Questions about family IQ dynamics, when you are a gifted wife/Mom...... - Page 2

[JollyGG]

The issue seems to be that you don't feel comfortable and at ease around your husband’s family but you do around your own and fear a future of that at your own table. I understand that. But I think that you are mistaking some of the reasons why you feel that way.

I will always be more at ease around my own family than I will around my husband’s family. Sometimes it does feel like it stems from a difference of intellect. Though I have no doubt when I think about it that my husband’s family is very bright. He is a very intelligent man and I sincerely doubt the apple fell to far from the tree. The issue is really differing values, traditions, expectations, and priorities in his family than in my own. They just aren’t what I know and am comfortable and familiar with.

Honestly it would be easy to see my family dynamics coming from the fact that we are all of above average intelligence. But, that would fail to acknowledge that we really do all have vastly differing intelligence. I am very bright but childhood IQ scores did not label me as gifted. My younger brother is moderately gifted, while my older brother is profoundly gifted. But the siblings with the most ease and comfort are my older brother and I, the two with the most differing intelligence.

My brother loves me because I accept him quirks and all and up until he met his wife I would be the person in this world he would say understood him the best. It can be hard to be profoundly gifted and find peers in other children who are okay with the fact that you are a bit different. But our siblings do. They are there and part of our lives and they see the good and the bad allowing us to be ourselves. They are who we put our guard down with and that bond is unique.

I’d simply work on building a loving and accepting home and your children will learn to support each other just like you support them no matter what their IQ level is. It’s about being family not about being of equivalent intelligence.

[joensally]

Welcome, Bobcat.

I'm glad you're thinking about these things before kids, as I think it's good to work stuff through before taking on the enormous job of child rearing and in order to live a fuller, more realized life.  What I hear in your post is concern about your husband.  It sounds like you need to work through the complexities of your marriage.  It doesn't really matter if your IQs are similar if you get along and enjoy each others company.

Are you familiar with theories on personality types (ie Myers-Briggs)?   IMO and IME, personality, inclinations, interests, areas of strength etc play as much a role in how people are as does IQ.

No one can tell you where your child's IQ may end up.  When you choose to have children, you are choosing to accept the unknown and accepting things which are outside of your control.  Children are so much more than IQ, and you may be compatible or incompatible with your child with respect to learning style, interests, preferences, abilities of all kinds.  I'm well past the hard-work-completely-dependent-minor stage, but my kids still have interests, passions and styles which are very different from what I would select for myself. Bt as their parent I support, engage with and listen to their areas of interests and their individual styles of expression.  I actually find the ways in which they are different from me as engaging as the ways in which we are similar, because I value them as individuals independent of me.  This isn't so different in some ways from the mom who hates sports but has the hockey-crazed child who spends off-season preparing for the season.  It's part of the mom gig. 

Your family of origin is a unique grouping, and likely wouldn't be replicated given that it will be a different grouping of people with their own unique spin on things.

I like the term code-switching, rather than this notion of "dumbing down."  Code-switching is where you adapt your language to meet the context you're in, and opens one up to more meaningful discussion with others when it's not set up heirarchically.  I really enjoy talking to people from all kinds of backgrounds and don't assume I'm smarter than, wiser than or have nothing to learn from someone who approaches the world differently than I do.  This approach has made my relationships richer and my experiences in the world more robust.

[cappuccinosmom]

 

I like the term code-switching, rather than this notion of "dumbing down."  Code-switching is where you adapt your language to meet the context you're in, and opens one up to more meaningful discussion with others when it's not set up heirarchically.  I really enjoy talking to people from all kinds of backgrounds and don't assume I'm smarter than, wiser than or have nothing to learn from someone who approaches the world differently than I do.  This approach has made my relationships richer and my experiences in the world more robust. 

This is great!

Just because there is a different dynamic doesn't mean that the other people are unintelligent, boring, or anything else negative.  They're *different*.  It is a very useful skill to be able to engage with people who are not the same as you, without feeling that they are of lesser intellect (or lesser anything) than you.  I made this mistake with my husband, and wounded him deeply.  He is incredibly intelligent, but he struggles with reading, both in English and his native languages.  I was so arrogant to assume that his difficulties with reading and with English fluency translated into a lesser intellect.  Not only is he plenty smart, there are many areas in which he is far, far more skilled than I.  Business management being one of them, as I have discovered while trying to fill his shoes in our business while he's away.

