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Bitter Sushi Ladies, December Edition

post #1 of 459
Thread Starter 

Welcome to the December thread!

 

This is a thread for those who have been TTC for a long time, whether 6 months, 12 months, or more. At this point many of us are at or past 1 or 2 years, many have had losses, many are dealing with various forms of infertility, and some are just in a waiting period until they can TTC again.

The name? Well, all things considered we tend to be a little bitter sometimes. So read with care. And due to everything, our emotions run a little raw like sushi. Too many cycles of BFN and CD1 sushi & sake to console ourselves. This TTC business is something that seems to "just happen" for so many...but we just can't seem to get it right. So this is where we can be together, share and express anything.

 

Current Bitter Sushi Ladies

 

abstract 33, and DH (36), TTC (his #2, my #1) off-and-on since November 2006

~AA~ - Trying with DH since Feb 2008, on Clomid

borobaby - TTC #2 for 7 months

collieflower - TTC #2 for a year, with 2 m/c (and another before DC#1)

enigo - Has one beautiful son, trying to conceive after three losses

inwaiting - TTC #1 for 14 months, with one ectopic.

indianagirl - 36, TTC for a little over two years onto IUI and clomid

jane - 4 losses since December 2008.  Now working with an RE BFPChart2.gif

jenger - Mama to DD (4/07) TTC #2 since August 2009. BFPChart2.gif

jennabella - TTC #2 since July 2009, with a loss in February 2010 and a loss in July 2010

justhinkn - TTC #2 since summer 2009, just starting IF testing with DH

keria - TTC #1 since October 2008.

kinza - TTC #1 since November 2008, DH with lowish count and Type 1 Diabetes BFPChart2.gif

Kyamo - TTC#1 since Jan 2010 (with PCOS) BFPChart2.gif

laggie - TTC #1 since Fall 2009 with male factor issues lapis - TTC #1 since August 2008. Living in a new country with a calmer lifestyle and trying not to get sucked into the TTC vacuum

lavatea - Has two lovely children, 6 and 3. Lost #3 at 18 weeks last November. Lost #4 pretty much right away, 4w6d in March. Lost #5 at 6w3d this past June. BFPChart2.gif

littlest birds - TTC for 16+ months after VR BFPChart2.gif

luminesce - TTC #2 since 4/2010 after 3 years of unexplained infertility with #1

mahnamahna - Mama to 1 amazing son, TTC #2 for one year, natural parenting blogger

millefleur - 34, happily unmarried to my beloved DP since 2005. Started TTC our first in Summer 2008. Nine week miscarriage December 2008. TTC again since June 2009 without interventions

miriam bat avraham - TTC #1 for 24+ months, PCOS, normal SA, irregular cycles, currently on first cycle of Clomid & Ovidrel and IUI. BFPChart2.gif

monkeyscience - 26, TTC #1 w/ PCOS since 6/2010, anovulatory the whole time. Waiting on SA results for dh, and for an RE appointment sometime next year. 

musicoholic - TTC the sibling her DS has been asking Santa for since he was 3 (and terrified at the same time, after 4 unexplained losses) BFPChart2.gif

mrs.nap515 - TTC #1 with DH. Hormone deficiencies and hypothalmic amenorrhea.

rcr - TTC since summer 2009, and NTNP since summer 2008 with male factor and one loss in August 2010. 36 YO BFPChart2.gif

scarletjane - Started trying Jan. 2009. Got pregnant, but lost our beautiful daughter (cause unknown) at 41 weeks in Jan 2010. Trying again since April 2010. BFPChart2.gif

silverbird ttc #1 since June 2010, after a two year delay for illness.  Waiting for IVF. 

simplyrochelle - TTC #1 on and off since 5/2007, m/c at 12 weeks 9/08.

slylives - TTC #2 since January 2009. 1 ectopic, 2 early miscarriages, 3 unsuccessful rounds on Clomid and now on my first IVF cycle

sweet.bee - TTC #2 with late ovulation and an overworked husband BFPChart2.gif

sweetest77 - 38 y/o, TTC #3 since May 09, after VR

tara2 - TTC #4 (#2 for DH) since October 2009, DH with low count

taxlady - 34 and gluten-free with Crohn's, married to high school teacher DH (35), TTC #1 since 8/09 and mother to two furry cats.

tear78 - 31 year old elementary school teacher. Married to hubby since 2006. Love camping, fishing, reading, and working in the yard at our beautiful new tiny little home. TTC #1 since May 2008, m/c 12/08 and 2/09. Seeking medical help and trying to remember when hope was strong and healthy.

