Questions about family IQ dynamics, when you are a gifted wife/Mom...... - Page 3

[cappuccinosmom]

About family members being similar and friction.....

That is a pretty common dynamic, actually.  Sometimes differences make it *easier* to get along.

My baby sister and myself are most like my mother's personality, and we had some rough times there.  Healed now, but both of us gave her hell in our teenage years, emotionally speaking.  It was on both sides.  My sister and my dad are very much alike, but their personalities are both extremely laid back so they didn't have that tension.

The child my husband has had the most difficult relationship with is the one who is his personality clone.  The other two are more laid back, and more like me with their personalities, and there has been no issues with their relationship.  And as a mom, I find that often the things that trigger my frustration the most are when I see behaviors or attitudes in my children that I do not like, but know that I have as well.  IOW, they clarify my imperfections and hypocrisies, and nobody enjoys that process much. 

I think the main reason for my worry is that my husband is extremely difficult to talk to. He just doesn't see the point in conversing with me. He doesn't see the point of the, "how was your day?" stuff. I get one-word answers. 

This is also a pretty common complaint in marriages and I don't think it has anything at all to do with intellect and IQ.  Some people are talkative, some are not.  For some reason it seems like most often it's the man who's in the relationship who doesn't feel a need for constant flow of conversation.  There are always exceptions, of course, but they too have nothing to do with intellectual levels.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by no5no5 

Originally Posted by bobcat 

ps---another thing I forgot to mention is that my husband has ADD (though it's hard to tell what's ADD and what's him just not liking to talk). So I think if you knew that, that would also explain a lot, of how the other person can see communicating and connecting as a STRUGGLE. It is not easy living with. It's not easy having to ask the same question about 5 times, before I get the appropriate answer (a question like, "do you want lasagna, or no, since we had pasta last night?"). I feel like every exchange is a struggle, to get anything out of him. I wonder how that will work in the future too, if the kids take after him, and I have to struggle to just get someone to listen to basic things like, "we aren't doing X today, like usual, so don't forget." So I think it's all kind of part of my constellation of worries. I am not doing the best coping with it.

Ah, that makes sense.  Mine is ADHD also (and dyslexic, but that's another story).  Yes, we have this conversation regularly:

Me:  What should we have for supper?

DH:  Hm?

Me:  What should we have for supper?

DH:  Oh.  I hadn't thought about it.

Me:  Well, it's almost suppertime and I'm already hungry, so why don't you think about it now.

DH:  Okay.

Me:  ...

Me:  Have you thought about it?

DH:  Hm?

Me:  Have you thought about it?

DH:  Thought about what?

Me:  Thought about supper?  What would you like for supper?  I'm hungry and I want to know what you want for supper. 

DH:  Oh.  Um.  I don't care. 

That's the short version.    Honestly, it doesn't bother me anymore, but we've been married for more than ten years.  But there was definitely a time when I felt like pulling my hair out.  He also forgets everything.  I just count on him forgetting, and if it's important I remind him 25 times and pin a note to his shirt.  Okay, not really, but I've come close.  He is a great conversationalist when he's not hyperfocused on something else, though.  I don't think we'd get along if he never talked at all.  It'd make me crazy. 

If it helps, kids with ADHD tend to be big talkers IME.  They may not talk about what you want them to talk about, but they do talk. 

we have this same conversation constantly, and DF isn't ADD or ADHD. and he's a big talker. 

[dessismama]

Bobcat, both DH and I are what people consider gifted. DH was a child prodigy, I am on the moderate spectrum. We adopted a toddler from Bulgaria 12 years ago. Our sweet little girl was left in a crib for 2 years and neglected so badly that she was at the level of a 6 month old when she came to us.

Our DD is now 14.5--she has slightly above average intelligence (last time she had the SB IQ test, her overall score was 110, mean is 100, standard deviation 16) that is obscured by 3 severe learning disabilities and her social/emotional struggles. She is about as different from us and our 3 bio kids as you can imagine. But I can tell you that both DH and I love her to pieces and we have invested a ton of energy into trying to help her cope and grow in every possible way. We love talking with her precisely because she perceives things so differently! We constantly check sources focusing on post-insitutionalized children; we have tried a variety of therapies with success.... we are learning how the brain works and recovers from not building enough connections in the first two years.

