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~*•~*•~ December Dating Thread ~•*~•*~ season of giving... but let's give of ourselves wisely! - Page 2

post #21 of 67

Holland I was just thinking about you and wondering what you were up to.  Nice to hear your "voice".

post #22 of 67

Thanks, Zeta.  It's nice to know someone is thinking about me.  smile.gif

 

After a little fling this summer, that eventually brought me to visit him for a weekend in Chicago, IL, I realized I just wasn't in a good space to be dating.  I was too desperate and wiling to compromise who I was and what I wanted.  I just wasn't strong enough to stand up to the assault of those amazing, intense, rose-colored, out-of-control emotions that happen in the beginnings of a relationship. 

 

I decided to see if I could remain celibate (no flings, no dating, no intimacy, etc) for one year.  It's been about 5 months.  I have my moments of longing... physically and emotionally, but I've been so busy with working, studying and some recent issues coming up for my ds that those moments don't last too long.  If they do, I just recognize and feel them and know that they will pass... nothing stays the same.  

 

Overall, it feels good and I know that in the long run, it will help me stay stronger and make better choice when I do start to date again.   I have really spent a lot of this time, so far, looking at other people's relationships (particularly family and close friends), going through my old journals that chronicle my former relationships and also looking at how relationships are being portrayed in the media.  All three are really helping me to see where many of my 'mistakes' might be stemming from.  There have been some interesting, helpful and scary revelations for me.  bigeyes.gif   But... it is all good, in the long run!    

 

I am definitely still enjoying reading this thread though.  A lot of your experiences resonate for me and I like living in those crazy beginning of the relationship highs through you all!  Thanks for letting me lurk!!!  biggrinbounce.gif

 

Btw:  Chicago is a BEAUITFUL city with amazing restaurants, particularly ethnic restaurant, therefore it was totally worth the trip just for that fact.  The fling was so NOT worth it... what a putz! eyesroll.gif

post #23 of 67
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


 

Anyone on this thread think that my reasoning sounds like rationalization and I'm really a scumbag?

 

I just wanted to give kudos to you, Butterflymom!  I don't think you are rationalizing or a scumbag!  I think you are being very smart. 

 

Although, if you feel ready to make that leap with CAC, perhaps it is a good time to bring up the conversation? 

Thank you so much for the kudos!

I wanna be smart. :D

I am not ready to bind myself into a relationship with Cucumber the way he is at present, no.  If he would start making me feel like things were opening up and we were connecting on a stronger and more intense level, then absolutely.  But often I feel.....lonely.  Like he is giving me 100% of what he knows how to give to someone else, and it's still only 30% of what I'm throwing at him (of myself), and the imbalance seems terribly askew and leaves me feeling sad and bad.  Because I don't wanna be the one who is letting her heart go to a deep and attached place if he's not falling down that rabbit hole (even if at a slow pace) with me.  I'm not sure if he's emotionally available to tumble very deep down that hole with any-one, any-how.

He's extremely warm and congenial and smiling and joking with me constantly and when we are apart keeping in constant flow of electronic communication that is .....pleasant.  But I want intimacy.  Emotional intimacy where I feel like he's my person that lets down his guard/facade, and welcomes me without my bright shiny mask that I put on for others.  We are smiling and pleasant with each other so much that my cheeks hurt.  And the amount of smileys (and superficial 'how are you today?  how are things going? how did you sleep last night?) in his text messages are ridiculous.  I want to get past the first date behavior and relax into what really being wide open and vulnerable, our truest, innermost imperfect selves would feel like, and see if that's a match.