I have a very unique family of origin too.  Highly intellectual, extremely literary.  We kids basically got a very rich and full parallel education all through our school years...through our dinner-time and evening conversations with our parents.  We got the foundation for learning new languages, a little bit of Latin, great teaching and practice in rhetoric, logic, and philosophy, even a good bit of medical knowledge (my folks are doctors).  Just because other people can't make puns in Latin and don't discuss intestinal parasites over their spaghetti doesn't make them unintelligent or uninteresting.  There will always be something special about the relationships I have in my family of origin, but if I cannot connect with people who are different from me and my family, the problem is not with other people.  It's something I need to work on myself.

[kcparker]

One thing nobody has mentioned is Gardner's 8 types of intelligence. Bobcat, you seem to really value linguistic intelligence and other more academic intelligences, which are great in some ways, and totally useless in others. Consider that even if you don't have somebody who provides dinner-table repartee and can't spell his way out of a paper bag, perhaps he will be able to dance so well that it brings tears to your eyes, or he has excellent intuition about interpersonal relationships and is a natural leader. Your husband must have some good things going for him or you would not have married him, right? If he's handy, kind, and cracks a good joke, would it be the worst thing in the world if your kids end up a combo. of you and him, or even if they end up as chips off the old block?

You don't have kids yet, and one of the scary and exciting aspects of becoming a parent is that you are taking a gamble - you don't know if you'll end up with a Mozart or an Average Joe, but part of the joy of parenting is getting to find out who this kid is and figuring out how to nurture them so that they can make the most of their individual strengths and talents. One of the things I reminded myself of (because I was very anxious about having a mentally disabled child) is that one fall out of a tree at age 8, one car crash at age 16, one IED explosion at age 21 could damage your child's brain and alter their personality; there are no guarantees. The second that you conceive, you are taking a gamble and embracing whatever manifests itself. Having a child will make you grow and stretch and accomodate another person's needs and temperament in ways you can hardly imagine. Honestly, I would assume that if you are a smart parent, you will have a pretty smart kid. Moreover, you will rear your children in a home where conversation is valued and critical thinking is encouraged, so you are likely to have children who grow up to be articulate, thoughtful adults.

[kcparker]

Double post. D'oh!

[kcparker]

Triple post. Double D'oh! What is going on here?

[starling&diesel]

Interesting, interesting. 

I love the term "code-switching" ... thanks for bringing that up, joensally!

I'm a published author of nine books, and also a paramedic, and a mama.  The ways that I communicate (with my editor, versus a patient, versus mamas at the park or their children, versus with my partner) are many and varied.  If I communicated the way that I do with my editor in all aspects of my life, I would sound ridiculous!

To the OP ... It is so wise to be doing the hard thinking now, before you become a mama.  Thank you for you candor and your frankness.  It is refreshing.  I have a couple of questions for you.

1.  Do you find any solace or relief in not having to be intellectually 'on' all the time with your husband?  My ex and I were always having deep, philosophical or academic discussions with each other that would go on for hours, or days, or months, and to be honest, it was often more exhausting than stimulating.  I love my partner now for being so present and in the moment and not needing to process or intellectualize everything.  It is refreshing and much more sustainable to my sanity.  I find her approach to life inspiring and want more of that for myself.

2.  What would you do, or how would you manage, if your child is not only not gifted, but delayed, either somewhat or profoundly?   Or if your child or husband had a head injury that left them with deficits?

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by joensally 

Your family of origin is a unique grouping, and likely wouldn't be replicated given that it will be a different grouping of people with their own unique spin on things.

I think this is a really good point.  Coming from a great family background, my ideal before children was to do just what my parents did and have what they had.  Life doesn't work out like that, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

[physmom]

Ok, let's see if I'm actually able to post this since it'll be my 3rd attempt (strike that 4th attempt, DD just woke up AGAIN).  Apparently MDC and the new beta version of Firefox are NOT compatible in the least bit.  Add in a toddler who is getting her molars and it's been hard to post!

