Tween co-sleeping, would like feedback

[piscesolga]

This is Mothering so I am already assuming this is a safe place for this question.  My dd is 10 (going on 15) and still co-sleeps with me.  It kind of just continued, it wasn't planned that way.  She's always had her bed in her own room. She just doesn't sleep in it. Here's the thing.  She's hit an age where she's trying to be controlling about everything I do in my room from keeping the light on or off to using the laptop to the t.v. to whatever. 

Bed time has ALWAYS, and I really do mean ALWAYS been a nightmare for us.  She was a very high need, fussy baby who barely napped, marathon nursed, never played with toys, cried a lot unless she was held, etc etc.  And thank god for breastfeeding, slings and attachment parenting!  But sleeping has never been her cup of tea.  I get it, I would love to be a nightowl too, I used to be one in my teens, but realistically, it doesn't work for our lifestyle. 

Several things are going on.  She's going through a lot of hormonal changes as she hit puberty early this year, so she's now acting like a rebellious teenager, at least in terms of attitude.  I'm tired and get home in time to simply make dinner, spend a tiny bit of time with her and then try to get her to bed.  I'm a single mom and haven't dated in years.  I have a limited social life because I live far from my job so a lot of my time is spent commuting.  By the time I hit the bed, I really want to chillax in my own way.  I have my own personal demons that I struggle with so I'm not the perky, patient, cheerful mother I'd like to be or used to be.  I'm tired, lonely, bitchy, sometimes a bit bitter, etc.  Not always.  And I'm not implying I walk around angry or with a frown, but I think you get the picture. 

I don't mind still having her there, in fact, I still love having her snuggle up against me and love the smell of her hair and skin when she is falling asleep and especially when she wakes up.  Even though she does kick the sh** out of me at night and will clobber me with her elbows and hands as she turns.  Sometimes we lay and chat or play a card game (nothing heavy) or read together. 

It's the drama that I'm sick of.  She is scared to sleep in her room, and trust me, I've tried it all, so after much more drama I kind of gave up trying and here we are.  I waver between letting us just continue the whole family bed concept or insisting she sleep in her room.  All emotional frustration aside, it breaks my heart to know she's scared and I still feel responsible to be her comforter.  I always told her she was welcome in my bed anytime.  (at one point she was sleeping in her bed when she was younger)  I know some of this is lifestyle adjustment, schedule adjustment and attitude adjustment (on my part especially).  I'm really frustrated on all levels and needed to vent.  I hope to hear some loving suggestions, ideas, or even just "I hear ya!".  Thanks.  It's been years since I looked to Mothering as a resource and I'm not sure if it's really more for mothers of younger children only.  But I thought I'd give it a whack.

[Sfcmama]

Hi mama. Welcome back. You might want to try posting I'm the teen section if you don't get many responses here...

Anyways, my babe is still young but I am a family therapist so I hope you don't mind me commenting. Please disregard anything that doesn't resonate with you!

First of all, you sound like such an amazing mom and you definitely deserve a break, some time to nurture yourself. There are a few approaches I can see you taking:
1) taking a possessive/authoritarian stance - continue welcoming her into YOUR bed but letting her know it's under xyz conditions (eg, lights/tv on for as long as you decide). Tweens can often press parents to take a more controlling stance than has existed in the past, especially with AP parents, but sometimes they need that to feel safe.
2) digging deeper into her emotional needs: what is she REALLY afraid of? What are her fears that keep her needing to be so close to you? Does she have experiences with loss that might be affecting her etc? Does she show signs of anxiety in other relationships or settings?
3) a combo - it may be some combination of limit setting and exploration/validation that is necessary to meet both your needs...

These are just the few thoughts I had when reading your post. I hope you can find support and more ideas from those who have btdt!

[hopefulfaith]

I don't have any BTDT advice since my own two are still quite young, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you that you sound like a really great mom.

Given your circumstances, I would be cosleeping, still, as well.  I liked what Sfcmama had to say, though, about the limit setting ("This is my bed and you're welcome to sleep here with me...under these conditions...Otherwise, you can sleep in your own bed.") in combination with exploring her emotional needs.

My sibs and I slept with my mom (single parent) on occasion when we were growing up - bad dreams, bad day, whatever...but it was always with the understanding that it was her bed/her rules, and if she wanted to read late/keep the light on or if she wanted to go to sleep without TV/talking, etc., then that's what it was.  We all had our own beds and if I wanted to read later/listen to music/go to bed early, then we had to do that in our beds.  Just my .02.  :)

(((hugs)))  I'll bet your daughter feels very close to you -- and still will, even when you set limits and help her navigate the guidelines.

[piscesolga]

Here I am thinking I'm awful, and both of you tell me I seem like a good loving mother.  Thank you so much.  Your advice is great and I will take to heart.  THANK YOU 

[chattyprincess]

Just wanted to say you are a good mom and offer further validation. My dds are still young but from my own experience there is something so comforting about a mothers bed. My mom is a single mom and I still love laying on her bed and talking to her or just hanging out. Either while she is getting ready or with her there as well. I dont' get to do it often because we live so far away. but yeah. I have friends growing up that when they were sick they would get into thier parents bed to hang out instead of thier own....

[goinggreengirl]

My younger sister slept with my mom into her early teens. My mom was single from when my sister was a year old. My sister had a bed but never slept in it. I've never asked her why she continued to sleep with my mom.

I can't help with the attitude stuff, but I hope it works out for you. Just wanted to let you know that it's not completely weird to have your tween in your bed.

[McGucks]

Not only do I agree that it's not weird to have your tween sleep with you, but guess what?  My son shared a bed with me until he was almost 12.  My only caution is I learned when he was maybe 5 or 6 to be extremely selective in regards to who I shared that information with.  People think the worst.  I found co-sleeping with my son to be one of the sweetest experiences I've had in parenting.  To wake and see the beauty of your child breathing safely and softly next to you...life is so tough sometimes, and it is very important to treasure tenderness when you can.  I am a former single mother, and I will also say that damn near anything you can do to make life a little easier and a little happier is usually worth it.  I agree with the post that it may be worth looking into why she is so afraid to sleep on her own, but I'll also tell you that, due to some trauma in my childhood, I slept with a light on until I was in my 20s.  My older son is now 15 and I have re-married, but I'll never regret those years of sharing nights with him.  I had joint 50/50 custody, too, so I felt that spending nights close in some way mitigated the amount of his childhood we were not together.  Remember that most cultures continue co-sleeping for years, and many have multi-generational co-sleeping.  You are not weird, dear--our culture is.  Trust your instincts that this is okay to do.  It is.  You will both know when it is time to stop or change.  If it ever gets to the point where you don't want her with you, you could always try sleeping in her room and see how that went.  Single parenting is hard hard hard.  Hang in there and keep the faith.