still not thrilled about baby at 33 weeks.UPDATE#22 born sleeping

[vulnerable]

I feel extremely guilty for even feeling this way honestly.  I went through the same situation with my daughter although her situation was a bit different (thought I conceived through rape but paternity test proved otherwise).  I really do not want this baby, I haven't been doing the proper things throughout like I did with my daughter.  I am very depressed and seeing a counselor who has been no help at all.  

Little back story for things to make sense.  Trying to make this short as possible.  I was assaulted around the time I conceived with my daughter.  Left my state job for disability as i was pretty physically hurt (back problems, torn tendons, dislocated joints ect). I went into preterm labor I had my daughter via emergency c-section which lead to a strep and staph infection and two more surgeries following.  DD ended up with quite a few health problems and colic for the first 7 months.  Her father kicked us out because could not deal with it anymore.  Finally I moved back home when she was 6 months and was able to have a spinal fusion to treat my back from the assault I had a year prior.  3 days after surgery my daughters dad said he was gay and we were kicked out once again.  I ended up staying with the only friend I had at the time who happened to be a guy.  Well I was on birth control but like an idiot I had no idea the medicine I was on for my surgery would make that ineffective and 2 months later ended up pregnant. 

I had no idea the lifestyle this guy had.  He lived with his parents but for different reason than what he told me.  He said he was on unemployment but wasn't.  He was selling drugs, did drugs and I had no idea as a lot of this was going on behind my back.  Once I found out I grabbed my DD and moved back in with my "gay" ex.  Who was no longer gay.  A week after moving back I found out I was pregnant.  My ex gave me a choice abortion or get out.  Well I ended up talking my way out of abortion because I do not agree with abortions (before my DD we tried for years to conceive and had numerous MC)  I have been pushing adoption but the father refuses to sign rights over.  I also refuse to sign rights over to him, he is a worthless POS if you ask me.

I know I am not in a safe environment for my new son and even my daughter half the time.  Her dad is bipolar and is violent.  I feel so guilty for staying here and allowing her to see this but I have nowhere else to go.  No family or friends in this area.  The ones I do have wont allow me to move in, they think I did it to myself I have to deal with it myself.  Not to mention I am also bipolar but on the depressive side and cant get anyone to give me medicine will I am pregnant to treat that.  So I have talk therapy which isn't helping.

I am just so worried I am getting to the point of having this baby and so much going on I just don't know what to do.  I know if I am caught with this baby in my apt I will be evicted and i know my daughters father will have no tolerance for him.  he says he hopes he dies during delivery or before that would be the best thing.  The sons father is somewhat involved, with name picking, no financial help with Dr visits, or anything really important.  He has known the situation and said he was helping to save money for me to move but that was a lie.  I am working under the table but that is all going towards Dr bills and my disability pays for my rent and food. 

I speak with a social worker from the hospital today maybe they can offer advice since my counselor makes it a joke.  I been begging for help this entire pregnancy and all he says is ohh get a new crib your gonna be another mommy.  And cant see how I am not attached or bonded to this baby.

Any advice sorry for the long rant/vent  i am just so confused.

[Smokering]

Oh my. I'm so sorry, what a horrible roller-coaster you've been on!

I'm assuming from your post that adoption is still your preferred route? If so, is it possible an adoption agency could help you get out from your situation (which really does sound dangerous) and place you... somewhere... until the baby's born? Do you need the father's consent to put the baby up for adoption? I mean, surely no court would grant him sole custody, if he deals drugs, lives with his parents etc... so why does he get a say? Would he be willing to agree to an open adoption, where he got, say, supervised visitation but none of the responsibility or expense of bringing up the baby? I can see how a deadbeat dad might find that appealing if you talked it up... (Also, how can he be OK with aborting his baby but not giving him up for adoption? That makes no sense to me. "I don't want him, but no-one else can have him either"? Charming.)

Can you switch counselors? (The one you have sounds ghastly!) Is there a shelter that might take you? A local church that might have a couple with a spare bedroom?

[gardenofsimple]

My friends child was conceived through rape. She did not attach, was in total denial. Did not go to a doctor, did not take care of herself. Was living with her parents (and 1 year old son) and her parents didn't know she was pregnant. The birth was traumatic. Coming home was traumatic. It's a long story and not mine to tell.