He's never been able to do that with anyone, he openly admits.  He doesn't promise that he can with me, when I discuss this with him.  He sees that the wall between us due to his emotional illiteracy is causing me actual pain.  Like, when I feel overwhelmed with feelings and want to say something gorgeous to him but then stop myself because he's busy teasing and acting chummy (but superficial) with me.  Or when I do say it,  he feels awkward as hell in return and mutters an embarrassed, 'thanks' with a quick apology at his inability to respond better, and big laugh at his own expense about how 'terrible he is at this' in regards to touchy feely words/compliments.  F' that.  I want him to stop making excuses and try.  I keep telling him to start tiny.  Just a simple, 'You're awesome.  I have an amazing time with you.' would do wonders in quelling any insecurity or sadness that my feelings are all one sided.  But even when i express my insecurity or hurt feelings he can't say something completely basic and tiny like that to put my hurt feelings to rest.  I can't tutor him forever on how to be in an emotionally evolved relationship with a romantic partner.  He doesn't seem to be listening or taking the bait to be trained.  He has no problems here and I do.  So I have to change or cut him loose.  But I care very much and I see that he's giving me/this his all.  How can I phrase things another way for him to get how he doesn't have to be cassanova smooth or poetically creative to solve this big problem with the simplest of occasional statements that are a bit more 'drop the uber-casual/cool first date act' and 'go ahead and tell her she's the best and you're feelin' lucky to be out with her tonight so she feels secure that you appreciate her and are totally into her.'

 

It's been 5 months for goodness sakes.  

 

Volleyball Dude & I text everyday...... and he also knows this situation I am in, and understands that I have been seeing a guy this autumn who is emotionally distant and that things are not really going to a place I would hope to be in with a partner.  He agrees that he wants the same thing and.... well he has a touch of babyfever and seems totally positive on the kid/single mom thing, .....whereas Cucumber has reallllly dragged his heels on spending time with my kids and even dragged his heels about meeting me and things when we first met because he was so uneasy about getting involved with a single mother.  Despite Cucumber being a couple years older than me and Volleyball Dude being a couple of years younger, Volleyball seems to be more oriented towards getting himself a family life when he finds the right girl, and Cucumber seems totally hesitant about my children, or talking about having a family of his own someday. 


Seeing Volleyball has really helping me to detach from getting too needy or obsessive about Cucumber.  Even though this post wouldn't belie this new development. :)

post #24 of 67

That is a really difficult situation, Butterfly. 

 

My ex-bf, S, was very similar... seriously, seriously lacking in emotional intimacy and affection.  I tried to work with it for over 18 months and it wasn't always easy.   Although, I did learn so much about myself and the type of relationship I'd like during the process.  But, sometimes, I'd  feel like I had reached a breaking point and then he would say/do something that made me decide to keep trying.  I felt like a bit of a yo-yo.  Eventually, he just came to realize he could never give me what I needed - emotional intimacy - and he was tired of trying.  It just wasn't who he was and he was being honest with himself, which I can respect.   It hurt like hell when he ended the relationship, but I also felt a HUGE amount of relief.

 

Be easy with yourself during this process.  One or both of you will eventually reach a point where you will have a make a step in one direction or another.  If you are not at that point, then you are not at the point.  Perhaps, that means there is still something you need to learn or experience with him... I don't know.  The universe works in mysterious ways.     

post #25 of 67

So there I was...feeling proud of myself for not getting involved with anyone prematurely.  And then it happened.  Darn. 

 

Let's call him "Cyclist" - every time we were together we had such a great time, he did great with my little one, he pretty much begged me to meet his father who came to visit him (to Flagstaff, AZ) from upstate NY (and which I did during the past 2 weeks), we finished each other's sentences....sigh.    So I started daydreaming about him.....you know, the mental movies of how things will play out.  I tried to stop but couldn't.   Tonight I deleted his phone # from my phonebook, all his texts and calls to make sure I don't call him again.  We had planned a date tonight and he pulled a no call no show.  I don't feel like getting into the details right now, let's just say it didn't feel good.  I didn't put myself totally out there, so he didn't know how I really felt....but I did.  I'm gonna give this a night to blow over and then I'll get back to my usual happy-go-lucky self.  It just sucks to feel the disappointment.  I guess it's just part of the dating game. 

post #26 of 67

Oh crap, LorenaAZ!  That sucks.  Sounds horrible. I am glad you think you'll bounce back quickly, and I hope you do.  Sorry for the disappointment.

post #27 of 67
Thread Starter 
Lorena, that sucks!
But your attitude rocks.
post #28 of 67
Thread Starter 

Holland, I appreciate your empathy.  It does sound like a very similar situation, and I don't see any moves from Cucumber to step up and make me feel cherished. It's only 5 months in, so perhaps the more important issue is that I don't quite imagine that he is capable of ever doing so in the future, either.  I'm detaching from the outcome completely were this is concerned, at this point.  I really am.  I still feel there is so much potential with him and he is an amazing, awe-inspiring person that I am lucky to have in my life. 

