Processing this journey

[Theloose]

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's messing with my head. Too much is happening at once with our health, and I need a place to jot stuff down to get it out of my head. And I like to think out loud, or better yet come back and find someone else doing the thinking for me so voilà, a new scatterbrained thread

First, I feel AWESOME. Ignoring the details of life and current reactions and stuff, If I could freeze my mental state and stick with that, I'm done. Done. Done!!!

A couple years ago, right after starting adrenal supps, we went to yellowstone for a week. Best week of my life, I felt better than ever. After getting back, I wasn't as good about the supps, slipped and slid, and the feeling was gone. This whole time, my goal has been to get back to that place. I don't care what I'm eating, if I can get there, I'm happy. This past month, I've been there. Can you tell I'm excited? And relieved?

Variables in question include a consult with pb, some desperately needed taking care of myself, and starting glutathione. At yellowstone, that was one of the few times I was on almost bowel tolerance C every day. Now I wonder if they're related.
Edited by Theloose - 11/22/10 at 11:51pm

[Theloose]

(told you this would be scattered!)

We've been sick with the stomach flu.  For me, I basically didn't eat or really drink for about 48 hours, then got my appetite back and am fine though weak.  (Today's day 3 of feeling better)  My milk supply took a major hit that I'm still working to rebuild.  There's nothing like pushing the limits to get new pieces of the puzzle!

I haven't been on glutathione since being sick (or many other supps) and my good mood has persisted.  Good mood?  Awesome mood.  It's like there's different levels of moods, yeah?  There's major depression, things are BAD type moods, there's mildly bad moods, there's chronically stressed/irritable, then there's things are good moods.  And this?  I'm charged.  Hyper, motivated, totally different outlook on life, things just seem easier and simpler and... just good.  How do I explain?  And it feels like there's nothing that can touch it.  Nothing can bring me down.  And I'm turning outwards for the first time in my life.  It's like deep down, I've always been focused on *me* cause something just isn't right, and somebody pay attention to ME and fix it.  And now?  It's like ok, that's fixed, let me pour my energy out to you now.  Taking care of dd and ds and dh is FUN.  I feel special that I have the power to turn off dd's whiny moods (it helps that she's sick and pitiful right now) instead of frustrated or bothered.  It's like all those parenting wisdom and advice tidbits I've read over the years, about just changing your own perspective and find the enjoyment and :blah, before I read them and tried to implement them.  Now, they just happen.  There's no trying.  Don't really even have to think about it.

And I feel like this is what people are supposed to be like.  Like when you read books like the Continuum Concept and the people are all happy go lucky?  It seems to me like this is what a healthy human is supposed to feel like.

[deditus]

Woo hoo! I totally understand. I have had the elusive "perfect" times, too. For me, it is when I am taking everything (supplement-wise). But still, I am a different person now, and acquired some skills that I lacked my whole life. Nothing like a shy introvert getting some dopamine at 30 to make parenting a shy extrovert easier!

[tanyalynn]

I want to participate but (ha ha) I'm not in the mental set to do it right now.  Once we're in El Paso, I'll feel better, but right now, I'm in one of those not-great mental places--at least some thinking helped me figure out why.  Now I need to decide to change my attitude--sleep will help.

But I want to talk about stuff like this, I've had some times when I've felt like this, though I find that balancing everything, sleep, good food for me, good food for everyone else, pills, it's tricky enough that I don't get to that great place all that often. 

[Theloose]

What's hurting my head most right now, I think, is that I don't know what to think or do about food anymore. We never really got to baseline with foods alone anyway, and never have really had clear food trials. So I don't know for sure what causes reactions and what doesn't and for who. Dd eats gluten now and then with no trackable symptoms. I haven't trialed it since that first time, though I didn't have any symptoms myself then either, and it was clearly causing issues. So now we avoid it, but I don't say no to her. Same for almost everything else at this point.

With the tummy bug, dd has been on 80% or more milk. And she's got an awful red bum rash. I don't know if I blame the stomach flu or the kefir I tried. I think a lot of her lack of reactions has to do with her 'outgrowing' them, or her body getting complicated enough that it hides them, or her eating enough other food that my milk isn't swaying her body so much at a time.

I also want to cause her mood was awesome all day today, just like mines been. She's finally got enough energy back to play, and she was just so... Normal, happy, reasonable... It's like the happy dd she was as a baby before the anxiety stuff started taking her over. I really think it's got to be the gut bugs, right? But how do we make sure they never come back? And if they do, will it take another major purge to clear them again? Is that something that can be induced without a virus? Or is it not that they're gone, just that they're no longer being fed and so not manufacturing toxins right now?

