Anxiety and Anger

[weesej]

I am dealing with so much anxiety and anger. It has been increasing slowly since DD was born. I keep having violent and fearful thoughts flash into my brain, all throughout the day. Like visualizing a car accident, or bizarre things like the stairs will disappear when I go to walk down them and I will fall with the baby. I thought everything was going ok until about 3 months PP, have been using St. Johns since birth and an anxiety blend since about 3 months.

Now my anger at my older kids is increasing so much. I have days I get so mad at little things and then I have horrible violent thoughts flash into my head. I have never hurt them and have kept it under control but at times it gets so bad that I need to come in my room an be alone. I find myself distancing from them and spending increasing amounts of time on the computer to avoid them.

I have been so afraid to go to my Dr about this since I am a member of the birth community and fear that she will judge me (she backs up midwives and i am an apprentice) I realized this was getting out of control and made an appt for next week. i still didn't realize how bad it was until I was typing this out. Somehow that has made it more real, I was trying to ignore it and in writing the words down I realize how bad this is and sounds. I am so sick of feeling this way.

I posted about being worried this would happen a few weeks before DD was born. I couldn't talk to my midwife and teacher for fear of loosing my apprenticeship and the little I did share made her think I was too worried and I lost it anyway Now thinking back that was right when DD was 3 months and things began to get worse. I have secured another appretince ship. I know everyone is probably thinking I shouldn't be worring about that and be concentrating on my kids. Birth is a balm to me, I am so much more in tune with my kids and happy to be a Mommy when I am doing birth work. I was happier than I had been in years when I got the apprenticeship. I was gone an average of 12 hours a week, so it is minimal although wacky hours. In any case now I am rambling. just feeling the need for some support.

[Ravenmoon]

I'm nursing and i have done a lot of research regarding what i can do naturally for my anxiety and depression.

First~control your blood sugar.Eat within 30 minutes of waking up and make sure it is something full of protein.Eggs,protein smoothies,oatmeal.Eat several small meals a day with lots of protein and lesser amounts of refined foods and sugars.Up your veggies and fruits.

Second~supplements.
Fish oil(i use nordic naturals omega blend)
Barleans Oils Womens Blend
Prenatals(rainbow lite)
B vitamins(stress blend)
vitamin C

Third~exercise.It is vital for helping with depression and anxiety.It helps to release adrenaline which fuels our anxiety.

If you need more i am taking an awesome herbal formula that has truly rid me of anxiety.I experience small amounts of it but nothing like what i had before.
www.clarocet-nri.com

Also Bach rescue remedy.When i feel anxiety i take this and it calms me.Look into specific remedies.White Chestnut i believe is for obsessive thoughts.

[Ravenmoon]

I grew up in Michigan

[EllasMama]

First of all, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You are not alone, and you are not a bad person. But you do need help, and I'm glad you're working on getting it.

A knowledgeable doctor should never judge a woman for reporting signs of post-partum depression and/or psychosis. Besides the doctor-patient privilege aspect in which a doctor should NEVER judge or pass on information, there is just a modicum of knowledge one needs in order to understand that just like any other disease, no one asks for or brings PPD on herself. A brain imbalance is not a symbol of anything but a brain imbalance. It happens to some people, and not to others, and nobody's exactly sure why.

Having said that, if you don't feel comfortable that discretion and non-judgment would be the case with your doctor, or if you just would feel more at ease seeing someone else, then by all means find another doctor to go to! You can switch entirely or go to a different doctor for this specific problem. You are the consumer and you get to choose who provides you with what care. You owe no allegiance to anyone but yourself. (I know it's hard to switch but if it gives you peace of mind then do it!)

BTW, have you considered therapy, too? I have such a great therapist and treasure the work I've done with her. I also take Lexapro, and treasure the nudge it's given my brain. I'm glad I started with therapy, b/c had the drug alone worked enough to get me feeling decent, I'd have missed out on a lot of self-discovery and growth. PPD hasn't been a cakewalk, but at least I've learned a tremendous amount from it. It's hard for you to see this now, but once you get help and start feeling better, your struggle will be so valuable in your profession working with new moms...some of whom will inevitably experience the same thing. One day, because of your experiences, you'll know just how to help them get the help they need.

Peace be with you,

Carol

[Mamajamz]

I'm about 7 weeks pp. Ugh. Hating it. Things went pretty well the first couple weeks, then starting snowballing. Anxiety mostly, now mixed with depression/weepiness. I took Zoloft this evening for the first time, and now I'm not depressed, just not sleeping at all. :
Anyway, just to comment on the birth biz aspect... I totally understand your desire to keep working. I'm a birth assistant and working with the moms/babies in any capacity seems to keep me afloat. I also think that it is (in the greater scheme of things) a very positive thing that you are experiencing this. Think how understanding you'll be when one of "your moms" comes to you with ppd, which makes such a difference just to have someone who doesn't judge and is just there for you and respects you and your abilities to cope in your own way (assuming that way is good and healthy of course). IMO, if you are truly coping okay with ppd in spite of mood swings, and your preceptor sees it as a liability, perhaps another preceptor might be good. Just a thought.

[Foobar]

Certainly, you should not be judged for admitting you are depressed and having difficulties after a birth. I would agree totally with Ellasmama here!

Yes, we hide behind the truth sometimes, and only when we can tell someone else, do we see how bad things are. hugs coming your way...

You should consider talking to someone outside your mw group if you are worried it affecting your job...

I am glad you find happiness in birth! That's a wonderful thing.

HUGS

[weesej]

Thnaks for your replies.

Yes the Dr should not judge me, probably won't on a personal level. She backs up homebirth midwives and I would like her to work with me on that level in the future, so I am afraid she might judge on a professional level, KWIM. However she is an awesome Dr., I love her and think I will receive the best possible care from her, so I really do not want to go somewhere else.

My preceptor didn't really know I just shared with her some of my worries during pregnancy and then after the baby was born she decided she did not want to work with me until baby was 2 years old. I realized when I started to open up that I was being judged and kept my mouth shut. It was a VERY stressful relationship and I am glad to be done with it, especially since I have another apprenticeship. However, that experience has tainted how I feel about sharing with anyone.

I think I have more good days than not, becuase already I feel like what I wrote was way overreacting. I think I feel this way cyclically during my cycle, much worse at ovulation and after, around PMS times, or when my hormones are making bing changes. However a week of feeling this way os unacceptable to me and my family. It is just easy to dowplay and dismiss when I feel great for several weeks.

[EllasMama]

Just wanted to say that I have much bigger hormonal swings now than I did before I had my daughter. I know I am dealing with depression, but the meds and other things keep it largely at bay except during PMS time. Then I have insomnia, am easily overwhelmed, am much more likely to get sick, and am just angry and sad a lot. So you're not alone with the hormone thing!

[weesej]

I go into the Dr tommorow. I hope it will work. I have been ooking alot at the diet recommendations tonight, I'll be starting there.

[Mamajamz]

I've discovered a wonderful homeopathic rem. for ppd given to me by my *new* family doc. (!) It's called Sepia and is has done wonders in just two doses. I'm off the Zoloft. yippee!