 

He took us Christmas tree shopping and had dinner with us and was around for tree decorating.  I didn't see him really engaging with the kids, but then again, he had a 12 hour work day and was kinda fried.  I dunno, I'm not analyzing it much.  It was a nice day and nice evening and nice to see him and see him not shying away from me with my kids around me.

 

But then, I asked him to come by later for a snuggle after the boys were asleep (he lives 5 miles away), and he declined and went to bed very early instead.  Hadn't really had a nice snuggle with him in 4 days so I didn't feel thrilled that he was ambivalent about seeing me alone for a bit of re-connect time.  Last time I asked he declined as well.  I dunno.

 

I made plans via email to see Volleyball in three days for a twirl around the public ice skating rink and a hot chocolate to warm up afterwards.  Since I was sitting alone by the Christmas tree with the kids asleep, (and no one willing to come by to snuggle up on the couch and give me a hug) I texted with Volleyball a bit, and that led to him calling me up to continue the dialogue over the phone.  We spoke for 2 hours and 16 minutes, about many things.  It was really fun.  He complimented my voice and also that he thought my smile and laugh were very beautiful.  Unfortunately, in this scenario, I'm afraid he's the one who's too good looking for me.  I know I said that about Cucumber, and it's true, Cucumber's very good looking.  But this guy's ridiculously dreamy (and has other qualities to match in terms of being kind, close with his family, desiring one of his own, and an extremely intelligent, goal-oriented guy, etc.... ) I can't quite grasp how he would be waxing about the beauty of my smile and the lovely sound of my laughter.   He went out with a girlfriend of mine a couple years ago, just a few dates, and I checked things through her and she had only glowing things to say about him.  It's nice to have a reference.   I'm looking forward to ice skating with him in a few days and getting to know him better.  Maybe it'll go nowhere, but a long phone call with warm feelings afterwards is a nice way to detach from Cucumber outcomes..... :) 

 

Thanks for listening, guys.

post #29 of 67
Thread Starter 

I posted some pics in private. :)

post #30 of 67

Butterflymom,

 

I hope one day you'll find happiness and the 'perfect' guy.  It is kind of sad that you tend to see things that are 'wrong' with all the guys you go out with.  Perhaps it is time for you to find something to focus your life on besides men and dating?

post #31 of 67
Thread Starter 
Just because all I write about on the dating thread is, well, dating, doesn't mean I have nothing else in my life that I focus on or put energy into. I am a mom, too, (only a third of the time, but still my entire life is built around them). I've also started a new company, I have many friends, and family that I visit and who visits me. I've also been singing in a band this autumn, organizing playdates for my kids, and have been able to do some interesting global travel to places I'd never been.

But yeah, thanks for popping by the dating thread to tell me to stop analyzing potential partners. I guess we can't all meet someone right for us at the pool a few weeks after splitting up from our husbands. Some of us hyper-critical women just love to shred every man because we are waiting for sheer perfection to drop out of the heavens and will settle for nothing less. Yup, that's me, you saw straight through my facade of 'trying to find a healthy and lasting, happy relationship with a potential domestic partner,' and into the real core of the matter here. Well done, Holly.
post #32 of 67

How many of you dated before your divorce was final? Me and XH are still legally married but have been physically separated 3 months. I am filing the paperwork Monday but we agreed to divorce 2 months ago and have a mediation agreement in place. Honestly I feel like I have been detaching from XH for so long, and that we have never had healthy emotional intimacy. I feel like our marriage has been over for at least the whole of our separation and am fine with him dating or doing whatever he wants, if he wants to.

