I feel extremely guilty for even feeling this way honestly. I went through the same situation with my daughter although her situation was a bit different (thought I conceived through rape but paternity test proved otherwise). I really do not want this baby, I haven't been doing the proper things throughout like I did with my daughter. I am very depressed and seeing a counselor who has been no help at all.
Little back story for things to make sense. Trying to make this short as possible. I was assaulted around the time I conceived with my daughter. Left my state job for disability as i was pretty physically hurt (back problems, torn tendons, dislocated joints ect). I went into preterm labor I had my daughter via emergency c-section which lead to a strep and staph infection and two more surgeries following. DD ended up with quite a few health problems and colic for the first 7 months. Her father kicked us out because could not deal with it anymore. Finally I moved back home when she was 6 months and was able to have a spinal fusion to treat my back from the assault I had a year prior. 3 days after surgery my daughters dad said he was gay and we were kicked out once again. I ended up staying with the only friend I had at the time who happened to be a guy. Well I was on birth control but like an idiot I had no idea the medicine I was on for my surgery would make that ineffective and 2 months later ended up pregnant.
I had no idea the lifestyle this guy had. He lived with his parents but for different reason than what he told me. He said he was on unemployment but wasn't. He was selling drugs, did drugs and I had no idea as a lot of this was going on behind my back. Once I found out I grabbed my DD and moved back in with my "gay" ex. Who was no longer gay. A week after moving back I found out I was pregnant. My ex gave me a choice abortion or get out. Well I ended up talking my way out of abortion because I do not agree with abortions (before my DD we tried for years to conceive and had numerous MC) I have been pushing adoption but the father refuses to sign rights over. I also refuse to sign rights over to him, he is a worthless POS if you ask me.
I know I am not in a safe environment for my new son and even my daughter half the time. Her dad is bipolar and is violent. I feel so guilty for staying here and allowing her to see this but I have nowhere else to go. No family or friends in this area. The ones I do have wont allow me to move in, they think I did it to myself I have to deal with it myself. Not to mention I am also bipolar but on the depressive side and cant get anyone to give me medicine will I am pregnant to treat that. So I have talk therapy which isn't helping.
I am just so worried I am getting to the point of having this baby and so much going on I just don't know what to do. I know if I am caught with this baby in my apt I will be evicted and i know my daughters father will have no tolerance for him. he says he hopes he dies during delivery or before that would be the best thing. The sons father is somewhat involved, with name picking, no financial help with Dr visits, or anything really important. He has known the situation and said he was helping to save money for me to move but that was a lie. I am working under the table but that is all going towards Dr bills and my disability pays for my rent and food.
I speak with a social worker from the hospital today maybe they can offer advice since my counselor makes it a joke. I been begging for help this entire pregnancy and all he says is ohh get a new crib your gonna be another mommy. And cant see how I am not attached or bonded to this baby.
Any advice sorry for the long rant/vent i am just so confused.