Motherhood and libido

[McGucks]

I would like anyone's input on the effects of early motherhood and/or breastfeeding on libido (my baby is 8 months).  All other factors are fine--I am not any more sleep deprived than the average bear, I get great support from my husband and we have a strong relationship.  I understand the being "touched out" phenomenon, but I do not feel that is an issue.  I am just wondering about possible hormonal shifts that would alter libido.  Thanks.

Edited by McGucks - 12/2/10 at 1:14pm

[Knitting Mama]

My daughter is nearly 8 months old, and I simply have zero desire. Like you said, it's more than being touched out (which I am), it's like literally that part of my brain has been removed and what libido I used to have is nonexistent now. I have no solution for you, but plenty of commiseration.

[McGucks]

Hi and thanks for writing back.  You put it well--about the brain removal...I claim Mommy Brain for many things, but I am very interested to hear back about this issue.  Your daughter is just beautiful.  My husband is very understanding and patient, so I am lucky in that regard.  We are also older parents--I am 40 & he's 37--don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I am amazed at how little interest I have, especially since I had more interest that I knew what to do with during parts of my pregnancy.  Guess we'll hang in there...I know "different" doesn't always mean bad, but I also know that a good physical relationship is an important part of a partnership...

[Knitting Mama]

Yeah, my husband is very understanding and patient, but I know how hard this is on him. I do really feel that there is more to it than me being tired and touched out. I have heard from various friends that the first year after baby #1 is the hardest and that it does get better, and I am hoping that is the case. If not, I know that I also suffer from anxiety issues, and I do sometimes wonder if anxiety/depression is going on and I am too busy and worn out to really notice. I have always been high functioning with my depression, so it's tricky. But anxiety and depression can for sure affect libido. I hope to breastfeed my daughter until she is 2, unless she decides sooner that she is done, but after that, I may consider getting on medication if things aren't better.

Thank you for the compliment! She is my dream come true.

[Ginabeanna]

Thank God I am not the only one.  I am totally frustrated.  My son is almost 8 months and I also have an almost three year old.  Sure I am tired, but it is not anything I cannot deal with and yet I have no sex drive.  It is very bizarre to me as I have had a higher than normal sex drive for our entire marriage (14 years) and did not have this issue after the birth of my first son.  My husband is very understanding and we still have sex frequently because he has a very high sex drive as well, but my heart is just not in it and that really bothers me.  I just started searching today for homeopathic remedies to help kick start things, but am concerned about what I can take while breastfeeding.  I am hopeful that this discussion can help us uncover a reason and some possible solutions/remedies.

[Mawood]

My daughter is 10 months old and I too have no sex drive at all. I do think it is a combination of the hormones and the feeling of being touched out. I still like to snuggle, hug, getting a nice back rub but feel way to touched out to take any initiative. My husband is patient and understanding but does miss that part of our relationship a lot. It is so good to hear that I am not the only one but I guess that doesn't help him much. We also co sleep and I night nurse a lot so I feel fortunate when I just get some time for myself which really hasn't happened either (Only if I get up at 6am when Olivia and my husband are sleeping and do some Yoga). Sometimes I think if I would have a time for myself I would have more desires but who knows. We both want to co sleep and agree on the attachment parenting philosophy so that helps. I would be interested if there is a big shift when the babies are starting to eat more solids and nurse less. Olivia does not eat much at all and just isn't interested so I practically still nurse exclusively. 

[expat-mama]

DS is almost 5 months and we're in the same boat.

I was thinking of trying Maca- DH and I tried it when we were TTC and it heightened our libido (his more than mine, but it worked) and gave me more energy. I'm not sure if it's safe while breastfeeding. It tastes really good mixed with hot chocolate though!

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by expat-mama 

DS is almost 5 months and we're in the same boat.

I was thinking of trying Maca- DH and I tried it when we were TTC and it heightened our libido (his more than mine, but it worked) and gave me more energy. I'm not sure if it's safe while breastfeeding. It tastes really good mixed with hot chocolate though!

What's Maca? Never heard of it.

I too have zero libido. I mean none. It's a total bummer, and although we try from time to time, I am never truly into it. It doesn't help that DS only naps for 30 minutes at a time, and even when we put him down for the night he still wakes a couple times before I go to bed with him, not to mention we're both too tired by evening to get anything going then. *sigh*

[sosurreal09]

im on the other end i want sex all the time DD is 14 m/o now but still nursing although i dont think thats why. well im sure hormonally something is up but i didnt get like this until she was about 9 m/o

[beebalmmama]

It didn't improve for me until ds1 was around 2 yrs, when he was nursing only 2-3 times a day. But then I haven't had a strong libido since my early twenties. But things were just starting to pick up and heading back to normal when I became pregnant with ds2. I think both dh and I see, this second time around, that it is a phase. We know we both need the physical closeness but he is much more understanding with where I'm coming from and that this time will pass. When my LO's started solids didn't have any affect on my libido. I do think it started my ovulation again and did change hormones, but for me not enough to regain a sex drive.

[expat-mama]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

What's Maca? Never heard of it.

