Bitter Sushi Ladies, December Edition - Page 18

[LessTraveledBy]

WTH? Does this doctor really have  majority of patients who are happy not to be pregnant? Weird comment.

Anyway, I am so very sorry! It is not foolish to hope you are pregnant, ever.... I do know the "getting my hopes up thing" though. I know it too well. I can have my hopes up even while truly not believing I could be pregnant. I have that darned intuition that has said for years I will not get pregnant. And, normally, my intuitions have been right.

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

I am not surprised, but I thought the DR knew I *wanted* to be BFP, because when he told me it was negative, he said very quickly "It's negative, so that's good news" and then went on to tell me that my iron levels have gone up.

[enigo]

Oh Beloved...I am so sorry, I hate when..in a cycle you get a BFN, and then have renewed hope for some reason. It's like getting two BFN's in one cycle! Hugs!

Well, looks like I may O a little earlier this month. I've been Oing around cd 17 ish since I started acupuncture. Now this morning at 14 dpo I did an OPK and it is nearly positive. Of course I am thrilled, but I mean BDing at the proper time doesn't seem to be doing me any good anyway. Also. It will be difficult with all the Christmas festivities in the way. Plus DH keeps getting my sperm drunk. I'm over here pumping myself with vitamins and he's having a great time enjoying out by the fire with his friends. Gah!

Oh if you notice this is the time in my cycle where I get that lousy hope feeling again.

[Sweet.Bee]

Sorry, Beloved. And doctors can be so thick-headed, too.

music, I like a number of books. Fantasy is fun. I've read a lot of "serious" fiction (haha) for my studies back when I was at the university. Some of it was good, but in general I prefer something light. Most importantly, I like interesting characters and imaginative, engaging plots. I could do without all the heavy-handed philosophical self-reflection stuff that is heralded as the pinnacle of modern literature.  I'm also a writer, though I'm kind of shy about sharing my work.  I can be kind of sensitive. I am finally going to let my husband read some of it over xmas. He'd better be nice! 

Welcome, monkey! I'm not exactly like you b/c I do ovulate eventually, but I have long cycles and am pretty annoyed about them. I'm also worried about the quality of an egg that takes so long to come out.

And thanks, everyone, for encouraging me to fib a little to the doctors.  I'm not sure if I will, but I'm thinking about it in order to get help for my long cycles.

Oh, and regarding boobs, I have average-sized ones (I think?), but they are weird in how much they vary depending on where I am in my cycle. I have a pre-O bra and an around-O/post-O one that's bigger.

[miriam_bat_avraham]

...
Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 5/6/13 at 9:37pm

[collieflower]

Julie - Dye your hair while you can, baby! You'll be pregnant in 2011 and no longer able to do it (well, I guess that depends on your opinion about it; I've been thinking of dying during the next pregnancy (after the first tri, of course)).

SB - The bra thing is funny! That could get expensive though.

Enigo - Yay for 'early' O!  I'm a late ovulator too, so I love those 14-17 day O months (not that they come very often).

Just working away, wondering when they'll send us home. I can't believe I work somewhere where people are frantically working away on Christmas Eve!!!!

[Jane]

((Beloved))

I'm 9 dpo and insomniac and nauseated. And nervous. And anxious.

[miriam_bat_avraham]

...

Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 5/6/13 at 9:36pm

[scarletjane]

I've been reading along and rooting for all of you, but have just felt too bitter and sad to post much lately.  I'm feeling worn down by all of this. Most months, I am able to pick myself right back up and have a good attitude and maintain some sense of optimism.  But it's getting harder and harder. 

I'm weepy all the time. It's been really hard to be social, which perpetuates the sadness because them i become reclusive.  my husband is feeling the same, which means we are both just moping around each other, trying to function in the world as if we are not totally broken.  it feels like there's nothing to be happy about, even though I of course don't truly feel that way deep down.  This is enough to really make a person lose her mind. 

