slacker man

[suziek]

My 10 year old is adopting this dreadful slacker attitude about many things. He wants to half-step on his chores, school work, music--even his family social interactions are full of rolled eyes, bored sighs and general poor attitude.

Advice? I'd like to see a little self-motivation and work ethic here, but if that is not forthcoming parental pressure will have to do. What has worke for you?h

DH is about to head out for a month, so I'm flying solo.

DS is generally a great kid.

[HollyBearsMom]

Sounds age appropriate, unfortunately.   My son is 9.5

So many books I have read (Real Boys, Raising Cain, etc) say that this time is critical for a boy's emotional health/growth and that a mothers love/support is what they need more than anything. While they may push away from physical affection and from family situations/outings/etc they still need to know that the love they have is unconditional.  

I keep trying to channel patience and understanding during the times when I get the eye rolls, this is "booooring" comments, too cool for school attitudes. Sometimes really hard to do!! On the other hand I hold firm to my expectations of polite behavior, chores, family obligations and the like. With so much changing in his life (onset of puberty, hormonal shifts, more pressure at school) I believe that consistency is key.The more he tests the boundaries the more I see that he is relieved when the "rules" don't change. 

On that note though I have given him more room to roam, given him more chances for autonomy and more buy into the decisions the impact his world.Our motto has been with responsibility comes trust and with trust comes responsibility. When boundaries are pushed or he wants to do something new (walk around the mall alone with a friend for example) we discuss it and try it his way with in reason. This builds his confidence and our trust. We always agree to revisit if something doesn't work.

We did the same with homework.  I wanted it done right away, before anything else.  He wanted screen time (computer, Wii, etc) first.  We agreed to try it his way for a week with the understanding that if his homework didn't get done or he argued/complained when it was time to get it done we we go back to my way. We ended up having to tweak it slightly after a week (setting a time limit on the screen time so there was still time for homework and before dinner chores) but other than that it has been working great!

So yeah, sounds like typical 10 yo behavior!  I keep telling myself "this too shall pass!" 

[Marsupialmom]

Welcome to 10.  Very age appropriate.  

Keep your cool.  Set firm rules and reasonable expectations.  Expect a lot of whine from him and find a good one for yourself.  

This too will pass. 

[suziek]

Wise, and true I am sure.

I'm going to dig out a couple of boy books.

I like this: "I keep trying to channel patience and understanding during the times when I get the eye rolls, this is "booooring" comments, too cool for school attitudes. Sometimes really hard to do!! On the other hand I hold firm to my expectations of polite behavior, chores, family obligations and the like. With so much changing in his life (onset of puberty, hormonal shifts, more pressure at school) I believe that consistency is key.The more he tests the boundaries the more I see that he is relieved when the "rules" don't change."

My question is "How?" How do you hold firm to expectations of polite behavior etc. without huge power struggles and tears and drama?

One thing that does worry me is that I have younger children watching. I dread an epidemic.

[HollyBearsMom]

Now you are going to ask how??  <<gulp>>  LOL!!!

Honestly- half the time it is removing myself from the situation.  Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. I also try to avoid power struggles at all costs.  A good book that helps me with that is "How to talk so kids will listen and How to listen so kids will talk".

For example our son is expected to set the table before dinner each night. Up until a few months ago it was no big deal.  Now its the eye rolls, just a few more minutes mom, yeah I'll do later, etc etc AARRGGHH! Drives me crazy. So one night I just shut up about it.  Sure enough I called us to dinner and there were no plates, silverware etc. He started laughing, thinking I was going to serve it on the table (I think in some book one mom actually did! I am not that crazy, what a mess!) Instead we agreed to rotate the jobs so now sometime he sets the table and DH clears and sometime he clears and I set, depending on who cooks. But it took weeks of me nagging and getting into power struggles before I finally just shut up! Do I still get the eye rolls? yes but now I just keep my mouth shut but the expectation doesn't change. 

Regarding polite behavior, rudeness etc I don't engage. I ignore whenever possible. Sometime being playful helps ( Oh look its Mr Grumpy. can you go back upstairs and send Mr Happy down instead?) However this can backfire so I have to really judge the mood. Sometimes firmness work (Hey, I can see you are really mad/angry/grumpy right now. Dad and I are having breakfast. You can join us when you are ready to be a part of the family).  

When all else fails I sit him down and repeat "I am your mother and I expect you to speak to me respectfully.  You can be mad, you can be angry, you can be frustrated.  That is OK. But you cannot be rude. That holds true to all members of this family.  If you can not be respectful you need to leave until you can be".  Sometimes this results in slammed doors, tears and drama but I hold firm that I will not accept that behavior. 

The hardest thing for me is not being rude/angry/sarcastic back.  It is a knee jerk reaction. Ugh.  I hate when I do it and I can see the damage it does when I do.  So I really try to remember to apologize when I get to his level.  

And I try to take advantage of any window of opportunity to be physically affectionate.  sit close and watch aTV show that he likes together, tuck him it at night, ruffle his hair, etc. I think this helps more anything else.

[Marsupialmom]

Hollybear gave a lot of sage advice.

I would recommend if you do send him to the room to adjust the attitude do it without electronic devices.   I have found if they have electronic devices they go into their own world and do not adjust attitude. 

[HollyBearsMom]

Yes about no electronics.  We don't have any TVs, computers, video games etc in the bedrooms.  The computer and TV are in the family room and is where they will stay for  long time.His I-touch is for long car rides only.  We all have addictive personalities in this house, LOL, and he could spend hours and hours playing video games.  He does the same with books and Lego's but if given a choice he will choose electronic games over anything else. He would never choose to rejoin the family if he knew he could stay and play Wii for hours on end!

His room has tons of books, some Lego's and other toys which I have no problem with him using to calm himself. The goal is not to punish him but instead give him a chance to pull himself together.

[mattemma04]

I send my 8yo ds to his room when he gets an attitude.I explain to him that his mood rubs off on the rest of us,and I can't have him bringing us down. Home is a haven. He will go play or read,and come out when he can act more polite.I don't set a time.Just ask that he be nice when he feels ready to leave his room.