When your child has a different learning style from you

[laohaire]

I started reading when I was 2, had very good attention span, was sincerely interested in nerdy and academic things, etc. I have a firsthand memory, for example, of being at a family member's house one Thanksgiving when I was probably almost 7 and amusing myself for a good hour by writing out the multiplication tables on a single sheet of graph paper someone gave me. I wanted to do that, and remember noticing some patterns and such.

My daughter has a good attention span too. But while I liked a challenge and enjoyed being asked a question that I had to think about the answer for, my daughter really does not like to stretch herself. If I go over her head, she's instantly bored, not intrigued. I recognize that not all children are built the same way, and I've found that letting her go at exactly the pace she wants (and she''s very clear about her boundaries and comfort levels, it's great) is the way to go. Any pushing seems to risk turning her off entirely.

I'm very capable of letting her go at her own pace, and when I say I don't push, you can take me at my word! My daughter sets the pace, period. But it's been somewhat strange for me to understand how she ticks. If her education was about me and not her, I'd love to do a classical education - but I just don't see that happening with her. That's ok. But it's very important to me that she be equipped with certain skills and knowledge banks, not because I'm an educational elitist, not because I want her to go to a certain college (in fact, I have zero college expectations whatsoever), and not because I want her to have a swanky career (it's not something I really value myself).

It's because I want her to be able to survive in a changing world, to have a historical background that allows her to understand current events and make good predictions. I want her to learn to be a producer and not a consumer. I want her to be able to make her own education, that any time in her life she has the ability to take on entirely new things and master them in her own way. I want her to feel confident in herself, to take on challenges rather than saying "I don't know how to do that."

I'm so laid-back with her it feels like unschooling, which I'm not allergic to, but I would like to ensure she has a good amount of self-discipline too. I realize self-discipline by definition comes from the self, and not from mother pushing her. But I'm not sure how to guide her into that.

She seems to  be "built" like her father, which gives me hope - but I don't really understand how he ticks either. Fortunately, he is intelligent and self-motivated. I am incredibly impressed, for example, that when he was about 8 or 9 he realized he was not reading well, was barely literate. Apparently he understood on some level that he had to push himself or it would always be difficult for him. It seems no-one told him this or helped him with it. That summer, he took it upon himself to read and read and read, and it was painful for him but it worked. He is a good reader and even today is self-motivated to read books on various topics, including histories and detailed how-tos. However, he does not react well to external pressures - like our daughter. If someone tries to make him do something, he will rebel, period. He has strong feelings about school and the things they made him do (the usual stuff, but just a real clash with his personality).

I've asked him if he had any insights on how DD ticks. Looking back at himself as a boy, what would have motivated him? He really wasn't sure. The motivation just came from within, I guess. Perhaps that's enough, that I will just sit back and trust that DD will read on her own time and that I can encourage her interests wherever they lay. Perhaps without external pressures, her internal motivation may come to the fore. It's hard to wait and trust, though, since the stakes are high - I can't go back and do this over again.

[midnightwriter]

My DD (8.5) has the same personality as yours, and I've been having some of the same worries, especilly as she is getting older. She is also different from me, as I too was more interested in academics. We are unschoolers, I don't think anything else would work for her. If she doesn't have an internal motivation, she is not likely to engage in an activity. As she matures she becomes more aware of what other people know or are expected to know. Simlarly to your DH she recently insisted I do more math with her, even if she "hated" it. She's actually very good with mathematical concepts, but generally doesn't like doing mathematical tasks. But in the last month she has been sitting down for some worksheets with me, and has a very good attitude about it.

At 5, DD had zero academic interests, and I didn't have any expectations until she was 7, and closer to 8--that was the age I remembered myself being interested in academics. She did learn to read between 6.5 anf 7.5, but she doesn't like to read anything challenging either, though she reads well for her age.

[laohaire]

OK, first I'm embarrassed about my title... but I can't edit it.