I feel like I grieve my daughter every single month that I am not pregnant.  I wish I could separate the two- the death of my baby and the inability to get pregnant again, but they are so intertwined that it is as if the grieving for her is getting harder and harder to manage.  For a while there, it had been getting.. maybe not easier, but at least less incapacitating, and now it feels like it's edging back towards that gut-wrenching grief i felt in the beginning.  I just want to enjoy things again. I want to feel excited about life, like there's something to be happy about each day.  This probably all sounds so terribly dramatic and tomorrow I will likely re-read this and find it difficult to remember how dark it felt today, but it does right now.. it just feels so so dark.  and so painfully empty.

[collieflower]

Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham 

Please, no dying during pregnancy! Now, dyEing, I can get behind... ;) Okay, that's really morbid of me. Apologies, everyone. heh. I'm a little pre-Christmas CRAZY today!

 

Okay, so I'm debating... do I call my mother ahead of time (before DH and I go over tonight and for tomorrow) and tell her that I'm still not pregnant? I ask because she told me "I KNOW you'll be pregnant by the end of the year," and she's been having "baby announcement" dreams, and Christmas is a Big Deal in my family so if ever there was a perfect day for me to surprise everyone with awesome news, it would be tonight/tomorrow. And I have no big news to announce, and I will be super sensitive to everyone quietly watching me even thought it would only be her and no one else, probably. So telling her would let her not be disappointed when nothing happens, and it would allow me to not be on edge wondering if she's waiting for something to happen. BUT I'm an avoider when I get stressed out by things, and it feels so much better to just Not Deal With It and not do anything. So I don't know. Thoughts?

Hahaha! Thank you SO much for correcting my spelling. I am always bragging to DH about what a kick-ass speller I am, but apparently my ego is over-inflated!

I'd phone your Mum ahead of time, but I'm not an avoider, so I may not be the best source of advice. Totally different personality type.
 

Jane -  I am an incredibly anxious person (like ball-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach-all-the-time nervous), so I can empathize.  For me, magnesium supplements really help. As does the combo of acupuncture (weekly) and Chinese herbs (daily).  And for sleep, of course there's always gravol ;) Or melatonin.
 

Originally Posted by scarletjane 

I've been reading along and rooting for all of you, but have just felt too bitter and sad to post much lately.  I'm feeling worn down by all of this. Most months, I am able to pick myself right back up and have a good attitude and maintain some sense of optimism.  But it's getting harder and harder. 

I'm weepy all the time. It's been really hard to be social, which perpetuates the sadness because them i become reclusive.  my husband is feeling the same, which means we are both just moping around each other, trying to function in the world as if we are not totally broken.  it feels like there's nothing to be happy about, even though I of course don't truly feel that way deep down.  This is enough to really make a person lose her mind. 

I feel like I grieve my daughter every single month that I am not pregnant.  I wish I could separate the two- the death of my baby and the inability to get pregnant again, but they are so intertwined that it is as if the grieving for her is getting harder and harder to manage.  For a while there, it had been getting.. maybe not easier, but at least less incapacitating, and now it feels like it's edging back towards that gut-wrenching grief i felt in the beginning.  I just want to enjoy things again. I want to feel excited about life, like there's something to be happy about each day.  This probably all sounds so terribly dramatic and tomorrow I will likely re-read this and find it difficult to remember how dark it felt today, but it does right now.. it just feels so so dark.  and so painfully empty.

Ok, you are so not being dramatic. You have been through some really, really hard times. Please don't beat yourself up about it.  I feel this way a LOT of the time, and I haven't been through what you have.  I have really isolated myself over the past two years. It's so hard to reach out when you feel like shit.  Do you have a counsellor you can talk to about it? I had a major breakdown this summer (like really, really bad depression and anxiety) and fortunately I had an excellent counsellor who managed to talk me down from the edge. (((HUGS)))

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! I'll be thinking about you all over the next few days. We're heading to a chalet to do some skiing and snowshoeing, so I'll miss your company!
 

Edited by collieflower - 12/24/10 at 7:13pm

[LessTraveledBy]

Hi,

Just wanted to see how we all are on Christmas eve. (I assume I can call it that, although I don't expect everyone to celebrate it.)