 

TTC3Years - TTC #1 for since December of ‘06

 

 

In our thoughts, on hold, and/or waiting~ 

 

belovedk - Mama of 2 (15yo DS, 10yo DD). Wife to one incredible man. Residing in Central VA. TTC someone new since November 2008, m/c 7/09. An avid bellydancer and firedancer, who works part time doing hair, and who is giving her loving energy nowadays more toward her DH than TTC

kparker - TTC #1 since 9/08 with male factor, now waiting to start in January with donor sperm.

mi_dawn - lost baby William (born still 4/09) and two m/c in 09.

milk8shake - 26, TTC #1 since 4/09. Battling endo, uterine abnormality and recurrent pregnancy loss. Awaiting results before taking the next step, whatever that may be...

 

BSL BFPs!!! stick little babies, stick, stick, stick...

 

Tear78

Maurine - due 8/2/2011

CLH_X3 - due 7/13/11

kalamos23

xtara2003x - due 5/5/10

jenniferadurham - Due 4/2011

nanette56 - Due 4/2011 with twins!

babygrey - Due 4/2011

grapesbunch

finnegansmom - Due 2/11

barefootgirl - Due 12/10

jessica_s - Due 1/2011

qbear'smama - Due 12/2010

yummyyumyummama - Due 11/22/2010

rachwms - Due 11/10

 

BSL BABIES

 

kellyttc#1 - Hilary & Charlotte are here! 11/11/10

lyndzies - Cadence James is here 10/15/10!

Carlyle - Maggie is here 10/9/10!

aidanraynesmom - Sloan Phoenix is here 9/10!

MaerynPearl - Maeryn Jean is here 9/27/10!

 

Link to our graduates thread (this is the October/November thread for now)!

 

Please let the threadkeeper know if your info needs to be updated.

 

New ladies are always welcome, but please join with care.


Edited by Jane - 12/23/10 at 5:27pm
post #2 of 459

MBA.... I worked at a daycare with 1-1.5 year olds until a couple of weeks before dd was conceived. I loved that job, as we had just got married and I was really looking forward to holding a baby of our own.... And found it rought at times for the very same reason. However, we were not infertile, then, so it was different. It must be so difficult... hug.gif

 

I am trying to figure out whether to do any further testing or not. What exactly, anyway, I don't know, since we won't be "doing" anything other than "natural" stuff. In our case I am starting to feel that it might even be better not to know the why of it all. (This is a new thought... I have so wanted to know.) The thing is that our adopting is so not likely that I do feel like we need to keep TTC, to some extent. I have stopped temping, though... also stopped some of the supplements. 

 

How the heck do I decide if it is right to even consider int'l adoption? Things are getting more international here, but it is still homogenous enough that it is not easy to look different. (When I was in elementary school 25 years ago, there was one person there with a different skin color. Then again, she ended up becoming a really succesful and nice person, so maybe it was not all bad for her. At least she developed some amazing strength.. But still...)

post #3 of 459

Jane - thanks for the new thread. Sorry for not fixing it up before you took it over. I meant to yesterday afternoon, but I had a bunch of stuff at work to do and did not get around to it. Sorry.

 

LessTB - I struggle with the international adoption issue myself. My roommate from college, whom I am only facebook friends with now but was really really close to for many years, was adopted by a US family. She is Korean. She has struggled with issues over being adopted a lot. I guess it does not help that she was adopted by a family in the country, and she was the only Asian child in the town, probably the only minority. they also did nothing to help teach her about her culture. I think that she has found some peace now that she is older. She eventually changed her name to a Korean name, and goes back to Korea every chance she gets. I think she feels stuck between two cultures and feels like she does not fit in anywhere. Because I know her and all of her struggles, I really think twice about international adoption. When people tell her the argument "you would have just lived in a children's home if they didn't adopt you" She thinks that wealthy countries that adopt children internationally should just spend the money supporting the birth mother. There is actually a big anti-international movement led by adoptees. It makes me struggle with questions about if I am being selfish by taking a child away from their culture. On the other hand, there are a lot of good adoption stories, so I don't know...

 

Anyway, I am going to consider myself 3 dpo right now. Not that I have any proof of actually Oing.

 

MBA - hope you are getting over your sadness :hug

post #4 of 459

Thanks for the new thread, Jane.

 

I've been lurking and reading faithfully every day, just not quite up to posting.  I'm thinking of everyone, especially collieflower right now.  How are you feeling, hon?  And LessTravelledBy as she considers adoption.  We haven't talked much about that yet, but I don't believe we will qualify for international or domestic private adoptions because of serious health problems.  I'm not sure, but we might be accepted in a foster-to-adopt type of thing.  I agree with the others, though, who have said to put the word out.  I know a lot of open adoption type situations that have come about that way.

