Bitter Sushi Ladies, December Edition - Page 23

[BelovedK]

Happy 2011!!

I wanted to just wish everyone a happy and fertile new year!


My Papa (grandpa) passed away last night and today I have just had an extremely bad day I won't go into details, but some pretty scary things happened today (DD and I were threatened by someone when my car broke down in front of his house, and he had a gun in his pocket ) That is not even all, more bad things going on.

DH suggested that I make a list of good things that have happened lately.

I am not on for long, or else I would reply with personals. I didn't want to miss saying Happy New Year to the BSLs

[rcr]

Beloved- I saw that your grandfather died on fb. Sorry
What a day to lose somebody close. I hope your year improves.
Hugs to you. You have had a rough week. I am sure something wonderful will come your way this year. It has too.

Happy new year to all the bsls.

Afm- dh and I have been arguing non-stop. It started when he was sick a few weeks ago and has not stopped. He went back to work a day early (he works out of town during the week) because I needed a break from him. Ugh. Our marriage often feels really strained between the economy, ttc, my dieing mom, and him being away from home so much. I hope that the new year brings happier times. I think we need counseling.

[lilmom]

Ladies, I would like to join you. I have been lurking for a long time. Some of you know me from the long cycles thread, but I'll go ahead and tell my story for the others. We've been trying for #2 for a year and a half. I'm 35, and I have crazy, long, irregular cycles. I personally believe I have PCOS but have not been diagnosed. My DS is almost 3 and a half, and we conceived him with acupuncture and chinese herbs. That worked fantastically for me, both for straightening out my cycles, helping me ovulate, and I got pregnant after only 4 months of acupuncture! I would absolutely love to do that again, but the problem is that we are currently living in a smaller city so that DH can get his masters, and there are no acupuncturists or herbalists here, and the closest ones are 3 hours away. The closest fertility specialists/clinics/RE's are also 3 hours away. So we have basically been playing a waiting game and trying various herbal medicines, etc until we can move. None of it has done anything for us.

The first 6 months I wasn't charting, but I have charted the past year, and I found that I have only ovulated 5 times in 2010. I had 8 cycles, still on cycle 8, actually, and no O yet on CD 36. So, that is pretty darn discouraging. 5 chances is not alot. We have not been comfortable with any ob.gyns here either, which also makes it hard. They will prescribe me Clomid if I want it, but they don't do monitoring or anything, so I just am a little scared of that.They also don't do testing, and the last one I went to was so ignorant that when I suggested I be tested for PCOS he didn't know what it was!!! I have had these problems with my cycles since I started having periods at almost 14. So, I am pretty sure I have always had trouble ovulating. Especially since I went years and years with no birth control and no pregnancies.

I found out today that yet another friend who got pregnant AFTER I had my DS is pregnant with her 2nd. This makes 4 in the past couple of months. I have just gotten to the point that I can't hear about it without crying. To make this worse, my son desperately wants a sibling. Actually, he wants more than one! He told us he needs a "bruver" and a sister! He loves babies. And he wants a playmate so badly. It hurts and brings us to tears sometimes. One day we were in the car and he said, I guess my toy puppy will have to be my bruver. And it was all I could do not to bawl. He is truly the light of my life and so precious, and I don't mean to minimize anyone else's struggle who is trying for #1. I am so blessed to have him!!! I just want it as much for him as I do for me now.

LTB, I feel like I relate to you so much, because I have always wanted a large family. I truly would take as many as God would give me, yet so far God has given me just one. I have left the size of my family in His hands, something DH and I decided when we got married..and yet we only have one. Maybe it is God's will for us to just have one, but I feel that my true calling in life is to be a mother. It's the only thing I have ever wanted. My whole childhood when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, "A mommy". I always imagined having at least 4 or 5. Now I will feel very lucky if I have 2. It's hard to give up that dream, but realistically, I'm 35, and apparently not very fertile at all. It's funny, it seems like alot of people assume we don't want any more because we have passed up that 2-3 yr age difference now, and I'm getting older. It's also been really hard when I see people who aren't trying/don't want more kids, or who I think are not the greatest of parents get pregnant so easily.

