'It's irresponsible for you to have more than two children' - Page 2

[goinggreengirl]

Originally Posted by ekblad9 

I get alot of this and have developed a thick skin.  We have 9 children and are hoping to have more.  My SIL has zero.  My BIL has 2.  To each his own.  I don't give people a hard time for having none, 1, 2, etc so whatever.  I don't care what people think about me or say.  Our neighbors have 1 or 2 kids (or none) and live in houses bigger than ours and drive hummers.  We have maybe one garbage can out on garbage day and four recycling containers.  Our neighbors have at least 2 or 3 garbages and usually no recycling.  We use cloth and always have for diapers.  We are very earth friendly and our (grown) children are as well (our younger kids are too, of course, but they live here so it's different).  Listen to your heart.  That's all that really matters.  My MIL hasn't spoken to us in two years b/c we have chosen to have a large family.  Really?  How is *that* accepting of everyone or loving?  It's not.  It's just ridiculous.  We have tried to be kind and do kind things for her.  She hates us b/c of our family size.  That's a shame but we pray for her daily.  I hope her heart changes one day.

We only have one child right now and don't want quite that many kids, but I know what you mean about the garbage situation. We use cloth and reusable whenever possible. Our neighbors have a FULL and overflowing garbage bin days before trash day (and they never have any recycling) and they don't have any kids. Ours is usually only half full and our recycling is full. Your ecological footprint is not based on how many kids you have- it's the choices you make and the choices you teach your children to make that make a difference.

[mamabutterfly]

madsommer, I'm very excited for you too! I'm sure this new little one will be a gift to your family.

I hope people have good reactions for you... maybe wait a little for the news to settle w/you & dh, if you aren't ready to field commentary from the peanut gallery yet.

Amy, it's nice to see you - I believe I remember when you became ekblad5. ;)

I've been sitting with this conversation for several days (in my own head) and have gently tested the waters with a few people I care about - and have gotten very sweet responses encouraging about our thoughts of trying for #3.

I also think it matters a lot how you raise them to live consciously in the world, as others have said.

[madsommer]

Thank you ladies.  After talking with my husband, I am feeling much better and a lot more excited.  Though I am going to take your advice, mamabutterfly, and wait a little while longer until we tell our family.  I have faith that things will work themselves out :)

[violet]

I love these answers and they are the reasons I myself have 4 lovely angels. But my quick retort to such out of line comments is

"The world needs my children" 

I don't know for a fact that my kids will be leaders or problem solvers but that's how I'm raising them -- to be ecological, empathetic, progressive minded... They will be the kind of people the world needs to solve the next generation's problems.

I heard Dr. Sears' wife (Martha?) say something very close to this at a LLL conference.

[klemomma]

In response to OP, when I hear, "Yes, but children are so expensive" as a reason why it is irresponsible to have many children, I now have line (that I think I may have originally gotten from MDC some time ago) -

"Children are not expensive, lifestyles are."

And this line is really along the lines of what others have said. The worlds ills are not caused by your children, or my children, or children in general. It really is an issue of lifestyles and choices, IMO.

We aren't even considered poor by anyone - DH is a SAHD and I make decent money. We have a roof over our heads (a home we own), we eat healthy food, we have appropriate clothing to wear, and my kids do not go without the necessities or even some small luxuries. Yet, we still get comments. Actually, I think people *think* we are poor just because we have 4 kids, LOL :-) Like, you can't have 4 kids and not be poor, unless of course you are wealthy or something. 

Whatever.

You have to do what is right for your family. And, if you and / or your children can actually work to solve some or the world's problems, or even help a little bit, then all the better :-)

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by goinggreengirl 

We use cloth and reusable whenever possible. Our neighbors have a FULL and overflowing garbage bin days before trash day (and they never have any recycling) and they don't have any kids. Ours is usually only half full and our recycling is full. Your ecological footprint is not based on how many kids you have- it's the choices you make and the choices you teach your children to make that make a difference.

Amen. We used to live in a duplex next to two college girls. They had the biggest trash bin I've ever seen for a residential home overflowing each week with no recycling. Plus each had one of those huge monster SUVs. We have a gas efficient van and one small trash bin with two recycling bins. It was really weird.