 

AFM, 5 DPO.  Two weeks from today I have my first RE appointment.  I've been checking my blood sugar every morning, and the numbers are kind of high, so I'll let him know about that.  Other than that, not really much I can do to get ready for the appointment.  Blah.

post #5 of 459

...


Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 11/13/13 at 7:08pm
post #6 of 459

Hello BSL-

 

Thanks, Jane, for the new thread. 

 

I am so bummed out.  It's 14dpo (I have seen 14dpo once before, not counting when I was pregnant over 4 years ago) and I did test, bfn, of course.  I thought I had it all worked out - I have my thyroid treated, I took clomid to make super-eggs... Why the hell didn't I get pregnant?  I am so flippin' sad about it.

 

Like Kinza, I have been checking in with you all, but not really posting. 

 

Like Miriam, my DH wants like to be less about TTC, but I don't know how to do it.

 

My plan: I am not sure what to do on this upcoming 17th cycle of ttc, if I should take clomid, or what... BUT I have acupuncture scheduled, I have a naturapth appointment next Monday, and a RE visit (my second) on the 20th.  We are ready to get some of the tests - but are not sure which ones makes sense - HSG or Clomid challenge - when I think my tubes are open and my eggs are fine, and will struggle to pay the $1000 out of pocket to do any one of those things...

 

LTB - A good friend just adopted from Ethiopia - she says she believes in international adoption more than ever.  It's tricky, however... 

 

I'd love to adopt, but I talked with DH about it, and he doesn't want to...

post #7 of 459

We saw the fertility doctor yesterday and it didn't go very well. He opened our file, said "I recommend you do IVF with ICSI, any questions?" and then blew off all our questions. DP was furious when we left, and he's not the type to get angry, ever.

 

I am feeling very discouraged.

post #8 of 459


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham View Post

Thanks for all the support, everyone :) And thanks for the new thread, Jane!

 

I am CD... 8? I don't even know. Yeah, I think it's CD 8.

 

I am a big ball of mushy anger and frustration lately, so I apologize for that. I'm just hitting a place at work where I feel very stuck and resentful and unappreciated. I think my time there is limited, for my own sanity. We'll see how I feel after holiday break and a week-long vacation after that in early January, I guess. Last night I was nearly having a panic attack until about 2am (DH managed to talk me down) about a meeting we're having TOMORROW. The same meeting we have every Thursday, but I have to bring up a hard topic with the consultant we meet with and I'm not 100% confident my co-teachers are on-board with it, so I'm worried I'm sticking my neck out and won't get any support. I'm not worried about getting fired (which I wouldn't, for this); I'm worried about a potential increase in awkwardness and discomfort.

 

I've been feeling like I have a ball of anger and sadness and bitter tears sitting in my throat and I'm constantly choking on it. It leads to me being someone I'm not at work-- easily frustrated with the kids, less sensitive when they're upset, all things I am vehemently against. A 2-year-old who cries all day because they didn't sleep well the night before and they feel like everything is going wrong deserves hugs, not sighs, dismissiveness and distractedness. I just feel like I have nothing left to give, and I feel very, very guilty about that.

 

I need my health insurance, though. That's the big reason to stay. Otherwise I'd probably cut my losses and look for a short-term, part-time nannying gig. DH is in school and currently unemployed, so even though we do okay financially, long-term that's not really feasible for us. Another source of stress.

 

DH and I had a long talk about whether this level of stress for me could be a big factor in us not getting pregnant. He asked, "Would you quit your job tomorrow if you knew for a fact that the release of all that stress would guarantee you getting pregnant this cycle?" and honestly, I couldn't say yes. I can't even wrap my head around getting pregnant right now... it seems so distant and surreal and unlikely that it's like me trying to picture myself winning an Emmy this cycle. And I couldn't abandon my co-teachers with no notice like that; they're in the same boat as I am.

 

DH thinks I shouldn't weigh TTC so heavily in our life right now, but I tried to explain to him that EVERYTHING is based around TTC and there's nothing I can do about it. What will I be doing in April? In February? It's a giant black hole. I have no idea. Will we be telling family we're pregnant? Will we be shopping for tiny things? Will we be sitting in our doctor's office talking about IVF? Will I still be at the gym, trying to lose weight? Will I have to take a break from the gym for a while? Will I be pregnant, and if so HOW pregnant, when we travel to Philadelphia for a friends' wedding in April? Everything is so up in the air.

 

I need a new perspective. I can't stay down like this for long. It's so not my style. I think I just need to get my head wrapped around some of this.