I only have one friend who has really struggled with infertility. She tried for 2 yrs before getting twins by IUI.So, she's the only real life friend I have to talk to about it.I have 2 other friends who know we're trying, but they have quit asking about it, and I've mostly quit talking about it. I have never wanted to do medical interventions, but we are definitely thinking about it now. DH says he is willing to do whatever it takes, even IVF. I have mixed feelings about IVF. But I think now I am willing to try Clomid, if I had a good doctor. I just cannot wait until we move, and have more options! Hopefully, that will be very soon. DH is working on his thesis and basically as soon as he gets a job somewhere else we can go. It can't come fast enough for us.

On a positive note, an intuitive told me last year that i would have another baby, but not until 2011. So, I hope she was right! My plan is to focus on getting healthier (i need to lose 25 lbs), and trying to focus on all the positives in my life, this coming year. Hopefully that will help me get a baby!! I really think it might help if I lost my weight. I have been trying to lose it for some time now but nothing's worked. Still, I'm going to try even harder. DH also needs to lose quite a bit of weight and we decided we are going to start P90X on Monday. He did it before and lost 20 lbs pretty quickly. I also want to work on writing a book this year (a lifelong goal of mine). I hope I can provide a ray of light for some of you out there sometimes when you are low. I know we all have our low days, and today I am having one, but 2011 is a new year and I hope we will see lots of BFP's very soon!!!

Nice to meet y'all, and Happy New Year's Day!!

[musicoholic]

Quote:

Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham 
Red kitchens are universally friendly 

I love it!!  We're renting at the moment, so can't do anything I want to do ...  but just about everything is red - all my crockery, my oven-to-table dishes and my new cast-iron grill and casserole.  And my trivets....  AND my stove lighter....  And I found a set of canisters the other day that I'm dying to get.  Guess what - they're red!  With cream writing.  I think when we finally can afford to buy our own house I'll have to go with a slightly neutral colour kitchen just so I don't have to buy all my utensils all over again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

Music, I talk about TTC all of the time irl, I probably shouldn't. I even talked to the gorl who works next to me about how we have been trying for years. She responded by telling me downs syndrome stats, lovely.

 Sometimes people just don't get it, do they.  I completely envy you that you're comfortable talking about it!  As long as we've been together and as close as we are, I even feel weird talking to DH about it sometimes...  and it's not that he doesn't want to talk about it, it's completely that I've always been more of a listener than a talker.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

Happy 2011!!

I wanted to just wish everyone a happy and fertile new year!


My Papa (grandpa) passed away last night and today I have just had an extremely bad day I won't go into details, but some pretty scary things happened today (DD and I were threatened by someone when my car broke down in front of his house, and he had a gun in his pocket ) That is not even all, more bad things going on.

DH suggested that I make a list of good things that have happened lately.

I am not on for long, or else I would reply with personals. I didn't want to miss saying Happy New Year to the BSLs

I am so so sorry to hear about your Papa.  I really hope things start looking up for you...  I wish I had a magic wand that would just make all the bad stuff disappear for all of us.    I agree with your DH - although sometimes it is horribly difficult to do.  I do try to do it fairly regularly and have started getting DS in the habit of it as well (he takes the smallest incidents immediately to heart and has trouble letting them go - even if they don't affect him directly).  We call it our "gratitude list".  Not just things that have happened, but everything we're grateful for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilmom 

my son desperately wants a sibling. Actually, he wants more than one! He told us he needs a "bruver" and a sister! He loves babies. And he wants a playmate so badly. It hurts and brings us to tears sometimes. One day we were in the car and he said, I guess my toy puppy will have to be my bruver. And it was all I could do not to bawl. He is truly the light of my life and so precious, and I don't mean to minimize anyone else's struggle who is trying for #1. I am so blessed to have him!!! I just want it as much for him as I do for me now.

Welcome!  And I completely know where you're coming from.  My DS has just turned 6, and has been asking for a sibling since he was 3.  The letter he wrote to Santa just before his 4th birthday read (yes, I have memorised it):  

"Dear Santa,

I have tried very hard to be a good boy this year.  Please may I have a baby brother or sister.  

Love from E***.  

P.S.  And binoculars please."

He got the binoculars.  

