Today I decided I suck at parenting. (Long)

[jellybeanmumma]

We've had a tough month and I'm done. Burnt out. Over it.

My high needs (or is it spirited now he's a toddler?) DS is 17mo. In the past 3 weeks he's cut 4 canines and 2 molars and the other 2 molars seem to be making their presence felt. And he is not good with teething. He has never STTN, still night nursing, co-sleeping. We've recently moved to a new town so my only respite which was a trip to the in-laws is no longer an option. And if walking backwards and learning to walk up and down stairs counts as a mile stone then we've just hit those as well. 

Plus it's rained for weeks and is going to keep raining. And i've just resurrected my business in the new town so have had calls, e-mails, training to catch up on. And DS is busy. Really really busy. People say "oh I bet he keeps you on your toes" or "isn't he busy" But until they spend an hour or so with me they don't get it. He never ever ever stops. Unless I try to do something for me. Then he stops and claws at my leg and screams.

Add to that this week he's eaten household cleaners. Twice. Thank god I use the eco chemical free stuff. Now I have a childproof house. To the max. If I don't want DS to get into it it's boxed up in the garage. Cleaners on the tops shelf in childproof cupboards. So first time DH left bleary eyed after another broken sleep for an early shift and must have left the bathroom door open. I was cleaning up after breakfast when I heard silence. That's bad. Busy babies are NEVER silent. I bolt through the house and find him scooping the toilet dot from the toilet bowl and licking his fingers. Freak out.Gross out. Water. Breastmilk. Call DH. Its 45 mins to the nearest ER. The packet says no need for medical attention so we decide against ER. Thank god for chem free cleaning. But I feel like a s**t parent. The crazy haze of the past month means I've let things slide and the toilet, house etc are just shabby and grubby. Not clean enough to eat off. Gross. And I really do believe tidy house tidy mind.

So the next day DH has arvo shift so he takes DS for his daily puddle jumping trip (btw is my kid the only one left in the world that goes out in the rain??) and I clean the house till it sparkles. Which lasts until DH arrived back with the mess maker. Then that night as I'm preparing dinner I put DS in the sink (he splashes and entertains himself which gives me 5 mins peace without having to hold him up to see what I'm doing.) I turn my back for 2 seconds and it goes quiet. I turn around and I've left the frikkin dish soap out after cleaning and he has it at his lips. I don't think he drank much. But I freak out. Call DH home (he's a cop so he can drop in if there are no jobs on). Packet says only to drink 1 cup of h2o to dilute. Thank god for chem free cleaners again!

Plus now he's also stopped going to bed. He used to suck at sleeping so we became the routine experts and it worked. And now it's gone to s**t. He wants to be rocked to sleep again and it takes like 2 hrs. WTF??? Tonight I gave up and DH took his dinner break at home and rocked him in the sling till he dropped. Maybe the gunbelt scared him to sleep??

I feel like I've lost myself. I was this free spirited perpetually travelling happy hippy chick now I'm the mum that gives her kid packet meals half the time  - they are organic but still:( and lets him watch tv way too much:( and says cranky things that aren't playful or AP. And I find myself wishing I was still free. I love my son more than anything but right now I'm hating being a parent and I hate the parent I'm being. And I can't talk to DH about it cause he is working his ass of at work and at home and would be so upset if he thought I wasn't happy..

Sorry that was really long but I just gotta vent. I'm pretty isolated from friends IRL and how do you just drop it in to like a friendly playgroup chat that you hate being a mum?? And then I see chicks with like 5 kids or kids with real challenges and struggles and I wish I would just toughen up. I was never this easily beaten before.

If you've read this far thanks for listening. x

[tzs]

oh man.....you're not a bad mom...he's just a bad kid! (just kidding....kidding!!!)

does dh ever have like a full day off or close too it? i was having a minor nervous breakdown a while back and convinced dh to send me to a hotel for a night. cable, pool, complete me-time, slept in.....and whetever happened at home i didn;t worry about. it was a-MAZ-ing. it made a world of difference. no feelings about being a bad mom for wanting to be alone because i came back refreshed and wanting to spend time with dd instead of wanting to scream.