I suppose what I'm struggling with is where do I put my energy right now? Possible food culprits? Nutrients? Enzymes and probiotics? Psychological factors? I certainly am having trouble doing them all at once, I don't have that much mental energy to spare. Or do I just ignore her and ds (health-wise) for the next few months while I get myself shooken out and steady? And speaking of ignoring, I've been totally focusing on myself this whole time. How do I choose who needs it most for the next round?

And what do you do with a nursing to sleep baby and a pitifully crying dd in the next room, who just wants her mommy so she can fall asleep an no, daddy will NOT do? At least with the improved mood it was tears instead of screaming. I'll take that as an improvement.

[tanyalynn]

Originally Posted by Theloose And I'm turning outwards for the first time in my life.  It's like deep down, I've always been focused on *me* cause something just isn't right, and somebody pay attention to ME and fix it.  And now?  It's like ok, that's fixed, let me pour my energy out to you now.  Taking care of dd and ds and dh is FUN.  I feel special that I have the power to turn off dd's whiny moods (it helps that she's sick and pitiful right now) instead of frustrated or bothered.  It's like all those parenting wisdom and advice tidbits I've read over the years, about just changing your own perspective and find the enjoyment and :blah, before I read them and tried to implement them.  Now, they just happen.  There's no trying.  Don't really even have to think about it.

And I feel like this is what people are supposed to be like.  Like when you read books like the Continuum Concept and the people are all happy go lucky?  It seems to me like this is what a healthy human is supposed to feel like.

I've had times like this, it is SO cool.  Like I could conquer the world--or really, create the world I want to live in and raise my kids in. 

How to get there... for each improvement I'm making, it feels like it's closer, and I get there more often.  First couple of years, never there, not even close.  Now I feel like I'm on the brink of it, and if I can just take care of myself to relieve the fatigue (which I shouldn't be up at 11pm typing here to do that), then I think I could be mostly there on an ongoing basis.  I'm wondering if the DMG is helping me with this.  I take it as often as DS, so 2-3x/day, and I haven't noticed it doing anything one way or the other but I've kept up with it, and between that and the extra methyl B12, since I take that at the same time as the kids too, if that's not helping something along.

I've wondered about a consult with PB for myself, I think it's helping DH--and he's not the chatty type, I wondered how a phone consult would go, but I just mentioned it as a possibility, no pushing or suggesting, and he went with it, so I had my fingers crossed it would be good for him.

Anyway... you know I focused on myself for a couple years, with fairly basic stuff only for the kids.  I think getting me more functional and happier (from mildly-bad moods to a mix of chronically stressed/irritated and sometimes good) was for all of our long-term good.  Having me in a good place mentally is a huge asset around here.  I have an excellent ability to project unhappiness on the kids.   

I guess going forward... if you think you can "force" her gut to stay in a good spot with something straightforward like enzymes and probiotics (or did you see improvements with CLA appetizers and maybe something else, so no digestive enzymes for DD?), then I'd say do that, and then focus on you.  I mean--if there's something you can put in place for her, fairly straightforward that doesn't take a lot of tweaking and problem-solving, then I'd do that.  Well, I *did* do that, with my two.  And once you learn what works for you, it should be easier with the kids--less guess-and-check, more just do it. 

re: food, you've got some stuff that you've seen is bad, right?  Soy, stone fruit, dairy's never been obviously good, has it?  And I think gluten is the devil, though I am getting more relaxed about possible/likely x-con since I've seen that we just don't react anymore.

I may need to stop abruptly, DS is coughing.

But anyway, maybe keep it simple and then after that, just try to keep it nutritious?  Does that seem reasonable?  I guess no gluten/dairy/soy/stone fruit isn't exactly simple.  Hey... not that this makes things simple, but if you think gut stuff is a big deal, have you considered something like SCD? 

re: fixing things again, to me, each time I take a step back (cheat with gluten or stop most of my supps for a while or whatever) it's easier to get back to a good place--I've made more progress, I think.  And I think DS, and actually DD too, are needing their supps less.  I mean, I need to keep them up all through while we're finishing chelating (and I need to do a bit better with a couple supps and some digestive support for that) but, for example, we were out of zinc and I didn't have any for them for I think a week or so... or maybe we ran out of bioplasma?  Something that in the past has caused DD to chew her fingernails, and this time, she didn't.  And DS isn't as sensitive to skipping his supps, like when we travel or when we're in El Paso and the routine is totally out of whack, as he used to be.  So it really seems like the more you get done, the easier it is to get back on track after getting off. 

I'm glad you started this thread, I needed a bit of inspiration to keep things going.  I am going to arbitrarily decide to stop chelating myself within a month or two and I needed some extra push to just keep going now, the final push.  Then, of course, I need to figure out how to fix the things that are still out of whack, smaller stuff but it needs addressing.  And that amazing mental state, where I feel like I can just do stuff, we can have fun together and get things done and I'm really mentally there for the kids, that's a great goal to have. 

