Anxiety, Depression issues - I don't know the way forward.

[BusyMumof5]

I have a seriously ill child, She's not so much ill now, but has a life-long serious cardiac condition.

For Months now, I have been suffering with night-terrors (something I can never often wake up from, it seems so real, I kick out, scream ~ Good job I don't co-sleep! ..) or sometimes I wake up screaming, then crying at what I've just seen, running rushing to check on her - even though she's still in the same room I have to put the light on, and physically check she's still breathing and IF she is un-responsive for how ever long (deep sleep) I totally freak out!!

She was born in 2008, and 3 days before Christmas we found out to what extent she was ill, It was so surreal. The lights went on and all I heard was 'I am very sorry but..' I keep re-playing that to myself, Christmases' have never been the same since. 
That Christmas was lived in fear - Is this her last Christmas? Is she going to get the life-saving surgery she needs? Is she going to die before next Christmas? 

Everything's been climaxing to Monday (29th), It's our eldest's 6th Birthday AND her Cardiology appointment.

I have sought outside help for what I experience and how I feel but nothings working - I've been on Citalopram and now Mirtazapine.

I can't take the full dose of that though because it absolutely dis-ables me, my legs feel a dead weight and I personally can't stay awake with one tablet in my system.

I have suffered with depression for some time, but now it's taken on an anxiety feel too.

I worry about everything, too much!

I keep having night-terrors that, She's having an 'Echocardigram' (ultrasound of the heart) and all of sudden the Cardiologist shouts ''I need some help in here quick'' we're made to wait outside, and she just dies, there and then - It's breaking my heart to write this, let alone talk about it and when I see this every night - It's unbearable.

I don't normally post things like this, I like to keep myself to myself but I just feel so damn low, if it's not one suffering, it's the other - our eldest has something on the ASD and is now awaiting his 3rd operation, I feel so over whelmed too.

Another thing that's depressing is looking to the future - When she wants children, it will absolutely endanger her life - let alone if she has twins, and now I've had twins, there is that risk - and what if she looks at her birth certificate and see's she was born at home and is so head-strong like me and wants a home birth too? 

How can I force my daughter to give birth in hospitals when I know the best place to usually be is HOME.

I hate hospitals - how can I tell my daughter she needs to be in one? Am I not a hypocrite?

I am absolutely dreading Monday's appointment, Part of me thinks I am going to have a nervous breakdown on Monday.

Please bare us in mind on Monday, We need luck on our side this Christmas xxx

[mich]

You are going through so much right now. Most of the hard stuff is completely out of your control. When this happens to me it helps to remind myself that I am not in control. I am on a path that I must walk through, all I can do is walk the path. One day at a time mama. It will do you no good to worry about the future. You are getting so far ahead of yourself, your mind is running like crazy and you need to try and stop it. It is only hurting you.

I love Byron Katie. You could try reading at her website, watch some videos, try her work. http://www.thework.com/index.php

Another thought is supplements. I have suffered with depression and moderate anxiety on and off my whole life. I always see a significant improvement when I take supplements regularly. For me I take a multivitamin, Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega, a b-complex, and vitamin D. A calcium and magnesium combination can help you sleep. 

Your worry is taking over, you need to put it back in check. You have be given a great challenge, something many of us will never know. But there are many who do know, and who have lived what you are living. You are not alone, don't let your mind convince you that you are.

Hugs mama.

[BusyMumof5]

Thanks Michelle xxx

[goodygumdrops]

Busymomof5...I didn't read your whole post but I just want you to know that your not alone.  I struggle with anxiety and depression and I know that at times, it feels like it's too much. I just had an anxiety attack this week and it's taken me almost a week to get through it.  I feel a mess and I get really down on myself.  But I have faith that each time I have an attack, that I am going to learn from this and be in a better place for it.  You have a ton going on...anyone would be having the same feelings. 

If you ever need to pm, I'm here. 

[BusyMumof5]

Thanks ...

The day has finally arrived - I have no idea what a mental breakdown feels like, but I swear I feel like I am going to have one!

I feel a mess, I want to cry, non stop, I don't want my night terrors coming real, I want to go, to get the all clear - but I don't want to be given terrible news, like Christmas 2008.

I have decided that I will be taking photographs of the cardiologist and the care nurse there, hopefully they will be there, the ones who were there when she was diagnosed.

I think it would be a great photo, for memories sake, I know that she is going to have life-long care from these professionals, but who's to say one or the other won't retire pretty soon?

I want pictures of those who were there on that terrible day in 2008, To have such bad news and someone who understood our fears ect. and the nurse, well she even gave me a kiss and cuddle, telling me the waiting room was full of children like her, post op - It was a really warm feeling.

Please, think of us today - I have no idea how the day is going to pan out 

[coyotemist]

I'm not sure if she is having surgery today or just an appointment, but thoughts for you either way.

What I DO know is that I know several teens with severe heart defects that are doing excellently.  In fact, I met a man the other day who made it all the way into his 40's with a severe heart defect, and no one ever figured it out.  It was only when he was at the doctor for some other reason, and they found his oxygen saturation in the 60's on one hand and 90's on the other hand that they finally figured it out.  He was having cardiac surgery to repair his defect.

The other thing you can be hopeful about is that technology is constantly changing.  "Blue babies" (children with severe heart defects) in the early to mid 20th century usually died before 5, but starting in the 70's life got better and better for those with this issue, technology is just flying ahead and the prognosis just gets better and better.

That doesn't mean that tragedies don't happen, they do, but just like any other situation, just have to live today in the here and now.  My husband has cancer, it's his third diagnosis.  He should never have survived the first one, most people die in the first 2 years, it's been 23.  Miracles do happen, here and now.

Pray if you are the praying sort, hope, trust the doctors, find a second opinion if you don't like the first. 

As to what you tell her, you tell her the truth.  Someday she will need/want to take care of herself, and you set up that expectation early.  You be very matter-of-fact to her about her illness "We can't go to Jimmy's birthday party, I heard he has a cold, and we need to you be well"  "Be careful in PE today, I know that everyone is running the mile, please walk it most of the way, and tell the teacher immediately if you have any funny feeling in your chest".  When she goes to school you'll want to have a 504 plan to modify her activities and take into account more sick days to allow her time to rest and heal to prevent further illness.

You'll know what to do then.

In the meantime, I know it doesn't seem like it, but we all have control of the words and pictures in our heads.  You need to try to change the words you are telling yourself.  Get a meditation CD, look at a funny picture every time you get obsessive thoughts about her illness (I did this when I worried about miscarrying my 2008 son, I pictured my mom's dumb dog with his tongue lolling out of his mouth every time I tried to go there with those scary thoughts, it worked after a few weeks of always doing the same thing), tell yourself out loud "She has good surgeons, she looks well today, I can do this for one more day" and those days just build on themselves.

I hope that whatever has happened/is happening goes well, and that she recovers quickly.  Some of those surgeries have to be done in steps, I know, and each step is another step in the right direction, but scary. 

You are doing well, Mama, keep on keeping on.