[mamazee]

I'd say you're a really good mom for realizing how important safe cleaners are with your ds and following through with that so thoroughly.

The lack of sleeping is probably due to the teething pain.  Would you consider some pain reliever or something for that?  Everything feels worse when you aren't getting enough sleep, and he is going to be even more high needs if he isn't getting enough sleep.

Some of your unhappiness is also due to needing to settle in to your new home and community.  Maybe post here at MDC under Finding Your Tribe?

Big hugs to you!  It sounds like a rough patch for sure!

[littlehoneybee]

Originally Posted by jellybeanmumma 

I feel like I've lost myself. I was this free spirited perpetually travelling happy hippy chick now I'm the mum that gives her kid packet meals half the time  - they are organic but still:( and lets him watch tv way too much:( and says cranky things that aren't playful or AP. And I find myself wishing I was still free. I love my son more than anything but right now I'm hating being a parent and I hate the parent I'm being. And I can't talk to DH about it cause he is working his ass of at work and at home and would be so upset if he thought I wasn't happy..

Sorry that was really long but I just gotta vent. I'm pretty isolated from friends IRL and how do you just drop it in to like a friendly playgroup chat that you hate being a mum?? And then I see chicks with like 5 kids or kids with real challenges and struggles and I wish I would just toughen up. I was never this easily beaten before.

If you've read this far thanks for listening. x

I am sooo with you on this.  I have the "high needs/spirited"  kid who is now five and a toddler who is currently going through the "terrible twos". Haven't had a decent night's sleep in  nearly six years.  I'm exhausted all the time.  Add to that my husband has been deployed for the last year and a half so I am completely burnt out.  If I hear one more person tell me that I just need to "chill out and live life," I am going to sceam.  This "advice" is usually coming from a mom with one kid who has slept completely through the night from age three months and has a helpful husband at home all the time.  They just don't get why I don't enjoy being a mom.

 

[K1329]

I think it could have alot to do with his age. I know that the toddler stage - into everything - was the hardest age for me. I remember even taking a car ride just so I could strap ds into his carseat and not have to worry about him for a few minutes - just listen to music and relax! It's a frustrating time to parent, that's for sure. One thing that helped me was when I hit that point of absolute frustration - leaving the house for awhile. Running an errand, walking around the block, anything to break out of the funk. But, don't be too hard on yourself - it's just a difficult age.  

[Super~Single~Mama]

Oh man.  I so feel for you!!!  My ds is super busy too - and like you its only until I try to do something for myself, and then he clawed at my leg and screamed.  I get it, I really do!!

But, he's now 23mo, and its gotten SO much easier!  He's talking LOTS - which helps a ton.  Is your ds possibly on the verge of a language explosion??  My ds's vocab went up by a huge amount right around 18mo, and then he started really really talking around 20mo, and now he just talks non-stop - from wake up to falling asleep.  He even talks WHILE he's falling asleep!  And sometimes IN his sleep!  LOL.

I also found that at 18mo he was ready to nightwean, and that helped the sleeping tons.  Bedtime also needed to be moved up an hour since he wasn't napping very well - can you try that maybe?  It worked like MAGIC when my ds was that age. 

To get out some energy can you go to the library and let him run around the childrens section?  (only if its a big library, my local library is HUGE and they don't care if little kids run around, and they have some play toys out - the smaller ones don't like that)  I LOVE that you take him out in the rain!  thats AWESOME - lots of great puddle jumping, and the perfect opportunity for a bath when he comes in!  Are you doing that in the morning or afternoon or both?  If only in the morning, try in the afternoon right after nap - I find thats a great time to get some energy out for my ds. 

