Business, family, friend, or none ot the above relationships?

[tnmom66]

FINALLY have gotten my baby's father to go to counseling with me. He went yesterday to meet the counselor --an "intake" or "get aquainted" session. I told her in my sessions and he told her himself that he sees our relationship as a BUSINESS relationship. He pays me money, he believes he has the right to perform "safety inspections" of my house. Seems very cold and impersonal.  I don't see it as  "business" relationship and I certainly don't think he's my boss. We have a "contract"--a custody agreement, but although it is "legal" (so is a marriage), I don't see it as a "business".

I think it is a family relationship--we are both joined to the child and have to deal with each other in decisions relating to her.

I would also like to see it as a friendship. Crap he's put me through lately has made it impossible for me to think of him as a friend, although he insists that he IS my friend. For a long time, I tried to be a friend to him, very considerate of his feelings, concerns, etc.

I pretty much have come to the conclusion that a co-parenting relationship is something unique.

I wonder how others view this.

BTW--quick background: This guy and I were basically in a FWB relationship (which I think are not good, but in my case, I was trying to get over my ex-husband getting remarried and wasn't in my "right mind".). Three months into this relationship that was supposed to NOT be long-term, I got pregnant. He wanted me to abort, I made the difficult decision to keep her (which he is now glad about). He dumped me 1/2 way through the pregnancy, but jumped back into my life as soon as the baby was born, but we have NEVER resumed a romantic/sexual relationship, and neither of us has had a relationship with anyone else in these almost 2 1/2 years. We have joint custody, basically 50/50 time split on paper, with me as primary residential parent, and he pays child support. He sees our DD a couple of hours about 3 days a week (with me either dropping off/picking up or just hanging out with them) and he has her usually Friday nights overnight. We usually get along well, and I think we have good potential for getting through the next 16 years without too much trauma.  We both have issues I think counseling will help with.

My mother HATES this guy and when I told her I wanted to get some kind of family therapy, she said, "He is NOT your family!" I think he is her family, too, as he is her granddaughter's father. I even thought my kids stepmother was connected to me as family, through my kids. Am I alone in feeling this way?

[hillymum]

I hope the therapy helps both of you work out each others roles. I would tend to agree with your mom, this man is not part of your family. He is part of your daughters family , but not yours. As to what relationship the two of you have in the future lets hope you can coparent as friends! Thats personally what I am hoping for.

[Ione]

I hope you guys can figure out the type of relationship you two need to have to be effective as co-parents to your DD. And I hope therapy helps.

I would like to point out, however, that whatever that relationship ends up getting called, and whatever attitude adjustments you go through to reach a positive place for your child in regard to the nature of your relationship with him, he needs something of an attitude adjustment. He cannot be both your "boss" in a "business relationship" and your "friend" simultaneously. Furthermore, parenting a child is not, IMO, ever a "business transaction" (except perhaps in the case of a contract for sperm/egg donation or surrogacy--but in such cases, the donor/surrogate does not have the expectation of being a "parent" to the resulting child).

Just my two cents.

[MissLotus]

Unless he has some kind of well-based concern, performing safety inspections of your house, first of all, surely reeks of controlling behavior. 

As for the rest... well, you are both your daughter's family, but if he is acting like neither your friend or family member, then it is rather business-like.  I don't mean you should let him dictate things, I just mean that if it's a relationship where you don't share the emotional side of yourself (and I wouldn't, with someone like that), then it is best to keep things cordial but detached, and not to hope for him to fill any sort of emotional need.  In an ideal world, of course you should be able to expect that the person you have a child with should be, at the very least, a close friend to you, as you share something so precious.  But as you say he's put you through a lot of crap, and if he tends to be controlling, keeping emotional distance is a good thing.

[doubledutch]

no.  he's not "paying you" for services rendered or anything like that.  he is meeting his financial obligation to his daughter, and you can tell him that, on top of all the other ways you care for and provide for your daughter, you are also providing the service (at no additional cost to him, lol) of handling the money he provides for her, because she's two and you're her parent.  what a bargain!

if he had a valid safety concern, then the proper way to handle it would be for a professional to evaluate dd's environment, not him.  not that i in any way believe that you need this!  i don't have any reason to think that.  just saying that he isn't entitled to come into your home for any reason.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I don't think he's your family, and I don't think he's your mothers family either.  She certainly doesn't have to think of him as her family anyway.  I personally consider my ex my "co-parent" even though I have sole custody (and he has good visitation).  We are not personally invested in each others lives, other than we need to be to co-parent effectively.  We maintain a friendly exterior, and talk fairly often about our son.  He is not my family, and I am not his family - but he is my ds's family and so I treat him respectfully.

[tnmom66]

"cordial but detached" seems like a good thing to work towards.  sometimes it is a struggle to just be "CIVIL", much less "CORDIAL".

I am definitely not going to continue to pursue a friendship with this guy. I felt for a long time that we needed to be friends, or at least that I needed to be HIS friend.

I'm even having a spiritual crisis over this---I feel like I should love him more than I do, and I'm feeling that I am not living the life, or having the heart God wants me to when I am harboring such anger and even hatred.. He has finally brought out the worst in me and I hope this is just a bump in the road.  Getting into therapy was definitely a good step. And I keep telling myself that although I might have stumbled, God is still holding my hand and will help me get up when I have learned or grown from this experience. And I know God knows that I don't want to hold onto all this negativity.  It's a process, I guess, in letting go.

I don't want us to be the parents who can't stand to be in the same room with each other.It would be great for our daughter if her parents liked each other.