Just depressed

[meandmine]

So many of you have such trauma going on ...

feels trivial to post, but I have to say it "out loud" somewhere.

I am just so depressed ... pretty much all the time.

I function.  I work (supposedly love my job; am quite good at it).  I do the laundry, feed the kids (not as well as I'd like), managed the sale and purchase of a home, moved to this teeny tiny house (that's kinda depressing, frankly), but I wake up depressed every morning.

So much is technically good -- moved jobs so now I have a 6 minute commute, my work hours are reasonable except I have to bring work home.

I don't know ... it just all seems too much and I resent all the kids' activities that have us out 3-5 nights a week, and the work I have to bring home, and the tiny (cold) house, and the X.

I just can't seem to get past this and think positively.

So, there ... just saying it out loud here because there is nowhere irl I can say it.  Got to keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it, etc.

Thanks for listening.

M

[hillymum]

Hugs! No moan is too small or quiet that it can not be heard. It souds like you have a lot on your plate and you have done a lot on your own. It also sounds like your not getting any kind of breaks? Is there any chance of making real friends at work? Or neighbours at your new home? If not then can you find a singles support group? Here is a great place to get support but nothing beats a good chat with a friend.

[MissLotus]

First of all, I'm impressed about you buying a home yourself.  That is something I'd love to accomplish, and it is an accomplishment.  Small and cold... those are not ideal conditions, but the cold will pass at least.  It's yours to keep, to sell when you decide, etc.  It sounds like the day to day grind is getting to you - is there a way to lighten the load of after school activities?  Such as the kids can pick one sport or whatever per semester?  It's okay to limit that stuff.  And this time of year is rather gloomy - just ride this out!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by meandmine 

Got to keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it, etc. 

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! i absolutely DO NOT buy into this philosophy at ALL!!! it means the death of yourself. and that is the biggest mistake that truly affects our kids.

WHY? why are you depressed? do some deep soul searching.

is it SAD? could it be thyroids?

what inspires you? what one thing, at least ONE thing you do for YOURSELF everyday. just one thing. for you the person not you the mom or worker or any other hats you wear.

your life is in YOUR hands. and only YOU can make the changes. no one else can make it. it CAN be done. you CAN do it and somehow once that passes its gone forever never coming back to that degree.

i wonder if you have been taking care of YOURSELF as the rest of things you've had to take care of.

unless its physical or medical there is no reason for you to spend your moments in depression with no inpiration.

my xmil helped me with this. everyday she would call me and ask me what ONE thing i did for myself that day. and i'd start and she'd say i'm not asking about meemee the mom, but just meemee. it took me a while to get it. but it slowly started opening doors as i started understanding what she said.

and then once i got it, around this time many years ago it completely changed my life - the way how i looked at life would never be the same again.

[meandmine]

the way how i looked at life would never be the same again.

This I know I need to do

I think seeing the positive, being grateful, counting my blessings ...

I know that and I am trying positive self-talk as much as possible.

I don't think I am clinically depressed; doubt there is any chemical issue.  I am just depressed, but functional.  And you would NEVER know I am depressed at work -- omg, I am pretty upbeat at work (unless you catch me first thing in the morning when I resent being there before contract hours for meetings).

Thanks for being a safe place to be honest about how it is.  If I were this honest irl my friends would have all fled from me by now -- it is depressing being around depressing people, ya know :-).

Here's to a good day for everyone, especially those of you going through real trauma.  I will keep you in my prayers!

M

[Oh the Irony]

It sounds like it could be grief to me. There are SO many things to grieve. Grief and stress. I don't remember your story. How long since divorce or separation? How many kids and how old?

I would suggest to start scaling back on kids activities. I find it grueling. It disrupts any attempt to normalize a schedule, interferes with homework, meals, and bedtime. When you have to keep going like that all day long every day it is exhausting and I find the routine and monotony of it drive me out of my mind. I know that may not be possible right now as they are in the midst of things but in the future I would limit them a bit--or get them involved in solutions like car pooling so you don't have to drive every time.

I find I have to be really gentle with myself. Treat myself like I would want a friend to. You have a lot on your plate. Divorce, move, new job etc are major stressful events even when they are desired events--if they weren't then it adds another layer. Have ytou seen those charts that give stress points to life events? You would score really high.

Do you get down time on weekends? Is the kid's dad involved?

And yeah, the stiff upper lip doesn't really cut it. You have to work through this stuff or it just goes into hiding. Some random suggestions:

1) Counseling. If you can afford it do it!

