DS being extra clingy in the mornings...

[t2009]

Happy Thanksgiving mamas!

Thank you for your prior advice about sick time for my nanny. We are over it & moving on, but maybe because of the stress of it or I don't know what, I am having second thoughts about her.

Mainly I'm enjoying a long weekend with DS & am already dreading Monday morning when he will likely whine & run to pull on my pant leg when his nanny arrives. She started just under 1 month ago now & I really don't have anything to go on (i.e. no evidence or suspicion of her doing anything bad to DS or his playmate. But for the last two weeks, every time the doorbell rings in the morning he yells out his playmate's name, thinking it's her, then when he sees the nanny he comes running to me whining & clingy. Eventually she is usually able to distract him & he's never crying when I leave (usually after his playmate's arrived & they're running around).

Another factor might be that I've been out of the house a bit more than usual the past few weeks because I have so much work to catch up on at school.

Every time I come home (even a few times unexpectedly) she's down on the floor with the kids or cleaning something. She's also affectionate with him & gives him a hug or kiss when she leaves (and he reciprocates without pause). Also, my mom's been in & out of the house while the nanny was home & observed nothing at all odd (I talked to my mom about my concern) & said she's always handled both kids with kindness & patience. I think if my DS seemed excited to see her, I'd feel fine, but it's just got me worried even if I can't put my finger on it.

I don't want to talk myself into a bad situation for my son, but everything about her seems like it should be working. References loved her, she's a very calming woman, confident & seems to like the kids. We're going to sit down & talk about how things are going & I plan to make sure that she's taking care of his needs adequately during the day (enough diaper changes, enough reading & cuddling, enough food & drink, enough play, etc.).

So, for those of you with a nanny, nanny share, or babysitter, how long has it taken your LOs to adjust to someone new? Is it possible he's perfectly OK but just going through a phase of being extra clingy? Am I just feeling guilty & reading too much into things? I would "listen to my gut" but I don't really know what my gut's saying...

Thanks!

Edit to note that this is only DS's second care provider who wasn't related, and his last nanny was with him for over a year (and since he was only 5 mos old)... so we (thankfully) haven't had many transitions with caregivers.

Edited by t2009 - 11/26/10 at 11:28am

[One_Girl]

I don't think having a mildly difficult time adjusting to knowing your mom will go soon is the nannies fault.  My mom watched my dd until she was 21 months when I needed a sitter and after that she started daycare.  My dd cried for about half a minute after I dropped her off with my mom and almost daily for her first few months in daycare, many kids did the same thing before I left then they were fine and playing right after mom went down the hall.  I always made sure that I left her with teachers I felt comfortable with, I asked others about the teachers interactions with my dd when I wasn't sure (it was a university one and it was easy to connect with other parents), and I made sure they knew they could call me if she wasn't happy (they only needed to once).  The day did come when that changed and I cried for a long time when she started transitioned by just walking off and playing and I had to go get a half hug and a goodbye that expressed less interest in me than in the toys and teachers.  

It sounds like your nanny is great with the kids and your son has an easy time with you leaving once he adjusts to the reality that her arrival signifies.  Being sick once and your child loving spending time with you and whining when he knows that time is going to end for a while doesn't seem like a deal breaker or like something that signifies a lack of care, especially since she can get him interested in other things before you leave rather than afterwards and so many people say she is doing things well.  If your son was bawling when she walks in and still at it when you leave and when you call a few minutes later to check on him then I would say that you may want to start worrying if it doesn't get better soon, especially if she is there daily.   

[quietmim]

DD (18M) is extra clingy (and sometimes even desperately clingy) with me near the time I have to leave even though she is being left with her daddy, who I know she adores. This sounds normal.

It sounds like everything indicates that things are going well.  I am not one to discount gut feelings, but the fact that he is already engaged and comfortable before you even leave would be reassuring to me.

[LittleGriff]

My 3.5yr old son has been with current nanny for ~15 mos and he still has a really hard time some mornings. I leave well before the kids get up and when I come home in the afternoon my son is all smiles, hugging the nanny and telling her he loves her. My husband has to see the screaming and crying and telling the nanny to go away - so he's always wondering if we've got the right lady while I always think 'what a great situation!'. My son did the same thing for 2 years with my mom, the woman who helped birth him and who he loves like a mother. My daughter (1.5 yrs) almost never does any of that. So for us, the "adjustment" is still ongoing. My son has never gotten used to his parents leaving him in the a.m. but he's fine as soon as we leave and obviously very happy and healthy otherwise. 

So that tough morning time might never go away. My husband and I just try to minimize/avoid it, having the nanny come super early often before the kids are up. And it's probably not the best way to judge the caretaker relationship. We almost terminated the nanny several months in bc we were so worried about this behavior. I'm glad we didn't because, aside from some rocky a.m.s, it seems to be going really well.

[t2009]

Thank you for the support, ladies! I'm glad to hear that this can be very normal behavior.

This morning was actually a little better. To prepare him, I asked DS who was coming over today & he (pretty) happily said his nanny's name & then his playmates. He was clingy when she got here but not upset at all. Maybe he needed a nice long weekend with his parents to "recharge" his confidence.

Originally Posted by quietmim 

It sounds like everything indicates that things are going well.  I am not one to discount gut feelings, but the fact that he is already engaged and comfortable before you even leave would be reassuring to me.

Also this ^^ reminded me of a couple of days last week when by the time I left DS was waving at me VERY happily through the window. ... Sometimes those rough moments make you forget the good ones!

Thanks again!

[texmati]

I had a similar thread going a while back-- I vowed never to not trust my gut again ever.

I'd sit down and really examine why you might be having bad feelings about it. I'd also see if I could use some holiday vacation to 'observe' from home-- literally lounge around out of sight. (Perhaps stay in a bedroom for most of the day). My husband works from home, and we still terribly misjudged our nanny hire. It's not worth it.

I'd do whatever it takes to make you feel better, and if it's still not working out, start interviewing again.