Dating credentials

[Eeyore35]

I'm 36 and have never been married or lived with anyone. My longest realtionship was 6 months, and that was with mydaughter's father.

I use to be fairly open about it, but recently, I mentioned that to a new friend, and she looked horrified, and  hasn't really talked to me since.

After that, it came up with someone else I want ot be friens with. He told me he was separated and asked me a bunch of questions about my husband. I told him I wasn't with my daughter's father, hadn't been with that long whene I got pregnant, and had decided to end things right before I found out I was pregnant. But I couldnt bring myself ot tell him I was never married to or lived with my daughter's father.  Now, if he ever finds out, it'll be like I lied. And then he won't be my friend, and I want to be friends with him. he's smart and funny and i like talking with him, and well, i could use more friends.

People just assume that at my age, I'm married or have been married, especally since I have a  young child. I feel like some kind of freak having never been married.

I did have a "relationship" that lasted for about 7 years, but it wasn't exclusive, it wasn't normal, and it was emotionally and sexually abusive. It's why I avoided normal relationships for most of my 20's.

What do I tell people I want to be friends with, but am not ready to share all that with? And may never be. Right now, only 2 people know the full story. I may never share it with anyone else. (and no, this post doesn't tell the whole story, and I won't tell it here).

[babygirlie]

Don't say anything. If he asks have you ever been married? No. End of story. I'm 34. I've never been married. *shrug* Why? I don't believe in it. If they make divorce illegal I might believe in it but as it is now I think it is a joke and I certainly don't depend on my status of being with someone to make me someone.

Am I too ugly to have been asked? No I've been asked by like 15 different people. I just have zero desire to be in that situation.

[doubledutch]

i have a lot of male and female friends in their 30s (and older) that have never been married and i don't think it's weird.  i'm sorry your friend reacted that way.  as for the newer guy friend, it's okay - you don't have to give full disclosure, that's not lying.  most of my friends don't know (or didn't find out until they knew me a loooooooooong time) that i was married when i was 20 and left him for my now soon-to-be-ex-husband when i was 21.  that's way worse than never married, lol!  is it dishonest of me not to tell people that when we're first getting to know each other?  no way!  it's not something they need to know about me.

p.s. i also have a lot of friends who got married around 40 and now have happy families.  congratulations on *not* marrying the wrong person when you were younger, just for the sake of getting married!  it means you're still free to find the person who is right for you.

[Oh the Irony]

I don't think it will come across as a lie. I think it is normal in early relationships to give a layer of info and gradually give more as you become closer. He doesn't deserve or need to know your whole history just because he asked.

In answer to your other question, I would think it strange if someone I was dating had never been in a relationship over 6 months. It would actually be a bit of a red flag. Not the marriage part--could care less about that. I'm 41.

BUT, it sounds like you were in a relationship for 7 years. Doesn't matter that it wasn't a good one. You were there. If directly asked about relationship length I would say 7 years. It is truthful. Details are totally at your discretion. If someone pushes then tell them to back off. You are allowed boundaries. I actually respect people more who give out info gradually.

And babygirlie, I think "ugly people" get marriage proposals too.

[lilyka]

I don;t think you have lied or been misleading.  I don't see any reason to lay down your whole life story to someone you just met.  I expect the finer details of people's lives to unfold as we become closer.  

It is fine that you have never been married.  You need to stop feeling like it is something that you need to declare or warn people about.  your friend who thought you were weird is the weird one.  Why would someone walk away from you for that?  no reason at all.  So tell your new friend what you are comfortable telling him so long as it is not a lie (and I don't see any way you lied or misled.) if he asks for more tell him if you are comfortable.  If you are not comfortable tell him you really prefer not to discuss your past right now.

[babygirlie]

lol I personally don't find human beings "ugly". I just put that in there as in "there must be something wrong with you then" concept. Nothing wrong with me in that aspect :P

[provocativa]

I agree with the other posters.  7 years is a long relationship.  Some folks are polyamorous and never exclusive.  That skewed and abusive relationship is likely the reason that you haven't been in another relationship longer than 6 months.  Maybe you choose partners you know you will reject later, to avoid a long term relationship, or some other bit of armchair psychology. 

[4 in 2005]

I agree that you didn't lie.  You just didn't give all the details which is fine.  I don't let everyone I meet know my story.  There are women in their 30's that have never been married and it is fine. My roommate will be 36 this month and never been married.  My boyfriend is 37 and never been married.  He actually has only had one serious relationship.   That is just the way it is.

Jennifer