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still not thrilled about baby at 33 weeks.UPDATE#22 born sleeping - Page 2

post #21 of 34

love.gif This. I so agree and the whole post made me cry. OP, I hope you get things settled, I'm so so sorry for your situation. 





Originally Posted by othersomethings View Post

I guess there isn't enough information here for solid answers to be given. 


1. I can't think of a single reason why you would be evicted for having a baby in your apartment unless it was an age restricted residency. Since you have your daughter there, that clearly isn't the case. I don't think you're an illegal alien since you had a govt. job previously...is it your ex threatening to evict or the landlord? If it's your ex, you have options even if they don't seem obvious. If it's the landlord, you have a lawsuit on your hands IMO.


2. Is leaving the area completely just out of the question? It seems like the perfect time for picking up and starting fresh somewhere else. I can understand if your healthcare/disability is non-transferable to another region. (Even then, moving even an hour away can make a huge difference.) but if it's the fathers of your children holding you back from leaving, the manipulation from them is out of control and needs to be stopped. Are they/will they pay child support? Any financial assistance other than your ex allowing you to share in the expenses of his place? If the answer is no, you owe them nothing. Children are a privilege and a responsibility, not a right. 


3. Is switching therapists not an option? Either find a way to convey your concerns to your therapist better and communicate how you're truly feeling and what you need from him, or inform him that he is inadequate for your needs and seek to transfer to a more competent therapist. It might not be the option you'd think of or choose first, but sometimes counselors and therapists associated with some churches or who have religious backgrounds have better resources and better success rates with women in your position. Either way, if I was seeing a Dr. that I felt was incompetent, I would seek every avenue I could to address that issue. otherwise It's a waste of money, time, and most of all...further impairing YOUR wellbeing. 


4. Even if you don't bond or love this little boy right now, or even right after he is born, he did not ask to be born. he did not ask to be brought into these circumstances and has literally done NOTHING wrong other than to exist at an inconvenient time. He deserves every ounce of effort you have to protect him inside your womb and out, and be given the best chance at a life of health and happiness you can offer him. I think you fully realize this and that's why aborting him wasn't really on the table for you. In light of that, fighting for him and for the chance to possibly love him in the future, or for another family to love him in the future, is a priority for you right now, along with ensuring your daughter is also in as safe an environment as you can find for her, and loving her just as much. That means making sacrifices of yourself, above and beyond what you think you're capable of. 



5. I see you're living in south jersey. I have some friends/family in that area, and some in north jersey too, if you really need a quick "out" I could make some calls or give you some names to contact. 


The bottom line is: You ARE a mother. Whether you wanted to be one or not, whether you wanted to be one LIKE THIS or not, you are. You have every mother's instinct inside you to do what you need to in caring and providing for your children for as long as you are called on to do it. Trust your gut instincts, even if you tend to second guess them or have trouble doing it because of your past trauma. Know that this is a season, there IS healing for you...in your body and in your spirit and mind, and the road to getting there has and will be rough but I promise. It exists. 


If you want more information on specific resources for single mothers (beyond what has already been posted) we can and will help you. If you just want a hug and "we're pulling for you" we can do that too. 


I'm sorry the people who should be in your support circle have abandoned you - that's rough. But you're not the first woman in this spot, won't be the last, and you can make it work. 