We started trying for #2 when he was 14 months old....  but had to stop trying a couple of months later because I landed an overseas job with a 2 year contract (and crappy maternity conditions...  42 days leave!!!).  I wish we'd kept trying anyway - maybe we wouldn't be having so much trouble now.

[BelovedK]

lilmom and music, that is sad to hear their little voices when they are asking for a sibling. My DD wants a sister, but lately has told me that she likes being the baby, so maybe not. DS is too old to care now LOL

Welcome lilmom, and I am so sorry you are so far away from any of the things that helped you before I'm glad you found your way over here, there is much support to be had, and especially for your feelings when people are pregnant all around, that is so painful in a way not many understand.

rcr, I know what you mean about the arguing, DH and I have our stretches. When they are sick, sometimes they are so unreasonable Mine is a baby when he is sick, and he can also be grumpy. I am learning how to take his 'way'... I hope you and your DH find some peace, TTC is stressful on a marriage.

and music, I am very comfortable talking about it with others, don't know why. I want to shake this woman, she is so inconsiderate in her words, but some people are like that

afm? Temps still up, still no signs of af. my stupid mind always goes towards hope, even though the blood test said that I am not pg. This is crazy.

[musicoholic]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

and music, I am very comfortable talking about it with others, don't know why. I want to shake this woman, she is so inconsiderate in her words, but some people are like that
 

I so want to be like you when I grow up.  I wish I were not so bloody self-conscious All. The. Time.  Doesn't matter what it's about - I hate feeling like people are looking at me.  Even when I know they're not.

Pretty dumb then that I love being at the front of a classroom full of hormonal teenagers, getting paid to make a fool of myself day in day out (that's my teaching style...  lol), huh?

afm? Temps still up, still no signs of af. my stupid mind always goes towards hope, even though the blood test said that I am not pg. This is crazy.

 

Okay...  so I'm going to play for both teams right now.  It's possible it's a CL cyst, still shooting out progesterone to keep your temps up, and just preventing AF from making her appearance.....  but it's also possible you could be one of those women who don't test positive with even bloods until they're a couple of months along.

 

Even if you don't feel it's very likely, I'm still hoping for the second possibility for you.  

[BelovedK]

Oh music, that goes through my mind all of the time, every time my temps are still up, but I know it is futile to get my hopes up. I can't wait to call Monday.

Does anyone know anything about these cysts? do you have to get surgery? I haven't had much luck googling, would it be an ovarian cyst? Could it be cancerous???? I scare myself with google.

[LessTraveledBy]

So sorry, Beloved! Sounds like a lot in just a couple of days.

We have just made a new friend and I am already dreading this friendship: They got pregnant with their first very easily. At least my other friends have 2-3 kids, each, so it will end some time. This couple may keep announcing for the next 15 years. They seem like wonderful people... but I am soon 6 years past the first baby thing and would like to be as young as they are.

I so know what it is like to have a child who wants siblings. I once bought a dress for dd's baby doll. She took it, said it was a baby's dress, not doll's, and stuffed it in her drawer, where I was not allowed to touch it. That was one of the many times I felt my heart going into pieces. It is hard to keep announcing to dd that other kids are getting more siblings, when she has none.

I finally realized that what I don't want to hear is actually true: We have no money to adopt and really cannot save towards that until 3 years from now. It just is so, whether it kills me or not. My dh is a student and has funding for the next 1.5 years. Right after that ends, we will need to spend a year abroad for his studies. That means, basically, the same expenses we have right now plus rent on top of that. So, we have to save for that year. That's that... 

I thought of something today at church: I have a super hard time thinking of the past, all the years that have passed since dd's birth. It is also very hard to think about the future... how the time just goes by and nothing happens. SO, I was reminded that I have to live in today. I can handle just today, not the past of the future. So, that will be what I will try to concentrate on.

I also need to lose about 25 lbs. However, with hypothyroidism and my earlier unsuccessful attempts, I am not confident I can. I have been thinking about the things that were different when I got pregnant: I was over 6 years younger, I was 25 lbs lighter, I was in good shape and I ate worse. I am obviously not going to go back to eating worse and there is nothing I can do about time. So, losing weight and getting into shape are the only things I can do anything about. And even then, I am not confident my body is willing to lose weight, so that leaves me with exercise. The probem is, I couln't care less. No motivation, what so ever. And yet, I need to try.