 

Sorry for venting so much... I know you all will understand how this feels :grouphug



yeahthat.gif I'm right there with you. Even today, when I'm feeling good, there's probably not more than a 10 minute stretch where something TTC doesn't pop into my head. Sorry you're having it so rough right now.



 

LTB - What exactly do you mean by international adoption? I think you're in Europe somewhere. Do you mean international as in your DH's home country? Or do you mean somewhere "exotic" like Asia or Africa? I struggle with getting behind international adoption (and by that I mean adopting anywhere other than our home country). I realize that most babies in poorer countries are worse off than any potential US adoptee, but I still feel like we should be supporting kids in our own area first. I do love the idea of sending money oversees to help support birth mothers in other countries. Never heard of that before.

 

AFM - FF says I O'ed 2 days ago (the day I had that spike), but I respectfully disagree. My normal post-O temps are in the high 97s to mid 98s. My temps the last two days, while higher than my dip 3 days ago of 96.5, are in my normal pre-O range of low 97s. I'm going to wait a day or two and see if my temp doesn't go to my normal post-O range. Then if FF doesn't move it on its own, I'll have to do it. My cervix is still favorable (as of last night) and today is my normal O day, so I think the low temps b/c of soy have just really thrown FF for a loop. I hope my O isn't delayed. Here's my chart. I only have two cycles on there, so you guys can't really see the full picture (I have about a year's worth of paper charts). Last month was an early O month, and this month's temps have been much lower than normal. Lol. Maybe you shouldn't even look.

post #9 of 459
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

We saw the fertility doctor yesterday and it didn't go very well. He opened our file, said "I recommend you do IVF with ICSI, any questions?" and then blew off all our questions. DP was furious when we left, and he's not the type to get angry, ever.

 

I am feeling very discouraged.



I'd switch REs. I hate getting the brush off, and I hate doctors that don't even discuss more than one option. So sorry. hug2.gif

post #10 of 459


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by lavatea View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

We saw the fertility doctor yesterday and it didn't go very well. He opened our file, said "I recommend you do IVF with ICSI, any questions?" and then blew off all our questions. DP was furious when we left, and he's not the type to get angry, ever.

 

I am feeling very discouraged.



I'd switch REs. I hate getting the brush off, and I hate doctors that don't even discuss more than one option. So sorry. hug2.gif

 

Exactly!  Make an appointment with someone else!  Even if that is the only option, you both need to feel you have came to it with an RE's guidance, not blindly following what some rich insensitive ******* says. 
 

post #11 of 459

Reading every word and thinking of you all!

 

Weird... It is not letting me write under the quote.

 

I did mean int'l adoption the way you over there would talk. :) so, yes, Africa is mainly what I am talking about. I would actually love to adopt from the Philippines and it seems like we might be a pretty good match for them. However, my husband is not comfortable with that particular country, for some reason. (I don't really get his reasons but it is enough for me that he feels he has reasons.) However, my first choice would be what you would call domestic adoption. To us that would be domestic only in the sense that dh is a USA citizen, though we might end up moving back there later on, who knows. I did find out that it would be legal for us to do that. Just not easy, as we are thousands of miles away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lavatea View Post

 

LTB - What exactly do you mean by international adoption? I think you're in Europe somewhere. Do you mean international as in your DH's home country? Or do you mean somewhere "exotic" like Asia or Africa? I struggle with getting behind international adoption (and by that I mean adopting anywhere other than our home country).

post #12 of 459
Thread Starter 

OT, but who has a baby stuff?  What do you have?  Do you let yourself buy with abandon, or reign yourself in?

post #13 of 459

...


Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 11/13/13 at 7:06pm
post #14 of 459


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane View Post

OT, but who has a baby stuff?  What do you have?  Do you let yourself buy with abandon, or reign yourself in?



 

I do, but it's just because I've obsessively saved stuff from my other kids. I have bought a few baby outfits on clearance, but I bought them with the intention of giving them away as baby shower presents (unless I have a baby that will fill them first, ha ha).
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham View Post

 

Lavatea-- I've had ovulation look like your chart before. I think the temp drop and then huge spike back-to-back are pretty convincing... but I imagine in the next few days it'll sort itself out.


Shhh! You're supposed to agree with me! 2whistle.gif

 

ETA - I just input more of today's info and now FF changed my lines to dotted lines. Eh, I need to quit obsessing.


