered @25 children adopted 3 of them,then divorced when My father thought our family was complete and My Mother did not agree. She went on to adopt 3 more children and has fostered @100. She was recently recognized for fostering for 45 years. My Mother was NOt a good foster parent by any stretch of the imagination,the abuse we witnessed by her has scarred all of us older kids in dramatic ways. We all waited until well into our 30's to heal and have children of our own. As kids we were often depressed and confused about the comings and goings of what in our minds were our siblings,as an older sibling I was given almost no choice as to how much I patricipated in caring for numerous foster children,my younger siblings (all foster adopted from birth) consider me thier defacto co-parent,while I love and honor that connection it has caused my Mother and I to hve a very difficult relationship at best. Children do not think in terms of "babysitting" when the baby in question lives in your home and takes an enormous amount of your parents time. Foster children come into the sytstem with an inordinate amount of emotional wounds,they require much more energy than a child that has not suffered the separation from thier parents and the situations that got them into care,your children WILL be wounded from witnessing and being part of this system.My older siblings and I all had/have attachment issues,anger,fear of commitment,and do not connect with or honor my mother choice to continue fostering. Family therapy would be essential IMO to keep these issues at bay.

No one is going to have the same experience fostering,it will effect every member of your family differently and there are rewards,but it is romantizing foster care to think that the reward is knowing you are doing your part.The reward is there for sure,in my better moments I do acknowledge that had my mother been a good foster parent our lives would have been dramatically different.

In short..I tell everyone I know to wait until their birth children are very grown before fostering,or foster before you have birth children or foster instead of having birth children.

good luck with whatever you decide,you are in for the journey of a lifetime for sure!

Funny, because the childhood you described was pretty close to mine in my biological, single parent household with a mother that kept having kids as she felt it would keep the next guy--leaving me to care for newborns at the age of 8.

I agree with you that foster children absolutely tax the family resources.  We happen to be a two-parent home with a stay-at-home mom and a work-at-home dad.  When we took older children (briefly) this was critical because, yeah, our son would've been back-burnered to deal with crises as the kids were adjusting otherwise.  It was also huge when we took infants because although during the day it really wasn't any different than having a biological newborn eat up your time, the withdrawal backlashes would've left me too sleepless to appropriately deal with my son if I didn't have my husband's help--and I mean fully hands-on help.  I have been able to leave my husband with my son & daughter (from the time she was 6mo & he was 5) for 2-4 days at a time and know that he could care for them pretty much as well as I could.  We also only ever took a second infant if the first one had been "stable" for a while and was sleeping through the night, had an established schedule, etc.  That only happened once.

And we also took special care to help my son understand what was going on.

It doesn't sound like you had any of that.  So to paint a blanket picture of all children growing up as the permanent members of a family that fosters might be slightly skewed.  Neither of us can say with absolutes how you might feel differently if you'd been my biological (or adopted) child with the experiences that mine have.

For the record, we are no longer fostering because our adopted daughter didn't respond well to sharing mommy with the last placement (this was when she was 13mo--we hadn't had a placement since before we received her at 12 days old, and she is now 2yo).  It simply isn't the season of our lives to do that without hurting our children.  It doesn't sound like your mom felt that strongly about how fostering was affecting her children, or maybe wasn't as attuned to you guys to see if it was a problem.  But that doesn't mean all people that foster are like that.  I don't have a NEED to care for these children that is stronger than my need to ensure my own kids are getting the best parent me & dh can possibly be for them.  Some people definitely NEED to be the hero and make themselves feel better through foster care--or any other number of things that they throw themselves into in the name of making themselves feel important--at the expense of their families.  I'm sure we all know people that do this.

And if you're one of THOSE people... then the kids that live in your home are going to suffer no matter what it is you're keeping yourself pre-occupied with in the name of making yourself feel important.

