Possible night terrors because of a nasty confrontation?

[isign]

To make a very long story short, my DD, almost 25 months, along with my 3 year old DS witnessed a horrible confrontation between their grandparents, us and my SIL and BIL. We had no idea this was coming and while we did our best to shield them, it spiraled out of control faster than we imagined. BIL got in my face, I went in the house to get DH. SIL ran after me, charged at me, swinging, while I was standing with my children. She was screaming and cussing until DH and MIL were able to get her and her husband in the car. They continued to scream as they drove off. Horrible.

While DS was screaming and crying, DD was calm. Until bedtime. Every night since Sunday, she has woken up screaming and crying. I tried to talk to her some, asking if she was sad, or scared. She said 'yup' to both. I asked her who scared her, and while it sounded like she said SILs name, I think I'm projecting my thoughts and feelings and am most likely wrong. She usually STTN in her room across from ours, but has woken up around 1 crying and climbing into bed with us. She normally doesn't like to be held close, but she was clawing at us wanting someone's arm around her, and she had her hand on the other parent. Last night she woke up around midnight and screamed and cried roughly every 30 minutes until she fell asleep around 430 or so. She had to be held tight, and would not calm down without us touching her. She would doze off only if she was laying on one of us. To make it worse, we'd been out pretty late, so I knew she was exhausted.

Could this be due to what she witnessed? How do I help her through this?

[Rani]

Absolutely she could be having ptsd from it. You may want to have her talk to someone about it with you present of course. I would also inform SIL that any therapy bills that result from this or doctor bills will be forwarded to her for payment. 

Im really hoping you filed a police report as she attacked you as well. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that its PTSD so quickly.  I would talk to her about why she's scared, and see if she can tell you (maybe not in the middle of the night, but in the morning, or sometime during the day while she's calm. 

People get scared, and sometimes have nightmares - its not always PTSD.

[isign]

We talked about it again after I posted and she's saying the same thing, as much as I can understand :)

She was around some less than stellar parenting from my brother and his wife (got to love the holidays!!) so I'm not so sure if that had any bearing on it. While I'm far from being a perfect parent, we seem to treat our kids  differently and with more respect than my brother. We see the ped on Tues - check up, not for this -  so I'll be talking to her then about it.

Rani - While it would be nice to have someone pay for the bills, communication has ceased months before with this SIL and any contact with her is pointless. No, I did not file a police report, we live an hour away, and rarely have contact with them. DH does not want me to make the situation any worse. It's a long story that's been building to this for years. We've done well keeping them away from it all, but MIL invited SIL over, knowing we'd be there. Her calling her and asking her not to come is what set it off.

[One_Girl]

It sounds like night terrors.  I think you should focus on extra one-on-one time during the day for a few days and call your pediatrician for advice about dealing with night terrors.  There are some things you can do to lessen them.  I don't think that therapy is warranted and it doesn't sound like ptsd.  There is a lot more that goes on with ptsd than just waking at night, and seeing one fight is probably not going to cause her long term damage even if she did also witness bad parenting.  I think that letting go of the discussions about this and distracting her with fun special time will go a long ways towards helping her with whatever is causing the night terrors whether it is this causing them or seeing you so stressed out about the situation and hearing about it a lot that is causing them. 

[isign]

Last night was a doozy again, but I think we've narrowed it down. I think Sun, Mon and Tues nights were because of what happened on Sun. Wed night was better, Thurs and Fri nights were rough.  The weather has changed drastically - over 80 on Wed and just a tad cooler on Thurs. It got down to freezing last night and she had some eye gunk and was rubbing her eyes often. We gave her a tad bit of benadryl around 2, nursed, and off to sleep she went. We're thinking allergies.

seeing one fight is probably not going to cause her long term damage even if she did also witness bad parenting.  I think that letting go of the discussions about this and distracting her with fun special time will go a long ways towards helping her with whatever is causing the night terrors whether it is this causing them or seeing you so stressed out about the situation and hearing about it a lot that is causing them.