And you know what? We have some of the most exciting conversations about topics DD is struggling with, and everyone in the family brings his/her strengths to the table. She is teaching all of us how to be better people!! And it turns out Dessi has a great sense of humor, a heart of gold, and a real talent for art.  As a teenager, she hates having smart parents because we are one step ahead of her, but deep down she knows she was meant to come to us and be with us so we can learn from one another.

So do not sweat it, work on communicating better with your DH and think of parenting as a journey...

[waiting2bemommy]

I just saw this from the main page and....wow. I kinda feel bad for your dh as well. I have no idea what my IQ is but I know I was labeled "gifted" as a child although I'm certainly no genius. I'm a terrible math student but I have an aptitude for linguistic endeavors and I really enjoy dabbling in new languages, reading non-fiction works that most of my friends would say are "too hard" to read. I like to write and with some thought I can produce a college term paper in a single sitting (and get an A). My dad has the same strengths as me (although I believe he is way more intelligent than me) and used to challenge me to read ingredient labels correctly when I was 3 years old. When I asked him questions he would pull out an encyclopedia for me to find the answer. I was homeschooled and spent hours of my spare time reading.

My bf grew up in a non English speaking household. He witnessed several violent deaths as a child/young adult. He started smoking, drinking and doing drugs at a young age, which affects the developing brain. He was incarcerated for a time due to his bad choices. While there they gave him an IQ test and he scored 89. So now he thinks he's dumb. He definitely needs more time to grasp language related things. His reading comprehension sucks and he can't spell. But he can work with his hands. He is incredible. He can look at me and tell me what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. He has an amazing ability to look at a situation and see through it for what it really is,, to get to the crux of the problem. He has street smarts. He knows how to make something out of nothing. He is a terrific cook! But because he was raised as he was, he doesn't value academics for himself and sees them as out of his league. He doesn't have a lot of confidence in that arena. I think we compliment each other beautifully.

I say all that to say that while you are saying your dh isn't on the same level as you, he might not have the same test scores as you, but there are SO many other ways that one can be amazing, brilliant and successful. We ALL have strengths. I would encourage you to look for those strengths and dwell on them, and learn to truly appreciate them before you have children. Because with kids you really don't know what you're going to get. You might get a child who is extremely intelligent in all teh conventional ways. Or you might get a child who has no use for tests/books/academics, but has a sixth sense about animals. You just don't know. You hae to be ready to appreciate your child for who he/she is.

Oh and don't dumb yourself down! That's on YOU. Just be who you are and you will attract people who are cool with you using "big words" in your sentences and talking about more complex topics. I love to discuss psychology...at first I was embarrassed thinkg people would think I was a show off or soemthing. Turns out two of my friends have the same interests! But one of us had to speak up or we would have all been hanging out pretending not to be interested in something we allshared in common.

[PreggieUBA2C]

There are degrees of manifestation of ADD. One of the biggest difficulties I have found is that when describing what are in reality, severe manifestations, people who have not experienced living with someone with similar severity of symptoms won't know the degree of "doesn't talk to me" that is being expressed.

My dp is presently healing his ADD with steady and exciting progress, but after his hyper-focus "now" turned to "not-now" regarding our relationship a few months after we married, he stopped talking to me. What I mean by "he stopped talking to me" is that he literally would not speak a word, even of acknowledgment, to me, sometimes for two-week periods that ended with an excited speech about something that interested him. Then he may greet me or not when coming and going, oftentimes not even telling me he was leaving our home. It made no sense to him that I would want the courtesy of being informed of his departures. This is how little he spoke to me; if he didn't say he was leaving, he didn't say anything at all, so I insisted that he at least do that much. He went from being my closest friend ever, to being a complete stranger with no interest in our life whatsoever. Really, none. And this is by far one of the least of the issues that plagued our life together as a result of untreated ADD.

Anyway, it's not like that anymore, thankfully, but I jut wanted to add to the discussion, that sometimes it's not just a common marital complaint when a spouse of an "ADDer" shares a potentially ADD-caused relational experience, but something far more severe. For some, everything is about the ADD because it was trauma-induced and runs deep throughout the sufferer's psyche. I know that it's not that way for everyone, but it sure is for some, and maybe even most.