But the end result is that she changed her mind about adoption while in the hospital (and backed out of a 1st trimester abortion). She brought her daughter home. It'll be 11 years ago this May (my goodness I'm getting old!) She bonded. She raised her daughter. Things have ended very well and she is an amazing and beautiful little girl.

There's a reason you're carrying this baby still, right? You haven't contacted SS to put this baby up for adoption( as far as I can tell).

Your feelings are normal, especially under these circumstances. I understand that they can be uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you feel guilty. Maybe you feel nothing. Normal.

If you are not in a good situation you don't need to stay there. There are lots of places that can help you get on your feet. Try Vera House. I know Salvation Army offers housing for at-risk mothers. They can also help connect you to other services to help with doctor bills, housing, food, etc . . .

good luck!

[JFTB1177]

First of all, BIG BIG HUGS!!!!!! You have been through a helluva lot, sweetie.

I agree with the PP about the adoption issue, I would strongly suggest against it. At the very least, try to parent for a few months and if you still feel the same you can put him up for adoption (believe me, there are a million couples out there waiting for babies and him being a few months old will not matter at all!). Right now is not the time to make such life-altering decisions when your body is full of PG hormones and you are obviously depressed (and rightfully so). Adoption really is a permanent solution for a temporary problem... once you sign those papers you will never get your baby boy back. What you really need is support and help. Please just do this - not for me, but for you and for your baby- read books or blogs written by birth mothers, and the horrible pain and suffering they go through after they surrender, for their entire life. I would say almost every one of them regrets it and wish they could go back and make a different decision. Check out the adoption board on Yahoo Answers- a lot of birth moms and adult adoptees post there and can tell you how things *really* are.

I know many moms of boys that could also possibly donate some clothes, etc to you (PM me if you would like to take me up on this!). Look, I am married and I am getting "help"- in all ways. Don't know what I'd do without it. There is so much out there and so many organizations that are there to help moms that need it and to help families stay together. What state do you live in?

(((HUGS)))

Edited by JFTB1177 - 12/2/10 at 6:33am

[pregnant@40]

May you be surrounded by many strong angels, for you and your babies need protection and love.

As for the bipolar component, I've read online that lithium is OK to take during pregnancy (caveats: not recommended during first trimester, and important to stop prior to delivery). However, lithium levels, your thyroid, and general health need to be closely monitored. The baby will need monitoring after delivery. Some of your coping right now may be hugely impacted by your disorder, so perhaps it is worth finding a physician or team who will help you with medication management? You are dealing with issues right now more heavy than most humans could cope with, so it's crucial you are at your optimal level of functioning.

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=bipolar_disorder&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=84897

http://www.otispregnancy.org/files/lithium.pdf

As for bonding feelings, I don't have them either right now & I'm not dealing w/ even half your struggles. My approach is to not worry about the lack of bonding, but trust the process. My emotions right now can't determine my emotions in 6 months, who knows how I'll view this whole thing in the future (I'm not bipolar, but I do have depression that is left untreated right now; I WOULD personally treat if I were bipolar or had severe depression). Feelings are like waves on a pond anyway, they come and they go, but they only have power over me & my decision-making if I let them. I'm choosing to focus on the relationship that my son will have with his little brother -- he will have this sibling for life, just as your kids will have each other forever. It may be an intellectual approach, but right now that's enough for me to feel that this pregnancy is worth it & happening for a just reason. I'm not putting any pressure on myself to feel "love" and "bonding" towards the kid right now. And with my first, who was also a colic baby like yours, I don't think the bonding/love feelings kicked in until he was about 4 months old -- but hey, they do evolve over time!