I have the flu. First dh had it, then dd and now I. Actually, we have all had it for quite some time, as it seems to linger before it really hits and I was the sickest yesterday and now. Ugh. It is probably related to that that my back really hurts, like the muscles are way too tight in one spot or something.

I just realized that this is a pattern with me by now: I no longer want to concieve, I want to adopt. However, since we are not able to adopt, we TTC and I hope in the TWW. After the TWW is over, once again, I am back to researching adoption and hoping there is some website out there which I have not seen before. You know, like the one that says "You are a great mama and have suffored enough, so we will give you the money you need. We will also make sure the process is not painfully long." (Anyone seen that fairy godmother around? Hah!)

Rationally, I would like to adopt an infant from the USA. YET, a specific country or two in Africa keep drawing me towards everything having to do with them. I think it would be much harder with a toddler or child who has spent the first months or years in an orphanage. And yet, that is where I feel drawn... I cannot not listen, as the best things in my life have come from these types of internal pullings. They have often been hard decisions, requiring some crazy daring, and then have ended up shaping the rest of my life. I don't want to make a dark skinned child grow up in this whiiiite country. And yet, I don't even know where we will be later on. I also have to think that this country, with great healthcare and free education, has to be better than living in an orphanage with little hope. I don't know... the ethical acpects are way over my head at this point.

Yesterday I found out that we might be able to get the adoption tax credit ($13,500) in one year, even if we pay very little in taxes. (We are out of the country right now, but dh is hoping to work there again within some years.) I was so ecstatic, until later I read that this only applies to 2011. There is no way we are able to adopt in 2011. We would need the refundable tax credit, not the regular one, as dh will be returning back to school in Europe, and thus will not work there for the five years or whatever, getting a bit of the tax credit each year.

So, basically with my crushed hopes, I went to Mass tonight. I had such a hard time not crying. Well, I guess I shoud say I cried throughout Mass, more or less. (Luckily, I am sick, so I could blow my nose a lot.. lol. I don't want to make others sad.) I had googled some things about an African adoption earlier in the day. One of our dear, sweet nuns is from Africa (I realize it is a huge continent, just don't want to mention the country). I kept seeing her beautiful face and thinking of all those children, some of whom look so much like her. (Good thing she did not know she made me cry... ha ha.) These ladies have taken us so much under their wings and pray for us every day. This is, partly, why I am just so emotional there: I feel so understood and listened to.

Now the ladies in the foster and adoption forum are saing that we do know already what the adoption tax credit will be for 2012. The tax language is just way beyond me, so I will not make myself go through the rollercoaster of googling it while I am sick and tired (in both meanings of the frase).

I hope today is gentle on all of you and that there will be no gifts like the ones some of you have mentioned earlier... We got some money as a gift from a relative and all I can think of is "adoption fund." What is wrong with me.... Well, I suppose we all know the answer to that. It is that longing that refuses to go away.

[Jane]

((ScarletJane))
((LessTrav))

Miriam - if you don't feel like tackling it head on, a big double vodka tonic early in the AM can do the talking for you.

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by collieflower 

Ok, you are so not being dramatic. You have been through some really, really hard times. Please don't beat yourself up about it.  I feel this way a LOT of the time, and I haven't been through what you have.  I have really isolated myself over the past two years. It's so hard to reach out when you feel like shit.  Do you have a counsellor you can talk to about it? I had a major breakdown this summer (like really, really bad depression and anxiety) and she managed to talk me down from the edge. (((HUGS)))

Yes, Scarletjane. Please try not to beat yourself over this. What you are feeling and thinking sounds totally normal and natural. Are there any support groups in your area? I think you could really use some friends you can relate to. I have not been through what you have. We have one child, can't get pregnant after years of trying and have really fertile friends. (How is it possible to not know any other people struggling with infertility in our group of friends?) So.. while I should be a pro at dealing by now, after all these years, this past year is the first one that really has shown that we don't know what the issue is. (Before I blamed it on hypothyroidism and thought maybe I would get pregnant when that was treated.) Sooo... to get back to what you said, I have now made the decision not to get together with certain families unti I "feel like it." They can survive without me and I need to be able to be calm.... not go for a visit (multiple kids younger than our dd) during which I have all kinds of internal thoughts... and then come home and rant and cry. So... I am on a "vacation" for now. Sometimes that, or finding new friends, may be the thing to do. The only problem I see is that many people probably love you very much and grieve for you and with you, and just don't know what to do or say. (And what could they so or say, I don't know.)