OP-You have every right to be happy. Congrats!

Trying to figure out this quote deal, bear with me. lol

[mamalex23]

How do you quote just a sentence from a post??

Kindermama- I love how you said you believe in raising your children to be blessings to others. I believe children are blessing too.

I think at this time on our earth, loved and wanted children are really important. If all the men who lead our country, and others, into mindless wars and irresponsible debts had been well-loved and truly wanted they would be leading us to peace and wholesome prosperity. Hopefully our children can do that for the future. Sorry if this sounds super hokey, just MPO.

[BeanSprout Mama]

I have three kids right now and hear this occasionally. My standard reply is "which one shouldn't I have had?"

But I don't tend to be very polite when people think they get a vote about my family size.  The only people who get a vote in my family size are my husband and me. I've never understood why other people feel that it's up to them how many children a couple has. As has already been pointed out, the USA is pretty darn close to zero population growth. Don't we hear every day about how there aren't enough young adults now to support the baby boomers wanting to retire? We try to live as green as we can, and that's a lot more than many people can say, including lots of people who have NO children.

FWIW we are planning to TTC a #4 later this year. I don't know if we will have more after that, but it definitely won't be decided by jerks who think they get to dictate my family size for me.

[dashley111]

When did 1 or 2 become the "norm"?  If you look back just a few generations ago 4, 5, or even 6 kids was typical.  How are the same people, from these larger family generations (MIL's, gradparents) saying its irresponsible to have more than 1 or 2?  There's always a shift with every new generation, and I see many more large families now than years ago.

And I LOVE it!  We just spent $10,000 to be able to conceive #3, despite the opinions of my MIL and various other family members.  We are very self sufficient people, we raise as much of our own food as we can- we are conscious of the world and what the world needs, and we are COMPLETELY financially responsible for ourselves. I am also a SAHM.  I love the comment about children not being expensive, lifestyles being expensive- its very true!

[littlecityfarmer]

My DH is the youngest of 8, I'm the oldest of 3, and my mom is the oldest of 6 (and one of 16 cousins from the 6 kids of her grandmother's-- 3 of the aunts never had kids), and my own family will be complete with 4 kids. I totally agree with the PPs who had pointed out that it is totally possible to sustainably raise a "large" family by making ecologically-responsible lifestyle choices. We do have a van instead of the tiny cars we used to have, but we're a one-car family now, and I've used most of the same diapers and baby clothes for all 3, and will stretch them to #4, pass on what's usable, then use the rest for cleaning cloths and the scrap basket. We grow much of our food, and are conscientiously get most of the rest from local farmers and local shops, etc.

I think smaller families became the norm as kids became an economic liability rather than a benefit-- mountains of new "gear", day care, other entertainment, and all of the expenses of many modern families, while in agrarian times, big families were free a labor force. And let's not forget the decrease in infant and child mortality-- my paternal great-grandmother was one of 13 kids, but illness, accidents, and war meant that only 5 of them survived to adulthood and reproduction...

[Lisa1970]

I just say I am not out to support everyone else's children, just mine. 

Honestly, I hate hate hate the people who are like that. These are people who do not even hear what they are saying. Just because some country on the otherside of the world has population issues and such does not mean I should not have more children. The same PC people who are in to population control tend to be in to a lot of things I am not in to.....basically, a lot of over the top, close minded PC view points. I even saw someone post the other day to a news article that white people should not be allowed to have children. Then claims that the only white people who have more than 2 children are racists who are trying to have more kids than black people. How racist is THAT statement?

Honestly, my children are well raised and hopefully, will be contributing members of society. There are not enough contributing members of society, and at the direction it is going, the world needs more contributing members to support all those people who want to live off of welfare and social programs that involve them not working and others supporting them (like in Canada and the UK).