"Non-ADD spouses" can go on for decades being told that they are too sensitive, too picky, too controlling, etc..., because they don't know that what they are expressing is being understood in a much less severe way than it is in reality for them. This is very typical. It is very difficult to find support for non-ADD spouses, sadly.

For anyone interested, this site is about marriage and ADD. I don't agree with all of what's there, but the articles are usually encouraging, while the forum is overwhelmingly populated by posts that leave little hope, if any (so I don't read there).

My experience with my formerly severe and now healing ADD partner is that with intention and willingness, there can be abundant recovery of lost or disordered brain functions and rebuilding of healthy neurosynaptic pathways and behaviours. My partner found Gabor Mate's book Scattered to be of immeasurable help, hope, and inspiration, as well as having a wholistic explanation of the ADD experience. The author has ADD and has healed the aspects of it that caused him suffering.

To express that I am proud of my dp's self-healing would be an enormous understatement. He is healing without meds, and is so much more him than he has ever been, by his description, which is also evident to everyone we know. Now, for the first time ever, we have some normal marital issues. Those issues are not just a step up from where we were before, but myriad staircases climbed to reach "normal".

When I had body-consuming contractions with my first labour after having already two babies by non-labour cs, I felt nothing but awe and gratitude for every sensation in my body. I felt the same with the two labours after that. It doesn't even phase me that some of those sensations were intense, seeming-spine-splitting pain; I cannot perceive those experiences in any other context than deep, fulfilling gratitude. With my dp, it is something like that now. It is truly awesome to me to be able to deal with normal marital issues because for so long, our issues were galaxies away from normal and could only be described as bizarre, life-sucking, unintentional gas-lighting, resulting in truly debilitating stress (enter weird stress-induced life-threatening illness here). So I am truly grateful for the opportunity to work through normal marital issues. I feel a bit giddy about it sometimes, because it is a pleasure to be able to do that with my partner when previous to his healing journey's commencement, these normal experiences were completely unavailable to us.

ADD adds a dimension to any relationship. It can consume every other dimension though, too, if not properly dealt with (according to each individual's needs, of course). I cannot adequately describe how great it feels to be able to express this from this perspective. :)

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by bobcat 

 It is moreso that I do value having close family or people around me that "get" me, and that I "get." I hope that makes better sense? So my children do NOT have to be "like" me, but I do want them to "get" me, ****and I want to be able to "get" them*****. It is the connection I am worried about.

Well, it is a real concern.

You also have absolutely no control whatsoever over it, since you are talking about an instinctive relating.  None.  You can hedge your bets with being a responsive, attached parent, but...one of the most frightening things about children is no, you have no control over whether you will truly get them.  You might even think that you do, and later find out that you are projecting.

I would explore the idea that actually, it is okay and can be enriching to be close to someone that you do not "get".  But that is probably a little too zen for right now.

Let me be blunt with you though.  I was a gifted kid.  I do not believe that any of my kids (well, that's not true, there is one that is close) are gifted on the level that I was.  I might have had two, but one had some problems in utereo and it seems pretty indesputable that it did impair some of his cognitive functioning, which is still very high compared to the 'average' I guess.  I can bleat out the expected stuff like "it doesn't matter", "I love my kids just the way they are," and "everyone's gifted in some way," and while I do agree with those sentiments in one way or the other, I also sometimes feel lonely and dare I say it, somewhat disappointed.  But that is just in snapshot moments.  And over time, and in talking to many people, I believe that actually almost everyone feels lonely in snapshot moments.  Make no mistake, my kids will all do well in school, they're all bright, yadda yadda.  I think they will probably do honors courses and college prep and all that jazz.  But.  Will they share some of my particular "gifted" quirks?  No.  Does it make me sad?  Yes and no.  In many ways I'm glad that my kids express very differently from me, and in some ways I think my occasionally negative feelings may even be jealousy because I feel that they have far more freedom than I did in how to channel the gifts they have, not having someone riding them towards achievement, ect.  I think parents have many deep primal expectations and needs they want their kids to meet.  Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't--but I think most parents are able to let go of that and learn to love, accept, and cherish the different person regardless.  I don't think that's going to be a problem for you, the learning to embrace who they are part.  Even if they don't get you and you don't get them.  You'll learn how to expand your circle of gett-edness. 