I feel like I am carrying a load of bricks today, the grieve and jealousy seem so strong. Maybe it gets a bit easier when the people around me stop having kids... but it may be another 10 years before that happens. Or more, as I have some rather young friends. Will I still fall apart at 45 or 50 when someone announces a pregnancy? Actually, will it maybe feel worse than now? I am really asking. If anyone knows how it usually goes, please let me know. (I am actually afraid at the moment of one of my friends announcing a pregnancy any day now. She is a wonderful mama, but it still hurts so much. Less though, than when the not so great mamas announce. With the great ones I just want to cry. With the not so great ones, I want to say something not very nice. "Hey, awesome... another kid you can CIO and boss around.")

I truly feel like there will never be another (at least biological) baby joining our family. The thought of never nursing and carrying another infant hurts so much that I have to cry and scream. I feel like I was made for that. I am so sorry if I am making others feel worse. It has been another rough day for me. There have been lots of those, lately.

I wish you all peace today!

MBA: When dd was less than a year old, someone close to me congratulated me twice for being pregnant. (Yeap, first wrong guess did not teach this person.... hah.) Must have been around the time I had started to gain weight due to hypo, so I was fatter than before, not pregnant. I said to this person: "Trust me, you will be among the first people I will tell. You don't need to guess." Guessing stopped, which is a good thing. I would encourage you to find a way to tell your mom, whether before or while there, that you are not pregnant and that making guesses or promises is far from helpful. While I don't know your mom, somehow I would be more afraid of stupid comment from other relatives, who probably know less of your situation.

These days I would cry if someone congratulated me. I am too thick in the middle these days, so I do notice people looking at me and thinking I might be pregnant. My one promise, which I am totally unable to keep, it seems, is that at least I will lose weight, so people will see with one look that I am indeed still not pregnant.  At least, if I cannot have more babies, I should be able to look better than the moms who keep having them. So not true... Unfair... hah!

[BelovedK]

Oh enigo, enjoy the hope. I have hope for you. Hope is funny, it seems to always crop up again... welcomed, or unwelcome, to torment us, and sometimes it even works out in the end. My wish for you is for this to be "it" for you, and you know I mean it

Jane, I understand anxiety, I will second the Magnesium. I take Calm Plus, Mag plus Calcium, and when I think to do it, Kundalini, or Hatha yoga really helps. Why are you nauseous? I can't remember where you are in your cycle, could it be???

Scarletjane, I can't give you a big enough I can't even imagine what you and your DH have gone through. I agree that it is important to watch it so you don't fall into a major depression, I've been there and don't recommend it. Get help if you need it, it's ok, and you may be at the point where you need to accept help. It is only natural to be more depressed around the holidays, and we are in the thick of it (if you celebrate Christmas) so please, be gentle with yourself

MBA, Post hair pictures!!!! and I always did my hair with non ammonia dyes during pregnancy. I just stayed away from fumes and strong dyes)

everyone else (sorry, out of time)

I am expecting my parents in an hour, and have to go finish getting ready, so no more time. We are expecting snow on Sunday and I am hoping we get dumped on. DH got a Suburban for his work and has chains even for the tires, so we are ready, plus we have food, coffee (important) and the kids are home, and DH is home

Still no af, I am mildly worried about it. I am going to the DR on Monday (I am going to call, at least.
Edited by BelovedK - 12/24/10 at 2:30pm

[monkeyscience]

scarletjane - You have every right to be feeling crappy... but I hope you can feel better soon. I wish I had more helpful words, but I just want to totally agree with those who said to be gentle to yourself.