Teething BLOWS.  I hate teething, my ds is TERRIBLE at teething.  And I'm a terribly mommy, but I have it on good authority (a phd in chem, and a nuclear med dr) that when teething is really bad, tylenol and motrin can be given at the same time if you absolutely need to (I have done it twice maybe - but they were the most absolutely awful teething nights of all time with screaming for hours on end - it was necessary!).  They can also be alternated every 3 hours if need be.  I know its not "natural" but those dang teeth caused MUCH frustration in our house, and that was the only thing that did it.  Hopefully though, he's almost done with that.  The molars were the WORST!

[Annie Mac]

This phase will pass, and you will make contacts in the community, and you will feel in control of your life again. I have to tell you though, as a mom of a grown child, your house may never sparkle the way it did pre-children. It's all about adjusting standards. Your son will pass out of this phase and onto many more, and some will be difficult and others you'll breeze though. Regardless, you'll survive, like your mom did and your grandmother did and moms down the ages did, and still do. FWIW, I practically had poison control on speed dial with my first. She ate some really funky things, so I know how fast it can happen. One of them was really dangerous too (it wasn't a cleaner, it was a plant outside, and you can't really babyproof outside), but you know? That happens to the best of us. Unfortunately, I don't have any magic advice for you, but if it helps, you are definitely not alone in this. 

[sleepingbeauty]

  Toddlers are hard.  We're ALL loosing our minds and patience at this stage. You're not a bad mom, don't worry.  Teething is probably one of my least favorite parts.  Hang in there.  We'll all get through this one way or another...

[newmomroxi]

I don't really have any advice for you; I just wanted to let you know you don't suck at parenting and you're not alone.  My DS is 14 months.  Although, he is incredibly funny and loveable and amazing, it is so much harder to take care of him now than it was just a few months ago!  He's frustrating and stressful and impatient and cranky and difficult to please sometimes.  And he has this sixth sense about knowing exactly when I want him to do one thing in particular and doing the exact opposite!  When I want him to skip a nap, he sleeps 3 hours straight.  Fall asleep in the car, he's wide awake.  Stay awake in the car long enough to run errands,  out like a light.  I could go on. 

Just this morning, I was trying to get out of the house by a certain time.  Usually I don't care.  Today though I had everything ready to go, had my coat, hat, and scarf on, the car was warming up.  All I wanted to do was check DS's diaper and put on some warmer pants; no big deal usually.  Well, wouldn't you know, DS decides to pee on me this morning.  Who cares that he hasn't done that since he was a newborn!  He gets my scarf before I can cover him with a diaper so I grudgingly take off my scarf and start wiping down his legs.  I thought how lucky that he didn't get pee on anything else.  While I'm getting a fresh diaper, he pees again all over himself and the floor!  All the while he's crying and kicking and my frustration level is hitting the roof!  UGH!  What should have taken 5 minutes took 20!  He cries and fights me to put his diaper on, then his pants, then his socks and shoes!  And wouldn't you know, once he's in the carseat, all of a sudden he's happy as can be!

Anyway, I understand how you're feeling.  My DS takes everything out of me.  I just try to cherish the breaks and quietness whenever they come.

[Peony]

Toddlers are the most exhausting age for me, I have a 19m old and we are doing the same thing currently as well. He is all all night, takes a cat nap at 10pm, stays up till 12am, cranky, whiny, he doesn't talk at all so we are having major frustration issues now. I do much better with a newborn/baby or a preschooler then a toddler. Toddlers are so freaking hard. I was frustrated 7 years when my first was a toddler, I guess the difference the time makes is that I don't doubt myself now, you do what ever yo have to get through this phase, and it is phase, it will pass. 

"Toughening up" just happens over time. Back when it was just DD1 destroying my house and sanity, did I think I was at the end of my rope then? Yes, because I was. Growing as a parent takes time. Now I look back and think I had it so easy back then, only one child that never slept and ran me ragged, only it wasn't easy, it was still so hard. Now it is even harder, I have 3 of these things that barely sleep, and all have their own special needs, but I can deal with it better then I did back then. The thing is though, over the years you learn how to let go, handle things better, you grow, and then you can better equipped to deal with the crap life throws at you. Hopefully anyway!