[mamasee]

We did foster care for two years before our dd was born.  After her birth, we waited to continue fostering.  I had always thought I would wait until she was 5 to continue, but life circumstances (an unplanned pregnancy followed by miscarriage) changed that plan and we started up again when she was 3 1/2.  We have had 5 kids with us over the last five years.  Four of those kids have been older than her (two boys and two girls - ages ranging from 5yrs-10yrs) and one little one who was 6 mo. old when she came to us and 18 mo. old when she left.  Two of those five kids have lived with us long enough for them to really be a lasting part of our family (the baby and a six year old girl).  In all cases, my dd has known that foster care means we are providing a safe and loving home while the bio parents are working on becoming parents who can take good care of their kids and keep them safe.  When the 18 mo. old left us two months ago, I was a complete mess inside.  I was losing a daughter and the system was doing a terrible job of creating a transition for her to her out of state relatives.  I managed to keep my interactions about this with my dd pretty positive - while acknowledging how much we all loved her and would miss her but that she was going to get to live with her grandmother.  My dd did experience sadness, but, mostly, we were and still are so grateful for the time we got to know this amazing little girl.  My dd is experiencing a different life than many of her friends because of our choice to take in foster children.  But, I believe that if she grows up watching her mom care for her and for others that that will be a good thing.  I observe that her life is richer because of these children we have known through foster care.  I also know that if she ever expressed distress about the choice our family is making (and we include her - at her level - in that choice) that we would address those needs.  Also, a side note that for me is important - my bio dd has been, by far, the most high-need of any of the children we have cared for.  That is who she is.  It has been both extremely difficult and a blessing to have such a high-need child as my bio daughter.  And, somehow, it fits in perfectly to our choice to be a foster family for kids in need.  We are open to foster-adopt, but, so far none of our foster children have been in need of our adoption.

In a more direct answer to your question, I think that kids are way more matter of fact in dealing with difficult things like death or departure or other tough issues than adults are.  We know too much about "what it means" while they are more focused on "hey, what are we going to do now?" and dwell less on the complexities of a situation.  And, of course, they will look to see how you (and the other significant adults in their lives) handle the situation and take their cues from you.

All the best in your journey,

Cindy

[JoyFilled]

Did anyone else cry at HeatherDeg's response?

We fostered 3 kids for a year and half before DD was born and 2 months after she was born and then they went home.  We got the 2 younger ones every Sunday while they were home for a year and a half.  In the last year we have had over 20 kids come and go for respite.  My DD is  very social and very easy going and loved having everyone come.

Our 2 kids just came back into care 3 weeks ago and will probably be here a while.  The little girl is 4 but really acts like a 2 year old and is very loud and demanding.  My DD and her use to have a lot of fun together but now they mostly fight. Picture "Mine - no Mine - No Mine - All Mine" all day.  I think though the benefit of having a sibling and learning to share outweighs the little fights.

What I have heard the most from bio kids raised in foster homes is how much they missed the attention from their parents.  That their mom and dad didn't come to their school play etc.  As we are both WOHPs our time is limited.  But I have a nice job and take time off every month or two to have a full day of just moma and dd time.  Also, DD is still nursing and co-sleeping which I think is helping her a lot.

I hope I never have to explain why these kids leave.  And I usually explain things to my foster kids as it is whatever the judge, social worker and their mom says.

[Thandiwe]

I have 3 little ones: 5, 3, and 10 months old.  We fostered a little one for 2.5 years who was stuck in the system, came to us at 4 weeks old.  The original goal for the first 2 months was termination due to prior terms but that never happened and she just went home nearly 2 weeks ago.  Originally, we were preparing for permanency with her.  But as that shifted, we were forced to work towards r/u.  I have always been open with my 5 year old about why we were fostering and what it meant.  When he would say how he wanted her to stay, I would say, "Well, that's up to the judge to decide based on whether or not her mommy gets better at parenting."  As the time got closer and we could feel it in our bones, we went ahead and told him she was.  It's like what Heather said; I would rather he be pleasantly surprised than heart-broken. 

