DS is CRAZY when he comes back from his dad's!

[minkajane]

DS has always been a little nutty when he gets back from a weekend with his dad. He's worn out from irregular sleep patterns, hopped up on sugar and junk, and whiny. But lately it's gotten so. much. WORSE. I think it's because his dad's girlfriend moved in with him. She has a 4yo who's answer to absolutely everything is cry and whine now, ask questions later. She cries at absolutely everything, even when she gets her way. For example, she decides she wants her hat that DH is holding, she stares at him and starts bawling, without even considering to ask for it or even tell us what she wants. If you tell her to stop crying about it and ask for what she wants, she usually will, but the first response is always freaking out. I really think this is rubbing off on DS. He FLIPPED OUT tonight because he wanted to put on a shirt before closing the cabinet instead of after, but instead of saying so, he just tried to push past DH in the door and freaked out when DH told him again to shut the cabinet. It sounds weird, but his cries and screams are even sounding like hers. He's changed from a normal cry to this high-pitched whiny, squealy thing that absolutely sets my teeth on edge!

It doesn't help that the kids are ignored a lot of the time. They're stuck in front of the TV or video games for hours and hours. The only real attention they get is when they're freaking out. So I guess it makes sense that they don't bother asking for things when they get ignored till they cry.

I don't know how to deal with this. It's getting to the point where I'm dreading DS getting back because I know how crazy it's going to be. It's so bad now that by the time we get him back to behaving normally, it's time for him to go back with his dad again. I've talked to his dad about this stuff, but it makes no difference. He doesn't seem to care. He also "forgets" to give DS his medicine to help with his potty accidents and I have to clean up poopy underwear for a few days till the medicine gets back into his system. So how can I make things any better when XH absolutely will NOT do anything to make things easier on DS?

[greenemami]

That sounds really hard.  You might try posting this over in Blended Families for more feedback.  It is hard for kids to transition from one house to another-dsd takes at least one full day to adjlust to our house and rules/routines, sometimes more.  And she is only here for a max of four nights! It was much harder before we changed to our current schedule, because she would only be here for a max of 2 nights and, as you said, by the time she had adjusted, it was time for her to leave again. I'm sure her mom felt the same frustration. 

What is your visitation schedule? It really really helped us to get most of the days consecutively.  I think the fewer transitions, the better in general (at least that is what worked in our family!)

Do you have a routine set in place for when your son comes back to your house? Maybe building in some decompression time would help him make that switch.  The behavior you are desribing would drive me absolutely nuts too! Maybe just a verbal reminder when he gets to your house that he is expected to use his words would help so that it has time to sink in before the "heat of the moment." 

Hope some of that helps, and good luck!

[minkajane]

He's with his dad every other weekend, but lately it's been a bit more often. He was with him this past weekend, then he gets him starting Thursday for Thanksgiving too. I shudder to think of what he'll be like when he comes back after two visits so close together.

DH and I have talked about it and we're going to try to remind him that in this house, he gets POSITIVE attention as well as the negative kind. As soon as he gets home from XH's, we're going to sit down as a family and play a board game. He loves them and it will get us talking together. Hopefully that will help and it will be a nice relaxing family ritual that helps him transition back to our house.

[Ceinwen]

I deal with this every time my two girls (ages 8 & 3) come back from their dad's house (it's EOW as well).

They spend the entire weekend eating McDonald's, watch MTV and staying up all hours of the night. One of them usually comes home Sunday night vomitting, and the entire next week is spent trying to get them back on track.

I honestly have no good advice. I'm actually hoping to hear some...

[minkajane]

Today was HORRIBLE. All morning, I'd tell him to do whatever and he'd run off like he was doing it, then just never come back. I'd go check on him and find him laying in his bedroom floor or playing with the dog. When he actually did do something, he did it as slowly as possible. Like taking ten minutes to walk from the living room to the kitchen kind of slow. Then, this afternoon, it really hit the fan. We were supposed to go to my parents' for Thanksgiving, 3.5 hours away. We got about 40 minutes out and i stopped to get gas and decided to have him pee while we were there. That's when I learned that he'd had a poop accident BACK AT THE HOUSE and didn't tell me. So then I had to clean out his underwear and clean all the crusted poop off his butt. Then instead of getting his clothes back on, he kept just messing around with them. Then he shrieked like I was killing him when I put his clothes on him.

I finally said screw it. I went back home and dropped him off with his dad a day early. He refused to get out of the car and it took me and his dad's girlfriend 20 minutes to convince him to get out. Now my family thinks I suck for not showing when they were all coming over tonight to see DS. I just couldn't handle three more hours in the car with him, then dealing with him AND my mother all night, then driving 3.5 hours back the next day.

I'm sure this craziness is his way of acting out because of all the changes - me being pregnant, plus his dad's girlfriend and her daughter moving in with XH. I just don't know how do deal with this kid sometimes.