Happy for pregnant friends?

[MamaAsheri]

Hi everyone! I have one DS who is almost 3yo. It took us 2.5 years to conceive him and we have been TTC our second for the past 2 years. I am 36 (so the clock is ticking wildly). What I am struggling with though is my feelings about my friends who turn up pregnant again and again with their third, fourth, fifth... I think what grates on me is how they talk about it as if it's either "no big deal" or a burden. And it's not their problem, it's mine. For some people getting pregnant is easy or even an oops. But how do you stay happy for those people and not become bitter or jealous? How do you get around thoughts about fairness or "why not me"?

Mama Asheri

[*Dawn*]

I struggle with this as well. I'd love to hear everyones responses.

[LessTraveledBy]

You know, I have a very hard time with this. However, it always gets easier after the baby is born and I can see "who" it was. You know, when it is no longer just a nameless baby and a pregnancy.

I think if these friends are people you are not close to, you may just need to learn to remove yourself from the situation or to come up with something good you can say. (No idea what.) With close friends it has really helped me to open up a bit... to somehow let them know that this is really painful for me. They are very sensitive around me now, most of them. I love them for hurting together with mw, which they do, even in the middle of their joy.

Then there are the people who I put in the "idiot" or at least "totally thoughtless" category and just try to move on. Not easy... but I try.

I have spent years grieving the family that will never be, and it is hard for me that many people don't seem to see that I am in pain, or don't want to allow it. If I had lost a baby, they would let me be sad. If something bad happened to my child, I would get their support. But because I am unable to have another child, I should just calm down and count my blessings (as someone said, my home is so wonderfully quiet!!!!!), and that hurts!

[Silverbird]

Sorry to be another to say I know how you feel and I've no idea what to do abou it!
 

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

You know, I have a very hard time with this. However, it always gets easier after the baby is born and I can see "who" it was. You know, when it is no longer just a nameless baby and a pregnancy.

This is really how I feel! I'm mad jelous of pregant women with beautiful bumps.  But who can begudge a lovly baby.  I acculatly spend a lot of time with my friend her baby and her other mum friends.  I love it.  I get to play with their baby's and in some ways I look more like a feel: a childless women.

[mainemommy1]

I'm in the same boat-also 36-clock is ticking-conceived my first easily but having a hard time with #2. It seems like every time I turn around someone else is pregnant AGAIN and my sister is currently pregnant with her first-who was conceived on the first try. It is so so so hard.......and then some people don't respect our wish to keep it rather private (we really don't want to share all the details of TTC with our family member!) and stay mostly all natural witht he exception of a few less invasive tests.

I am trying really hard to focus on other things....maybe planning our first family vacation-possibly getting a second dog-preparing for the holidays etc. But, AF arrived today....and it's not easy.

[lifeguard]

I wish I had a good answer. In our ttc ds (6 years) I became incredibly bitter. I thought once I had a babe in arms that I would feel better but it's taking an awfully long time for that bitterness to drain away. Now that we're ttc #2 I am finding it hard but people are a lot less understanding than they were before. I don't know how many times I have had people tell me in the recent past that maybe I should just be happy with what I have or at the very most 2 children, since it is so hard. My dreams of a large family will likely never be realized but having it rubbed in sucks. 

[MamaAsheri]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

I don't know how many times I have had people tell me in the recent past that maybe I should just be happy with what I have or at the very most 2 children, since it is so hard. My dreams of a large family will likely never be realized but having it rubbed in sucks. 

Yes that does suck. I totally relate to that. I had dreams of a big family too. Sigh.

Has anyone had a grief process for the family that will never be?

Thanks everyone for the responses. At least I know I'm not alone.

[dakotablue]

This is/ was will be so hard for us/ me

Honestly I was able to be happy for others when they were on the same number as us. But when they got 'ahead' it was the hardest.

So like I was thrilled for my sister first pregnancy while we were trying for #1 and heartbroken when she got pregnant with #2, we fortunatly became pregnant with DS two months later.

My best friend became pregnant with #2 after we had DS and I was happy for her, but if it had taken a while and she had moved on to #3...

So I'm no help. No advice IF stinks and hurts. but I understand

[dot1]

I find myself having some bitterness when I see all the parents I went through my first pregnancy with more kids.  (The same kind of feelings when I'd hear parents discuss their sleeping babies, when mine was up every hour in the night and catnapped all day).  Then I remind myself that it doesn't actually help my situation to feel bitter, and then try to find a different thought that I perceive as helpful to the conception process.

Secondary infertility gets far less sympathy than primary infertility from my experience.  I can't stand comments that imply how fortunate I must feel to have been lucky to conceive our first.

People who haven't experienced IF just don't get it and I guess we can't expect them to get it.

I've read a few books on IF...and the best one I came across that addressed the "feelings" we go through was one called "A Few Good Eggs" - written by 2 women who experienced IF.  It was pretty funny in parts too.