I too have zero libido. I mean none. It's a total bummer, and although we try from time to time, I am never truly into it. It doesn't help that DS only naps for 30 minutes at a time, and even when we put him down for the night he still wakes a couple times before I go to bed with him, not to mention we're both too tired by evening to get anything going then. *sigh*

Maca is a Peruvian root vegetable- similar to a sweet potatao. It is eaten down there as a staple food and it's known to regulate hormones and aid in fertility. You can buy it in capsule form or as a powder.
 

[hakeber]

I have limited initiative any more.  I'm not turned off by the idea of sex, I just don't have it at the front of my mind and frequently would prefer a nap.

I know I should be into it, but I'm not. 

Part of it is hormonal, sure, but I think after 9 months of pregnancy and 10 months of nursing (which I am still doing) I just don't want to spend whatever leftover energy I might have taking care of someone else's sexual needs.  I want to work on building my career back up and rebuilding my sense of self.  I can't be bothered with any of the rituals of preparing for sex, or foreplay or any of that excess stuff. 

My husband is sexy and I want only him, but right now sex is like chocolate to me...if it's there and someone is already warming it up for me, okay I'll have some, but I'm definitely not getting my boots and hat and gloves on go get some, KWIM? 

That being said DH looked after the kids other the night and I went to bed at 5pm and woke up around 6am and I felt really into it that afternoon.  Then DD was up all night and I moved past it again.

Maybe I'm just sleepy.

[trekkingirl]

I am expecting in Feb so am not where you ladies are at yet but I couldn't help but post. I remember with my other two kids having huge libido during pregnancy and feeling completely opposite after baby was born. I think that is really normal when your body is trying to get back to it's old balance.

I was wondering if any of you have tried any steamy movies? That always works for me. Not neccessarily full blown dirty videos but more like Skinemax late night, KWIM? I think that might be worth trying if you really want that tear off your clothes passion and not just DTD.

[mamazee]

I didn't get my libido back until AF showed up again.  Have you started menstruating yet?

[Knitting Mama]

I haven't, but I always had very irregular periods, and got pregnant with Cecilia after not bleeding for about half a year (but obviously ovulating), so I am not sure if the lack of AF is any indication of my fertility these days.

[kittywitty]

I have a high libido until my period starts back ~5 months. Then it goes through cycles of very high to non-existant. Wish I could help with advice!

[johnnymomma]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Yeah, my husband is very understanding and patient, but I know how hard this is on him. I do really feel that there is more to it than me being tired and touched out. I have heard from various friends that the first year after baby #1 is the hardest and that it does get better, and I am hoping that is the case. If not, I know that I also suffer from anxiety issues, and I do sometimes wonder if anxiety/depression is going on and I am too busy and worn out to really notice. I have always been high functioning with my depression, so it's tricky. But anxiety and depression can for sure affect libido. I hope to breastfeed my daughter until she is 2, unless she decides sooner that she is done, but after that, I may consider getting on medication if things aren't better.

Thank you for the compliment! She is my dream come true.

Hi Cecilia's Mama.  Thank you for sharing about your depression and anxiety.  I have a longstanding history with both.  I have been on and off different meds since I was 19 (I am 40 now).  I am hanging on unmedicated for now with compensatory activities including exercise, social contact (I am shy so this is hard), sunlight when I can get it, good nutrition, and breastfeeding (which is supposed to get a lot of those "happy" brain chemicals like serotonin kicking).  I went off meds immediately when I found out I was pregnant (I hadn't even missed a period yet--stocked up on those Dollar Store EPTs).  I started taking a pre-natal yoga class to try and help myself calm down.  I also was involved with--finally--a really good therapist who didn't try to get a psychiatrist to put me on yet another medication.  When I dealt with this same issue post-partum with my first husband, all I got from him was a whole lot of guilt trips and "this is your problem" speeches, which didn't help.  I was referred to a psychiatrist who put me on this med called Remeron (sp.?), and as I recall, I pretty much slept for a whole weekend.  It didn't help.  I am very fortunate that my current husband is not being demanding or blaming and we kind of are on a "this too shall pass" road.  The first several times we did try to have sex were really uncomfortable and kind of embarrassing, so that may have something to do with why I am not too positive about trying again.  I know the changes in hormones can cause dryness, but I get embarrassed about using a product (which I know I shouldn't).  Guess that's enough personal stuff for now, but I really wanted to thank you for getting back to me.  I was interested in the thread about one woman's libido not returning until her period did.  I still have not gotten mine back (no complaints there), but wonder if that would help.  I am on the mini-pill.  Anyway, thanks and good luck to you!
 

[Mrs.Music]

Originally Posted by hakeber 

 My husband is sexy and I want only him, but right now sex is like chocolate to me...if it's there and someone is already warming it up for me, okay I'll have some, but I'm definitely not getting my boots and hat and gloves on go get some, KWIM? 

THIS! I am pregnant but this is exactly how I feel. DH doesn't understand. Thankfully, I'm used to nursing so I don't get all touched out most days, but it has certainly happened.
 

[sosurreal09]

well i got AF back 2 weeks after my PP bleeding....

[Ninetales]

My girl is 9 months and am the same way.  I don't think I'm "touched out" most of the time, either.  I just am not feeling it all right now.  If he initiates it I'll go along but honestly I feel like there is a lot more I'd rather be doing.  I don't know if it's hormonal but that would make sense.