But the truth is, the words never mattered.  He was heartbroken.  We all are.  I could have said she was flying to meet Elvis on the moon with Jesus Himself and he just wouldn't have cared.   He fell in love with her as his sister - as we all did - and he lost her.  But now is when my husband and I have to dig deep into our reserves and show him how to rise above and love what we had with her, and to cry when it really really hurts.  It has been a life-changing experience.  We also are listening to him when he says he never wants to do fostering again.  The truth is, they all lost a bit during the whole process.  They had less time from me because she was high needs all along and became special needs with language towards the end of our time.  With the case and it's demands, we were often pre-occupied.  So they lost out along the way.  Now they lose out because they hurt.  They are resilient, and life is marching on and we are still laughing and smiling the majority of the time, but mentioning her name, coming across a misplaced sock of hers, or seeing a picture can still bring my 5 year old to sadness.

So, the truth IMHO is that you can't really keep them from it.  You make the choice to move forward with fostering knowing full-well it could really hurt them in one way or another.  If I had it to do over again, would I?  Absolutely.  Hands down.  It made a difference for her.  It showed my children how to love and let go.  It showed them that the unthinkable can happen, and we will still keep living, life moves forward.  We survive. 

[alwayslearning66]

Just a quick response here. We tell our daughter, now 7, the same thing we tell our foster son, a. 4.  He often asks if we are his forever family and has stated with clarity that he wants that. We always respond that we would love him to stay here forever, but it is not up to us. We refer to the adults who make this decision (using kid books about fostering and his experience with case workers) and say they are making sure he will be in a safe and loving home next. I feel worried if he does return to mom since it will not be safe, but this takes the decision out of our hand and allows him to feel loved in his current placement (going on 9 months). He has had only a few visits with a father last summer, so our goal is is to keep him feeling attached, secure and loved. I don't talk much about his birth family unless he brings it up so as not to beat a dead horse and also to allow him to process at his own pace. He recently mentioned missing a birth parent and we are helping him process that. Our daughter seems to understand all this, though I know we will all be devastated if he moves on. I'm sure the process will be slow, so we'll have time to adjust to the idea. Our daughter recently set aside toys of hers that she wanted to give him for his next placement, so she's keeping this idea in the back of her mind despite that we don't push  words like "foster son" and "foster parents." He quickly picked up our daughter's words for us  and has always referred to his bio mom by her name. He is our son and we are his parents at this time, so this is what we use for reference as opposed to constantly pushing the fact that he is different. If visits start up again, we'll handle that bridge. I will say, everything we've done I've written about and has now been used in court. This was a surprise for me.

Best of luck!

[Thandiwe]

I hope for your sake it is slow, but our situation was horrifically fast.  We had our dfd for 2.5 years, since she was a mere 4 weeks old.  It was a roller-coaster case (I suppose so very many of them are!), but when they decided in November that she would be returning home (which she had been at supervised visitation for the duration of the case), she had a mere 3 overnight visit sets.  They started immediately out with two nights at a time.  After three sets (one of which was 3 nights), she was gone.  It was very, very fast and very traumatic to our family.  I don't know how she handled it since her mom has refused any contact with us, despite efforts on our behalf.

I hope things go better for you if he moves on.  ((hugs))

 

Originally Posted by alwayslearning66 

Our daughter seems to understand all this, though I know we will all be devastated if he moves on. I'm sure the process will be slow, so we'll have time to adjust to the idea.

[alwayslearning66]

Oh how well put. Your poetry about doing it again in a heart beat really struck a chord. We all need to learn to love, give and live. This I hope my daughter is learning, despite the inevitable heartache she will experience if it does not go our way.

It should go slow since no one has had a visit in 6 months. Bio mom hasn't seen him for 12 months nor even spoken with him. Please please please....