Please remember that the only thing that we can count on in life, honestly the only thing, is change. Everything changes through time, everything -- relationships, our bodies, our environment, politics, the economy, our emotions, etc... It is the one constant of life. Where you are now is NOT where you will be in a year, trust that. How it changes is up to you, but your life has the potential to be in a much better place for yourself and your children. At the moment, while you're in pregnancy & perhaps unable to take medication (but perhaps you are able), maybe making just internal changes rather than living arrangement changes are your best move right now. Maybe you need to drift, KNOWING in the back of your mind that things will change after the delivery, once you're able to take care of your bipolar illness. But if you have other choices right now rather than to surround yourself with abusive men, maybe you can make yourself go through the motions right now of making a positive transition. Any small step you can take right now to move out of your current situation and towards something healthier, just do it, go through the motions. Regardless, know that you are CAPABLE of making the needed changes in your living situation either now or after delivery, that you ARE strong enough to do it, and that you WILL BE in a better place in a year from now. Just believe in this. Change is going to happen, and you are strong enough to make it beautiful change either now or after delivery.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life are your children. Regardless of how they came into being, and despite the negative circumstances surrounding both pregnancies or how you are feeling right now, they are your jewels, the real gems of your existence. Try to see it. What is your purpose on this earth? To suffer with your illness and interact with abusive men? To feel like a victim of social services? Or to create something wonderful and positive and beautiful for and with your children? They are so vulnerable, but life has entrusted them with you in order to give you an opportunity to grow internally & find personal beauty and strength & create a life of love for them and you. Remember who you are deep inside. A rape cannot take away your internal core, nor can bipolar illness or abusive men or financial struggles. Things may look grim on the outside right now, but you do have the inner power to believe in yourself and come up with a new strategy for living.

[Smokering]

Quote: My approach is to not worry about the lack of bonding, but trust the process. My emotions right now can't determine my emotions in 6 months

 

(Sorry, quote function's on the fritz!) Just wanted to add - that is so true! I think we can feel really guilty about not being bonded to a baby during pregnancy, when it actually doesn't matter. I mean, does the baby know or care? No! He's nourished, safe, warm - as far as one can hazard a guess, he probably feels as "loved" as his mental capacity allows. All his needs are being met.

 

Heck, I planned this baby and don't feel bonded to it yet (granted, I'm only 13 weeks and haven't had any ultrasounds yet). I shocked my mother the other day by responding to a sappy comment with "What's to love, the heartburn or the nausea?" - but really, I'm not doing the baby a disservice by not being thrilled about its existence at this stage. It's a FETUS... it couldn't care less! At this point, huffing turpentine might put me in the "bad mother" category. Not whispering sweet nothings to my tummy... not even close.

 

So if you're considering adoption because you're afraid not being bonded to the baby means you won't love him, or that you're a bad mother - that's rubbish. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your circumstances make it absolutely, perfectly, positively normal that you'd be less than ecstatic. It doesn't mean you can't be a fantastic mother to this baby, if that's what you want. OK?

[vulnerable]

I am not worried about the bonding with the baby at all.  I didn't bond with my daughter until maybe 4-5 months because of my long hospitalization from infection and her NICU and pediatric stay from her health issues as well as colic.

What I am worried about is, I feel as though I have my ex making me give this kid up and not allowing him to be in my apartment.  My sons dad, who lives at home and is offering no support or assistance financially, emotionally, ect.  Not being able to receive any emergency funding because I do not have an eviction notice in my hands.  Once baby is born everyone in my apartment will be evicted if I get caught with him here.  The fact i do not want to parent this child, and would rather him go to a family that is able to support him.  I am physically, emotionally and financially unable to do it alone.  I have 4 more surgeries lined up, that had to be put off due to my pregnancy.  I never have help with my daughter, cant afford a babysitter or daycare ect.  it is too much for me to handle and the father of my son is not willing to sign his rights over and expects me to raise him while he just gets the title as dad all while doing nothing.  And the ex who I live with refuses me to keep my son (even tho it isn't his say i just feel threatened to listen to him and feel for him)   I feel like a horrible person for even feeling this way and bringing an innocent baby into this whole mess.  i was adopted myself and i have a lot of anger and hurt towards my bio mom.  I just get that feeling maybe this baby will go to a better family.  Who knows, I just know I am stuck and either have to give him up or somehow find a way out of here asap.  I dream of living on my own, with both my kids, but that is just a dream and not reality. 

And yes lithium is safe but I am unable to take that.  The medicine I usually take is not approved for pregnancy.

