tantrums in a very spirited 14 m/o

[sosurreal09]

idk HOW to handle these. she has full blown tantrums. shes stubborn as hell and will throw herself down and kick and scream and arch her back and turn beat red for 20+ mins. i try to distract her, i try to sing to her, i try to hold her, wear her, ect ect she just flips out. sometimes nursing will calm her down and sometimes she just wont stop. she has them about everything. today after lunch i washed her up (like always) and we went to get dressed and change the dipe before milk and nap. we do this every single day. well she decided she wanted milk first (she had milk 2 hrs prior) i told her to hold on and just get dressed and we could have milk. the whole time she fought and screamed...the whole way upstairs the whole way to the bed and lying down. so now i felt stupid...do i just give in? its milk time now...so i said to her if you calm down and stop crying mommy will give you milky...and she actually did so thats good, but if i had said that before hand it would have been to early and it would have been too much for her to understand KWIM?

shes ver intelligent for her age and really does understand a lot of what i say and simple directions ect even some complex ones.

so everyone keeps telling me to ignore her tantrums and let her gt it out of her system. is that the same as CIO?

i am very new to GD and havent even read a book on it yet to be honest. so i am wondering how i should handle these tantrums.

also at night some days she will wake 30 mins after going to sleep. she will want to nurse again- which i can understand- but heres the thing...if i nurse her then she will be up every hour or 2 for milk. if i sing and lay down with her even though shes screaming she does "give up" after a while and will cuddle and listen to me sing for 10 mins or so and doze back off then she will only wake every 3-4 hours for milk, and i give it to her.

so do you think its wrong of me to do it that way? its hard hearing her cry but shes always been a huge crier. she cries a lot for her age. when she was born she would cry in the wrap skin to skin with a breast even for 4+ hours a day, at 5 months it cooled down to 2-3 hours a day and at 8 months we cooled down to about 1-2 hours a day. now she cries maybe an hour accumulated. its hard, really hard. everyone comments on how happy she is b/c she is always smiling and she loves people. AP has helped her to be so confident and self-assured. i really love my parenting style and choice - im not blaming that for it at all. shes just very high-needs-spirited...

[mamazee]

My second one doesn't have tantrums, oddly enough.  But my older one was very high needs and had really bad tantrums.  My thought on tanturms is that children need them to learn how to process big emotions and to learn some other things, and that they aren't something to be stopped, but something to be loved through.  So what I did with my dd who had tantrums was to briefly empathize ("You sound angry." and maybe "You really wanted X."), then to tell her I'd be there for her when she needed me, and then to let her get it out of her system safely with no shame or anger from me.  And then when she was done she'd want lots of love, which I would give her.  I will do the same for my younger one if she starts having tantrums at some point.  But anyway I think avoiding tantrums or trying to stop them keeps them from learning the things they're learning through the tantrums and can be counterproductive.  I think it's more about trying to gently move them through the developmental stage where they need tantrums than to stop them from having tantrums.

[sosurreal09]

ok so i should let her have the tantrum and just stay with her during them and say things like you seem upset ect ect. then afterwards just give lots of love? which was really what i was doing anyways. so im doing alright then?

[pianojazzgirl]

It sounds to me like you are doing alright mama.  :)

Your post reminds me of something I posted about when my oldest was a toddler.  We woke up one morning and she found a bowl with a few cheddar bunnies in it (left over from the previous evening).  She was so excited and wanted to eat them, but for some reason I had it in my head that we should eat breakfast first.  When I said no she freaked out.  I didn't know what to do.  I realized that really it wouldn't have been a big deal at all to have just let her eat the cheddar bunnies right away, but I felt like if I changed my mind after having said no it would have been "giving in" to her tantrum.  What the mamas who posted in response said was that it's ok to show our kids that we sometimes make mistakes.  It's important for them to know that we actually are listening to them.  Changing my mind wouldn't have been "weakness" or "feeding her tantrum", but rather saying "you know what... I didn't think carefully enough when I said "no"... actually, now that I give it more thought, I realize that it's not a problem for you to eat a few crackers before breakfast", because the thing is it actually wasn't a big deal.  Different scenario from buying a kid a toy in the store because they're freaking out for it, or something like that yk?  Because it was my mistake in the first place for answering without thinking it through, and to say "yes" was actually perfectly acceptable to me.... and important to my dd.

