Hi all, hope you've been having a lovely Christmas time. Butterflymom, that's awesome that you are in a better space with Cucumber, more accepting and enjoying him as he is...for now at least! LorenaAz, that's amazing that Cyclist said he wants to be with you forever!! that's almost better than the 'L' word I'd say... pretty exciting. and Phoenix-Mama, yes really good sign that Tech Guy remembers those details of your life. LCG has admitted to me he has a terrible memory and I often have to repeat myself, (and he repeats himself too) which is kinda annoying but he's a very good listener so I know he is taking it in at the time at least! A pity you have to wait three weeks to see Tech Guy again, is that just down to childcare etc? I am dreading 6 weeks apart from LCG in Feb/March when we have overlapping holidays in other countries (if we're still together then - we' ve been talking about even 'the summer' so I hope so! But you just never know)
Well my Christmas weekend with LCG was everything I hoped for and more. We just have such a great time together, whether its taking very long nature walks (which we did a lot of), or watching X-Factor and laughing at the ridiculous judges and contestants, or having deep soulful conversations or...the rest is X-rated I'm afraid! He is very affectionate and compliments me a lot, which is great cos I so need that. I'll admit right now I think I am in love with him. Haven't felt this way since I was 21 and met the big love of my life - I fell in love with DS's dad 5 years ago, sure, but it was never that incredible, you-feel-it's-so-completely-right, you just want to be with them all the time kind of feeling. So, this both excites and terrifies me out of my head!! LCG has said he is ****ting himelf with fear about how he is feeling about me, and that he has thought about whether I am 'the one'. He said he is serious about me, could easily fall in love with me but he's taking it slow and careful b/c he doesn't want either of our hearts broken and also has DS in mind - as in, us being together will ultimately involve a second person that he has a relationship with, who would be affected by how it turns out.
He seems to have withdrawn now as the last conversation I had with him (I left yesterday morning and spoke to him this morning - he rang me) was very neutral and as if he was just talking to a friend. I said I missed him and he just said 'That's good'. Hhmm. And he sent me a very neutral email with a photo that he'd taken of me this weekend, but again no mention of anything lovey-dovey, which would be fine if that was how he was all along - but its just a contrast. ALthough he said he is so scared of having his heart broken, and that he's 'hiding that behind a fear that he'll break my heart', he also said he's somewhat afraid of me being 'needy' b/c my emotional needs are not met at home as a single mom - he is childless with an excellent friends network so he always has company whenever he wants it (which I must admit I'm jealous of!)
Itr true, neediness has come up big time - have also had a MASSIVE 'come-down' from the whole loved up weekend, coming back to my life as a single mom here, feeling so lonely and down. Starting to feel a lot better now though. HOw do you all cope with the contrast? It's so massive - between having your emotional needs met and being able to follow your heart and enjoy yourself, being a WOMAN in every way, to having to essentially put yourself and your needs on the back burner while meeting your child's? (mine is 3, so the need is still massive). On Sat night when I was at his, he had to go to a family dinner that we'd decided I wouldn't come to, and I was fine about it but ended up getting really maudlin while he was away, all my old feelings of abandonment coming up - from my dad as well as past partners. God, years of personal development and still this ****!
THanks for listening. It is so so so much harder being in a new relationship when you have a child....I must admit it's so hard to not feel resentful and sad about it.