shoe drama?! wwyd? - Page 2

[lynsage]

I'd take the pink shoes to the Salvation Army and tell your mom they fell off of DD at the mall the first time you took her out in public wearing them....OOOPS 

Ok, so that would probably be baiting, and it wouldn't stop her from buying more pink shoes. I agree with some of the PPs here- you're dealing with a power struggle with a narcissistic individual and if you back down now, she'll keep trying to steamroll you for the rest of her life or until you or DD finally stand up to her, whichever comes first.

I absolutely would not give the shoes back- she's going to force your DD to wear them and you all know it. If DD clearly doesn't like the shoes but "always puts them on for her", she's making the kid wear the shoes, not offering her a choice. Somebody needs to point out to Grandma that it's beyond the verbal scope of a child that young to express that one pair of shoes might be more comfortable on her feet than another- she's making it out like your DD is making a fashion choice, which she may well be, but at that age it seems far more likely to me that DD doesn't like the way the pink shoes FEEL on her feet and she shouldn't be forced to wear them!

You feel like your mom's comments on your parenting are disrespectful because THEY ARE. That's great that your mom is a big help most of the time, but she needs to be told to get in line with your parenting decisions, and DD's father's, regardless of his relationship status with you, or you'll be forced to find help elsewhere.  You don't need help from someone who is so stuck on her own issues that she can't recognize or respect your DD's feelings and needs and makes everything about herself.

[Tigerchild]

Just wanted to encourage you, OP (we do come from similar backgrounds, as far as mother behavior)--when you defend your territory with strength (vs. reactivity) it has the potential to get better.  It is hell during the transition process, because like a kid, she will test and test you (and will do so occasionally even after the new equilibrium has been achieved).  Maybe it's just my personality, but I find it easier and easier to put her in her place immediately the longer I've been used to claiming (and defending immediately whenever necessary) my territory.

It is hard to deal with ambivalent feelings.  I notice you don't want to ruin the relationship that your mom has with your kid.  And being more clear may not--but please be advised that sometimes when you take away a problem parent's ability to focus their negative issues on you (esp. since it seems like your kid's dad is reaching the point where he will not allow her to target him either) then it can focus on the person that is in front of them (your kid) esp. if they already have empathy issues.  In addition, your DD is rapidly reaching the point that often triggers people with massive control issues.  If you give her those shoes, it will get there even sooner when eventually your DD will reject your mom's clothing choices for her, having not been groomed 100 percent to give in, like you were.

You are going to need to be VERY vigilant (and probably would need to be no matter what), and not let your need for a good grandma-grandkid relationship get in the way of protecting your daughter.  If your mother is truly narcissic, that is going to happen across relationships, esp. when your DD moves into the defiant and not so cute stages.  IMO it's better to establish those boundaries and rigorously enforce them now.  (it's also excellent free therapy for you too, though it is HARD.)  I think it would be kind to give your former partner a heads up if you are changing your pattern with your mom, he's going to get attacked as well.  OTOH it might be very empowering for you two to work in a united front about control issues (will also freak your mom out most likely), and you certainly will have a support who can help you remember that no, you're not the crazy one here.

[camracrazy]

Do the shoes fall off easily? I'm just asking since your mother said she lost one in the grocery store. I could see it being annoying if you were watching a child several times a week and were trying to run errands and the shoes kept falling off. If that was my mom I could easily see her going to buy a pair of shoes that didn't fall off.

If it's just a control issue, then I would firmly state that she would be wearing whatever the shoes that she felt were more comfortable. If it's really an issue of the shoes she likes don't fit properly and fall off (and believe me, I know about favorite pairs of shoes that kids want to wear no matter how they fit!!) then I would send the pink shoes with her and let her wear them for outings she goes on at Grandma's house.

[GuildJenn]

"Mom, we've discussed this a few times now. I think the matter is closed." ETA... "she'll arrive wearing what she's chosen that day."

[littlemizflava]

i would not give back the pink shoes but i would get shoes that dont fall of that your dd loves. i wouldnt care about the changing of the clothing as long as it is clothing that you sent. it would start to bother me if she had a stash of clothing and shoes at her house.

[kasey08]

Your mom sounds very similar to mine. In regards to the shoe situation, I had to tell my mom she could buy any shoes she wants for DD as long as they were from www.seekairun.com . Somehow this worked, I guess because they have a big selection and some that are not my taste at all, but that my mom would love. Even if they are ugly to me, they are softer soles (important to me) and free shoes! Otherwise my mom would buy 5 new pairs of uncomfortable/hideous shoes at Target every week and expect them to be worn whenever she visits. I do try to put DD in the stuff she buys when I know she'll be seeing her, mostly to be nice, but honestly it's the only time those clothes ever get worn.

[lonegirl]

I guess my thoughts were "they are just shoes"....sometimes we have to do things we don't like....this is something we are teaching ds.  It is a reality of life....if it is not a safety thing then...suck it up....sometimes we do things for other people even if we don't want to (the family is shopping, 4y/o doesn't want to go into store, well sorry you don't get a choice in that case).  Gramma gave you these shoes and thinks they are special, how about wear them for her and make her happy and feel special.   Just my opinion even if it crosses what most say.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by lonegirl 

I guess my thoughts were "they are just shoes"....sometimes we have to do things we don't like....this is something we are teaching ds.  It is a reality of life....if it is not a safety thing then...suck it up....sometimes we do things for other people even if we don't want to (the family is shopping, 4y/o doesn't want to go into store, well sorry you don't get a choice in that case).  Gramma gave you these shoes and thinks they are special, how about wear them for her and make her happy and feel special.   Just my opinion even if it crosses what most say.

