How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is a pretty good book. It is of course more directed to dealing with kids but there are a lot of good ideas in there dealing with anyone.
Originally Posted by Punchy Kaby
I am also trying to be a better listener. I just read a few things about reflective listening and I have to say that I had a friend who tried to use it on me and it came off poorly. I felt like she was putting words into my mouth, it was patronizing and overall it felt fake.
Yeah, I could see how it could be used badly and come off like that. It also depends on the attitude of the person who's trying to listen to you, if they really don't care, it's gonna sound fake. If she really did care and it still sounded like that to you it might have been another issue or she needed some practice! The idea is not to put words in the other persons mouth, it's to see if 1) you really understood what the other person said and 2) to validate their feelings about what they just said.
SO if you said "I feel like your not listening to me" or "Why do you shut me off when I talk about my mom"
and I said "You feel like I'm not listening to you" or "I shut you off when you talk about your mom" you'd probably be like what!? yeah that's what I just said, aren't you listening? Then we'd be set back further.
What I should have said would be something like
"Ok, so you feel like I'm ignoring you when you talk about XYorZ?" (pause for a second to give them a chance to respond) then you can explain your side or how you feel.