Growing apart from "close" friend

[Sienna-forever]

Hiya,

Bit of a rant really, but also could use some advice and outside perspective on this situation I have with a long term close friend.

We met at school when we were both about 15 and became very close.

We supported each other through growing up, first boyfriends, always on the phone to each other or round each others houses etc etc.

Then when I was 21 I got married, and shortly after that became pregnant with my DS. By this stage, my friend was also in a long term relationship.

When I told her of the pregnancy, she didn't speak to me for weeks, and finally admitted she felt pushed out, and offended that I hadn't old her until 12 weeks ( I had a bleed at 7 weeks and we decided not to tell ANYONE until 12)

Anyway, I then went on the have my son early at 29 weeks by emergency c-section. He stayed in Nicu for 9 weeks. A few weeks into his stay at Nicu and whilst my son was still very vulnerable, I got a call from her saying she had just found out she was pregnant. I think her timing of telling me could have been better to say the least.

She then had her daughter, and things were ok with us but by this stage I was pregnant with my DD. Again my DD was early, this time at 32 weeks, and sadly after five and a half months in nicu she passed away.

My friend was very distant at this time. I read somewhere that at times of heartbreak "Friends become strangers and strangers become friends" this seemed quite true to me.

Following the death of my DD, we were getting on 'ok' but last year, my friend split up with her long term partner. At this time she changed completely. She started spending a lot of time with me, talking on the phone and a lot more like how things were when we first met.

Then she met her current partner, about 7 months ago. They have had a whirlwind relationship and are marrying in jan.

Obviously she is spending most of her time with him which I completely understand, so this isn't about me feeling pushed out.

However, since my dd's anniversary in september, I have been feeling really down/depressed. I had told my friend how I'd been feeling, and thinking about my daughter and how I wish things could have been and so we arranged to meet for a coffee and a chat.

Literally the FIRST thing my friend says when we sit down for our coffee is ' me and OH are trying for a baby'

I managed to be polite and I AM happy for them, but again, the timing is just so out! I'd arranged for the chat because i'm heartbroken at MY loss?! Am I being over sensitive here?

Anyway, I then got a text last week saying she was pregnant, and a few days later a text saying she's miscarried. I did call her and chat for half an hour, trying to support her as much as I could.

But then today, she's been round mind with her DD and we just don't 'click' anymore. I just can't stand being walked all over and hurt all the time.

 I'm meant to be her maid of honour in Jan, but it just doesn't feel right at the moment.

Is it me? Her? Or am I imagining it all?

Please help.

I

[SubliminalDarkness]

It sounds like a bit of both. You both have a lot going on, and it seems like maybe neither one of you has a lot of reserves for the other. I'm sorry that, when you initially went through your difficulties, your friend didn't step up more. A lot of people just don't know what to do in those situations. I know I don't. I could offer meals and try to lend and ear, but that's about all I would know to do. And even when listening, I wouldn't know what to SAY that would be appropriate for the situation. And that might make me step back for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. 

I'm sorry you feel like you and your friend don't have the same connection you used to. That definitely happens. People grow up. Their lives go different ways. 

[milletpuff]

In my experience, people just don't know how to deal with something like losing a child. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that your friend didn't get it. I am going through something very similar with my oldest and supposedly "best" friend right now. There's probably no way to get your friend to be the friend you need right now. If you had a lot of time and emotional energy right now you might be able to perhaps get her to stop the active behaviors that are hurtful (talking about baby-making when you are asking for support about the anniversary of a loss), but that's probably it. And I'm guessing that you don't really have a lot of emotional energy and I don't blame you!

I just had my third pregnancy loss that ended up with an emergency surgery for an ectopic and my friend has called ONCE to see how I am. After I told her how incredibly much I need her right now. I cannot even imagine the weight that you are carrying with the anniversary of the loss of your beautiful daughter, and I am so sorry that your friend is unable to help you bear that weight.

As for being in her wedding, there are two ways I could look at that. Thought process #1: if you want to invest in the friendship so that it will continue in the long term, go and stand up for her, but don't take on more than you need to. She may come to understand how insensitive she was, and you may begin to detach from the fragility that you are feeling now. and you may both transition through to meet each other as equal friends again. Though process #2 comes mostly from you saying that you are tired of being hurt by her and basically is that this friendship may have run its course and its OK for it to end.