post #22 of 34
Thread Starter 

I feel so guilty for even writing this.  After everyone replies and a lot of time to think I decided to keep him and work things out.  I decided my pride would have to be put on hold while I set up food stamps wic etc so I could make things work.  I went out and bought everything I needed, made a blanket for gunnar james.  Started to look at all the positive rather then negative for the past 2 months he had left inside me.  And what happens?  He dies.  I had a feeling something was wrong the day before my csection.  He wasn't moving as much, I had a bad bad feeling something was terribly wrong.  I called the babies father who actually started to be involved in the last few weeks and he said i was paranoid as did my roommates.  I figured everything would be fine over night.  Apparently I was dead wrong, I was hooked up to monitors and they found a very light heartbeat.  Dr was calling in ultrasound machine showed no heartbeat and slight movements of diaphragm.  He was dead, I could not cry I felt like a hypocrite.  I just stared off into space, they prepped me for surgery I asked to be under heavy sedation.  I didnt hold him, I cried and cried and spent the next 3 days in hospital hating myself.  It is not getting any easier, I think my feelings cause him to die, if only I had accepted him and expressed my love sooner.  There was no known cause of death other than he had pooped in utero and swallowed and choked on it?  Fetal death syndromeI think is that they called it.  I was worried about bonding, wow I had so much love for him and I had no idea.  Gunnar James was born sleeping on 1/12 @ 39 weeks 8lbs 8oz 21 inches long black hair and blue eyes.  He looked so peaceful like he was sleeping.  He was beautiful pink color and chubby.  I felt like I had to update this post because everything I said breaks my heart and wow I dont know what I was thinking all the way back in dec.  Sorry so scattered my brain isnt working, 

post #23 of 34

I am so so sorry.


Please remember this was NOT your fault. Your thoughts did not harm him at all. It was shit luck that this happened. :( I hope you get some counseling to deal with this, and get support from someone IRL too. What a horrible thing to go through alone.

post #24 of 34


Originally Posted by PiggyPiggyOinkOink View Post

I am so so sorry.


Please remember this was NOT your fault. Your thoughts did not harm him at all. It was shit luck that this happened. :( I hope you get some counseling to deal with this, and get support from someone IRL too. What a horrible thing to go through alone.

Exactly. This is not, NOT your fault, and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. You will need a strong support system--if counseling is available to you please seek it. There are people who specialize in helping parents grieve. I know it's probably hard to escape the feeling that you are to blame somehow, only because you felt ambivalent about the baby to start out with, but those feelings of ambivalence are perfectly common and normal, especially given your tough circumstances. They are nothing to feel guilty over, and the last thing you need is more self blame in this situation. You need to be able to grieve your baby at your own pace and in your own way, and I hope you are able to find some peace with yourself. I'm so, so sorry this happened. Sending you much love and care.

post #25 of 34

i am soooo sorry to read this....


i second finding support.  if your hospital didn't give you any info on a support group, you should ask... i'm sure they have one.  and check out the loss forum here on mothering.  it can be very helpful.  please know that it's not your fault!!  bad things happen to babies that are planned too... there is never any sense to it.    


take care of yourself mama...

post #26 of 34

I am so so so sorry.


This was not your fault. In no way could it have been. There is a syndrome because its happened to other women. No one is at fault.


I don't know how to help or express how sorry I am you are going through this. Sending you as much love and prayers as I can.

post #27 of 34
hug.gif I am so sorry. hug.gif It will get better.
post #28 of 34

 Omg I am so so sorry, honey. So deeply sorry about your sweet baby boy. What happened is in NO way your fault!!! Please, please don't blame yourself... sometimes really bad things happen and there is just no explaination. I agree you really should see a therapist to help work out your feelings... I wish there was something better/more I could say, but just know I am so sorry.

post #29 of 34

Oh no...  I am so, so sorry to hear this terrible news.  You have stayed in my thoughts, and I am so sorry to hear this new news.  I agree with the others hoping that you find good support in real life.  In the meantime, we are here grieving with you.  Blessings.

post #30 of 34

I am so sorry mama. 

post #31 of 34



I am so sorry, but this was not your fault in any way, shape or form. It just wasn't. I don't really buy the "babies can tell if you're not bonded to them in utero" line anyway. You gave Gunnar a warm, cosy home inside you, nourishment... everything he needed. As far as his little brain could work out, you were the perfect mother. I'm so sorry you didn't get to meet him, and I know every parent blames herself to some extent when her child dies... but this is a tragedy, NOT karma because of your (totally legitimate and understandable!) mixed feelings about the pregnancy.


Hang in there. Do you have someone taking care of you?

post #32 of 34

My heart breaks for you. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but I will be praying for you. I'm so so sorry.

post #33 of 34

Oh mama! I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't know if there is anything to say except that you are a wonderful mother, doing the best you can. Please take care of yourself, and please seek some support. You need to heal. I wish you strength and love on your journey.

post #34 of 34


Prayers going your way.



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