No5No5- I had to laugh at your comment about not being able to get along with some other smart people.  ITA!  There's actually two that I can think of off the top of my head that I just shudder to think that I might have a conversation with again in this lifetime (one I KNOW I will have to...).  While I do count quite a few other gifted adults amongst my friends that's far from an exclusive list and my friends are all at different levels and have different interests.  Honestly, none of my friends are quite as vocarious readers like myself so I just never have anybody to talk to about all the books that I read.  To add to this DH rarely reads fiction so it's not a need that I get met.  Although whenever I do find someone who has actually read some of the books I tend to try and milk it for all that it's worth. :D

I'm also a somewhat surprised at some of the harsher reactions to the OP's post.  Honestly, before we all become mothers we sometimes had very, very different ideas about how the world was and I try to consider that when I read her post.  FIL has a pretty severe mental illness and this was something that was definitely at the top of my mind when DH and I started to think about having kids.  It certainly didn't change my mind but I did worry that DD could develop this (honestly, sometimes I still do worry about it).  I really don't think it made me a bad mom to worry about this and, honestly, the second I held DD I knew that even if she did get it I'd still love her like crazy.  We also often got the question from people if we'd be disappointed if our kids didn't turn out like us (DH and I are in the same field and it's one very much known for catering to smart people so a lot of assumptions are made when people hear what we do).  So it's certainly something that I've thought about but in some ways I think it'd be more interesting if DD had other interests because then I have someone close to me in a new field and I can pick their brain. :)

I also very much agree with PP's saying that sometimes mothering can be mind-numbingly boring!  DD's constantly asking about the relationship between the sun/moon/daytime/nighttime.  It was cool at first but now I'm just tired of explaining it over and over and over again!  However, I put a smile on my face and do it because I love her but not because it's particularily stimulating conversation. 

As for the comment about the OP being cold towards her husband... I think that's projecting more feelings than what she said.  I do think the OP isn't as aware of visual-spatial giftedness  and having math abilties while lacking verbal ones as she could be  so I'm glad to see others pointed that out also.  That being said DH and myself discuss everything under the sun and we discuss our strengths/weaknesses with each other.  We would both achknowledge that there are some areas where I'm "smarter" than him and others where he's "smarter" than me.  For instance, DH doesn't read nearly to the same extent as me and just wouldn't be able to talk about books like I can.  I'm sure if I was speaking without thinking carefully about my words I could say something that could possibly sound condescending towards him because of this but that would certainly NOT be my intention.  Ditto for him since he's certainly more successful than I am at work. I prefer to give the OP the benefit of the doubt since it sounded like she was really speaking from her heart and trying to get these thoughts off of her chest.  I'd also agree with PreggieUBA2C that it looks like the OP was unfortunate enough to stumble on a hot topic for her first post and might not of been aware of the "correct" way to express herself on this board since she's entirely new.  What I mean by that is that I think there are different ways to say the same thing but one could provoke harsh reactions on here whereas the other might provoke sympathy if it's more in-tune with the MDC lingo. 

As to meshing better with your own family.... eh, not so much here.  I actually get along amazingly well with DH's parents (especially MIL).  Sure, some things drive me nuts but many times I feel more at home than my own parents (and I do have a good relationship with them but somehow it is also distant). Some people you just really click with and others not.  I do have some people (more extended family) on DH's side that drive me a bit bonkers and I wouldn't exactly want as roommates but I do try and appreciate what they contribute to the family still (although it can be harder at some times than others!).

Oh, and I definitely agree.  DON'T dumb yourself down for others because you really might be missing out on some great friendships there! 

[Aufilia]

I agree that you've mistaken intelligence for communication style and personality.  My husband and I are of similar intelligence (I'd guess his IQ is slightly above mine) but are very different in our interests and communication preferences.  In personality we are similar in some ways and vastly different in others.  With my husband, I watch TV.  If I want to experience witty and insightful conversation, I hang out with my writing buddies. 

You also appear to be under the assumption that your children might be intellectually interesting and great conversationalists.  A 1-year-old who can speak in sentences might be amazing, but she still isn't intellectually satisfying.  My daughter's verbal abilities were in the 99th% by 18 months but her first complex sentence was "Inside o da box has raisins in it."  She is nearly 5 and can still talk circles around other kids and reads like she's a 2nd or 3rd grader, but intellectual discussion is a loooong way off.  Heck, I just spent 20 minutes laying in the hallway being the jungle gym because at least they were both entertained and nobody was whining at me...

