Yargh

[Ceinwen]

My ex has just discovered that the best way to screw me over is to do nothing.

I filed for divorce, and he had 30 days to reply either way. He could a) sign the papers b) hire a lawyer and contest it or c) do nothing.

At the end of 30 days, his opportunity to reply ends. Then my lawyer goes before the judge to ask for an uncontested divorce.

My ex (thus far - there are 10 days left) has done nothing. He doesn't even disagree with what I filed. The easiest thing to do would be for him to sign the papers saying he agreed.

However, he recently found out (how, I don't know) that if he just waits - it will cost me an additional $4000 - $5000 JUST for my lawyer to go to court.

My costs are sky rocketing.

I swear to god. Some days he calls and wants to be best friends.Wants me to listen to all his stuff about work, etc. He has no friends, no family, etc. These conversations usually end up with me crying because I feel so horribly awful for him. He's lost everything, and while I know it's not my fault - sometimes I feel like it is. He's so alone.

Then other days, he calls and picks arguments. I've taken everything from him. He lost everything because of me. The kids, the house, everything. Those usually end up with me crying too. It's like a horribly abusive relationship - and we're not even together anymore.

It'd be so easy to cut him off, but we need to work together for the kids' sake. He says he wants more time with them - but when? He makes all these general statements of what he wants, but does  nothing concrete to make it happen.

We're supposed to talk tomorrow about what a) I'm willing to do to accomodate him and b) what the hell it is he wants exactly.

Two years out (from the separation) I thought we'd be close to healing, close to being done this drama - but it never ends.

[Rani]

My friend thought it would be quick too but his ex did what yours is doing. He had to hire a mediator 18 months later. The judge wouldn't even see the paperwork till all the agreements were worked out but my friend was able to avoid the 4k price tag by the judge forcing the mediation.

[Avani]

Or if the judge approves the uncontested divorce you will get everything you asked for. I know that's a hefty price tag but honestly I would have given anything to have paid $5000 for an uncontested divorce. Instead of 4 years and counting of non stop court battles. If my lawyer wasn't pro bono I would easily be looking at a $30k bill with her. Maybe it's a good thing, He is showing the court he doesn't care enough about the divorce or the kids to file a response or agree/disagree.

[josybear]

i agree with avani. sure, it's a lot of money, but you're getting a good deal if you look at all the awesomeness you get out of it.

as for the calls, detach. let go. talk about the kids, period. he isn't your responsibility, he isn't your job. don't let him keep his hold on you. i know it's harder than that, but you really need to do this. if you wanted this crap you'd still be with him, right? so don't engage on the phone.

[Mummoth]

I had a similar problem with my divorce... I couldn't get XH served because he's moved to another province and won't provide an address. My lawyer had me email him and say that we'd be seeking costs if we had to get an order for substitutive service. Ex hired a lawyer and responded to the divorce papers (which made serving him unnecessary) and then withdrew his response so the divorce would be uncontested. Maybe if your XH won't be willing to risk being on the hook for the additional costs? Can you apply for costs to be assigned to someone else in court where you are?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen 

I swear to god. Some days he calls and wants to be best friends.Wants me to listen to all his stuff about work, etc. He has no friends, no family, etc. These conversations usually end up with me crying because I feel so horribly awful for him. He's lost everything, and while I know it's not my fault - sometimes I feel like it is. He's so alone.

Then other days, he calls and picks arguments. I've taken everything from him. He lost everything because of me. The kids, the house, everything. Those usually end up with me crying too. It's like a horribly abusive relationship - and we're not even together anymore.

It'd be so easy to cut him off, but we need to work together for the kids' sake. He says he wants more time with them - but when? He makes all these general statements of what he wants, but does  nothing concrete to make it happen.

We're supposed to talk tomorrow about what a) I'm willing to do to accomodate him and b) what the hell it is he wants exactly.

Two years out (from the separation) I thought we'd be close to healing, close to being done this drama - but it never ends.

Re: the being best friends/worst enemies - there are ways to work together for the sake of the children, and not get pulled into his drama (aka, he's lost everything/picking fights with you).  It's great that you want to be amicable so that your children are taken care of by parents who co-parent well - but that doesn't mean your ex should be allowed to call you and make you cry.  Thats called manipulation.  Learn to tell him that you are happy to talk about the children, but that you aren't interested in hearing the intricacies of his life - unless they involve the children directly.

