feeling fine then feeling not fine? over and over

[doulawoman]

My dd is 9 mo. and I have ppd..or something. I've had symptoms such as: insomnia, irritability, anger, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed since her birth..a ver traumatic c-section. At first I had flash backs and nightmares but a counsellor at the health unit did EMDR with me which seemed to help. I've also been working with a classical homeopath since 4 wks pp, some remedies have helped a lot..but at 5 mo pp I became pretty suicidal for a while. My dd is high needs... which compounds things. Right now I'm seeing a new counsellor and trying 5-htp, thyroid support, digestive enzymes, mega fish oil, b-12, iron, melatonin for sleep. I feel it's helping but...what does it mean if ypu have one or two good days and feel pretty much normal,even happy, then some bad days where you might cry or feel "crazy" and like harming yourself? I keep thinking I'm better because of this pattern...usually I feel loads better when dh has the day off, I have extra help, friends visit etc. but if one little thing goes "wrong: I spiral super quick and go back to where I was. I have my mw's on speed dial for emergencies, dh is somewhat aware of what's going on but then I seem normal so i think he gets confused....has anyone experienced this? The counsellor who did the EMDR said I seemed to have features of PTSD...

I haven't tried meds ever...I am really scared of feeling numb since right now I have moments and days where I feel "normal" but sometimes I wish I'd tried meds and therapy sooner...it's been nine months where more than 50% of the time I haven't enjoyed being a mom, just slogged through it.

I feel really confused. how can I go from ok (not hyper or anything) to awful so quickly? I feel really unstable. I've started to open up to friends more about what's going on with me...maybe so I can stop pretending and trying to hold it all together which is exhausting...but they say meds just cover the symptoms blah blah. My midwife is willing to help me get a referral to the psychiatrist at the hospital so I can get a diagnosis and have access to the mental health programs including a support group and things like that. I am scared but thinking about it...I felt pretty low a lot during pregnancy too and anxiety which I just trudged through and got acupuncture that didn't help at all. I also had major depression as a teen (was diagnosed and decided against meds at the time despite them really pushing them) and to be honest nearly ever winter I have mild-moderate depression I just deal with and I haven't coped well with stress (less well than the average person) sicne I was 15. Now with a baby and hormone changes I just can't seem to slog through anymore, the ups and downs are exhausting. I'm tired of being "proud" and above meds...but yet terrified they'll make me have no libido, make me fat and numb...also we are TTC...or at least open to another babe,,,help me sort throught this..has anyone else felt this way and what did you do? Mental illness runs very high on both sides of my family and now I see similar issues in my 17 year old sister (she started cutting herself...) and my mom has never been diagnosed but had ppd after all of her children and regularly had crazy mood swings, went into rages etc...not sure i fthis means anything...

[goodygumdrops]

asdasda

Well, I know exactly what you mean...and it is incredibly confusing.  It seems like your managing well but I would seriously consider trying a ssri.  I know that you don't want to feel numb but once you get over the initial adjustment, I have a feeling that they will work great for you.  I was diagnosed with ppd when my son was about 18 months.  I had a really hard time with panic, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts.  Once the meds started really working, I was able to get it together and I had a good two years without any issues.  I recently have had a couple of pani

[goodygumdrops]

Ok, first of all, I have no idea why but my screen froze and I couldn't continue my post. 

I recently had a couple of panic attacks but I know that I kind of triggered them by not taking good care of myself and not eating well.  Doing to much and expecting too much, yk. 

Anyways, I just wanted to say that we have to try and remain positive and know that what we are going through now, will not be the story of our lives.  It's just a challenge for now.  At least for me, I lived 30 years without issues with anxiety or panic and I expect to overcome this disorder and have another thirty years.  So, hold your head up...you will make it through, hon.

[mommaklo]

 I felt pretty low a lot during pregnancy too and anxiety which I just trudged through and got acupuncture that didn't help at all. I also had major depression as a teen (was diagnosed and decided against meds at the time despite them really pushing them) and to be honest nearly ever winter I have mild-moderate depression I just deal with and I haven't coped well with stress (less well than the average person) sicne I was 15. Now with a baby and hormone changes I just can't seem to slog through anymore, the ups and downs are exhausting

 
I can totally relate to this. I dont have as drastic of highs and lows as it sounds you are having, but definitely they are helped by having dh home, my mom down, etc and I also find that because my ds is suuuuper high needs(hes almost 9 mos), they reflect closely his behavior ( as in, if hes having a decent day and not screaming all day, I feel somewhat capable.) there are days I get alot done a feel good about it (by this I mean I kept the house, dishes, laundry and kid clean) and Im not wearing spit up. Other days, when hes pissy from the get go, I am in my pjs most of the day and feel lifeless. Its got to be partly ds but obviously Im not blaming him, its me too. I dont find a whole lot of joy in mothering, and most days it is slogging through, With this kid, everything is a battle. Getting him into his carseat, changing his diaper, etc, hes screaming.