(Just wanted to add -- reading this over again I sound a bit snippy.  Sorry!  I feel for you.  It's hard to envision parenthood before you get there, and I know I had some weird worries about giftedness before my kids were born -- particularly that #2 would not be as bright as #1... seems silly in hindsight, but you know what they say about hindsight... :) )

Edited by Aufilia - 12/2/10 at 4:40pm

[bobcat]

Thank you to those that took the time to reply. I certainly didn't read through all the replies yet. I'll work through them slowly. I have read some of them and scanned through others (very tired right now....I have a sleep disorder/CFS/mystery illness so just kind of struggling all around with my health/energy).

I realized after I posted this that it would probably be misinterpreted, and that I would probably be judged. I guess I was just trying to speak frankly, and I was under the impression only the people that could relate to my fears would reply (so I didn't expect this many replies either).

I have thought about seeing a therapist, just to help me better relate to my husband, and not get frustrated when I feel like we aren't "connecting" (despite me trying very hard to find ways for us to connect when we are just alone with down time). I am wondering if my problem is more with the TYPES of intelligence others have mentioned, and just that I need to understand him more and the way he thinks? I am trying. I have had a feeling that could be the problem. That is what I was trying to get at in my original post, when I was saying he tests well in math, yet you wouldn't think he was intelligent by reading a letter from him or speaking to him. I went to normal public school, so I haven't been exposed to some of those ideas about different types of intelligence. It gives me more to check out, so thank you. It seems you all have studied this kind of thing more than others, after reading some of the posts in this forum, so that was one of the main reasons I asked for help/insight here, and finally posted. I didn't think the people who felt judgment would actually post, out of courtesy, so that's quite a surprise (it looks like some posts were deleted, yikes).

I think it goes without saying, that I would love my children no matter what. I guess I didn't think I'd need to mention that. I have already researched MANY other aspect of parenting on this site, that have nothing to do with intelligence. So it's not like this is my main "issue" with the idea of parenting. This is just one of the few questions I had that I didn't see already answered on this site. I am really just looking for someone that has ever felt what I feel (trepidation

I am actually looking forward to going back and reading more of these replies when I'm feeling better (probably tomorrow), because it seems like some people have some great ideas, on things I could research to help me better understand how I see the world vs. how others with different strengths are seeing the world, which is what I think I need. So thank you to those that are trying to help. I realize my request is a little unorthodox, and I do realize how this came across, I realized it in retrospect, but I didn't think I'd have to edit myself for fear of being judged.

I also realized in retrospect (after getting all my fears "out there") how silly it is in a way, because I know that each child is a unique person.

I guess my question was more about, how do people in a family relate to each other, when they are different? I came from a small family, and we were all similar. And even with us being similar, there was a lot of friction. I am used to relating to different types of people in my everyday life, but not within the family dynamic (until marrying my husband, who operates completely different than me in almost every way). We have somehow adapted, but it has been hard at times.

I think just typing out my original post helped a lot, because I got everything off my chest, and it felt good. Then, once you see it in print, you really how silly yet cliche some of it is. Anyways...I guess I'm hoping that you all will assume the best of me before posting? I may need therapy, and that is fine, but please don't judge me too much. I live very far away from any family except my husband, am young, and too ill to have a job or drive right now, so I don't get a lot of interaction, and am going through a lot of emotional things/worries. So please try to be supportive if you can. I am really just looking for help, insight, and maybe anyone who can relate to the fears of if you will get along with your future fam?

Oh, and back to the "getting along" thing.......I DON'T only get along with smart people. I was VERY into athletics in high school, so those were the people I hung out with. I don't like to read books. (I do research things on the internet, follow news). In fact, I think a lot of the white-collar professionals in this world are too smug for my liking, when they start talking about books, vacations, wine, theatre, etc etc....anything to make themselves sound impressive. I dropped out of college (for health reasons though). It is moreso that I do value having close family or people around me that "get" me, and that I "get." I hope that makes better sense? So my children do NOT have to be "like" me, but I do want them to "get" me, ****and I want to be able to "get" them*****. It is the connection I am worried about.

[LynnS6]

My first thought when reading your post was something that many people have noted: Don't confuse verbal intelligence with overall intelligence. And don't discount other types of intelligence as someone else has noted If you're highly verbal, I think it makes sense that you value that. But there must be other things that you value in your husband or you wouldn't have married him. He must meet some of your needs. What are they? When you get worried about the future, remember those positives. If you're having needs in terms of conversation that aren't being met, can you help him learn your communication style? Can you find another group (book club, study circle, something) that would fill that need instead?