Edited by lavatea - 12/1/10 at 6:33pm
post #15 of 459

jenger - I'm so sorry about the BFN :(  

 

Jane - Thanks for the new thread.  I have very little baby stuff.  I made a couple of stretchy wraps when I got some fabric on sale, and a relative passed on a used bucket seat.  I should get rid of the seat, I'm pretty sure it will be expired before we actually have a baby to put in it.  I don't buy baby stuff because I don't want it taking up space to store it for long periods of time, and because its too sad to shop for, and to have to look at it in the house.  

post #16 of 459

I'm literally completely ready for a baby as far as stuff is concerned. greensad.gif I had our bedroom all set up and a dresser filled with washed clothes and diapers, all ready to go. I had to pack it all up into boxes and now it sits there, all packed up, just waiting. so heartbreaking to think about. I remember in the last week i was pregnant, i even made up some wipes solution.  I couldn't believe it when I had to pour it down the drain. The only thing I actually used was a pump a friend had given me. I really was glad to have it because i became engorged and doing it by hand was just not working at all. ugh, all of that is so surreal to think about. i'm so sorry. that was supposed to be a lighthearted, fun topic and i just rained all over it. Sorry, Jane.

post #17 of 459
Thread Starter 

ScarletJane - it wasn't ever lighthearted, exactly.  I mean, collecting clothing for a baby that isn't anywhere on the horizon, although desperately wanted is still sad.  Packing away the items intended for a baby that was expected within weeks is even sadder, but it's all why we are bitter.  I should have thought my subject through better in light of your situation. 

post #18 of 459

I do have things for a baby, but fewer and fewer. I have bought some cloth diapers just because I happened to see them and they were used and super cheap.

 

First I had kept almost everything from dd but later went through her stuff every year or two and got rid of things. She is now down to the things I plan to keep for her to show her. This includes only things like the outfit I had worn as a baby that she also wore and the hat she wore after baptism. Styles and tastes change and it is so easy to buy clothes cheaply if ever needed. I still have a wrap and sling and my Ergo, though. Partly, because they are expensive to buy new and because I can use them while babysitting, etc. I don't plan to get anything unless there is a real baby about to come. Little ones need very little anyway, other than diapers. Our dd never spit up, so I seriously could have got just 5 outfits and diapers for her and that is it. Instead, she had tons, due to two first time grandmas.

 

I was reading more about the ethics of int'l adoption last night and happened to see a documentary about it a couple of nights ago. (Moms looking for their kids whom they thought they had left, basically, in what we would call daycare. Instead, the kids had been sent to France or the US. The moms who didn't know how to read had signed "some papers.") Feels like I cannot just close my eyes and hope that our child really is an orphan or something... except for the Philippines, which is supposed to have an excellent program, if for some reason my husband came around. Many couples here would like to adopt from there and many lie in the application, and get others to lie for them. (Minister is supposed to write that the people who have been parish members on paper only, have been really active, practising members.) You are supposed to show proof that you have been a practicing Christian for 6 years. It really gets to me when people lie.... I mean it is supposed to be about the child, not about the grown-ups wanting a child. If the birth mom wants Christian parents (or muslim or pagan or whatever religion) it kills me to think she does not know her wishes are not being respected because of deliberate lies by the adoptive parents. angry.gif  I was told a week ago that we could adopt from Morocco... if we were Muslim or willing to convert. Ummm.. No thank you. You are obviously not looking for me, and that is fine. I like it when the countries tell you exactly whom they want.

post #19 of 459
The only thing I have for a baby is a little hat that DH and I got in Amsterdam, It was from this funky little shop where the woman knitted these beautiful hats, blankets and toys. It symbolized our decision to TTC at the time and I still have it tucked away, hidden. I would never give it away, even if we never have a baby.

I had more Xrays yesterday morning. I had to go to the ER at 4 am after being up all night with breathing problems due to a nasty case of bronchitis. I had tons of Xrays after the car accident, and the other day I was at the dentist and they had to Xray my mouth. Can that hurt me?

Well, they gave me a pregnancy test, and it came back BFN, but I wouldn't get a BFP anyways at this oint. I just feel like I am abusing my body with so much radiation greensad.gif
post #20 of 459

May I rant for a moment, please?

 

It is CD-frickin'-26, and I still have not ovulated. Yep, 26. That's 2 days short of the "average" full cycle and still no egg! It's downright depressing. I had a + OPK 3 days ago and no temp jump yet. That can't be normal, right? My OPK pattern is usually 1 or 2 days of + with a temp shift 2 days after the last +. Is it even possible to O 3 days after a +? I thought I felt some ovary twinges (for like the 519th time this cycle) this morning, and my cervix is harder now.

 

I just don't know. I'm confused and frustrated and sad. And I think my body hates me.

 

Thanks for listening.

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