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mourning the losses my daughter doesn't even realise she has

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 

when i was a kid my mother was a very loving woman with a very serious condition, her depression consumed her and in the end took her own life.

all she talked about when i was a kid was how much she looked forward to being a grandma. this was a big part of our culture. she was to live with my husband and i some day and help me with our children.

so she passed away when i was 15 and never got a chance...


when i became pregnant i was thrilled and depressed all at the same time. i of course mourn the fact my DD is lacking a grandma, but thats not all. shes really lacking an entire extended family...


DHs family could care less if she existed...his mother didnt even see her until she was 2 m/o and then missed her first birthday...has maybe seen her 5 times her whole life. never calls. never cares. his sister is a drug addict who lost custody of her own kid. his brother is mentally challenged and doesnt do well with kids.


my dad is a screw up...abused us our entire adolescents until mom died and then gave me to the state and put me in foster care. i didnt speak to him for nearly 6 years until i had DD. he seems to have changed enough and i know he loves her but i can never trust him. he also got re-married to a complete and utter psycho 6 months after mom died. my bro and his wife buy her lots and lots of thins but never want to spend any actual time with her. my sister lost it when my mom died and although i love her very much and she really loves DD shes incapable of putting anyone else before herself and i would never be able to leave DD with her for fear of alot of things...


so basically we are stranded. never get a break. DD never has anyone who just wants to come be with her and it breaks my heart.

post #2 of 4

I'm sorry mama. I know how hard it is to not have extended family dote on your DD the way you want them to. The best thing is she has two loving parents who love her. You can make a scrap book for her of your mom with photos and cute stories to share with your DD when she is older. She can still have positive and loving memories of grandma even though she's not able to meet her.


It's unfortunate when family members don't come around to show our children the love and affection we received when we were kids. It seems like it may a good thing they keep their distance.Do you and your DH have great friends who can act as aunt or uncle roles for your DD or play groups where you can interact with other mamas while your DD plays with other kids? You may be able to find a great support system of other moms who can play the role grandmas and grandpa's usually play.


Tell your daughter great stories about her grandma. Continue being the great mama you are and your daughter will come out on top even with bootlegged (that's what I call them) relatives.

post #3 of 4
Thread Starter 

we just moved and i dont have anyone here. i am lucky enough to have 2 best friends, one is in college right now so i dont see him much and the other is going through alot but we are extremely close and her DD is just a few months older than mine. (although hers is in daycare and seems to bully mine quite a bit,,,,) so she has an uncle an aunt and a cousin.

i really need to find a good playgroup...i dont have a car though and i cant find anything local enough to walk or bike to. DH has the car i could do something on his day off but that kind of stinks too b/c we really cherish our time together.

i am very grateful for my friends and DH and of course DD its just so hard to know all the love she would have received from my mom at least that she will never know. i think a lot of things would be different if my mom was here too. i think my bro and sis would be alot closer to us and in better mental condition...its like everything died with her.

even the holidays suck. my sis goes off to whichever BF of the moments house and my bro always goes to his wife's rich uncles house. we dont see each other at all.

i recently made an attempt to bring DD over my dads and his wife was a psycho yelling at my 13 m/o DD and grabbing her all over. she even grabbed her by the face and yelled at her and said "look at me when i talk to you! i said no!" i was like O-M-G and shes one of those well i've BTDT so im going to parent you're child over you...AHHHHHH. every time i tried to re-direct DD she would step in when i said hey its my kid she ignored me. When i said thats danger to DD she said "she doesnt know the word danger she knows the word no!" and i said well no shes my child and i taught her danger for things she could get hurt on so she knows the word danger but of course she ignored me.


now tonight we are going to some dinner to meet DHs fam from Florida and of course his mom and sis will be there and im already preparing myself to try and be calm....i can just hear it now "oh i never see my grand daughter" ya really?!?!? u never call never show up when invited....errrrr.

at DDs 1st B-day his sis came and she was be psycho harassing me about nursing DD and telling me im disgusting for doing that so long. then she had the nerve to call me fat (im not thin but a LOT smaller than her) so i jokingly said oh you're jealous and she began hysterically laughing and pointed to me and said ya like id be jealous of that to all of my friends and fam thinking they would laugh with her? idk shes nuts. they are all so horrible its depressing...

post #4 of 4

mama no matter what - dont give up hope. keep looking. keep following your instincts.


as a single mom with no family here i went back to school. and that's where i found friends - a lot of them single who are playing the roles of cousin, aunt. dd loves them and goes and hangs out just with them. she is learning to play with other siblings, with kids older and younger than her. 


at certain places we are still left out. and i didnt have the support when dd was a baby or toddler or pser. i didnt get any breaks till she was 3 when her dad started taking her. it was get up, rush out the door, drop at dc, work, rush back, pick up from dc, home dinner bed. 

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