My second thought when reading your post was "I bet some reading in basic sociolinguistics and cross-cultural communication would really help." Different families have different communication patterns, differing amounts of explicitness, differing amounts of context that's assumed to be shared, and differing topics that are appropriate for conversation. Do family conversations center around football or politics? Ethics or food? None of this has to do with intelligence, by the way.

As joensally noted, I think it's helpful to think of codeswitching or register shifting rather than 'dumbing down' your conversation to others. (That's where some understanding of sociolinguistics would be helpful.)

Originally Posted by bobcat My husband's intelligence seems to be pretty average. He seems to be above average in math (doing well in things like calculus, physics, etc, and scoring way above average in math on standardized testing), but when I'm just "conversing" with him, to me, he seems to be right about average, if not, a little below average, in how he communicates. Both his ability to communicate, and his willingness to follow my "complex/deep" tangents, and want to keep that kind of conversation going.

Another dimension along which communication can vary is how much context is required to interpret the message. My family is a 'high context' family (based on my mom's family culture)-- there's a lot of shared knowledge that's not overtly stated. It's great for us. It's hard on 'outsiders'. My dh is just learning how to track this and we've been married 17 years! Your comments made me think of that. Maybe your dh just communicates differently. If his family communication culture marks topic shifts and yours doesn't, is that his problem for not following your tangents or your problem for not marking your topic changes? My dh would say it's my fault for not marking topic changes; I, of course, would say it's his for not following!

My mom and dad are both very intelligent people, but my dad is very reticent.He just didn't grow up in a home where there was a lot of talk or chit-chat. His strengths are also mathematical and visual-spatial (he taught math, he can fix nearly anything). My mom's family is Irish-American and all they do is talk! She's very verbal, enjoys philosophical debates and literature. In her family, verbal dexterity is highly prized. My mom and dad have gotten along very well in their marriage. It hasn't been without its hard spots, some of which were indeed caused by their differences in communication and types of intelligences. My mom solved the issue at one point by going back to graduate school to get her Ph.D. in English literature. That gave her the verbal interaction she needed. As they've aged, they've found other ways to work together. When my mom lost her eyesight, my dad learned to do the crossword puzzles (something my mom enjoys) with her. He was NOT a natural at crosswords. He approached this in his typical linear fashion. My mom had to teach him that you didn't have to fill out every answer in numerical order. You could go from 1 to 5 to 13 and then back to 3 once you got a few clues filled in. He's a pro now. My mom, on the other hand, has had to learn to be more explicit with her conversation than she did at home. Sometimes, despite 56 years of marriage, my dad just needs all the links spelled out for him. It's not intelligence, it is just how his mind works.

So, instead of regretting the loss of conversation with your dh, maybe the solution would be to help your dh learn your communication style, or adjust your communication so that he can follow your tangents more easily.

Two final points. One is that as I'm a linguist who studies child language development one result from research is clear: Children tend to take on the communication patterns of the more talkative parent. Not always, of course, but it is the definite trend. If you're highly verbal, you're going to talk to your kids a lot. It's just what you'll do. If you talk a lot and enjoy verbal conversations, your kids will eventually learn to converse too. And as they will most likely get more input from you, it's more likely to be in your style than your dh's.

Finally, having only 2 kids I'm by no means an expert, but I will say that it's very interesting to see how the combination of genes has played out with our kids and in our family. On the surface, dh and I are very different. I'm much more academic than my dh is.  He's got his BA and will probably never get more than that. He doesn't need to. He's very bright, scores well on standardized tests, but does not thrive in an academic setting (he doesn't memorize well, he tends to think out of the box, he resists authority and he just plain doesn't care sometimes). Meanwhile, I'm a professor with a Ph.D. I'm all about academics. Despite the surface differences, we have really interesting conversations -- most of them started by my dh. While I'm verbal, I'm also more reserved and have a harder time thinking of conversational topics. I'm also an introvert and get 'burned out' talking at my job. Dh has always got something interesting rolling around in his mind. He's also a better conversationalist. He's got much better people skills than I do, I think. I have to work really hard at it.