[meemee]

ceinwen, you have alluded to this on a few threads here.

i think you really need healing yourself. why are you putting the power in your ex's hands. why are you letting his words affect you so much.

do you really, REALLY feel it is your fault? why dont you explore that within yourself.

your post tells me you have some inner healing to do yourself. hopefully you will discover some ways of doing it. i had to go thru an intensive 2 years of doing it before i was able to listen without getting hurt. 

i am pretty sure he has no idea himself of what he wants and how to make it happen. it is something you might need to do. try to get him to be more specific. so if he says i want to take the children more ask him when. and based on his answer you might need to point certain things out to him like 'are you sure after a 10 hour day you have the energy to take care of the girls', or but dont you have ----- on that day so how will you take the girls. 

the thing is he is feeling like a victim and then making you feel like one. some people like that feeling of moaning and groaning. they are so used to it that that's all they know what to do. so you have to find a way of cutting that. since you are being affected. either you can listen to everything by not being affected or you'll have to cut the umbilical cord. neither of them are easy to do. but it IS doable and you CAN do it - might take some time. 

intially i gave in a lot to my ex as he tried to figure things out. and then i stopped. and let him figure it out for himself. 

what was it that a mama said here 'pass the bean dip' method. if the conversation is going down the path you dont want to go, use the bean dip method. change it. dont let him use you as a therapy tool. 

[*MamaJen*]

Okay, so that's a crappy situation, especially with the extra money for the contested divorce.

However, as far as the other part about you feeling horribly awful for him...that's your choice. It's your choice to listen to his rants, and it's your choice to let him make you feel bad.

I know you want to maintain an amicable relationship, but right now, it sounds like the coparenting relationship is desperately in need of boundaries. And until that happens -- until you put those boundaries into place -- the relationship will continue to be unhealthy.

I know I have a lot of codependent tendencies, and boundary-setting is really difficult for me. I have this utter horror at the thought of making someone else feel bad about themselves. But I'm slowly learning boundaries as a very necessary self-preservation technique. Have you ever taken a look at Codependent No More? I feel like it helped me tremendously.

Right now, he's manipulating you. You have to choose whether or not you want to help him manipulate you.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by meemee 

ceinwen, you have alluded to this on a few threads here.

i think you really need healing yourself. why are you putting the power in your ex's hands. why are you letting his words affect you so much.

do you really, REALLY feel it is your fault? why dont you explore that within yourself.

your post tells me you have some inner healing to do yourself. hopefully you will discover some ways of doing it. i had to go thru an intensive 2 years of doing it before i was able to listen without getting hurt. 

i am pretty sure he has no idea himself of what he wants and how to make it happen. it is something you might need to do. try to get him to be more specific. so if he says i want to take the children more ask him when. and based on his answer you might need to point certain things out to him like 'are you sure after a 10 hour day you have the energy to take care of the girls', or but dont you have ----- on that day so how will you take the girls. 

the thing is he is feeling like a victim and then making you feel like one. some people like that feeling of moaning and groaning. they are so used to it that that's all they know what to do. so you have to find a way of cutting that. since you are being affected. either you can listen to everything by not being affected or you'll have to cut the umbilical cord. neither of them are easy to do. but it IS doable and you CAN do it - might take some time. 

intially i gave in a lot to my ex as he tried to figure things out. and then i stopped. and let him figure it out for himself. 

what was it that a mama said here 'pass the bean dip' method. if the conversation is going down the path you dont want to go, use the bean dip method. change it. dont let him use you as a therapy tool. 

Damn you ladies are always right. I just want to be done with him - with the emotional part of it, you know? Obviously we're going to need to communicate, and god knows I'd rather be friendly. But I am so, so tired of being on tenterhooks waiting to see what mood he's going to be it. Do I need to placate him, be his buddy, avoid him, etc. etc.

meemee, I'm literally going to print out your post and slap it in my journal. Especially the part about not letting him affect me, and him not even knowing what it is he wants. Even he's hinted around that - he wants this, that and the other thing... but there's never any concrete follow through.

Appreciate the feedback. Totally feeling stronger today. Oh, and Avani - totally correct. Considering the possibilities, I could make out quite well with this. It just chaps my hide that he has discovered one more way to get to me.