This is embarrassing for me to talk about, because I have issued advice for other mamas before who have had the same problems. I wasn’t always like this. It started when I became a mother. And strangely, not right away either. Probably a few months after my oldest was born. I used to read things like Crimelibrary.com, and was a big supporter of organizations like Findcarrieculberson.com and helpfindkristen.com. I watched the news, no problem. The story about the marine who threw the puppy over the cliff would have bothered me more then the susan smith story before I had kids.
Now, Im an anxious MESS. I cant even THINK about susan smith and what her babies went through. Just typing that has caused me to start tearing up at my desk with a giant lump in my throat. It makes me want to jump in my car and go pick up my kids and take them home and sit on the couch and play or watch movies or read with them. Once Im with them for a while, and not thinking about awful horrible things that have happened to other angels, Im ok. If I don’t read the news, im ok. If I try to avoid the Grief and Loss forum, im ok. But then a part of me feels I owe the mamas over there that have lost their babies the time of reading their story and posting my well wishes and condolences. ITS CRAZY. Am I crazy?
This morning I saw a headline about those three brother in Ohio who are missing. One of them looks a lot like my older son. Flashes of what those poor boys might have gone through go through my head, and I just cant seem to stop it. I don’t know how to detach.
And I wont really go into fiction. I.CANT.DO.IT. Just reading the thread about the movie/book The Road had me close to tears. There is a stupid commercial about quitting smoking with a little boy, about 2 years old, lost in an airport, just crying and crying. UGH, I have to change the freaking channel when it comes on.
How do I detach? How do I separate fact from fiction? How do I keep myself informed of world events without wanting to curl into a ball with my kids on either side of me and disappear?
Like I said, Im not like this all the time. When im with my kids, im engaged and functional and authoritive. I don’t let them walk all over me just because of what MIGHT happen or anything. I do discipline and am trying to raise them to be responsible, polite, contributing members of society. We have fun. We play and sing and read, watch movies together, eat dinner together every night. I take them places on the weekends and look forward to that. They get under my skin when they wont listen or dump the folded laundry basket. Everything seems normal until I am WITHOUT them.
And then its not always like this. Perhaps it’s the season. I am not a cold weather person, but I live in Upstate NY. Therefore it is cold, the trees are bare, the days are very short.
Gosh, going back and reading this is would appear that I am the one with separation anxiety all of a sudden. Is that possible? Can it sprout up out of norwhere, and then go away for a while?
If you have gotten this far through my jumbled mess, thank you. If you have no advice for me, that’s ok. I kinda didn’t expect there to be one for someone like me. Someone whose problems are truly all up in her head. Im cross posting this in mental health as well, since I wasn’t sure which spot it should go in. Peace to all.