[myk]

what a horrific set of circumstances. if you are unable to parent this child, i do hope you can give him to a good family. i'm sorry the father is fighting it - it sounds like he would be unable to parent, too. i can understand not wanting an abortion - i feel the same, even if i didn't want the child, i would not want to end it. if adoption is right for you, i hope and pray that you can make that happen.

as for your bipolar disorder, ask about Lamotrigine (Lamictal). it is safe during pregnancy, but not recommended for breastfeeding. you deserve to be properly treated for your mental health issues regardless of whether you're pregnant or not. Lithium, according to my psychiatrist, is NOT safe for pregnancy, but lamictal is (as long as you take some extra folic acid.. though at this point in your pregnancy it's less of an issue). it is used for bipolar disorder as well as seizure disorder - both my sister and i are on it, and were told by our respective specialists to keep on it. i have fairly severe depression (and seizures, which is why i'm on Lamictal) and if it was not treated, i would be very much in the same boat as you - unable to care for my family, and the soon-to-arrive baby. in fact, during my first pregnancy i had a tough set of circumstances too - losing my home - and i spent a week in a mental health unit because i couldn't deal. my situation wasn't as bad as yours but i do understand how it is absolutely vital that your health be taken care of, if not for the sake of the baby, but for your own sake and your daughter's.

i wish you all the best. i'm due at the same time as you and can't imagine being so absolutely stuck.

[cappuccinosmom]

You are in a terrible situation.  I'm so sorry.

I know there are good and bad ones, but there may be a crisis pregnancy center in your area that could help you get out of your current situation, as well as help you sort through whether adoption is the best route to go (could the bipolar/depression be playing a part in your emotional response to this pregnancy?).  At 33 weeks, and with your relationship/living situation, you certainly have a major crisis.

[AllyRae]

:hugs:  What a terrible terrible situation.  I do pray you find a way to get out (as an adoptive parent AND as a mom to a baby who died, I am absolutely positively sickened by your ex putting a death wish on your child.  How you restrained yourself from rearranging his face makes you a better person than me...)

If you bring your child into your apartment and get evicted, and know that ahead of time, could you have your landlord put that in writing, so that you can take it to an emergency shelter place?  I mean obviously you are being threatened with eviction and that should be notice enough...no need to wait until the baby is born. 

If you want to give up the baby for adoption, I am sure there are ways to get around not having the father sign his rights (depending on the place you live, you don't even need to name the father, especially if the father is uninvolved and dealing drugs).  If you want to parent the baby, I would see if you can find another social worker that can hook you up with resources...there are some out there, and you don't have to be homeless before you get them.  But, adoption is a permenant decision.  If you have dreams of raising your two kids, I would seek out all avenues to do that.  As I said, I'm an adoptive parent, and I can say that *nobody* is entitled to your child BUT you.  If you want to parent that child, please find someone who can help you line up resources (even your county's early intervention system might have resources).  If you want to make an adoption plan, there is no time limit on that...you can do that now, in the hospital, or after you've parented for awhile.  But, it's yours and only your decision to make...

:hug:

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by vulnerable 

I am not worried about the bonding with the baby at all.  I didn't bond with my daughter until maybe 4-5 months because of my long hospitalization from infection and her NICU and pediatric stay from her health issues as well as colic.

What I am worried about is, I feel as though I have my ex making me give this kid up and not allowing him to be in my apartment.  My sons dad, who lives at home and is offering no support or assistance financially, emotionally, ect.  Not being able to receive any emergency funding because I do not have an eviction notice in my hands.  Once baby is born everyone in my apartment will be evicted if I get caught with him here.  The fact i do not want to parent this child, and would rather him go to a family that is able to support him.  I am physically, emotionally and financially unable to do it alone.  I have 4 more surgeries lined up, that had to be put off due to my pregnancy.  I never have help with my daughter, cant afford a babysitter or daycare ect.  it is too much for me to handle and the father of my son is not willing to sign his rights over and expects me to raise him while he just gets the title as dad all while doing nothing.  And the ex who I live with refuses me to keep my son (even tho it isn't his say i just feel threatened to listen to him and feel for him)   I feel like a horrible person for even feeling this way and bringing an innocent baby into this whole mess.  i was adopted myself and i have a lot of anger and hurt towards my bio mom.  I just get that feeling maybe this baby will go to a better family.  Who knows, I just know I am stuck and either have to give him up or somehow find a way out of here asap.  I dream of living on my own, with both my kids, but that is just a dream and not reality. 

