How do you handle sibling rivalry?

[Punchy Kaby]

DS is 5 and DD is 1.5. Sometimes they play together, but often they are screaming at each other. DS has always been one who needed to be entertained and he often sees DD playing with something and will go up to DD and grab her toy out of her hands. I try not to interject, but sometimes I do and I usually remove the toy from the room if they cannot work things out.

I have also noticed lately that DS wants to snuggle more and DD, who still nurses gets jealous and will try to get DS out of my lap. I try rerouting her to DH or tell her in 5 minutes its her turn.

Both kids get plenty of one on one time daily or almost daily.

I am so sick of all the screaming in our house. I remember constantly fighting with my brothers and I don't want that for my family, but how do we get there?

[Aletheia]

if you haven't yet, you definitely need to read "siglings without rivalry" by faber and mazlish.  go get it now!!

[IntuitiveJamie]

I have heard of the book and it is on my list, but I would love if people would share here, what they do. I am very interested in this too and want to foster kindness between my children. I had a horrible time with my brother growing up. I don't want that repeated in my house.

[LynnS6]

IMO, Siblings Without Rivalry and "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" are great books to use once both kids are verbal and able to articulate themselves. So, for my 6 and 9 year old, the strategies in those books work well. For a 1.5 year old and a 5 year old, there's just too much of a power differential to have it work. The bottom line of both of these books is that much of sibling rivalry is a grab for attention -- from the parents. And it's true. When my kids' cups of attention are filled by me, they have much less sibling rivalry. I actually find that Playful Parenting makes this point really well, and those are ideas you can implement at any age -- 30 minutes of one-on-one time with each child as often as you can manage it really does help.

Have you tried teaching your 5 year old to trade toys rather than just snatching? The deal with trading is that your dd has to 'agree' to the trade. At 1 1/2, it's not so hard to get her to focus her attention on something new. At 3 1/2, she's not going to be pawned off so lightly, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it!

Do you notice a trend in when your older child acts out? Is he tired? Hungry? Bored? Jealous because she got some attention and he 'didn't'? (It's all about the moment -- never mind that he got attention two minutes ago!) If you can predict it (somewhat), the you can try preventative strategies such as engaging him before he attacks her, making sure he's well fed and rested.

What do you do when he snatches? In our house, you had to give the toy back. If you were anti-social and did it several times, you got sent to your room to cool your heels a bit. (Actually they still get sent to their rooms to cool their heels, but the issues are purely verbal spats now.) There's not a set time, but simply a space to separate you from your victim and let mom/dad cool down. For us, this worked. (And no, they didn't go happily, but they went, and we stood in the hallway to send them back until they had visibly calmed down.) What would work in your situation?

[Punchy Kaby]

Thanks for the replies. I will see if my library has the books.

I think our most challenging time of the day is late afternoon. I'm usually tired, dS is probably tired from the school day and more and more he wants to snuggle. He wants physical contact and direct interaction and it's hard to juggle getting home and making dinner and playing with the kids. We used to go out and play but with the darkness and cold it is much harder to do that.

I'm trying to think up good indoor activities for the 3 of us to play. Hide and seek, games with soft indoor balls, building forts.

[Aletheia]

I try to always have dinner at least prepped by 3 o'clock (when my 2 year old wakes up) because the hours of 4 and 5 are almost always mommy-intensive hours.

And I'm also trying to keep a list of ideas!  Do you have the Busy Preschoolers Book?  There are some fun activities in there (yesterday my kids "played dentist" with me for almost 1 hour!).  I like this idea, too, but haven't used it: a "crazy can" or container full of bits of paper on which you have written different ideas.  When faced with the question of "what to do now?" you can just draw a slip of paper.

We had a preschool homeschool cooperative going with friends for a while in which we would keep the following morning schedule:

9- arrive and free play

9:30 - circle time- finger play, songs with motions, puppets, guessing games

10- snack time

10:30 project time (fine motor something or other)

11:00 outside time (gross motor, sometimes flopped with fine motor if the energy was really high)

11:30 story time

12:00 bye bye time

I still use this with my kids, even if I've not prepared anything.  Thinking in 1/2 hour blocks really takes the weight of the entire morning off my back.