[deditus]

Whew, that is a heavy bit. We have had no baseline with just restricting foods either, and while I can see the benefit to being gluten/dairy/soy/corn free, it is awful, awful freaking hard for me to restrict beyond that. Since dd has clear reactions to eggs, too, and right now, apples, it is too hard to say no, you can't have those kiwis because they are too high in food chemicals. It just feels so wrong to restrict healthy foods.But WTF do I do when she is up at night because her torso is covered in rashy patches?!? In my mind, I clearly question the merit of gluten, unfermented dairy, soy, and corn, and really from the primal view, legumes (which I try to limit to GAPS acceptable beans), too, and that seems hard enough. We have had our best luck with pbx and enzymes. I certainly can't function w/o way more support than that, but my focus for dd is that. To prevent the severe problems I have now by maximizing her nutrition now and hoping that means we can catch up on deficiencies before it becomes a lifelong chore. That and SELF CARE routines because I think as allergy mamas, we are the martyrs of martyrs, and thus need to work HARD on family balance and self care, and w/o these stress just depletes our nutrients more. So setting a good example so that our kids don't add to their burdens by an inability to deal with stress.

Shannon, have you checked out ENKI education? I think it would really resound with you.

I have had clear evidence that that pbx and enzymes solve most of my problems.The best I have felt in the last 15 years has been when I was taking everything (Thorne B Complex, Thorne Prenatal or Basic Nutrients, Biotin, B5, B12, mag, zinc, FCLO, 5-htp, additional 5-MTHF, pbx, and enzymes/betaine hcl). But really, I can't afford THAT for me all the time when dd clearly needs enzymes, px, Bs, and mag. I mean really how much is that just for me, more than $100/month?!? SO I have to come up with the best compromise or figure how to make some $$$. And just a mention again that I swear pbx are so important but finding the right one is so hard. I have only had a good response to CP1 (and HLC/Pharmax Intensive), and that was over a good 6 months. My gut was so wrecked that when I started it, I didn't notice a damn thing. After taking them for 6 months, I felt the best I have in years and years and now it will take me that long to get good again. It seems like when I run out of something and eventually start it up again, I have to take it for twice as long as I missed it to catch up, ie, I ran out of folate for 1 month so it will take me 2 months of taking it to catch up and start feeling good again. I am also really feeling drawn to PB's drainage remedies and cell salts, in a way I have never been drawn to single remedies. I think it is because I am such a control freak and these seem so much more accessible.

Ok, 'nough ramblin.

[Theloose]

I'm in this weird place right now. It's like my mood has been bumped up a level, like I was writing about before, and if I'm not feeling awesome, I know I'm either reacting or missed my glutathione (more likely both). BUT I seem to be having more GI reactions myself, and now I'm starting to wonder about xcon (which vie mostly just ignored in the past). Then there's today, where it feels like we took a flying leap backwards, ds stopped napping again and dd was having pee misses all day long And I have no idea why.

My avoid list, in order of severity is gluten, soy, squash (summer and winter), stone fruit, tomatillos, dairy, garbanzos, corn, eggplant. Some beans/lentils, heavy carbs, and stuff thats not in our everyday stuff that I vaguely suspect like sorghum and olives and black pepper. I'm playing with some potato and it seems to be passing, which is fun. I've also been doing more carbs, and avoiding the glucose meter. They're not making me feel weird anymore, so I'm going with that.

For dd... She still vehemently refuses any supps/pills/anything other than b12 when she has a stuffy nose. She's getting interested in food for healing, though, if its in terms she can understand - like shes suddenly interested in eating broccoli again since I told her it would help the bruises on her legs go away (the K). And getting her to eat anything predictably right now is a laugh, so CLA appetizers are a rarity. Maybe once I can get the rest of my life together, then I'll get on top of the food for her. Its just too much of an issue right now, it's a fight I'm not into fighting.

Ds, I'm starting to worry about methylation for him. His face seems narrower than I'd expect/hope, and he's got buggers all the time. And he has a mystery rash that showed up after being sick and reacting to thanksgiving dinner, but doesn't seem to be resolving much.

There was something else, but I'm blanking. I'll try and come back.

Just saw your post, Emily. Do you have a list of GAPS legumes handy? Maybe there's some rhyme or reason there with the legumes I react to? And I'm not sure I've heard of ENKI education. I'll have to look that one up.

[deditus]

Originally Posted by Theloose 


Just saw your post, Emily. Do you have a list of GAPS legumes handy? Maybe there's some rhyme or reason there with the legumes I react to? And I'm not sure I've heard of ENKI education. I'll have to look that one up.

I think limas and lentils are approved (less starchy).