I should have written "When your child's learning style is different from yours"

Next, to the PP... thanks for the reply. They do sound similar. It's reassuring to know your daughter is able to push herself sometimes too. I am thinking my DD is not going to have a rigorous education but you know what? Most people probably don't need it. Even if DD never learns Latin I can still do things like show her how to use a dictionary and expose her to the concept of etymology (which I love!). If we read good literature, she should have a decent grasp of grammar just by exposure. And I am really pleased that she has been willing to let me read aloud to her from Charlotte's Web. (She is 5). It's a chapter book for slightly older kids, and the words and concepts used are a little foreign to her, but she likes me to read two chapters at a time. Oh, I have so many books for her to read! (LOL) We parents are funny, we get so excited about introducing our own childhoods (such as the books we read) to our chldren.

[inky leeuhhh]

your dd sounds like a typical 5 yo to me. you are doing right by not pushing her too hard at this age. just because she is not "pushing" herself with academics, does not mean she is not challenging herself on other fronts. my dd is not into math or reading (although i do encourage them, and she is learning in those areas at her own pace), but she does very well with drawing and is always tring new styles and working hard to try and draw new things. we have the same personality though, so it's a little easier for me to see where she is coming from. it sounds like you are doing a good job. enjoy your child, childhood does not last for long. she will be a smart, confident adult before you know it!  .

[darcytrue]

I am going through similar things with my 8 yr old. :( It's tough sometimes but at the same time I know she will learn in her "own time" just like her older brother did, who is now in 9th grade at the local community college. :)

[kittie313]

My oldest dd is the exact same way.  A friend of mine (she's a school psychologist and works with LD kids) suggested this book for me, and I've read it cover to cover and it really helped me a LOT.

http://www.amazon.com/Right-Brained-Children-Left-Brained-World-Unlocking/dp/0684847930/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291066366&sr=8-1

See, our issue here is that I'm a very left-brained person with a few right-brained tendencies, while my 7yo is a VERY right-brained child.  It really helped me with understanding how my 7yo dd learns and thinks, and now we are making amazing progress with her after just a few weeks of implementing what I got from this book.  It also helps that dh thinks a lot like her (which is really funny since he's her stepdad lol) so he does some academic work with her.  I kept getting frustrated with her because I'd try teaching her the way I learn, and she'd just stare at me blankly like I was speaking in Russian until I got angry and started yelling and threw what we were working on.  Yeah, real positive for her huh?  Well, I took a break from working with her and dh took over with her while I read this book, and now I'm taking over her academics again and using a lot of little tricks that I would have never come up with on my own to teach her.  She may never love making lists and keeping detailed inventories of stuff, matching socks not just by color and style but also by the amount of wear and discoloration/fading, or many of the other things I do, but she will have a solid foundation educationally and hopefully I will be able to teach her how to take lessons from others that are taught differently from her style and adapt things while she studies so that she can effectively master the material (I'm thinking college here, maybe ps if she ever ends up there in the future).

And then I thank my lucky stars that the next 2 kids in line are as straight-up left-brained as I am, making lists and doing worksheets happily without all the strange little tricks that dd1 needs to get material.

[laohaire]

Thank you for the book rec, I just requested that through my library based on your suggestion. It looks good. I do think DD is probably right-brained or something like that. And I'm left-brained to an annoying degree. I even liked to sort my M&Ms as a child.

[kittie313]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

Thank you for the book rec, I just requested that through my library based on your suggestion. It looks good. I do think DD is probably right-brained or something like that. And I'm left-brained to an annoying degree. I even liked to sort my M&Ms as a child.

Isn't it considered normal to sort M&M's by color and eat them by color?  Or throw a hissy fit when you spent an hour organizing the books on your shelf from your core by what category they are under and in order of appearance in your guide, only to have your 7yo dd come and pick books off the shelf one at a time to look at and then put back in the completely wrong place? lol

On a side note, my 7yo is teaching herself to play piano by watching my hands play a few measures, she asks me to repeat it 3 or 4 times while she watches intently and then she'll sit down and play with a few false starts before playing that bit perfectly.  She's learned close to 1/4 of Fur Elise so far this way, and is now applying that to learning what pitches go with what notes on the cooresponding sheet music by looking at it while she plays the music.  It'll be a few years most likely before she has the ability to think abstractly enough to assign letter names to the notes and learn the specifics of time signatures, accidentals, and such but she'll be reading sheet music long before she's abstractly thinking I bet.