[scarletjane]

Hi, everyone

I've been thinking of all of you and am sending you wishes for babies in 2011.  For us, 2010 was such a rough year that it felt really freeing to have it behind us and move into the new year. Psychologically, I just think it feels nice to have that transitional turning point. I didn't know it would be such a relief to be out of 2010 until the clock struck midnight and i kind of felt like a weight lifted.

LTB, I really resonated with your post re living in the moment. It's one of the things i'm working hard on right now. I live much too much in the future, feeling like i'm just working towards something right now. But what a shame that is. Time and life are so precious and it's so sad to just focus on what might happen in the future.. what if it never happens? My husband said recently, "nothing will be good until we are pregnant" and we absolutely have to stop living like that. It's so unhealthy. So we're working on that.  wish me luck! doing so doesn't come easily.

I hope this is a turning point for all of us.

hugs to you all.

[collieflower]

I guess we need a new thread for January 2011! Did someone already volunteer to be threadkeeper? I will happily do it, although I was secretly hoping for March since that's the month we will start to TTC again  Let me know. If nobody is committed, I'll get the new one set up (may need a bit of help from you wise-women who've done it before).

[BelovedK]

I was going to do it, but my hope is down in the dumps and I am wondering if I should even be here, I can't bring myself to do it, it might feed hope

[rcr]

Collie- I don't remember anybody volunteering. I want to do it in February because that is when the I intuitive told me I would be pregnant. (Grasping at straws?)

Welcome lilmom.

[musicoholic]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK 

Oh music, that goes through my mind all of the time, every time my temps are still up, but I know it is futile to get my hopes up. I can't wait to call Monday.

Does anyone know anything about these cysts? do you have to get surgery? I haven't had much luck googling, would it be an ovarian cyst? Could it be cancerous???? I scare myself with google.

Here's what I could find.  It doesn't seem to be dangerous (usually last about 2-3 weeks, although it can apparently take up to 3 months to disappear entirely ) - but might be something you want to bring up with your Dr on Monday?

"The C-L cyst is a normal cyst of the ovary which produces progesterone. If you become pregnant, The HCG which is the hormone we use for preg. test, causes the C-L cyst to persist and continue to produce progesterone so you don't lose the pregnancy. If there is no HCG, the C-L cyst goes away, progesterone levels drop, and you have a period. Occasionally, the C-L cyst will persist in the absence of HCG or pregnancy. This could make you have all the symptoms you describe and not be pregnant. This is sometimes referred to as "Halban's Syndrome" after a famous physician of more than 150 years ago who first described it."

[musicoholic]

If collieflower wants to do it in March and rcr wants to do it in February - then I'm happy to take over for this month if noone has any objections?

[miriam_bat_avraham]

...

Edited by miriam_bat_avraham - 5/6/13 at 9:30pm

[LessTraveledBy]

Welcome lilmom! I hope your stay will be short. If not, at least you are in good company. :)

I just talked with my old college roomate. It had been years since we had talked, although we used to be close friends. (We lived together because we were friends, so not matched randomly.) I told her about our secondary infertility and she actually said the sweetest thing anyone has said to me "Have you found any people dealing with the same for support, even online?" Isn't that often so true... We try to support people in things we know nothing about (and often end up saying the wrong thing). Instead, we would just acknowledge that the something is worthy of a need for support. This is a new thought for me. It just felt really nice that she acknowledged this is hard enough stuff to nees support.

[rcr]

So, there is a thread titled "I am so over being pregnant" down in the recent discussions list, in a ddc, I imagine. I didn't click on it, but I can guess what it says. If I was feeling a little more bitter right now, I would go tell all those whom are ungrateful to shove it. Of course, I do remember being "so over being pregnant " when I was pregnant with DS, because i was fat and uncomfortable, but when I do get pregnant again, I will never ever complaign.

I went and joined the ivf thread, in hopes of having ivf approved at my Dr appointment on Tuesday. That is, approved by my new insurance. I am nervous and excited and conflicted.

[rcr]

Oh- and have a great vacation MBA!

[musicoholic]

Okay....  so at the risk of jumping on toes I went ahead and started the new thread.