Our kids are an interesting combo -- ds is quieter, but thinks outside the box ("How many people in the world do you think have krill as their favorite animal mom?"), but isn't all that academically driven. He's bright, but academic achievement just doesn't matter that much to him. So he's like me in some ways (quieter, a bit more reflective) and like dh in others (out of the box, not as driven). Dd is another combination: She talks or whistles constantly. She's a great conversationalist for a 6 year old. She's also much more academic, driven to achieve academically. Her homework the other night was to think of and write down at least 10 two syllable words and 5 three syllable words -- she got up to 30 two syllable words and about 15 three syllable words before she quit. Ds would have had to have been cajoled to get just the minimum. So dd has this interesting combo of her dad's conversational skills, her dad's intense sense of morality, and my academic drive. Each child then throws in their own quirks that came from somewhere else. Life with both is really interesting. It's not always stellar conversations, but I don't see my dh being bored by their conversations around the Thanksgiving dinner table in 20 years! I doubt you will be either.

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobcat 

Thank you to those that took the time to reply. I certainly didn't read through all the replies yet. I'll work through them slowly. I have read some of them and scanned through others (very tired right now....I have a sleep disorder/CFS/mystery illness so just kind of struggling all around with my health/energy).

Glad to see we didn't scare you away! Sometimes the parents on the Parenting the Gifted Child board can get a little more argumentative/strident than on some of the other MDC boards. I wonder how many of us really like verbal debate?

[bobcat]

Ha. I don't like verbal debate online, because I'm too worn out for it.

Alright, I think you brought up a really good point, Lynn. And it might even change the whole crux of this conversation. Maybe what I'm worried about isn't their intelligence level, but I'm worried they won't be "verbal." I think that at the end of the day, THAT is what I'm worried about. So I think I probably AM confusing verbal intelligence with overall intelligence.

Thoughts? I think maybe I was not understanding my worry enough to put my finger on what it was.

I think the main reason for my worry is that my husband is extremely difficult to talk to. He just doesn't see the point in conversing with me. He doesn't see the point of the, "how was your day?" stuff. I get one-word answers.

So I have been wondering if my children will be like that too? Just be wired to think talking is superfluous, and they'd rather just...not? And my main fear is that I won't be able to connect with them. I obviously connect with my husband because we are in love, romantic love......we are each other's "other half" (not saying I was incomplete without him, but you know what I mean). I know I will have unconditional love for my children, and will probably love them even more than hubby (isn't that what moms say?). But love hasn't prevented the struggles my husband and I have with relating to each other. So I'm worried. I want to be a part of my kids' lives. I want them to look forward to talking to me, and I want to look forward to hearing their thoughts. I see wha'ts happening here. It's all "I want, I want, I want."

........In light of all the "I wan'ts," I am getting ready to just drop this whole convo, now that I've vented (not really, but just saying.....venting it was half the battle). Because in a way, it doesn't matter....it is what it is. I love my husband, and we are going to have children. And when we have children, I will love and nurture them, unconditionally. So really, no sense stressing about something you can't control. I guess I just need to get that through my mind? Because I'm one of those people that doesn't like the feeling of not having control. But I do feel like my motives are pure....I am worried about family connections, and all of us feeling like we are close. I guess it just doesn't have to be MY definition of closeness? Sigh. This has all been hard for me to get through, as you can tell. If you're still listening, thank you.

ps---another thing I forgot to mention is that my husband has ADD (though it's hard to tell what's ADD and what's him just not liking to talk). So I think if you knew that, that would also explain a lot, of how the other person can see communicating and connecting as a STRUGGLE. It is not easy living with. It's not easy having to ask the same question about 5 times, before I get the appropriate answer (a question like, "do you want lasagna, or no, since we had pasta last night?"). I feel like every exchange is a struggle, to get anything out of him. I wonder how that will work in the future too, if the kids take after him, and I have to struggle to just get someone to listen to basic things like, "we aren't doing X today, like usual, so don't forget." So I think it's all kind of part of my constellation of worries. I am not doing the best coping with it.