[honeybunmom]

You're not a bad mom.  This is a tough age.  My son's canines have been coming in for.ev.er!  Months!  He's 20 mos old now and he went through a bedtime/naptime sleep regression stage that went on for several weeks (maybe 2 mos).  I'm happy to report that I can now nurse him, lay/sit him in the crib, read him a book, lights out and knit and until he goes to sleep (or even leave sometimes!).  For weeks on end I was actually crawling out of the room on my hands and knees.  And I'm a 40 year old woman.  Just so the little monster wouldn't see/hear me leave and start to scream again!   And he doesn't STTN either.  He still night nurses.  And I work full time out of the house.  And he was swirling his hand in the toilet the other day.  The last person to make a deposit didn't make sure it went down all the way.  EWWWWW!!!!  And he's constantly hitting and sitting and bouncing on his 5 year old sister. And I can't crack an egg without his help.  Or stir a bowl of dough, or prepare a bowl of dough, for that matter.  He.is.busy.

Anyhoo, one thing he loves is water play.  If you have a splash mat (you know the kind that go under a high chair), you might want to put that down on the floor with some big bowls of water and measuring cups to give yourself a few more moments of peace.  Just have some towels handy for the water that will most certainly escape the mat and a fresh set of clothes for the little guy!  If you get to have a cup of tea or coffee while he does this, it might give you just the little bit of rebooting of your system to take on his next escapade.

[AndtheStars]

I am so there with you.  I question daily why I thought being a parent was a good decision to make.  We've got all the molars and three more canines to go and I'm trying to convince myself that if I can just get through to the last canine, everything will be magically better.  This is such a hard age because I have a tough time reconciling DS's independent play/actions etc. with the fact that really he's still a baby and doesn't understand about time, my needs, what it takes to make sure that there is food, a semi-clean house, sleep etc.  I can't sit him down and say "Mama needs quiet time" or "Mama really needs to finish cooking dinner because otherwise we will all be hungry".  There's no reasoning, only endless distractions that leave the house 10 times messier than I thought possible.  I seriously just want to leave everything where it is on the floor and just push paths through it when I need to walk.  It would make me feel better than endless putting things away only to have them out and scattered an hour later.  Sigh.  Sorry to hijack the thread with my frustrations but I really, really understand where you are coming from. 

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by jellybeanmumma 

I feel like I've lost myself. 

That's because you have. You'll never be -not- a mother again. I remember the feeling that my life, my self, had imploded. Slowly, over the years I have rebuilt a new life, and a new identity, from the old pieces as well as from the new experiences. So, I'm still me...but I'm me the mother now.

You'll get there! It feels hard right now and like you're making lots of "mistakes" because in fact, you are. And it's ok...it's the unfortunate task of the first child...it's the learning child.

[jellybeanmumma]

Originally Posted by tzs 

oh man.....you're not a bad mom...he's just a bad kid! (just kidding....kidding!!!)

does dh ever have like a full day off or close too it? i was having a minor nervous breakdown a while back and convinced dh to send me to a hotel for a night. cable, pool, complete me-time, slept in.....and whetever happened at home i didn;t worry about. it was a-MAZ-ing. it made a world of difference. no feelings about being a bad mom for wanting to be alone because i came back refreshed and wanting to spend time with dd instead of wanting to scream.

DH has annual leave in 2 weeks. We're spending a week up the coast at a fancy hotel with massages, champagne etc and a few days at a massive Woodford folk festival cause dancing makes me normal..then 3 weeks with all the inlaws. Who are amazing. There will be sleep ins, whole days off...together..5 other adults to tag when it gets hard (at the moment tag is no fun cause either me or DH are it) so really in the light of day this right now is the darkest hour before dawn. And as soon as we night wean I'll be doing a solo trip for sure!!!

[jellybeanmumma]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Oh man.  I so feel for you!!!  My ds is super busy too - and like you its only until I try to do something for myself, and then he clawed at my leg and screamed.  I get it, I really do!!