 

I'm not interested in "dating" as in anything that might evolve into a LTR, but I have a male friend who I've known for many years with whom I have the option of having a casual physical relationship with. I've gotten mixed reviews from friends--most seem to think that there's no problem, that the paperwork and legality of our divorce is a formality and that I have no more commitment to XH. A few think it would be wise for me to wait.

 

I feel a few reservations but inclined to go ahead and have fun--my feeling is that it could be a welcome occasional distraction and stress release. I know it's "soon," but I also know that this would truly be a casual situation that would be solely between me and said friend.

post #33 of 67

x


Edited by SummerLove - 12/17/10 at 3:36pm
post #34 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post



Just because all I write about on the dating thread is, well, dating, doesn't mean I have nothing else in my life that I focus on or put energy into. I am a mom, too, (only a third of the time, but still my entire life is built around them). I've also started a new company, I have many friends, and family that I visit and who visits me. I've also been singing in a band this autumn, organizing playdates for my kids, and have been able to do some interesting global travel to places I'd never been.

But yeah, thanks for popping by the dating thread to tell me to stop analyzing potential partners. I guess we can't all meet someone right for us at the pool a few weeks after splitting up from our husbands. Some of us hyper-critical women just love to shred every man because we are waiting for sheer perfection to drop out of the heavens and will settle for nothing less. Yup, that's me, you saw straight through my facade of 'trying to find a healthy and lasting, happy relationship with a potential domestic partner,' and into the real core of the matter here. Well done, Holly.
 


 

BRAVO Butterfly Moon...my jaw dropped when I read her reply...I lurk here all the time and just couldn't not respond.  Hold out for the right one...

 


 

post #35 of 67
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerLove View Post

I am divorced as of one month. I have a friend from school (university where I attend), who we are still just friends, but we are attracted to each other and have considered more. So, I have a difficult question to ask.. am I suppose to date around a lot before starting something with someone that I actually could see myself with.. or do I just wait out for the one that one I can see myself with? I really am clueless here. One part of me thinks that it would be healthy to go out and get to know more people, and another part of me doesn't want to even bother with that whole scene at all... I'm not considering being in a relationship with him *yet* but the possibility in the future is there.

Every time you meet someone that you feel is special and could be someone you could feel something special for, I think you should go for it.  No matter the timing in relationship to how long since you divorced.  But then again, I'm a hardcore romantic and I feel that every single opportunity that you discover for something truly special and beautiful in life is rare and never to be thrown out without extremely good cause.  I don't see a great cause here.  Pursue him, and whether or not it leads to a lasting relationship is anyone's guess.  At least you will never regret not pursuing it.  In the end, we usually regret the opportunities *not* taken far more than the ones we chose to explore, especially if you are going in with such good intentions.  Good luck.
 

 

chicaalegre, I never heard anything convincing about how celibacy was an integral part of surviving a trying emotional time like a divorce/fresh after a divorce.  Lean on the friendship of your girlfriends, eat chocolate, go to the gym and find an exercise routine you love that energizes you, take some time off work or think of holiday with/without the kids or buy some new clothes or get a makeover (whatever you can afford in this department), engage in something casual with a friend, seek reasonable sources of dopamine and endorphins.  It's what we all do to survive stressful and trying times.  You've been lonely for a long time in that marriage, and you don't need to inflict a arbitrary period of physical-contact-ban on yourself just because someone else thinks you should.  Take care of yourself the best you can to keep your spirits up, and you'll get through this period and just as importantly, be the best mother you can be for your kids who are also going through something right now too.  This time in your life is no fun, and certainly, the other side of this coin, (withdrawing/closing off and sinking into depression), is a common scenario we've all witnessed a newly divorced mama go through and much I'd rather see you err on the side of avoiding that, rather than feel guilty about having some healthy stress relief in your life and seeking closeness and contact and fun from your friends, in platonic as well as non-platonic ways.  No shame, mama.  You're a woman, too.  Go for it.

post #36 of 67
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FutureMom3410 View Post


 

BRAVO Butterfly Moon...my jaw dropped when I read her reply...I lurk here all the time and just couldn't not respond.  Hold out for the right one...