[Chamomile Girl]

Whew! I can't believe I made it through this whole thread.
 

Originally Posted by pregnant@40 

Oh, did you not consider the possibility of children (and how this would upset your nuclear family dynamic) prior to marriage? Perhaps you could divorce this one & find a new mate. Only after administering an IQ test of course, in order to ensure compatibility and select the appropriate genetic material for your children.

But then what if, despite your best efforts at mate selection, you ultimately have a child with Down syndrome, profound cerebral palsy, or some other mental handicap? What if it's not detected prior to birth? At least you would still have a gifted husband with which to converse...

This sentiment is not necessary, and simply demonstrates you have not read the OPs updates.

Am I the only one who hopes my child is not as gifted as I?  Gah, I wouldn't wish my experiences on a kid no way no how!
 

[Xeli]

I totally see where you are coming from on some points, and then not so much on others.  I have no idea if my husband is gifted intellectually or not... I am guessing he isn't gifted in that way, but he is very artistic and thinks WAY differently than I do, so it is tough to say.  He doesn't like to have the same in-depth conversations about religion and philosophy and "What If?" questions, but we still have that "connection".  I know a lot of people were snarky about what you said about your husband, but I think I understand what you mean.  I mean, you obviously still love him or else you wouldn't have married him.  You just don't have the same intellectual connection... aka if he is as smart as you, it isn't in the same way, so you feel sometimes like he doesn't "get" you.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I also don't have kids yet (TTC, or we think we are trying to conceive, we are right on the fence right now), so I understand the whole contemplating the future angle too!

I also feel the same way about naturally dumbing myself down for people constantly.  I am not even that gifted, and yet I am constantly having to do it.  I can see why you wouldn't want to be doing this at home all the time when you are going it out in the real world all day long. 

The part I don't get is why you would want your children to be gifted?  I guess I am sort of biased this way though, due to the fact that I hated being smarter than other people.  I totally believe in the "Ignorance is Bliss" philosophy of life.  I mean, when my friends were worrying about if a boy liked them, I was contemplating the psychological effects international adoption for older children.  I am adopted, but why I would be worried about this when I was 12 (and not internationally adopted) is proof that giftedness isn't all that fun.  I am not saying that non-gifted people don't worry or have problems (I am sure my life is golden in comparison to many others) but I often felt as a kid that I was worrying about kid-stuff and adult-stuff all at the same time, and I knew I was doing this, yet I didn't know how to stop worrying about it.  I don't want my kids to have the same issues.

I guess I am just hoping my children are "bright" but not "gifted"  Smart enough that they don't struggle in school, but not so smart that their brains are taking on more than their emotional selves can handle.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

Am I the only one who hopes my child is not as gifted as I?  Gah, I wouldn't wish my experiences on a kid no way no how!
 

Eh, I felt that way until we had to face facts and decided on homeschooling DD.  Now that I know she's not going to have my experiences, I'm not so concerned about her potential to be more gifted than me. 

[connieculkins]

This is one of the reasons why I am often reticent to reach out for support from women.  They have the tendency to be very judgmental with a touch of sanctimony to go along with it.  I think the truth is that most parents of gifted kids are proud, but their guilty subconscious would never allow them to admit this to themselves or anyone else.  This will cause them to 'jump' on anyone that is too honest and explicit about their giftedness, especially topics having to do with pride, feeling different from others, bonding better with gifted people.  They can be very hypocritical, saying that they come to a gifted website to avoid a judgmental attitude, but then when somebody is honest in a normal way they are attacked for it.  In actuality, these people are attacking the part of themselves that they are ashamed of (even though they shouldn't be).