Have you tried talking to her to tell her how you are feeling? At least about feeling hurt? Or even what you have shared in this post?

:hugs and again I am so sorry for your sweet daughter. I am sure that you miss her so very much.

[Ravenlunatic]

It actually doesn't sound like your friend is guilty of anything except not being as empathetic as you would like her to be.  With the scenario you described wehre you were feeling down and wanted to meet for coffee... it could be that your friend thought the mere act of getting together was the cheer up and the fabulous news she had as even more reason to not be down and to celebrate life.... not that you needed a shoulder to cry on.  After all she was absent during the original heartbreak, what made you think she would be there for you this time? 

If her actions keep leaving you feeling neglected and doormatty, then yes, it is time to move on past the friendship so you can fill that friendship space with an actual friend that you want.  It sounds as if your friend may be a little self centered and possibly selfish (it is hard and unfair to say with only one post written) but that doesn't mean she is a bad person or that you have to hurt each other in the process of letting go.

If you do decide to end the friendship you could use being her made of honor as a send off (silently).  YOu know help her reach the next level of her life and laugh and cry and say good bye... when she comes calling again (it seems when her life is in a down place) you can just be more distant or unavailable to her.  And spend your time healing from your loss and gaining friends that you can relate to.

[Sienna-forever]

Subliminal Darkness "I'm sorry you feel like you and your friend don't have the same connection you used to. That definitely happens. People grow up. Their lives go different ways. "

I definitely think this is happening, at first glance it looks like we're going down the same path, marriage, children etc. but looking deeper, the people that we're becoming, the ways we're choosing to live our lives is definitely different. Not bad, but different. And I feel like the friend she was is no longer the friend she is now. But I am having hard time knowing when its just my grief and perhaps over-sensitivity and when its something genuinely hurtful that she's said or done.

MilletPuff "As for being in her wedding, there are two ways I could look at that. Thought process #1: if you want to invest in the friendship so that it will continue in the long term, go and stand up for her, but don't take on more than you need to. She may come to understand how insensitive she was, and you may begin to detach from the fragility that you are feeling now. and you may both transition through to meet each other as equal friends again "

This is what I'd prefer to do, I genuinely DO care about our friendship, we've been friends for over 10 years now and during that time there HAVE been some really good times. Its just that like you say I am feeling fragile and really don't have the emotional energy to try and explain the things that I have found insensitive.

I am so sorry for your losses too, and thank you for your post, I really do miss her every day.

Ravenlunatic "With the scenario you described wehre you were feeling down and wanted to meet for coffee... it could be that your friend thought the mere act of getting together was the cheer up and the fabulous news she had as even more reason to not be down and to celebrate life.... not that you needed a shoulder to cry on.  After all she was absent during the original heartbreak, what made you think she would be there for you this time "

Good point, I suppose its just that I had opened up to her about how down I had been feeling, and just thought she'd meet up and LISTEN to me instead of turning it around so that it was about her. She didn't even ask how I was before sitting down and announcing her news.

"It sounds as if your friend may be a little self centered and possibly selfish (it is hard and unfair to say with only one post written) but that doesn't mean she is a bad person or that you have to hurt each other in the process of letting go. "

I wouldn't want to hurt her, but I am getting to the point now where I really NEED to start protecting myself, and put a stop to other people hurting me, to be honest for most of our friendship, I HAVE been a doormat! Its just the way I was, but having been through these painful experiences, I have had to change, I have had to stop trying to please others all the time to the detriment of my own feelings. She can be self centred, and selfish, and to be honest, this is how she has been for most of the friendship. Its just that whereas in the past I didn't mind, since going through my difficulties, NOW I do!

 The problem is, I have changed a lot, since all this happened. And my friend actually said ' You're not you anymore' which I found quite upsetting. I know I've changed, I AM still me, but I've had to harden up, I've had to start putting my own feelings first. It seems like its ME thats changed and not her. But thats where i'm finding the connection is gone. I think I thought that she would change too, and she hasn't.