I can see where you're coming from, but I don't believe in teaching my children that they are responsible for the happiness of others. I think little girls, especially, are often groomed to become people-pleasers.

Doing something to make someone happy should not come from a sense of guilt or coercion, IMO. Yes, sometimes we have to do things we don't like. Important things, like going to work when we feel run down, or making dinner for the family, or a myriad of other essential tasks. Do we really need to teach a toddler that grandma will have a crying-fit-temper-tantrum if we don't wear pink shoes? What's next?

And yes, OP, your mother sounds like she has serious control issues and is also manipulative. Boundaries need to be enforced NOW, while your LO is still little.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by lonegirl 

I guess my thoughts were "they are just shoes"....sometimes we have to do things we don't like....

........

 Gramma gave you these shoes and thinks they are special, how about wear them for her and make her happy and feel special.   Just my opinion even if it crosses what most say.

I think if it was just about these particular shoes and showing appreciation to Grandma for the gift, I would agree with you. It's good manners to wear a gift when you see the giver, even if it isn't quite your style or to your liking.

In this case though, there are much deeper issues around control and respecting boundaries that are at work.  Grandma isn't just giving a gift out of love and generosity. She wants her decisions about appearance to prevail. She has an ulterior motive underlying the choice of this "gift". She has a long history of this behaviour with the OP and she's now working on the next generation. So it isn't just about these shoes. They represent bigger relationship issues that will continue to aggravate. 

[ancoda]

If the issue was just the shoes I would give in, but it sounds like she wants to micromanage many aspects of your daughters life.  So I really would not give in and would try to find someone else to watch your DD. 

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

She'll outgrow the pink shoes in a couple of months, but your mother's attitude is going to persist for a lot longer.  After the shoes, it will be her winter jacket or the kind of hat she wears or how her hair is done. If you don't want to address your mother's control issues and discuss them with her, then I'd consistently and firmly (but as gently as possible) maintain your boundaries, as you have already described them. You are the parents and you respect your dd's independence. 

You can commiserate with your mother about how you feel when your dd rejects clothes that you've bought her.  You can laugh about how much you'll admire your dd's strength of will when she's 20 years' old, but what a pain it is at 20 months. If these attempts to lighten the stress around the situation, don't work, you don't have to engage in any further discussion. Just stick to your principles. (I know it's easier said than done.).   

I suspect that your mother's control issues about appearance probably occurred with you as well, and there's a deeper family history around this issue. The fact that your mother became so distressed and teary about it strikes me as manipulative. That suggests a whole other level of family dynamics. If it really is just about these shoes, then it may not be a big deal to give them back to your mother. 

Yes, to all of this.

[lilyka]

Just to play devils advocate...

do the shoes fall off a lot?  That would annoy me like crazy.  Maybe it is annoying your mom.  Would it be possible to find some more practical shoes?  Would your dd wear the pink shoes for your mom without having a melt down or even complaining?  It is possible this is something the two of them could work out among themselves without your input.   How much do you value your mom watching your dd?  are you willing to give up the free(?) childcare over shoes?  Is there some kind of compromise you could come to with your mom.  Those shoes may just be really inconvenient and annoying for her.  Maybe she got some tie on shoes in hopes that your dd would wear them, not because they are prettier but because they would stay on.  Maybe your dd could pick out some shoes that would be easier for your mom to live with.

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by lilyka 

Just to play devils advocate...

do the shoes fall off a lot?  That would annoy me like crazy.  Maybe it is annoying your mom.  Would it be possible to find some more practical shoes?  Would your dd wear the pink shoes for your mom without having a melt down or even complaining?  It is possible this is something the two of them could work out among themselves without your input.   How much do you value your mom watching your dd?  are you willing to give up the free(?) childcare over shoes?  Is there some kind of compromise you could come to with your mom.  Those shoes may just be really inconvenient and annoying for her.  Maybe she got some tie on shoes in hopes that your dd would wear them, not because they are prettier but because they would stay on.  Maybe your dd could pick out some shoes that would be easier for your mom to live with.

My mom claims the shoes fall off a lot, however neither me nor dd's dad experience that when she wears them. My mom is highly sensitive, and so the shoe falling off in the grocery store — while a relative non-event to most — was a huge deal, a fiasco on par with getting mugged (really, that sort of emotional charge). It really isn't about the shoes — it was just the shoes that day. The real issue is that my mom tries to undermine me, disrespects me, and generally tries to call the shots with my daughter, which just isn't ok. It really isn't about the shoes, it is about my mom's need for control. And for me, this is about not letting my mom do the same things to dd that she did to me. 

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am standing my ground, subtly and non-confrontationally. We are interviewing a babysitter tomorrow, and I've arranged for dd to come to work with me a couple days this week. Shoe drama aside, we just really can't be reliant on my mom for all babysitting at this point — she's too volatile, and it causes a lot of stress. We hope to let my mom still watch her two days a week for a couple hours, because they really do love each other and i don't want them to not have a relationship (and it's free child care), but otherwise hope to have something else worked out soon.
 

[PoppyMama]

She probably does behave differently for your mother and your mother thinks that she will be that way all the time.  I know my kids will do things easily for my mom that they won't do for me and she has forgotten that I probably did the same thing.  I just nod and smile.  So not worth an argument.  If she wears the shoes for her let your mom have them.  Kids really do get that different houses are different and are pretty tolerant of crazy grandparents.

[lilyka]

From what you said this really isn't about shoes at all.  And I think it is wise that you are interviewing a babysitter.  It sounds better for everyone if grandma can just spend a few hours here and there.  She sounds like she is not the best person to be watching your child in a babysitting sort of way,.