 I know it is PC these days to say that you wouldn't mind if your child had a mental disability, but nobody really believes this.  All parents want their children to be intelligent.  There is a multi-million dollar industry which claims to heighten a child's IQ, yet nobody will ever admit that they would be interested in buying such a product!  Nobody admits that they would ever buy a product to make their kid smarter, but somehow they all end up with at least a few of these products in their home.  Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness.  And how many of the parents on this forum say that they don't have pride in being gifted and they can relate to all types of people, but then like to mention how amazingly gifted they were as children and how the man they chose to be the father of their kids is also gifted.  Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking, but really I'm just defending.

[expecting-joy]

I'm going to come back to this thread later, Bobcat. Welcome! So far I've read some great stuff in this thread, and I think in general, if you're willing to dig and sift there is a lot of great advice in this forum. I've personally been going through a lot lately and haven't been here as much as I would like, but I've still gotten lots of support when I do pop in. It is so interesting to reflect on the time of year and how it influences people's responses. So great to hear everyone say how much you will love your children no matter what, but also helpful to hear people honestly reflecting on how different it was when we were only thinking of becoming parents. Love the insights from all the linguists, spouses and those who see this this as something other than a gifted issue, but perhaps your (the OP's) perception of the concern is a gifted issue.

Anyway, a quick thought as I must run along. I'll just say that my dh and I often have very different conversation styles and our families of origin have very different conversation styles. Our children are likely PG - we haven't tested - and exceptionally verbal. I did find them intellectually stimulating when they were toddlers, but not in the same way I might have found a conversation with an adult who is like me. We were able to play fun verbal puzzle games in waiting situations when they were two. They both love to play with language and often make up multilingual jokes and games, were making up puns at two, and so on. We have a lot of that Mars/Venus stuff going on here. I really think you'll be OK. It's always worth working on what makes you happy with yourself, your spouse and your family/friends.

I only got through part of page two, so eventually I'll be back...

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by connieculkins 

This is one of the reasons why I am often reticent to reach out for support from women.  They have the tendency to be very judgmental with a touch of sanctimony to go along with it.  I think the truth is that most parents of gifted kids are proud, but their guilty subconscious would never allow them to admit this to themselves or anyone else.  This will cause them to 'jump' on anyone that is too honest and explicit about their giftedness, especially topics having to do with pride, feeling different from others, bonding better with gifted people.  They can be very hypocritical, saying that they come to a gifted website to avoid a judgmental attitude, but then when somebody is honest in a normal way they are attacked for it.  In actuality, these people are attacking the part of themselves that they are ashamed of (even though they shouldn't be).

 I know it is PC these days to say that you wouldn't mind if your child had a mental disability, but nobody really believes this.  All parents want their children to be intelligent.  There is a multi-million dollar industry which claims to heighten a child's IQ, yet nobody will ever admit that they would be interested in buying such a product!  Nobody admits that they would ever buy a product to make their kid smarter, but somehow they all end up with at least a few of these products in their home.  Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness.  And how many of the parents on this forum say that they don't have pride in being gifted and they can relate to all types of people, but then like to mention how amazingly gifted they were as children and how the man they chose to be the father of their kids is also gifted.  Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking, but really I'm just defending.

Personally, I've found that people usually say what they mean.  I could go through your points one by one, but I can't see how that would be helpful to OP, so I'll just say that your perception of the world does not match with my experience.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by no5no5 

Originally Posted by connieculkins 

This is one of the reasons why I am often reticent to reach out for support from women.  They have the tendency to be very judgmental with a touch of sanctimony to go along with it.  I think the truth is that most parents of gifted kids are proud, but their guilty subconscious would never allow them to admit this to themselves or anyone else.  This will cause them to 'jump' on anyone that is too honest and explicit about their giftedness, especially topics having to do with pride, feeling different from others, bonding better with gifted people.  They can be very hypocritical, saying that they come to a gifted website to avoid a judgmental attitude, but then when somebody is honest in a normal way they are attacked for it.  In actuality, these people are attacking the part of themselves that they are ashamed of (even though they shouldn't be).

 I know it is PC these days to say that you wouldn't mind if your child had a mental disability, but nobody really believes this.  All parents want their children to be intelligent.  There is a multi-million dollar industry which claims to heighten a child's IQ, yet nobody will ever admit that they would be interested in buying such a product!  Nobody admits that they would ever buy a product to make their kid smarter, but somehow they all end up with at least a few of these products in their home.  Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness.  And how many of the parents on this forum say that they don't have pride in being gifted and they can relate to all types of people, but then like to mention how amazingly gifted they were as children and how the man they chose to be the father of their kids is also gifted.  Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking, but really I'm just defending.

