I think sometimes the problem is that I feel guilt for choosing my husband, which some of you have alluded to.
I think the reason I feel that guilt, is because I have had OCD since childhood, and often feel guilty for things I shouldn't, because of my extreme perfectionism. It isn't just the OCD, but knowing that I have OCD can give you insight into the extremes my personality can take. It's not that I'm a snob......I wish I could get rid of being such a perfectionist, but I literally can't let go of some things. There are probably a small subset of people with OCD and above average IQ that realize how painful and dangerous of a combination this can be. You think yourself straight into hell, and you just want all the pressure of all those thoughts to go away. It's a wonder I am not a drug addict, because living in my brain is not always pleasant.
I realize I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing my husband, because we are in love. I truly believe we are soulmates. When I was a child, I would feel guilt for ridiculous things. I think all my expectations and perfectionism have attached to my future, and I beat myself up, because I blame myself for not making the best choices, when in my HEART, I feel like I made the right choice. Does that make sense?
I think I am quick to find fault in others, and in myself. I think to myself....".if you don't get along with your children, it is your own fault, because you choose someone that you know you have nothing in common with." It is true, my husband and I are opposites that attract. I don't see him as my inferior, as some have suggested. Just my opposite, in every way. He can do many things I can't, and I marvel at that, everyday.
Him and I have talked about these issues. I have told him that I can't handle the differences, and that I question if I made the right decision in getting married. As you can see, he must be a saint to still be with me. But I think he knows that we are in love, and he knows that my fears are irrational (they are real, and have some convuluted validity, but are still irrational). I think he loves me despite my flaws and doubts, because he knows that our love will be the deciding factor in the end. I think he has faith that my heart is in the right place, even if my brain isn't.
I honestly don't know why I am still posting here, because I feel like I am only inviting more trouble and more controversy, and I am a sensitive person, deep down. But I do feel that I am learning, both from writing out my thoughts, and mostly, from others' responses. I may end up asking the mods to delete this discussion, for my own sanity.....or just because I am so intensely private with it comes to the internet (posting like this is unlike me), that I don't want this archived online forever. (So I obviously really feel that I need help if I'm posting).
At the end of the day, I know that staying with my husband is the right thing. I know what is WRONG---that I'm beating myself up for making a positive choice. That is the real problem.
The worries about our future children mostly stem from the current problems between hubby and I, which are mostly my fault. I think in many ways I'll be a great parent, but I just know I need to better understand my fears first. I think some of the insights you all have brought up will help, and could possibly be the difference between me understanding and not understanding my fears.
In a way, I do think I'm a bad person, though I know my heart is pure. It seems like I get it wrong in the execution, not the intention. I do think my expectations are too high, like someone here said. And I don't think I can handle things not ending up how I expect them to be. I need to be better at that. But I don't know how, because it is my personality. (so I guess that's why I think better understanding is what I need, like learning about different personality types/intelligence types).
What is ironic, is that my physical health as an adult is terrible (chronic fatigue that has been disabling), so it's not like my life ended up how I wanted it to be, so far. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on being a parent in the future, because I know that is really the only thing left that can go as I planned it?
I really am not fixated on plans though. Deep down, the root of the fear is feeling satisfied with my relationship with my children. They don't need to achieve anything special. I honestly don't care what their IQ ends up being, I was just moreso worried about the consequences......like will I struggle to relate to them like I have with my husband? I know i won't feel guilt, because you don't pick your kids, like you do your husband. So I know I will love them unconditionally.
I still have a lot to think about and work though.
If this topic does get deleted, it's because I decided not to have a permanent record of my dirty laundry on a website, and it's also because I already read through the responses and archived/took notes on what I needed to study more or think about more.
Thanks for the responses so far; they are amazing, actually.
Also, I want to respond to the whole Thanksgiving scenario I set up in the first post. Reading what I said in the original post makes me cringe. Yikes. But I think I should explain a little, now that I've had more time to process why I said what I said.
My husband's family is definitely on the extreme opposite of some of the things I value and was raised to....do. I won't give too much detail into their background, but they were brought up in "hard times." You eat, then you go back to work. You don't talk. Work was valued, not talk. I think it's a cultural thing, that stems from a place that isn't the U.S. (I won't give the country of origin, for privacy reasons). Thanksgiving dinner with them literally lasted like 15-20 minutes. Barely a word was said. Honestly, it horrified me. My husband has picked up some of those habits.
I can see that there are many reasons why something like this would occur (the Thanksgiving scenario that I just described), but in a way.....I blame myself. I wonder if these are personality traits, not habits, and I wonder if I'll have to force my kids to talk to me? I will admit, I also wondered if it was IQ, but the more you all have been talking to me, the more I've realized that is a dangerous assumption to make. Then I wonder if this is what I married into, and I should just get used to it?
Just wanted to give you all a little more background.
Edited by bobcat - 12/7/10 at 7:38pm