 


 



Thanks very much, FutureMom3410.  I appreciate that!  If I've learned one thing from getting away from a psychologically abusive husband who belittled me and tried to make me doubt myself, and finally standing up to him (and his powerful family in their court system and fighting two years with every odd stacked against me, as hard as I can),  for my boys' sake is.....  nobody puts Butterfly in a corner.  My sons will never grow up thinking that their mother is a weak, pushover type (the way I was during their first few years) and have that affect their view of women in general.  

 

I'm holding out.  I'm seeking smart.  I know what I want and deserve and what I have to offer the right man, who I will have more children with.  I will hold out for the right partner, the second time around, that's for sure.  I'm not 22 anymore and I won't allow anyone to hold me under their thumb or treat me with disdain.  I have no time for that, I've evolved past that, and I am honored these last 5 months to have a gentleman and warm/patient sweetheart like Cucumber in my life, who is a rare find indeed, a man with a heart of gold, and quite serious about me.  Whether or not we are a permanent match (or very good friends) totally remains to be seen, but I'm learning how to not stress about that, and enjoy the moment.

 

Cucumber came over last night and we snuggled for hours and I just sniffed him.  He smells yummy.    Enjoying the moment.

post #37 of 67



x


Edited by SummerLove - 12/17/10 at 3:36pm
post #38 of 67



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by FutureMom3410 View Post


 

BRAVO Butterfly Moon...my jaw dropped when I read her reply...I lurk here all the time and just couldn't not respond.  Hold out for the right one...

 


 



Thanks very much, FutureMom3410.  I appreciate that!  If I've learned one thing from getting away from a psychologically abusive husband who belittled me and tried to make me doubt myself, and finally standing up to him (and his powerful family in their court system and fighting two years with every odd stacked against me, as hard as I can),  for my boys' sake is.....  nobody puts Butterfly in a corner.  My sons will never grow up thinking that their mother is a weak, pushover type (the way I was during their first few years) and have that affect their view of women in general.  

 

I'm holding out.  I'm seeking smart.  I know what I want and deserve and what I have to offer the right man, who I will have more children with.  I will hold out for the right partner, the second time around, that's for sure.  I'm not 22 anymore and I won't allow anyone to hold me under their thumb or treat me with disdain.  I have no time for that, I've evolved past that, and I am honored these last 5 months to have a gentleman and warm/patient sweetheart like Cucumber in my life, who is a rare find indeed, a man with a heart of gold, and quite serious about me.  Whether or not we are a permanent match (or very good friends) totally remains to be seen, but I'm learning how to not stress about that, and enjoy the moment.

 

Cucumber came over last night and we snuggled for hours and I just sniffed him.  He smells yummy.    Enjoying the moment.

 

This post is just awesome...your strength, intelligence, and passion shines through...

 

The moment is all we are guaranteed with...savor it.

 

post #39 of 67

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post

Butterflymom,

 

I hope one day you'll find happiness and the 'perfect' guy.  It is kind of sad that you tend to see things that are 'wrong' with all the guys you go out with.  Perhaps it is time for you to find something to focus your life on besides men and dating?



Seriously, Holly? C'mon.

 

We NEED to pay attention to the things that are wrong with the people we date.  We NEED to be choosy.  That doesn't mean that any one person has to BE perfect, but the person who gets lucky enough to be with me long term, better be perfect FOR ME.

 

And you know we all set the bar in different places, and different aspects of a person's personality and life situation are more or less important to each of us.

 

And some of us are more willing to wait, to be single, enjoy our lives, and enjoy DATING, without having to rush into settling down with the first person who is willing to stay.  Some of us are too afraid of being alone and just want to be with SOMEONE.

 

We're all different, and we're all at different places in our lives and our journeys.

 

We all know what they say about living in glass houses, and I'm pretty sure we're ALL living in a glass house, of one kind or another.

 

Be gentle with each other, Mamas.

 

post #40 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by FutureMom3410 View Post


 

BRAVO Butterfly Moon...my jaw dropped when I read her reply...I lurk here all the time and just couldn't not respond.  Hold out for the right one...