Personally, I've found that people usually say what they mean.  I could go through your points one by one, but I can't see how that would be helpful to OP, so I'll just say that your perception of the world does not match with my experience.

Yeah, that.
 

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by connieculkins 

This is one of the reasons why I am often reticent to reach out for support from women.  They have the tendency to be very judgmental with a touch of sanctimony to go along with it.  I think the truth is that most parents of gifted kids are proud, but their guilty subconscious would never allow them to admit this to themselves or anyone else.  This will cause them to 'jump' on anyone that is too honest and explicit about their giftedness, especially topics having to do with pride, feeling different from others, bonding better with gifted people.  They can be very hypocritical, saying that they come to a gifted website to avoid a judgmental attitude, but then when somebody is honest in a normal way they are attacked for it.  In actuality, these people are attacking the part of themselves that they are ashamed of (even though they shouldn't be).

 I know it is PC these days to say that you wouldn't mind if your child had a mental disability, but nobody really believes this.  All parents want their children to be intelligent.  There is a multi-million dollar industry which claims to heighten a child's IQ, yet nobody will ever admit that they would be interested in buying such a product!  Nobody admits that they would ever buy a product to make their kid smarter, but somehow they all end up with at least a few of these products in their home.  Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness.  And how many of the parents on this forum say that they don't have pride in being gifted and they can relate to all types of people, but then like to mention how amazingly gifted they were as children and how the man they chose to be the father of their kids is also gifted.  Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking, but really I'm just defending.

Actually I said my daughter was severely brain damaged.  She only lived four days, so I did not have to deal with the vast majority of the implications around that. But because we at first were assured, and then hoped, that she would survive, and because I was sitting in the NICU in the dark, dark hours of the night, I can tell you that personally I had my epiphany. It is hard to describe.

I was sort of on this emotional divide where I could feel, inside myself, that I could not bond (at least not right then); that I could care for this baby out of obligation and basic human dignity. Or I could take her right into my arms as MY DAUGHTER and not just care for her but fiercely be there. I let go of the idea that our family was going to look a certain way or have a certain dynamic. None of this is PC. It's not PC to admit that I would have had a choice or that I would care. But I did care. When they first told us about the damage my first thought was "but she has to READ." (And this was after the therapy I mention below.)

And then...I didn't care. I realized that for this child, that was not my job. It was, in my opinion, a moment of grace.

As a child I was valued for my smartness and my capacity, in many ways, to keep my parents entertained, to be a good ambassador, and so on.  It was a very warping experience and I had already spent time in self-reflection and therapy in order not to pass that on to my kids. But I didn't know if I could, until my daughter's cord accident. And then, at least in that timeframe, I could.

I was so, so glad I had already spent some time getting halfway there in terms of being aware that the way my parents chose to value intellect sooooo highly, showing me off (which they did) and making comments about dumber people at the table (which they did) and really modelling a warped view was not a good one. Maybe you have to go through it to get it, I don't know.

It puts so much baggage on you. For a long time I had such trouble dealing with many things -- still do in some ways. If things don't come easily to me I feel like my whole identity is at risk. I can be pedantic. I have missed opportunities to be a better person rather than be "right."  I have at times defined myself too narrowly.

There are past threads around on this board where people talk about their similar experiences. If we're going to get all speculative about it, I would say if there has been a strong reaction, it's probably the reverse of what you've implied - it's more that there are a number of Formerly Gifted Children(tm) who have wounds that haven't healed about 'what if I'm not so smart after all' or being valued more for intellectual development/accomplishment than for their feelings, rather than trying to create intelligent life in their families. But as I said - speculation.

I know when I read the OP's original post I felt there is a minefield out there for her that she's feeling her way around. Verbal wit is great and a source of joy but as someone wisely said, code-switching is too. Maybe you didn't have the experience of being in a family where the membership stick was your brains, but I did and it's just as if it were being blonde and blue-eyed or sporty or whatever. It doesn't foster an acceptance of who people really are, unless they fit that narrow band - all the time. And no one does all the time.