Edited by bobcat - 12/2/10 at 4:44pm

[EVC]

Edited by EVC - 12/8/10 at 3:42pm

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by bobcat 

ps---another thing I forgot to mention is that my husband has ADD (though it's hard to tell what's ADD and what's him just not liking to talk). So I think if you knew that, that would also explain a lot, of how the other person can see communicating and connecting as a STRUGGLE. It is not easy living with. It's not easy having to ask the same question about 5 times, before I get the appropriate answer (a question like, "do you want lasagna, or no, since we had pasta last night?"). I feel like every exchange is a struggle, to get anything out of him. I wonder how that will work in the future too, if the kids take after him, and I have to struggle to just get someone to listen to basic things like, "we aren't doing X today, like usual, so don't forget." So I think it's all kind of part of my constellation of worries. I am not doing the best coping with it.

Ah, that makes sense.  Mine is ADHD also (and dyslexic, but that's another story).  Yes, we have this conversation regularly:

Me:  What should we have for supper?

DH:  Hm?

Me:  What should we have for supper?

DH:  Oh.  I hadn't thought about it.

Me:  Well, it's almost suppertime and I'm already hungry, so why don't you think about it now.

DH:  Okay.

Me:  ...

Me:  Have you thought about it?

DH:  Hm?

Me:  Have you thought about it?

DH:  Thought about what?

Me:  Thought about supper?  What would you like for supper?  I'm hungry and I want to know what you want for supper. 

DH:  Oh.  Um.  I don't care. 

That's the short version.    Honestly, it doesn't bother me anymore, but we've been married for more than ten years.  But there was definitely a time when I felt like pulling my hair out.  He also forgets everything.  I just count on him forgetting, and if it's important I remind him 25 times and pin a note to his shirt.  Okay, not really, but I've come close.  He is a great conversationalist when he's not hyperfocused on something else, though.  I don't think we'd get along if he never talked at all.  It'd make me crazy. 

If it helps, kids with ADHD tend to be big talkers IME.  They may not talk about what you want them to talk about, but they do talk. 

[eepster]

Originally Posted by bobcat 

I think the main reason for my worry is that my husband is extremely difficult to talk to. He just doesn't see the point in conversing with me. He doesn't see the point of the, "how was your day?" stuff. I get one-word answers.

That's a very common complaint about husbands.  I'm wondering how much of this is just normal marital issues.  

About the fatigue and medical issues, have you had you thyroid tested?  I had undiagnosed hashimoto's disease for many years.

[EVC]

That's a very common complaint about husbands. I'm wondering how much of this is just normal marital issues.

Wasn't that the basic topic of that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? I never read the book, so maybe I'm mistaken, but it seems to me that this issue was at least part of it.

[number572]

Wow, that was eye-opening! (speaking of the opening OP)

Some very highly intellectually gifted people do not communicate well verbally.  Some do not even do well in a typical stream of "normal" day to day conversation.  Some extremely intelligent people have a very tough time of communicating with others one on one in any form of verbal communication.  Maybe take a step back and decide to accept all forms of intelligence?  If your kids natural form of communication bothers (or may bother) you, if it is a lack of verbal, maybe the thing upon which to focus your concern, is your own acceptance and ways of handling your own resistance, rather than worrying about who they naturally *are*.

Sorry, it breaks my heart to think that a mom would be thinking that her child was sort of less than, or disappointing to her in any way,  if the child was not so verbally "quick" as she'd like.  bleh

And to use the words "dumbing down" when speaking of average people is not going to win any friends.

Edited by number572 - 12/2/10 at 6:11pm

[whatsnextmom]

This could be an introversion/extroversion issue. Personally, I'm very introverted as is my DD. We don't see the point of chit-chat for the most part. We pretty much just want the facts and get frustrated when people expand 1 minute of info into 10 minutes. We love to socialize when we chose too (a party, a project, ect) but we also have a high privacy needs. DD is actually far more extreme than myself which often has even me feeling left out at times. DH and DS are extroverts with DS being an extreme. They NEED conversation and connection and see very little reason NOT to be talking. They share EVERYTHING and that is how they figure out how they are really feeling. DD and myself want to ponder privately or write. The first couple years of our marriage was really us trying to strike a balance. It's a lot of give and take that frankly, you don't have to deal with when you are dating. You only get together when BOTH parties are wanting to interact. When you are sharing a home, well, suddenly you are together even when you'd rather be alone. *I* had a very hard time with DS when he was little because he needed CONSTANT interaction and I was falling apart. It took him getting older so that WE could find a balance too.

I don't know how long you've been married but I've been married 14 years. The first 2 were the hardest... the 1st the hardest of all.