But, he's now 23mo, and its gotten SO much easier!  He's talking LOTS - which helps a ton.  Is your ds possibly on the verge of a language explosion??  My ds's vocab went up by a huge amount right around 18mo, and then he started really really talking around 20mo, and now he just talks non-stop - from wake up to falling asleep.  He even talks WHILE he's falling asleep!  And sometimes IN his sleep!  LOL.

I also found that at 18mo he was ready to nightwean, and that helped the sleeping tons.  Bedtime also needed to be moved up an hour since he wasn't napping very well - can you try that maybe?  It worked like MAGIC when my ds was that age. 

To get out some energy can you go to the library and let him run around the childrens section?  (only if its a big library, my local library is HUGE and they don't care if little kids run around, and they have some play toys out - the smaller ones don't like that)  I LOVE that you take him out in the rain!  thats AWESOME - lots of great puddle jumping, and the perfect opportunity for a bath when he comes in!  Are you doing that in the morning or afternoon or both?  If only in the morning, try in the afternoon right after nap - I find thats a great time to get some energy out for my ds. 

Teething BLOWS.  I hate teething, my ds is TERRIBLE at teething.  And I'm a terribly mommy, but I have it on good authority (a phd in chem, and a nuclear med dr) that when teething is really bad, tylenol and motrin can be given at the same time if you absolutely need to (I have done it twice maybe - but they were the most absolutely awful teething nights of all time with screaming for hours on end - it was necessary!).  They can also be alternated every 3 hours if need be.  I know its not "natural" but those dang teeth caused MUCH frustration in our house, and that was the only thing that did it.  Hopefully though, he's almost done with that.  The molars were the WORST!

He could be having a language explosion.. he's leaning new signs every day and has more words... as for puddle jumping..well we're in training for the puddle jumping olympics I think. We go out after breakfast then come home for lunch, I dry his things then after nap we head out again.. that's why I don't get the sleep thing, I mean for most of the teeth in the past few weeks it was bad but this week is off the dial and most of the teeth are in?? We've resorted to Nurofen (We have Nurofen or Panadol down under) which is stronger and does work. Maybe after 4 canines and 2 molars he's as sick of it all as us and the last two are the straw that broke the toddler's back??

Anyways thanks so much for all the replies. Even getting it out in print made me feel better. Moving away and becoming a parent obliterated some friendships that I thought were solid and I guess these past few weeks I've missed having people to talk stuff out with so I really appreciate you all taking the time to listen/read/reply. In the daylight with my rational self awake it is so much easier to see that this too shall pass but after another tough bedtime it's just soo much harder to be Zen.

[meetoo]

I think whenever you are feeling at the end of your rope it's time to make some changes. In your case I would night wean and really focus on getting him to sleep through the night.  Lack of sleep can really mess with your head.  It's sounds like you don't have any family around and your DH works a lot ,so a babysitter or some type of daycare program might be good too. Even just a hour to work out at the Y in peace might be enough.   Building a good routine can really help with toddler behavior problems. Kids like to know what to expect in their day.  He  sounds like a smart little guy who needs a lot of stimulation. ( lucky you ). Making sure you build in outdoor/active time everyday  and have plenty of engaging toys around.  I know i can cranky if I'm in the house to much. When my oldest was a toddler I tried to have something almost daily out of the house to do. The library, play ground, mall playground, kids museums.....There is quite a few things that are free or cheap to do with toddlers.  It's wonderful for them to experience so many different things too. :)  Don't worry you are not a terrible mom. All moms feel like that sometimes. :)

[shotmama]

jellybeanmumma, i just have to say, after reading your post, i feel like i know you irl. HAHA! my thoughts go out to you, and thank goodness for chemical free cleaners!! you don't sound like a bad mama to me at all..

[TheSlingMama]

Lol, Jellybean I feel ya!  My daughter will be 17 months this week and some days it is REALLY hard.  You're not a bad mom by any means - in fact you're all the better mom because you realize and reached out!  I'm sure that your trip will make you feel a ton better and give you a new lease on life!