LTB - Follow your heart! Somehow, it will work out.

As for me, I am okay this Christmas Eve. I did just find out a friend is pregnant with her 4th (and has said, for the third time, that this will be her last!). I am happy for her, though. I am also annoyed the RE hasn't gotten back to me yet, so I can plan for sure on an appointment. Anyway, got lots of unexpected Christmas loot from dh family, and had a nice day, so all in all, it's good. :)

[rcr]

Happy Christmas bsl friends.

I have been reading along, not posting because I only have my phone. We have all had the swine flu for a week. The worst week ever. There is nothing worse than a sick man. We missed the o this month because we were too sick. And we didn't even put up a Xmas tree.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by rcr 

Happy Christmas bsl friends.

I have been reading along, not posting because I only have my phone. We have all had the swine flu for a week. The worst week ever. There is nothing worse than a sick man. We missed the o this month because we were too sick. And we didn't even put up a Xmas tree.

Aw I hope you guys are feeling better this morning. There really is nothing worse than a sick man. My DH just wentr through a cold, he was pretty good, but the last mild cold he had, he was "sick as a dog", moaning and needing lots of attention

Still no af for me, a small yeast infection brewing though, I think the antibiotics must have screwed me up. I am hoping I am just skipping this month, and will start a new cycle soon I took probiotics last night and it is a bit better.

We are having a cozy Xmas morning, the kids are happy. One of DS's favorite gifts is this fuzzy throw blanket He loves soft things.

[Kinza]

Beloved--I'm sorry you had such a crappy doctor's visit, and hope AF starts for you soon.

rcr--Feel better, chickie.

scarletjane--I don't know any words of comfort for you; I'm sorry.  I wish I could give you a giant hug.  As others have said, get help if you need it.

monkeyscience--Welcome!

M_b_A--I'm sorry you found out about your BFN right before Christmas.  Did your mom take it ok?

I know I'm missing scores of posts--I'm just a mess, but I'm thinking of all of you.  All about me stuff: We got the results of DH's semen analysis, and his count is low (which we knew), but none of his sperm are normal.  None, zip, nada, nothing.  We hoped for a measly one percent with a normal shape and movement.  Didn't seem too much to ask, but it apparently was.  So, the RE did say there might be some hope.  I don't know where the hope is, but I'm going to make an appointment with a urologist.  The RE seems to think that maybe DH has some retrograde ejaculation going on (or whatever it's called when the sperm go into his bladder instead of into me--I don't even want to google it right now to get the correct term).  I don't know what else there could be that would lead to hope, though.  And I'm sick--sore throat, slight fever earlier today, throwing up.  Bah. 

But!  A Christmas miracle--my grandfather had 1 and 1/2 cancerous lungs removed a couple of years ago, and at his last scan, he had a one-inch growth in the little bit of lung he had left.  We all cried and cried, because there weren't going to be any real treatment options for him this time.  He had a second scan, and the growth had shrunk!  He has another scan in January, just to make sure, but it looks like he's going to be fine.  He said that he had prepared himself to go, but he was so glad he was going to be around longer.  He wants all the baby great-grandchildren to be a little older when he dies, so they can remember him.  He wants to be able to hold my babies, and smell that baby smell, and feel that silky baby skin in his arms, and when they're a little older, tell them the stories he told me and the other grandchildren.  It made me sad, and happy, and proud, and scared all at the same time to hear him say that.  So, I'm a little crazed right now, with sorrow because it's looking less and less likely we'll ever have a child, but also with joy because we get to keep my grandfather a little longer.

[justthinkn]

 I hope it's okay that I post, I've been lurking for a few months b/c ttc was too depressing to think much about. This was cycle17 & finally this morning BFP!! DH and I both started crying, it was so unexpected at this point, just a month or two from starting Clomid. Thrilled, a little freaked that it might not stick.. So grateful. Baby dust to everyone!

[Jane]

Just thinkin - congrats!!!!!

Can I move you and your baby to BFPs??

[justthinkn]

 Absolutely - thanks!/p>