And yes lithium is safe but I am unable to take that.  The medicine I usually take is not approved for pregnancy.

OK So I'm a bit confused. First why would you be evicted? is this your apartment or his? Can you apply for assistance? Has he threatened you? If so there should be some help...I'm not sure where exactly you are but if you want help with the leg work of finding out where to go for help I'd be willing to help research (I'm near by you)

So is this you want the baby but feel like you can't have the baby because of his threatening you and forcing to give up your child?

Or do you honestly feel you can't parent this child and want to have the baby adopted?

I think adoption is a wonderful option my Dh and I have been looking into over the past few years as we had IF as well, though we may still adopt.

BUT if you are being cohered then you need to get out now. There are ways.

[onetwoten]

I'm not going to get into whether or not you should take the adoption route, as only YOU know whether that's the best decision for you. However, if you do decide that's what you want, Safe Haven laws should allow you to get around the birth father giving consent. You would be turning him over to a third party, and as they don't even need your name, they shouldn't need his name or permission. Ensure that his name is not on the birth certificate.

[IsaFrench]

can you quielty get away now, taking your daughter with you, with the help of some sort of  organisation and give birth somewhere else, far away from these two men ? ... like giving yourself a kind of "holiday" from your present surroundings for the next 6 months or so .... you can still get back in touch later in your life if you need to ...

it would help you think for yourself and make some decisions not depending on what they did or say or wish you to do ....

[starbyfar7]

what a sucky situation.

regarding getting out of your abusive ex's place.. have you ever heard of coabode.com? its a website for single moms to meet other single moms and share an apartment or house splitting rent and what not. you should really look into it!

[Joanna in PA]

Wow, you are in the hardest situation...  There are few words to say, my heart just aches for you. 

It seems that the most acute problem is that you need a safe, supportive place to live.  Both of these men have treated you so poorly.  I looked at the coabode.com website a previous poster listed and it looks like a wonderful possibility.  Is there a church nearby that you could approach?  Even if they do not have a way to help you directly, they should know of other non-profits or organizations in your area!  I did a quick search for help for single mothers in New Jersey and found this website:

http://www.singlemomfinancialhelp.com/blog/state-assistance-programs-for-single-mothers/new-jersey/

At least there might be some help for childcare for your daughter if you could find some work, or perhaps the health care options would be helpful.

I am so sorry that your family is not supportive.  If they knew the severity of your situation, would they possibly step up?  It is a hard thing to do, but if you honestly and humbly asked for help, would they be willing to extend it, for the sake of your daughter too?  If not, again, I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult position. 

It is a good thing that you wrote here.  You are in serious need and you deserve respect and help.  You should NOT feel guilty for not feeling a certain way about this new baby.  If adoption becomes a possibility and would give you peace, go for it.  If you can find another living situation and begin to support yourself, or find support, then keeping the baby is also great.  There is no wrong choice!  You are clearly trying to do the best for both of your children.

You will be in my prayers...please keep us posted.

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by Gladiola 

also there would be no "hell" for this baby to go through in "losing" anything if baby were adopted at birth, so that's irrelevant.

This has got to be one of the biggest myths out there! I don't want to turn this into a debate b/c this is a support thread for the OP, but I think it is very crucial to let her (and everyone else) know the truth about what surrendering a child can do to a birth mother and the child. I urge you to read Nancy Verrier's book "The Primal Wound", she is an adoptive mother and licensed therapist who wrote the book after adopting her daughter.

  
How do YOU know she can't provide for her child?? Maybe that is what she is feeling right at this moment because she is so overwhelmed, scared, and has such a lack of support! Adoption is PERMANENT and is not to be taken lightly!