2) Anti-depressants. I'm not a huge fan in general, but found with myself that they helped me get back on track. They helped me get out of the hole and pick myself up. The natural stuff didn't cut it. I used for about 3-4 months, got off and could tell that it made some changes.

3) Journaling. Write all these thoughts down. The ugly stuff. Get it out and then write a page about what you are grateful for.

4) Self-care. Got to do something for yourself. Have you gotten a new hobby since the divorce? Need something for you.

5) Work on house. Figure out what would make it better for you. You can't change the size right now but what can make it feel like home?

6) Are the kids involved in household stuff?

It can be really overwhelming at times. Admit that to yourself. You are doing a lot. I've been in overwhelm before (and probably will be again!) but things are good now.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by meandmine 

I think seeing the positive, being grateful, counting my blessings ...

I know that and I am trying positive self-talk as much as possible.

you know m&m its all about the doing - not so much the talking.

hey you have more guts than we do. many of us call it a funk (seen all those posts in Personal Growth) but you straight go out and call it depresion.

i dont know how one can be positive, grateful and counting your blessings when you DONT really see life as a blessing you know. you have to let that come naturally - not force it.

actually funnily it was this time that i actually came out of my funk. i was doing everything i could, everything that i COULD do. i would take myself out for coffee or lunch depenidng on finances when ex had dd. i'd go for a walk with dd. i was taking classes in jewelry making. i would go into stores i had spent years wanting to but didnt thinking it was tooo expensive. what was the greatest treaure there.- the stafff. super nice people. and there were things i COULD afford.

and when i realised i changed - happened suddenly and on a walk with dd. i'd force myself and go for a walk. i'd listen to my inner voice and go to the city next door. i still remember one morning looking at the wet branches outside my door. the water droplets on it. i'd discovered thee beauty of winter. the silence, the peace. the kinda meditative moment. like winter is all about curling up and resting. taking a break. introspection. tranquility. and as i was looking out dd joined me. and we started talking. we got all excited and startes saying hey look at that, and at that moment i truly understood what the concept of 'maya' was. we were both looking out of hte same window at the same scene outside. i could see nothing but the raindrops on the trees and the grey sky, dd was focused on the colours of the leavles and the puddles in the parking lot next door. at that moment i had a whole body reaction as my life changed forever. i realised two things. 1. that we only see what we want to see, anything else for us just does not exist. 2. that no mattere what happens in my life, no matter how hard it gets - i have the beauty of nature to always go to.

and it was only THEN that i started becoming thankful for what i have. then i started understanding myself. and i started volunteering and discovered my interests. i became an activist - and OH Mama!!!! My life is wonderful. from the inside. i am truly having the time of my life. on paper my life looks terrible. its wonderful because both dd and i chose our life of poverty together. amazing things happen. how can i not be grateful you know.

i shared a little bit about this mama, because of your words. many people spew that around making it sound so easy. i tried it and i felt sooo guilty. like as if i should be grateful for what i have - but oh boy, i couldnt. i want you to realise that it can be acheived as long as you WANT to. its about doing not talking. many love where you are. my roommate drives me up the wall sometimes. he complains, complains, complains. has a TONNE of time on his hands, but does v. v. little except watch tv. what a waste.

i took whatever opportunity came my way. never let anyone go. and i discovered new things about myself. i am excited for you. you dont wnat to be in the funk. THAT is the first step. now you have to discover what your road is going to look like by trying different things. btw in most of my activities my dd came with me - even meditation at 3. there was childcare available but she prefered being with me so' she'd fall asleep. it really has bonded us together.

[doubledutch]

(((hug))) it really does sound like too much, and your feelings are understandable.  i'm wondering if some activities can be dropped, and maybe what can be done to help your house feel more cozy, so that you have a welcoming retreat from your busy life in the outside world.

[meandmine]

God, I just love you guys!

Thanks for being here!

I thought after I vented I'd have a better day.

Today was the PITS!  And I am SO crunched right now between a) having to work late (only teacher available for drama club), b) rushing to pick up kids (afraid I was gonna be late because of a)), c) rushing to McD's so I could go back to school and try to plan lessons (with kids in tow) before d) rushing to pick up another child and head to Brownie meeting (required appearance at co-leader).

I still have an hour or two of work ahead of me after I get the kids to bed which I need to sign off to do -- now!  :-)

So, it will be a better day (PLEASE!!!) tomorrow.