 


 



Thanks very much, FutureMom3410.  I appreciate that!  If I've learned one thing from getting away from a psychologically abusive husband who belittled me and tried to make me doubt myself, and finally standing up to him (and his powerful family in their court system and fighting two years with every odd stacked against me, as hard as I can),  for my boys' sake is.....  nobody puts Butterfly in a corner.  My sons will never grow up thinking that their mother is a weak, pushover type (the way I was during their first few years) and have that affect their view of women in general.  

 

I'm holding out.  I'm seeking smart.  I know what I want and deserve and what I have to offer the right man, who I will have more children with.  I will hold out for the right partner, the second time around, that's for sure.  I'm not 22 anymore and I won't allow anyone to hold me under their thumb or treat me with disdain.  I have no time for that, I've evolved past that, and I am honored these last 5 months to have a gentleman and warm/patient sweetheart like Cucumber in my life, who is a rare find indeed, a man with a heart of gold, and quite serious about me.  Whether or not we are a permanent match (or very good friends) totally remains to be seen, but I'm learning how to not stress about that, and enjoy the moment.

 

Cucumber came over last night and we snuggled for hours and I just sniffed him.  He smells yummy.    Enjoying the moment.



The bolding is mine... But I so hear you Butterfly!  Amazing strength and just awesome post!

 

I have a date coming up on Saturday...  I know many have views that a woman should wait "x" amount of time after a divorce... and there are some that think a woman with young children shouldn't be thinking of dating at all... so I hope I don't get flamed here.  Beleive me, my children are my life.  They are what helped me escape my abusive ex in the first place.

 

I have hope, I have strength, and I have new wisdom.  I have been in counseling for almost 2 years.  I have learned why I have picked the men I have, and I am determined to never ever fall into the trap again.  I know I'm going to be severely cautious this time around, not only for myself, but also for my children. 

 

I've definitely been catching flack from my Mom.  She is terrified I'm going to pick another loser and rush into things.  I have no intention to do either. 

 

I don't want to rush into anything, and I do NOT want to settle for anything.  I've done so much settling and ignored so many signs and have allowed so many to take advantage of me and abuse me over the years.  This WILL not happen again. 

 

Hmm... sorry for going off on a tangent.  lol  But yeah, the thought of being single and not dating for years is just not for me.  I'm a people person and a very intimate person.  I need adult time.  And with ex taking the both kids EOW now, I have some time.  And in that time, I would like to breath and have some fun, and remember I'm more than just a Mother... I am a woman with so many unique facets to share with someone.

 

I met a guy on a dating site, and he isn't the first person I have talked to.  I've been very selective in just talking to someone.  And we have a bunch of interests in common and he makes me laugh a lot.  I think he will be fun to hang out with.  He knows a bit of my situation and he hasn't tried to "save" me yet... which is a good thing.  All the abusers I have been with all offered to "save" me from the crappy living at my parents house, and that happend in a pretty fast time frame.  We have normal conversations, I don't feel any rush or pressure with him so far.  I have my mind wide open for the various flags I have read about in the abuse books.

 

I've never actually dated before.  lol  I know that probably sounds ridiculous.  But I've always just fallen into these exclusive relationships by knowing someone through mutual friends/acquaintences, and the relationship would usually fast track to exclusivity and living together, and then eventually end in my being abused... so this is all something totally new for me. 

 

I've actually found myself wondering a lot about our conversations.  I'm so used to things getting so serious and heavy so fast and me being "swept off my feet by someone seemingly to care so deeply...", and him and I still very causal just BSing about our various hobbies.  It's a nice change.  A really nice change.

 

And the empowered feeling?  This amazing feeling of knowing I can say NO!  That I don't have to get serious so quickly.  That I don't have to settle.  That it's okay to end things if a deal breaker comes up.  I've been a co-dependent so long... breaking out of this "must please others" thing and actually thinking about what is best for me... it's pretty amazing.

 

So yeah... those are some of my thoughts on the dating thing.  lol

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