4 yr old with a pacifier - help!

[Spring Lily]

***I am not sure where to post this, and I am scared of getting flamed.  So please, if you disagree with pacifiers in general, I am just not interested in hearing about it right now.****

My DD is 4 1/2 years old and still addicted to her pacifier.  I hadn't even planned on giving her one, but she was such a high needs baby that I ended up trying it.  It was the perfect solution.  She could suck 24 hrs a day and I could get breaks from nursing--to eat or use the bathroom, for example!  The downside?  She never took to any other lovey, despite my best efforts.  It was a love affair with the pacifier from day one. 

When she turned about 2, we made the rule that she had to be in bed to have it.  It worked fine, and we weren't nursing anymore so that was a big deal to her.  Just after turning two, her two siblings were born, 6 months later we were focused on potty learning, and 6 months later she started preschool.  Each time I kept saying "well we can't take her main source of self-comfort away when she's going through/about to go through this big change."   I kept waiting for her to outgrow it n her own--ha!

We have talked about the Binky Fairy and she is in general on board with the idea.  I told her I would take her to the toy store and let her pick ANYTHING (this has never happened) and then we'd ask the Fairy to leave that thing when she takes the binkies.  I also suggested we do it for her 5th birthday, because 5 yr olds don't use binkies anymore.  She was thrilled!  And then bedtime came and she threw a horrendous tantrum about how she never wants to turn 5 EVER and she will NEVER give up her binkies because she LOVES THEM so much!  Heartbreaking. 

I know about poking holes, etc in them so they lose their suck.  Or cutting off the silicone part and letting her have the handle part.  Or putting them inside a beloved or new doll or stuffed animal.

But in the end, what tears me up is the thought of taking away her lovey.  It feels wrong.  I still have my old lovey, and when I come across it and pick it up, it's like I'm a baby again.  The most powerful sense of comfort comes over me.  I get tears in my eyes with just the thought of taking something like that from her!  She's just extremely sensitive and I can't imagine the impact it will have on her.  But it has to happen at some point here, because it is effecting her teeth and the dentist has been caring but I know it's becoming an issue. 

I'm hoping for some words of wisdom here!  Thanks.

[mainemommy1]

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom-however I could have written this post. I am living it right now but my child is 5! Our experiences and feelings about the situation are exactly the same. I am interested to see what others have to say. You are not alone!

[pbjmama]

My ds has been binky weaned for a few months. It was a long very slow process for us. Even a couple of times where he 'gave it up' but then changed his mind. Does your dd only use the binky at night? Have you tried going in after she is asleep and removing it?

[Eeyore35]

My daughter had hers til 3.5. I tried the binky fairy dea. I suggested giving them to my bff's baby. I suggested tying them to a helium balloon. No dice. I never tohught of it as her lovey, but come ot think of it, she didn't get super attached to any stuffies til after the sucky was gone.

Finally, in desperation one night, I told her (once again) that they were bad for her teeth, but this time I added that the tooth fairy wouldn't like it. It worked.  

Not sure if that would work for your daughter. I know, it's hard. I told my daughter she could suck her thumb if she needed, which she did half -heatedly to fall asleep, but only ofr a few nights. I would not suggest that unless you are really sure she won't turn into a thumb-sucker.

It's tough. I was glad to see it go. It drove me nuts. People weren't nice about, altho by that stage,it was at home only,and mostly at night. But it was still sad.

I think in some ways it was harder on me than my daughter. She did fine. (once i figured out how to convince her to give it up). She got attached to a couple of her stuffed animals. VERY attached, actually.

[LynnS6]

Our son had his until he lost it. he was about 4 - 4 1/2 at the time. At age 3 1/2 or 4, I quit buying replacements (we'd had one for the car, the bed, and a few spares). Eventually the one in the car disappeared, we lost one from the house (or it disintegrated), and we were down to one. Ds would sit at the top of the stairs and suck it for a bit (he needed to keep it 'upstairs', then toss it down and run off to play. Well, on one of his 'tosses' it disappeared. Dh and ds searched for a good hour one afternoon, and it was gone. We couldn't find it anywhere. We had a rough night or two, but after that he was OK. When he found it 6 weeks later in the bottom of a toy bin, he sucked on it twice, and tossed it back in. So, he was pretty ready.

For your dd, she clearly has a high need to suck. Why do you feel so desperate to get rid of it? She won't have it when she's 16.  Who cares if she's 5 or 6 before she gives it up? Eventually she will. As a former thumb sucker, I can tell you that I needed the comfort and nothing my parents did to try to get me to stop worked until I was ready.

[LauraN]

My feeling about pacifiers is that, if we say that children vary greatly in how long they nurse, then why should it be any different for a pacifier? If you lived in Miami, your child wouldn't seem at all strange--many four and five year-olds run around with pacifiers in their mouths there. So if the age that is "acceptable" is totally cultural, then it has nothing to do with a child's actual needs. Perhaps the best thing is to start limiting it to those times when it's really needed (bedtime, boo-boos, etc) and keep it at that for a while until she's more ready to stop using it.

[GoBecGo]

I'm 30.  I had to take my thumb out to type this.  I never needed braces, i have "the straightest teeth without orthodontic treatment" my dentist has ever seen.  Honestly if she only ever uses it at bedtime i don't think i'd care, my DD sucks her thumb and has 2 special lovey teddies that she goes to bed with.  I cannot fathom taking them away, BUT since she lost one and i had to do a poster campaign and a reward to get it back she's no longer allowed to take them out of the house except when she overnights with her dad.

[VisionaryMom]

My sister had hers until halfway through kindergarten. Her ped advised my mom to stop focusing on it, and she'd give it up on her own, which she did. There was no fanfare; she just stopped using it one day. It is a comforting device, and I'm sure your dd will grow out of it when the time is right for her.

[kdescalzi]

My son turned 4 today!! Yah! He is still addicted to his soother. I get a lot of flack from my mom and some of my friends but how can I possibly take something away that he loves so much?? I struggle with this, knowing he should be "over" his soo soo by now but I cannot bring myself to take it away from him. I decided to limit it to bedtime only. He is not allowed his soo soo until bathtime. He asks for it all the time during the day but I have to be consistent. Hopefully, he will need it less and less....who knows. I just wanted you to know you and your child are not alone. I can understand that taking away something so special from your lo is not easy. I hope my ds will slowly outgrow his need for it and I hope to follow his lead. GL!

[Spring Lily]

Oh it is so nice to see many supportive post like this!  And to see that I'm not alone, that is so good to hear.  Thank you for that.

I don't know why I've bought into the whole idea of "she should be doing xyz at this age."  That's not how I parent in any other area, so why am I focused on it with this?  Why do I allow parenting shame to creep in?  All along I've been comparing it to BFing, thinking that if she were nursing then I'd just be using a CLW approach.  I have told myself until now that I'm just using CLW with her pacifier.  But I let those doubts creep in, those "she should" judgements from other people."  My instinct is to allow her to use this because it's playing an important role in her life.  So why go against my instinct because some people don't like it?

Maybe I just needed some validation that IT IS OK for her to keep doing this, if this is what she needs.  I read some of the responses here this afternoon and felt my guilt shift a bit...enough that at afternoon quiet time I actually let her have the binky for a little while as she sat in bed and read some books.  She was so happy and content, and gave it up afterward with no tears.  First time in many days we haven't had tears about it, so I know my attitude shift already affected her.

The more of a war I make out of this, the more I fear I am damaging her trust and her feelings of security and independence.  I do think she will know herself when she is ready.