Please check out www.keepyourbaby.com. There are resources to help you, OP, on this site. I believe you are a good mama who is under tremendous stress right now and you just need support. ((((hugs))))

Edited by JFTB1177 - 12/5/10 at 4:36pm

[myk]

i would just like to say to the OP - i hope you can find a safe place to be with your little family, even if it means going to a shelter for a while. perhaps stepping out of your immediate situation would allow you to see more clearly about what YOU want to do with this child. if, ideally, you would like to raise both your children, i hope you get every support to do so. giving your child up because you're feeling forced is not going to make you happy in the end, i believe you will feel a lot of regret. on the other hand, if you can get out of your immediate situation and still believe giving the child to another family is the best thing to do, then you are probably right, and doing so would be an act of love.

[rootzdawta]

I've deleted a few posts in this thread that were debating adoption.  Please stick to the original topic of the thread.  Thank you.  

OP, I hope you find some peace in this whole situation.  

[coyotemist]

What about a domestic violence shelter?  You ARE a victim, death wishes etc are violence.  Find a shelter hours away (you may have to call for days to get a bed, but if you start now you should have a room before you are due), then put "unknown" on the baby's birth certificate.  Many shelters will get you back on your feet, go to college (lots of loans and grants out there for single parents right now).  Get a restart on your life.

Take control of your life, you are the owner of it, and you only get one shot.  Your children will have a better life because of it.

[othersomethings]

I guess there isn't enough information here for solid answers to be given. 

1. I can't think of a single reason why you would be evicted for having a baby in your apartment unless it was an age restricted residency. Since you have your daughter there, that clearly isn't the case. I don't think you're an illegal alien since you had a govt. job previously...is it your ex threatening to evict or the landlord? If it's your ex, you have options even if they don't seem obvious. If it's the landlord, you have a lawsuit on your hands IMO.

2. Is leaving the area completely just out of the question? It seems like the perfect time for picking up and starting fresh somewhere else. I can understand if your healthcare/disability is non-transferable to another region. (Even then, moving even an hour away can make a huge difference.) but if it's the fathers of your children holding you back from leaving, the manipulation from them is out of control and needs to be stopped. Are they/will they pay child support? Any financial assistance other than your ex allowing you to share in the expenses of his place? If the answer is no, you owe them nothing. Children are a privilege and a responsibility, not a right. 

3. Is switching therapists not an option? Either find a way to convey your concerns to your therapist better and communicate how you're truly feeling and what you need from him, or inform him that he is inadequate for your needs and seek to transfer to a more competent therapist. It might not be the option you'd think of or choose first, but sometimes counselors and therapists associated with some churches or who have religious backgrounds have better resources and better success rates with women in your position. Either way, if I was seeing a Dr. that I felt was incompetent, I would seek every avenue I could to address that issue. otherwise It's a waste of money, time, and most of all...further impairing YOUR wellbeing. 

4. Even if you don't bond or love this little boy right now, or even right after he is born, he did not ask to be born. he did not ask to be brought into these circumstances and has literally done NOTHING wrong other than to exist at an inconvenient time. He deserves every ounce of effort you have to protect him inside your womb and out, and be given the best chance at a life of health and happiness you can offer him. I think you fully realize this and that's why aborting him wasn't really on the table for you. In light of that, fighting for him and for the chance to possibly love him in the future, or for another family to love him in the future, is a priority for you right now, along with ensuring your daughter is also in as safe an environment as you can find for her, and loving her just as much. That means making sacrifices of yourself, above and beyond what you think you're capable of. 

5. I see you're living in south jersey. I have some friends/family in that area, and some in north jersey too, if you really need a quick "out" I could make some calls or give you some names to contact. 

 

The bottom line is: You ARE a mother. Whether you wanted to be one or not, whether you wanted to be one LIKE THIS or not, you are. You have every mother's instinct inside you to do what you need to in caring and providing for your children for as long as you are called on to do it. Trust your gut instincts, even if you tend to second guess them or have trouble doing it because of your past trauma. Know that this is a season, there IS healing for you...in your body and in your spirit and mind, and the road to getting there has and will be rough but I promise. It exists. 

If you want more information on specific resources for single mothers (beyond what has already been posted) we can and will help you. If you just want a hug and "we're pulling for you" we can do that too. 

I'm sorry the people who should be in your support circle have abandoned you - that's rough. But you're not the first woman in this spot, won't be the last, and you can make it work.