I'm telling you my little story because I was reminded of it when you wrote about your dd freaking out for milk even though it was "too soon" for milk, and then you worrying that you were "giving in" when you actually gave it to her.  Some food for thought: it can be beneficial to try and get away from thinking in terms of "giving in".  It's ok (good) to listen to your LO, to hear when something is particularly important to her at that moment, and sometimes make exceptions.  Showing her that you *hear* her is so important.  IMO this is entirely different from being manipulated by tantrums into doing things you don't want to do or think are a bad idea.

[pianojazzgirl]

Sorry... forgot something I wanted to say.

Regarding the bedtime nursing-after-30-mins thing, I don't think there is anything wrong in how you are handling it.  It is important to you (sleep is sacred!), and important for her (she gets more sleep as well as a more well-rested mama to be patient and giving all day long), if that first waking is not answered by nursing.  You are not leaving her to CIO.  You are going to her, being with her, comforting her.  Let go of the guilt mama!  :)

[mamazee]

I agree with pianojazzgirl that if something is easily solved and just a mistake on your part, changing your mind and "giving in" is fine and can teach them that we're on their side.  I think though that if it isn't practical to "fix" the issue and you keep running around trying to make things better, you teach your child that every problem they encounter has a solution and that they can always have what they want if they work on it or get upset enough, which is counter productive.  I think an important lesson and a big part of becoming mature is learning that sometimes things don't go how we want, and that it's OK if things aren't always how we want.  I think "mommy instinct" is the best barometer sometimes for how we should react.  Do I wish I'd just let him have the cheddar bunnies?  Give in.  Is it practical to run out to the store to get something she wants?  Don't give in.

[sosurreal09]

TY for the input mamas! i certainly dont view my baby as "manipulating me" i really hate when people say that, DH says she manipulates me. i want to set boundaries obvs. but at the same time i dont want her having any unnecessary "hurt". So if she starts freaking out for milk when we are at the mall and she just had milk 2 hrs ago i give her milk anyway KWIM? i dont really know where im going with this but i guess im just trying to say i certainly want to be reasonable with her and i dont think shes acting out on purpose its just more a lack of communicable skills and frustration.

[starlein26]

Tantrums at that age are hard, and painful to watch...but VERY normal...esp. for intense children.

My middle child is INTENSE and has had INTENSE tantrums most of her life. They have lessened with age...but every few months she has a huge fallout.

My suggestions:

-Make sure she is well fed.

-Make sure she is getting enough sleep.

-Make sure she is getting plenty of choices in her day. And try to make some compromises with her. If she seems genuinely upset about some of your decisions...work with her...meet her halfway.  

[Channelle]

I'm subscribing to this post, because my 11 month old acts so much like this, she has such a bad temper! I have a feeling I'll come back to this post again and again :)

[belltree]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I agree with pianojazzgirl that if something is easily solved and just a mistake on your part, changing your mind and "giving in" is fine and can teach them that we're on their side.  I think though that if it isn't practical to "fix" the issue and you keep running around trying to make things better, you teach your child that every problem they encounter has a solution and that they can always have what they want if they work on it or get upset enough, which is counter productive.  I think an important lesson and a big part of becoming mature is learning that sometimes things don't go how we want, and that it's OK if things aren't always how we want.  I think "mommy instinct" is the best barometer sometimes for how we should react.  Do I wish I'd just let him have the cheddar bunnies?  Give in.  Is it practical to run out to the store to get something she wants?  Don't give in.

Thank you for writing this. I have been struggeling with feeling guilty for not following through when my child has a tantrum. My mom's voice pops up saying "sometimes, as a parent, you just have to stick with it, although you know you did the wrong thing."

I try to give my not yet speaking child a voice, by saying "You are frustrated/upset/hurt/angry" and then giving a quick reason why things are they way they are, if I can. I offer hugs and I do distract them (although my dad's voice pops up saying "Kids need to learn to deal with frustrations; sooner or later he has to live through them. Distraction is the wrong thing to do."

Sometimes it is important to let the child have the possibility to live through the anger and sadness, but sometimes distraction is ok.

I also agree that tantrums are much more likely when he's tired and hungry or sick.