Full time working mom, Feeling down (vent)

[mzpuff]

Hi mamas, I am a first time mom.. I just recently returned to work full time when my DD was only 8 weeks old, she is now 12 weeks old and I am just overwhelmed with guilt and sadness because I feel like I never get to see her. I work 40 hours a week 2pm-1030pm. When I get home from work of course she is in bed, by the time I drive home and wind down etc. I don't get to bed until about 12 sometimes 1 or later she will wake up at 5 or 6, we take DH to work and then come home and take a nap because I am still so tired from the night before (my job is very physically demanding) Then we wake up from nap and I must start getting ready for work all over again and I feel as if I never get any quality time with my LO other than on my days off. DH and I work opposite shifts so he gets off around the time I go in and I really feel slightly jealous that he is spending so much time with her and I don't get to anymore, I just feel like I am missing out on so much and as if she doesn't even know I'm her mama . I feel like DH is her primary care giver and I want it to be me, I'm her mama! Naturally since he is spending more time with her he has learned more about how to satisfy her needs etc. and it just makes me feel so bad. I cried on the way to work the other day because I just hate it. but I have to do it, because of our financial situation I must work full-time. Anyways I guess I am just looking for some support from other moms who have been through or are going through the same thing and know how I feel.  Thank you

[dawningmama]

:hug  Oh, mama, I have been there.  I work opposite shift for several years (starting when my youngest child was 2 months old---she's almost 9 now!).  It is so, so hard.  I remember how tired I was, how much I missed my husband and how just chaotic and difficult our daily life was.

But, it *does* get better.  Maybe not easier, per se, but working that shift taught me to prioritize and to do the work I needed to do to make things better.  My number one piece of advice is not to short change your own health.  Sleep when you can and do remember that, especially if you are cosleeping, napping with your babe totally counts as "quality time."  :D

[marinak1977]

Do you co-sleep? I find that it's a great way to get some snuggles and reconnect after being away all day. I love it when my little guy snuggles up to me in his sleep.  Hugs to you mama, it's tough to leave the LO when they are so young.

[LittleGriff]

I'm so sorry! That sounds really hard. I don't have any good advice except to say that even if you aren't getting as much time as you want with your little one now you will still have a great relationship with her down the road. There is just something special about magic about mamas. My husband and I share the parenting equally and yet somewhere around 12 months both my kids went through hardcore mama phases when I was the only one they wanted ever (sort of tiring!). But when my daughter was about 4 or 5 months old she went through a phase where she cried when I came home and the nanny gave her back to me. She would wail and try to lunge out of my arms back to the nanny. I felt awful. But it passed. (phew!) Your daughter is going to recognize your love. And love you back fiercely. Nothing can replace a mom. And someday she will admire all that you went through for her. (I certainly do my parents.)I'm sorry you have to experience it like this though.

[nina_yyc]

  Sounds like you and your DH are making the best of a difficult situation.  I've never worked f/t opposite shifts but I do know that when there is a caring mom in the picture, babies always know who mama is.  DS is 12mo right now and spends 32h a week without me while I work but that only-for-mama smile I get when I come back to him leaves no doubt about our bond.

[Emmeline II]

I agree that napping is quality time with a baby! I had to return to work for a couple of months when my first was 12 weeks (military). When I got home I immediately hopped into bed with ds who pretty much nursed non-stop.

I would also try to do your unwinding in bed with a book, laptop, or tv with cc, because it can be hard to get up from another room and move there when you are tired. I've found SleepyTime tea helpful in quieting my head enough for sleep.

[CatsCradle]

I understand, OP.  My situation is different but similar in an odd sort of way.  I only had 6 weeks of maternity leave but my DH had 3 months of paternity leave after I went back to work.  But, instead of worrying about whether I was not bonding with DD, I took comfort in the fact that DH was bonding with her as her father and my partner in parenting.  True, I'm her mama, but she's got a loving and devoted papa too.  Like a previous PP said, it does get easier, mainly because I have seen the benefits of both DH and I sharing in the rearing of our DD.  DD is truly bonded at four years old, and to both parents.  I think it is really hard when they are infants.  There is a natural longing but over time DD has surprised us at how attached and safe she feels.  Huggs.

[rockdoctor]

I have also been feeling this way lately. DH is the SAHD. He knows what to feed her, what to read her, what her favorite toys are, etc. I feel like I am getting farther and farther away from knowing my daughter. I work from 5:30 am to 5:30 pm. I get a total of an hour and a half with her before she goes to bed. It's sad, but it can't be helped. Somebody has to pay the bills, and it is me. We don't co-sleep (never worked out for us) and she stopped bfing at age one, and never went back. Never even asked for it. She always seems happy to see me, but clearly doesn't need me in her life to be happy and well adjusted. Oh well, I guess I didn't have her to meet my needs anyway.

[emma00]

Rockdoctor - I'm sorry that you are feeling that way.  You are most definately an important part of your daughter's life and she does need you very much.   I am working FT right now - but when my oldest was a baby I was home full-time and my husband shared a lot of your stresses about his relationship with our son.  I can say that now, 10 years later, he is an integral part of our son's life. Even though he didn't get as many hours with him as a baby as he would like - he is as much an important part of his life as I am. 

[JudiAU]

Hugs. It is really really hard, isn't it.

I'd suggest co-sleeping if you can. I found it very helpful for getting in extra snuggles.

[CI Mama]

You have received some great encouragement. I have a little more to offer:

You are only 1 month back to work. I also had to return to work after 8 weeks, and it took many months to adjust to working full-time and parenting. Heck, I'm still adjusting, and my DD is over 2 now! Things will keep changing & you will keep learning how to make this work. You will figure out routines & games & things that will help you make the most of the short amount of time that you have together each work day. You will figure out how to make the most of days off to "refuel" your relationship. You may go through phases where connecting with your babe is effortless & other times when it is really challenging. That's normal & OK. Even SAHM's go through periods of feeling closer to their kid or more distant/annoyed/whatever.

Hang in there, Mama!

[Indigo73]

I went back to work at 2 weeks (no maternity leave or enough accrued vacation), but I was able to ease a bit into it, working from home part time then back to work full-time by 8 weeks.

I make more than twice as much as DP so me staying home has never been an option.  We've had him as the stay at home parent a couple times, but he's too set on contributing financially (and he keeps landing jobs with amazing health insurance). 

I will say I agree with all the advice above.  Give yourself time to adjust.  Chill out with the babe when you can.  Breathe her in.

My almost 9 year old is a well adjusted and bonded kiddo with both of his parents.  Daddy is just as like to kiss boo-boos (when he lets us) or hug or cuddle or get asked for dinner as Mami is.

**Hugs**