"Quiet" Anxiety

[VisionaryMom]

DD (3, will be 4 in January) is very anxious. I've just started noticing because she's quiet about it. She's not buzzing the way I think of anxiety, but I'm starting to understand that she worries a lot and takes in a lot though she's talking and/or moving constantly. She has been saying that she doesn't want to go to daycare. After lots of talking and cajoling, it's because some of the boys (one in particular) don't listen. "And I tried to talk to him and say 'J, if you just follow the rules of our class, it's easier.' But he won't follow the rules and then Ms. B has to say something to him about it. He breaks a rule EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Why can't he just not break the rules!?!" She's seriously concerned about this, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do to help her understand that you can't fix other people. You can't make them rule followers. It's as if she sees the behavior of every kid in the room as a reflection on *her*. Any advice?

[One_Girl]

I suggest trying to pinpoint exactly how this affects her personally then calling the teacher and talking to them about it. I also think you should talk to her about the difference between telling and tattling and walk her through when to tell and when to let the teachers take care of it.  It sounds like your dd may be trying to process what is driving this child to break the rules even though he is getting in trouble a lot and she (and probably every other child who sees he is breaking the rules) reminds him of the rule.   My dd has always wanted everyone to follow the rules and keep the structure there (she is an only child and we have a quiet home) and it has taken her a long time to learn to mostly let the teacher be the one in charge, tell about the important stuff that affects her, and not tattle to get someone in trouble for something that doesn't affect her at all.  Reminding her that the teacher is there to be in charge and that she is at there to play and have fun really helped her in daycare, this is something both the teacher and I did to take the stress of worrying about what everyone was doing off of her.  There have been times when I have had to call because a teacher wasn't taking something seriously or because she was really not happy about something that was happening.  Her teachers have always been very good about working to minimize her discomfort and letting me know if I am only hearing half of the story and if my dd is actually contributing to the problem (which has happened on occasion).  I think that if you call and bring this to their attention they will probably work with you and your daughter to help her feel more comfortable. 

[4evermom]

It could also be that she is disturbed to see the rule breaker disciplined.  That kind of thing upset my ds.  On some level, the kids know that that punishment could happen to them even when they are trying not to break any rules and never do.  There is always a what-if hanging over their heads.  It's an anxiety provoking situation for sensitive kids.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

I suggest trying to pinpoint exactly how this affects her personally then calling the teacher and talking to them about it. I also think you should talk to her about the difference between telling and tattling and walk her through when to tell and when to let the teachers take care of it.  It sounds like your dd may be trying to process what is driving this child to break the rules even though he is getting in trouble a lot and she (and probably every other child who sees he is breaking the rules) reminds him of the rule.   My dd has always wanted everyone to follow the rules and keep the structure there (she is an only child and we have a quiet home) and it has taken her a long time to learn to mostly let the teacher be the one in charge, tell about the important stuff that affects her, and not tattle to get someone in trouble for something that doesn't affect her at all.  Reminding her that the teacher is there to be in charge and that she is at there to play and have fun really helped her in daycare, this is something both the teacher and I did to take the stress of worrying about what everyone was doing off of her.  There have been times when I have had to call because a teacher wasn't taking something seriously or because she was really not happy about something that was happening.  Her teachers have always been very good about working to minimize her discomfort and letting me know if I am only hearing half of the story and if my dd is actually contributing to the problem (which has happened on occasion).  I think that if you call and bring this to their attention they will probably work with you and your daughter to help her feel more comfortable. 

She definitely doesn't tell on other kids. My son is completely the "rules police," but DD just wants everyone to *want* to behave to make life easier.

We have talked to her about it not being her responsibility, but maybe we need to reiterate that point. I'm not sure that she gets it. I do want to ask if she can be moved seats because she's seated next to 2 boys who are just wild all the time. I've seen them out in public, and they're the same way there. They only sit for crafts and snacks, but I think it's too much for her.

Her teachers always say that they'd love to clone her, she always does what she's asked, etc., etc. I think she just has an intense need for things to go well.
 

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

It could also be that she is disturbed to see the rule breaker disciplined.  That kind of thing upset my ds.  On some level, the kids know that that punishment could happen to them even when they are trying not to break any rules and never do.  There is always a what-if hanging over their heads.  It's an anxiety provoking situation for sensitive kids.

I hadn't considered that, but I'll ask her how she feels about it. I have taken her to her room maybe twice before just because she was out of control angry. She's never really "gotten into trouble," so maybe it does upset her.

[meemee]

AHA!!!! I know your child.

first and foremost know that you can help deal with this, but it will never 'go away' (just making sure you 'get' this as this is the hard part for a parent - it was for me to realise there was no magic cure)

first know this is an age thing. the intensity will get better, but now you are seeing this at its worst. and the basic things matter a lot at this age. enough rest, enough food in belly, enough challenge to their social, emotional and physical needs.

this gives you a clue as to what your dd's personality is going to be like. my dd has a lot of anxiety - but not enough for medication. all i do is ask her if she has a tummy ache. that gives me an idea of her anxiety levels. her bf though he doesnt really have anxiety was like ur dd at that age. he would COMPLETELY LOOSE IT if dd didnt play with his toys accorrding to the 'way they are supposed to be played by'. his mom and i just hung on during that period. he'd have a tantrum and just be weeping piteously trying to get dd to play his way. we would 'try' to make him understand, but the only way we lived thru that was to hold a crying child and be there for him. till it passed.

what i have seen work with my dd are two things - 1. modelling 2. talking - this is in general becasue she didnt do the rules thing till she was in K.

that is i'd talk out my thoughts as i am going thru the experience. so i'd share what i'd be going thru as i dealt with someone else 'breaking/not following the rules'. i'd go thru my feelings and then try and figure out why the person might be doing that and then try and figure out - perhaps its because of this and that reason/s. at other times i'd just talk about life in general. yeah even at 3. my dd was a silent observer too - so u'd think she wasnt listening but oh no she WAS. so we'd have a lot of philosophical conversations. she has always been a v. philosophical child (knowing the kind of child she is will truly help you know what and how to talk to ur dd). for instance at 3 when i threw the dead sparrow away in the garbage, dd asked me 'mama if i were to die would you also throw me into the garbage?' i learnt a HUGE lesson then. and yes we brought it out and held a proper service for the poor sparrow.

the thing that has made a HUUUUUUUUUGE impact on her was actually when i 'changed'. i started taking classes in 'non violent communication'. i found a teacher and a practise group and that had a HUGE impact on my life in EVERY field. what it taught me was to truly listen and to actually see life from aothers point of view. which i was able to pass on to dd. while it hasnt of course taken her anxiety away, it has taken away the intensity that used to make it really bad. i wanted to give her life long skills so that she wouldnt need medicine in the future. we shall see.

and yes to this day, my dd gets to sit next to a 'bad' child all the time - so that her 'goodness' can rub off on the other child. thankfully dd 'jokes' with the other kids so they usually comply - stay on task. those poor kids actually had high energy and were struggling to harness it. dd developed skills to self modulate that herself so she'd help with the other kids. in fact in 3rd grade she is actually sitting with a boy who struggles with breaking or going against rules. it was interesting to see their interaction when we were on a field trip together.