My kid is who he is. I don't have to wish for him to be some other way. There might be traits to support and traits to help him navigate but - it is so not my job to set up an ideal person. He is who he is. He comes fully loaded in that way...I can structure his experiences but he's the one who will make something of them or not. I want him to know deep down in the core of him that I and his father love him whether he's smart as a whip or dumb as a stump, and that what is most important to us is his happiness - not his accomplishments.

I do believe the OP would find it easier in practice to find that balance with her future kids than in theory. But from her initial post about her husband and her family dynamics, and also that she's worrying, that some professional guidance might be helpful. She could indeed start with her perceptions about her husband, if she wanted. Maybe that's not her path. But she asked and definitely that's my answer - if you're preparing yourself for kids, prepare to examine your beliefs around intelligence and its relative importance. I think she's gotten a good range of response, myself. And OP I've been impressed with your responses and I think it will all be just fine.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by connieculkins 
  Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness.  And how many of the parents on this forum say that they don't have pride in being gifted and they can relate to all types of people, but then like to mention how amazingly gifted they were as children and how the man they chose to be the father of their kids is also gifted.  Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking, but really I'm just defending.

I didn't mention therapy, but I agree with that recommendation.  Isolation and relating to the non-gifted is part of the gifted experience. Learning to handle it is part of becoming a gifted adult. OP isn't handling it well. She sounds lonely.

No one is trying to "fix her giftedness." They're suggesting that a therapist could help her see her own gifts and her husband's gifts in a more balanced way, and that a therapist could help her find ways to fill her needs as a gifted person. OP is clearly not getting her needs met. I don't recommend Mensa much, but for OP, even a Mensa meeting or regional gathering would probably be helpful. Involvement in a professional community or social community that attracts gifted people would also probably help -- if there's a local university, she might find some people to hang with there.  I'd also recommend finding a therapist who specializes in gifted issues. My son's testing psychologist also works with gifted adults.

As far as children goes... I don't have an issue with OP wanting gifted kids. I wanted gifted kids.  There's a difference between hoping for gifted kids and hoping for a Mini-Me.  Kids are themselves. They have their own personalities and interests and abilities the second they come out. You have to be ready for it.

My kids are not gifted exactly like me. DS1 in particular has some very different gifts with especial strengths in visual-spatial abilities that I don't share, at least not to the degree that he has them. He's an interesting child to parent because his experiences and interests are new to me. (Although I must admit that I never really never wanted to be a Lego minion.) 

[kcparker]

Originally Posted by bobcat I am worried about family connections, and all of us feeling like we are close. I guess it just doesn't have to be MY definition of closeness? ...

It's not easy having to ask the same question about 5 times, before I get the appropriate answer (a question like, "do you want lasagna, or no, since we had pasta last night?"). I feel like every exchange is a struggle, to get anything out of him. I wonder how that will work in the future too, if the kids take after him, and I have to struggle to just get someone to listen to basic things like, "we aren't doing X today, like usual, so don't forget." So I think it's all kind of part of my constellation of worries. I am not doing the best coping with it.

Just food for thought from a developmental psychology class I just finished taking - men tend to bond by participating in activities together, and when they talk, it's often about concrete, tangible things and is focused on solving problems. When women develop an intimate relationship, they talk and share parts of their interior existence - worries, health concerns, feelings. They bond by empathizing with each other and sharing their emotions. This is a very grand generalization, but it's something to think about with the husband and any kids you have. Consider that you may develop closeness through shared experiences - playing music as a family, going on camping trips, training dogs, playing chess, helping your chilld build a treehouse, as well as through talking.

Also, thinking about communication styles, sometimes a kid who won't listen to verbal instructions will respond to a picture or the sound of a timer going off...all this stuff isn't worth worrying about right now though. I'm not discounting your fears, but just saying that you don't know who is coming to join your family, and whatever "plans" you have, just throw them out the window right now because your future children have not read them. Parenting is a role in which we have to be present to what is and look for creative solutions to whatever momentary problems we may be facing with discipline, communication, food preferences, or the myriad of other challenges crop up in the long journey of rearing children.