I dont have alot of advice to offer, just saw this and know that I am at the same place. Havent done or really considered meds, I really believe it would be a cse of the baby "blues" should my ds be easier and I cant articulate this enough to people around me to know if I still need meds, but I do alot of herbs for calming, as my reaction to no sleep/constant crying/etc is anger and I take lemon balm, oats tincture, nettles, b vits, prenatal, fish oil (tho I stopped this bc we thought ds had a fish allergy, turns out hes pretty much allergic to everything BUT fish, and this just adds to the problem but thats another story). Hang in there, I know we wont endure this forever, I too want another baby, but am also SCARED to death of going through this again. I just keep telling myself "do people really have two high needs kids in a row? Can it be possible?"

[doulawoman]

Had my follow-up with the naturopath and found out my thyroid is quite low. She gave me a copy of the bloodwork (which my doc did and he said nothing about this!?) I'm on some kind of pill now along with 5-htp, digestive enzymes and some sort of homeopathic for anxiety. I also ahd a wonderful crainiosacral appt that helped so much. She is a physical therapist so here in Canada through my and dh's work she is covered for a certain amoutn of visits (yay) as is the naturopath. The Naturopath said it could take a few months to really get my thyroid back where it needed to be. I'm kind of glad I did the last-ditch effort at the naturopath because I've heard anti depressants don't work well if you're hypothyroid?? anyway, maybe this explains a lot.

[hibana]

:hug I think that after you get your thyroid in good shape, everything else will be easier to identify and deal with/manage. If your thyroid is low then everything else is SO much harder.

[doulawoman]

After a whole week of waking up every 1/2 hour (or less) to 1.5 hours I started feeling pretty weird, is that normal? And miserable. Can one take medication (and will it work) if the thyroid is messed up? I'm ok on the up days when less stress, good sleep, but with dd there is never a guarentee. I feel like a shitty mama.

[lisasaurus]

i'm so sorry mama! messed up sleep makes it impossible to heal. is it possible your period is returning? (assuming that it hasn't yet). I tend to get wicked insomnia during PMS.

your are NOT a shitty mama. its impossible to give yourself credit for all the great things you are doing when you feel like shit. try and give yourself a break. and do whatever you feel comfortable with to get you back to balance. this really will pass, i promise.

this coming from a mama who tried everything to avoid meds, but ultimately its what helps now, and i'm trying to be ok with it. when my boy is older i can re-explore all the other methods of treating my chronic depression and anxiety.

[SubliminalDarkness]

A few things.... Who says meds only cover up symptoms? The medication treats a chemical imbalance. That's not covering things up, that's correcting a problem. There is no shame in getting help, whether that be through natural measures or medication. Medication is a wonderful thing when it's used correctly. I have used anti-depressants at various points in my life when I felt like I couldn't manage my depression on my own, almost always in periods of outside stress. I WISH I had gotten on medication when I had DS1. At the time, I didn't really understand what was happening, and neither did DH. We got through that time, but I missed out on so much. And DS1 didn't get the best version of me. 

And fwiw, meds have never made me feel numb, at all. 

[doulawoman]

Originally Posted by lisasaurus 

i'm so sorry mama! messed up sleep makes it impossible to heal. is it possible your period is returning? (assuming that it hasn't yet). I tend to get wicked insomnia during PMS.

your are NOT a shitty mama. its impossible to give yourself credit for all the great things you are doing when you feel like shit. try and give yourself a break. and do whatever you feel comfortable with to get you back to balance. this really will pass, i promise.

this coming from a mama who tried everything to avoid meds, but ultimately its what helps now, and i'm trying to be ok with it. when my boy is older i can re-explore all the other methods of treating my chronic depression and anxiety.

Well, I do tend to post more post-ovulatuion lol. I just got AF today, but I have been a wreck all cycle long lately. I got AF back at 4 months pp, dd is 9.5 months. thanks both of you for making me feel better about this. I may call my naturopath mon. and ask if I can do meds and continue treatment with her. I feel like I've reached a critical point...