To clarify, she does not see us stressed about this situation, or hear about it. We do not talk about it in front of the kids. And it wasn't just one small fight, it was a pretty nasty blowout that happened just feet in front of her, leaving her daddy in tears, something she has never seen. And thanks to SIL, she now has new words in her vocabulary. Lovely.

[One_Girl]

Seeing a parent cry can be a very traumatic thing no matter what the circumstances around it.  My dd was very upset after seeing me cry once when she was three and she still remembers it to this day (she has only seen me cry twice in her life and that was the first time).  Oddly enough she doesn't remember the huge fight that caused my ex and I to break up a month before that despite it being very scary and her being in my arms sobbing the entire time while I was screaming for help (that the neighbors never called for).  I never cried in front of her then though so she may not have seen it as the horrible thing it was despite having a close up view. 

It is good that you don't let her hear you talk about what happened, I know that we slipped up a lot when my dd was little until we learned just how big her ears were and she did have to process some stuff that she probably shouldn't have heard because we didn't realize she could hear us speaking from the back of the house.  Now if we want to talk about something she shouldn't hear we do it when she is not home or when we are in a corner of the yard and she is inside.  Talking about how everyone cries and reading books about crying being okay may help the situation.  I read books to my dd after the day she say me cry, role played with her dolls making one cry and having the other one be empathetic, and talked to her about how crying is a normal thing that everyone does.  She didn't get upset when she saw me cry the other time and she doesn't remember that time. 

[AbbieB]

OP, I'm so sorry you had a terrible holiday.

I think it sounds like you are doing the right things with your child. Hug, reassuring her, and filling the need she has for security is the best way to help her through the night wakings, no matter what the cause. I don't think a week of restlessness and a high need for night time parenting after after a family get together that went bad in combination with a huge change in the weather plus possible health issues is in any way outside the range of normal.  I would not be on the phone with the pediatrician...yet. If things have not gotten better after 2 weeks, maybe.

I disagree with the others that seem to be suggesting that you not talk about it. My DD is very sensitive and has been through many periods of needing to feel more secure. Sometimes for big things, sometimes for little things. I find it helps to let HER talk about it and to be open to discussing what ever it is that is bothering her, on her level of understanding. I do not believe that it is a good idea for parents to hide their emotions and not cry in front of kids. Sometimes adults need to cry and it's healthy for kids to see us deal with our feelings. Of course, I do not think you need to have you kids see everything, but there is nothing unhealthy about a child seeing a parent cry or be upset in reaction to something as traumatic as what the OP's family experienced.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by isign 

To clarify, she does not see us stressed about this situation, or hear about it. We do not talk about it in front of the kids. And it wasn't just one small fight, it was a pretty nasty blowout that happened just feet in front of her, leaving her daddy in tears, something she has never seen. And thanks to SIL, she now has new words in her vocabulary. Lovely.

Just an idea, and things may be back to normal with your dd by now, so maybe it won't matter.  Has your DH talked t o your dd about the incident?  You said she saw him cry for the first time b/c he got so upset (or scared, or angry, whichever feeling he had that made him cry), has he talked to her about it to tell her why he was crying?  He can simplify it so that its age appropriate, and reassure her that he's ok now maybe.  IDK if that would help, but it might.

I witnessed some pretty nasty blowouts as a kid, and while I remember them, they didn't cause me any long term harm.  I would just continue what you are doing, extra cuddles (day or night), and lots of reassurances that you and your dh will keep her safe.

[Maluhia]

It could also be a combination of the extra stress and two-year molars waking her up?

[isign]

My computer died just after I posted this, so I thought I'd come back with an update. My DD is fine now, but after talking to the Ped, she agreed that it was most likely nightmares the first several nights. She developed a nasty cold (thanks to family who can't stay home when they are sick) and is just now getting back on track sleeping.

Thanks for the concern and help.