[EVC]

Just food for thought from a developmental psychology class I just finished taking - men tend to bond by participating in activities together, and when they talk, it's often about concrete, tangible things and is focused on solving problems. When women develop an intimate relationship, they talk and share parts of their interior existence - worries, health concerns, feelings. They bond by empathizing with each other and sharing their emotions.

And going back to one of Lynn's ealier suggestions: this is also where some reading in sociolinguistics might prove enlightening. There is some good literature available on the topic of gender and language. 

[Roar]

I can't figure out multiple quoting... so forgive me for the mess here. I'm responding to Connie. Her comments are in italics.

This is one of the reasons why I am often reticent to reach out for support from women.  They have the tendency to be very judgmental with a touch of sanctimony to go along with it.  

This sounds very sexist to me. What I see reading this thread is a WIDE variation in responses - sympathy, support, anger, frustration, concern. There were a few posts that were harsher than I wish we'd see particularly directed to a new poster, but clearly many people had strong feelings about the post.

I think the truth is that most parents of gifted kids are proud, but their guilty subconscious would never allow them to admit this to themselves or anyone else. This will cause them to 'jump' on anyone that is too honest and explicit about their giftedness, especially topics having to do with pride, feeling different from others, bonding better with gifted people.  

My observation is that MOST parents are proud of their children and that includes parents of kids with significant disabilities. It is interesting that you consider pride something unique to parents of gifted kids. I don't think the negative reaction here came from the poster being honest about her giftedness but from the suggestion that there was one very narrow idea of people who were gifted or that she could feel comfortable with. To me this seems an obvious road to being not a very happy person. I think it would be worth the poster's time to reconsider how that is working for her and how she will incorporate that into her plan to become a parent.

 I know it is PC these days to say that you wouldn't mind if your child had a mental disability, but nobody really believes this.

Hi, I'm nobody I guess because I believe it because I've seen it many times over parents of children with intellectual disabilities who love their children and feel a great sense of gratitude to have them in their lives.

 There is a multi-million dollar industry which claims to heighten a child's IQ, yet nobody will ever admit that they would be interested in buying such a product!  Nobody admits that they would ever buy a product to make their kid smarter, but somehow they all end up with at least a few of these products in their home.

Actually I believe many people admit they buy these products. They register for them when they have babies and they ask for them as gifts. I've had other parents talk about how they like these products. While it is not my cup of tea and we never owned them I totally understand the appeal. I don't think it is about bragging rights for many people but about a desire to not have your child struggle in life. School, employment, college, etc. are all viewed as more competitive and parents don't want to worry about their kids getting behind. They want life to be easier for their kids.

Someone said the OP should see a therapist because she honestly mentioned that her husband isn't gifted in the same way she is and that maybe she sees herself as superior to her husband.  Wow, and we should all know that one of the signs of being truly gifted is a feeling of isolation and having trouble relating to the non-gifted.  So basically what your saying is that she should see a therapist to 'fix' her giftedness. 

No, I believe you entirely missed the point. I'm one of the people who suggested she seek therapy. My suggestion was not to fix her giftedness, but to find ways to work through what she's struggling with so she can face this next phase of her life in a more positive and happy way. I totally acknowledge giftedness can be a special need that can present challenges in different aspects of life. My suggestion of therapy is one made with a kind heart and the hope that she can find a way to come to a more positive place in her relationship and with her own expectations so she can approach parenting with more peace and less stress. I have seen too many times how the sorts of expectations she's got can lead to difficulty in parenting and later regrets. I think a little time on the couch now might prevent some challenges later. Pregnancy, birth, parenting a baby and a toddler... these are all such wonderful things and I like to see women approach these with the joy that comes from having a light heart.

[starling&diesel]

GuildJenn ... Hear, hear!
 

Originally Posted by GuildJenn 

[Being gifted] puts so much baggage on you. For a long time I had such trouble dealing with many things -- still do in some ways. If things don't come easily to me I feel like my whole identity is at risk. I can be pedantic. I have missed opportunities to be a better person rather than be "right."  I have at times defined myself too narrowly.

[EVC]

Edited by EVC - 12/8/10 at 3:43pm