M

[McGucks]

Whoa, lady, your hands are way full.  The night activities sound like a killer for sure.  A few thoughts--you've probably heard that thing about practicing saying "no" to extra ANYTHINGS.  Also, when faced with two decision, the easier of the two may well be the right way to go (not always, but I've found that to be a mighty good principle).  Depression can stem from so many things.  I was drunk for a year on and off after my divorce in '99 due to the enormous grief process that follows a divorce.  If there is anything you can do to decrease your stress, improve your sleep, take care of yourself...stuff along those lines, honey.  Be good to yourself.  Respect the challenges you have weathered and honor yourself for having made it.  Ask for help from people who you wouldn't mind accepting it from, and remember that asking for help can be an act of kindness...we all need to feel needed.  I've been there.  Don't give up hope and don't hesitate to find a nurturer in the form of a wonderful friend, counselor, anybody who feels right to you.  Women are just so strong and can be foundations for much healing.

[thefragile7393]

I'm not going to say my problems are worse then yours by any means, eeryone has difficulty and what's hard for one isn't hard for the other.  I lost my job recently, have only half support from kids' dad (he works part time) and having an extremely hard time getting a job.  I rarely get a break.....their dad lives in another state so it's not like there's a parent nearby to share.  I feel like I"m going off my rocker sometimes.  And I get very depressed a lot....about my financial situation, marital situation.....I need to be more positive as well and FIND the positves.

[Holland73]

i have periods like these. 

I find that when fight against it or beat myself up for feeling those feelings, it just gets worse and/or continues. 

One day, while reading one of my favorite Buddhist bloggers, she wrote this:  "When life gives you lemons, let the lemons be. Sour has a sweetness all its own, and a season, like all seasons, that doesn't last."   It reminded me that it is OK be depressed, angry, resentful, etc... AND it will change!  Nothing stay the same, everything changes.   

As soon as I am able to accept and embrace how I am feeling, things - sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly - begin to shift.

  Be gentle with yourself, you have a lot on your plate!  

[ihugtrees]

Originally Posted by Holland73 

i have periods like these. 

I find that when fight against it or beat myself up for feeling those feelings, it just gets worse and/or continues. 

One day, while reading one of my favorite Buddhist bloggers, she wrote this:  "When life gives you lemons, let the lemons be. Sour has a sweetness all its own, and a season, like all seasons, that doesn't last."   It reminded me that it is OK be depressed, angry, resentful, etc... AND it will change!  Nothing stay the same, everything changes.   

As soon as I am able to accept and embrace how I am feeling, things - sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly - begin to shift.

  Be gentle with yourself, you have a lot on your plate!  

What a great quote. I'm not the OP but feel the same...just SO depressed. I need to read some Buddhist blogs to cheer me up! Care to PM me yours @Holland73?

[Ceinwen]

It's gotta be the season. Or something. I've been in a downhill slide for about the last six months.

Called my mother last night and asked her to please come and get the kids - or I was packing them up and sending them to live with their father. Permanently.

I don't know what I need, but I can't shake this depression. I don't have five minutes of time for myself - combined with 12 hour/shift work and a high needs preschooler.

Not in the greatest place right now.

[sarahariz]

Meeandmine and others, I can relate.  I'm 48 and have been separated from my 6 year old daughter's dad for almost 4 years.   For me, it is loneliness... and yeah, thinking I just cannot make it on my own.  Life is not really meant to be lived this way.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, and it is true!  Except today there aren't very many villages, there aren't many sources of support that don't cost money, and it is just simply overwhelming to have all this responsibility on you for taking care of a little one and everyone else (I'm a therapist, so I sometimes feel that way) and for there to be really no one there for you.  

All this stuff we are supposed to be doing--keeping the house clean, making money, paying bills, helping out at school, spending time with our children, and taking care of ourselves... it is a lot.  I know if I add one simple thing to my schedule--everything else goes totally to hell.  I just haven't been able to reconcile why her dad just doesn't want to be a family with us.  I still realize that is my dream.  I wanted us to be a family.  He is very involved in her life (lives in the same town) but not with me-at least not in the way I would like.  My parents are deceased and I have one sister who lives across the country from me, so I don't have any family support to speak of--although my ex's parents are supportive of me to an extent.  I just miss having someone to talk to about just even the daily things.  Someone who will listen--at least a little.  My friends are busy with their families and trying to keep up.  This life is very lonely.  I did take things out of my schedule because I was overwhelmed, but it really did not help, because I ended up being more isolated.

I'm not really looking for advice, just understanding, empathy, and to feel like I am not alone that there are other moms who feel similarly.

[meandmine]

Sara -- Sending hugs!  Obviously, I am not the one with the answers.  Thinking of you and all the strong women here.  

M

[meandmine]

Ceiwin,

Thinking of you!

I hope your mom came and got them.

I hope we can all find the balance we need in this coming year!

M