So, on a case by case basis, if someone says something to me about it, I have a different response. But it is usually obvious. Like the drug addict (yes, a relative of dh's, who is a drug addict and only had their own single child live with them on occassion) telling me how I should not have another. I think I said something to the effect of "correct, YOU should not have another, but we need more of my children to pay the taxes to cover your bills." Oh, my mother tried to tell me I should have no more when I was on my second. But then when my brother married someone who already had 4 children by 2-3 different men, my mother went on and on about how it was so wrong that she was refusing to have a child with him. I asked her why someone who has had that many children by that many men is entitled, but I am not just because all my children are with the same man. Think about it. I do not know anyone who objects to big families who also objects to the couple who already have 4-5 kids between them with other people, having one together. Sort of a "one and done" attitude. Must be with lots of partners and make lots of babies, but none of them by the same dad/mom. 

Anyway, I am trying to say that this sort of remark just ticks me off big time. And I just get mad when someone dares to say it to me.

[Belia]

"Who asked you?"

Said with either a friendly smile, scowl, or look of (pretend) total confusion.... depending upon whos asking.

[dalia]

I love this thread. I was born in the US but my parents are from central america, where culturally big families are desired. I believe it has something to do with the survival of the culture as a whole. So if you look at your family as part of a culture of love and enlightenment then yeah, we need more of you!

I am SO using some stuff from this thread in my campaign (to my dh) for another baby!!

[TrishWSU]

Quote:

Originally Posted by klemomma 

"Children are not expensive, lifestyles are."

I LOVE this line! So perfect-I may just have to use it. I so agree with what many have said on here-having wanted and loved children can only be a good thing! If you're happy with your choices then who cares what anyone else thinks.

[Adaline'sMama]

My MIL is one of those people (jeeze, I wonder how many times Ive typed that sentence). She has even said when DH and I talked about trying this coming summer, "Oh, it would be so sad if you had them so close together because DH would never get to see them. Plus,then you'd be done with babies forever before you are even 30!"  This sentence is offensive because a) she assumes that I want to have kids past 35, and that DH and I were "too young" to start a family- I was 26 when DD was born b) she makes the assumption that I dont plan to have more than 2, even though weve told her more than once that we do want more than 2. c) she makes the assumption that its ME pusing for more kids and Im just going to work her poor son to death- he wants 5!! I only want 3!!! grrr...

Usually, when people make comments like that I just say, "Well, its good that Im the one having them, not you!" and try to laugh it off.

[Mommyofalmost6]

As a mama of a large family and possibly another on the way, my response to rude people is either pass the bean dip or some sort of its none of your buisness response. As long as you can provide for your family that is all that matters. How many kids you have is up to you, your partner and what ever higher power you believe in. Tell the rude people that they get a say in how large your family is when they are the ones paying your bills, doing your laundry and cooking your meals. Till then they have no say and do not need to be so rude. Once called out people normally back off.

[Mosaic]

I am well-versed in the environmental and financial impacts of population growth and prefer smaller families. That said, I think the same thing can be said to anyone who shoves their nose into your decisions regarding children, whether you have none at all or 19 and counting:

"It's inappropriate to judge others' family planning decisions, and I'll neither comment on yours nor defend mine."

[Mommyofalmost6]

Originally Posted by Mosaic 

"It's inappropriate to judge others' family planning decisions, and I'll neither comment on yours nor defend mine."

I LOVE that and think I may have to use it!

[urbangoddess2]

I wouldn't dare comment on how many children other people have.  I think it would be irresponsible for ME to have more children if I couldn't support my existing kids basic needs.  I'm from a large family (6 kids) and my parents were from families of 3-6 kids and my grandparents each had 16 siblings (and most of them lived into adulthood)!  My DH is from a notably smaller family. We're TTC #3.  Our life will change when (s)he gets here (there will be bedroom sharing) but we're not worried.  I always imagined I'd have 4 kids (it seems like the perfect number).  As far as population goes, I think we're doing our country a favour.  The government is non-stop talking about the amount of old people that will need to be taken care of and the lack of young people that will be able to pay their (OUR!) pension and health expenses.

[MountainMamaGC]

Overpopulation is a myth. Its a complete myth. Thats what I tell people anyway. 

http://overpopulationisamyth.com/