Just realized I am doing to my dd what my Mother used to do to me, EEEK!

[Ravensong13]

Growing up it seemed my mother was OBSESSED with making me fit in. Every difference I had or behavior that caused me to stick out was squashed quickly, not because she really cared, but because she was worried about 'what other people would think of me'. 

I took dd to story and music time at the library today for the first time. We were a little late and came in right before they started doing a song. All the little kids were doing the actions that the librarian was doing, and there was my little girl, twirling like a mad woman and trying to tap dance My mind suddenly rushed to figure out how to tell her to settle down. I started thinking, oh the other mothers must think she is hyperactive or something, I'm going to get dirty looks. Then I thought, oh god, what am I doing?! She's not hurting anyone, who cares what they think? She loves to dance and was SO proud of herself! I never realized that I do this often in group settings with dd and I need to stop it now. So crazy how things our parents do to us that we hate can crop up again in our own behavior when we have children, huh?

[AllisonR]

The fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree. You know sometimes I think or say something my mom said and then stop myself and realize it is rubbish. But occasionally I think or say something and then it dawns on my my mother was right. Then I have to smile.

My 2 cents: Absorb the good things your mom had to offer, throw out the bad, and find your own way. And never say never - it will only come to bite you in the arse.

[goinggreengirl]

Your DD will thank you for not doing this to her, I'm sure! My mom tried very hard to not do the things her mother did to her and she succeeded. When I was a teen, I realized how much my grandmother nagged and I am SO glad my mom never did (or does) that to us!

[Marsupialmom]

I wouldn't say it was just trying to make her fit in....but following directions and participation in this situation would be a goal.  

There is sometimes you want and need your child to fit in.  In this situation, I feel it would be appropriate to encourage your child to follow the activity.  That is why you are there.  

Now it you were freaking over her clothes verses trying to get her to join in then yes it would be like your mom.  There is nothing wrong to encourage participation when you go to activities.  You can say, "I love your dancing but right now we are doing XYZ.  We/you can dance later." Then give her opportunity.   

These finger games help fine motor skills and are important as gross.  

I would also talk to the librarian to encourage more gross motor skill activities if the room allows :) So all the kids can wiggle their butts.  

[Ravensong13]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom 

There is sometimes you want and need your child to fit in.  In this situation, I feel it would be appropriate to encourage your child to follow the activity.  That is why you are there.  

I don't think I explained the situation well. It was a song and dance time about ducks. All the other kids chose to dance like the librarian and she chose to make up her own dance. It wasn't a, 'you have to sit and just use your hands while I sing this song with no music' kind of activity. She's surprisingly good at following those kinds of directions, but give her free dance time and she goes into her own little world. My reaction was to try and get her to simply follow to fit in, when there was no real expectation on her to do so other than my own.

[Llyra]

My own mother was like that-- she actively discouraged any interest I had that was "unusual," and went out of her way to prevent me wearing things that were different from the other kids. It was especially bad during my preteen and early teen years. I find myself struggling against the impulse to do the same, all the time. I know in my head it's the wrong way, and my heart knows it too, but sometimes I find myself acting automatically-- and realize that I'm totally off-base.

I take consolation in the fact that at least I'm AWARE of the issue. My own mother was totally unconscious of what she was doing, or even believed she was doing "right."

[Ravensong13]

I do really love my mother though... I feel I have to add, lol. I know it is an issue that has been passed down from her mother and seems to become diluted with each generation. It's nice to see I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

[Marsupialmom]

Ok, that is different.  I thought it was more along the lines of finger plays and the such --were the child is more expected to follow the leader. 

((((hugs)))) She is young enough, it won't matter.  You can do better next time.  :) Learn from this and move on, don't guilt yourself. 

[swd12422]

I feel ya. I love my mom dearly, and if anyone asked me I'd swear she always encouraged us to be ourselves. But really, she genuinely cannot understand the attraction I have to certain things (outdoor activity of any kind, for example) and frequently jokes that I can't possibly be her daughter b/c some of my interests/views differ so greatly from hers that she knows she couldn't have taught me that. It does make me feel isolated from her and there are things in my lifestyle now that I'd never tell her b/c she wouldn't understand (little things, like not using disposable paper products or chemical cleaners (we were raised on Clorox), etc). And yet, I am really self-conscious about how others (including strangers) view my son, as if it's a total reflection on me. (And I know it's not. He has his own personality and his own will and I have very little control over that.) Rationally, I know it doesn't matter. He is who he is, and I need to support that. But emotionally, I've been conditioned to worry about who thinks what. I hate it. Thanks for reminding me that I have this issue to deal with, b/c I do need to keep working on it!