She wouldn't leave him alone,the friends gf who insists on being called auntie!

[MamitaM]

Remember awhile back I posted about my friends gf who insists on being called Auntie? Well she was here last night and annoyed me so much!

I'd been chatting to my friend and the chance came up to mention how I felt about her insisting on being called auntie. I just said I wasn't ready or comfortable with it yet. Then he told me she did this when they first started to date to another good friend of his and that friend also didn't like it. She's also really preasuring him to have kids right now too...and he is not liking that at all!

Anyway they both came over last night, I knew I didn't want her to be all over my son so I put him in the Moby and wore him. I assumed she wouldn't be all over him and kissing him this way. They got here and I sorta made a joke about him hiding b/c he needed some private time. It was ok for a bit then she gets off the couch and starts to put her hands in the Moby and move his head and talk loudly telling him the wake up and then starts to kiss his head! I said "ok thanks for the kisses,he allowed 2 kisses tonight". She stopped but then did it again later even though I kept saying not to! I even said "hey watch out my boobies are not covered up very well in there" thinking that would make her back off! Nope! She also kept saying auntie,even correcting me again when I didn't say it! She also picked her nose in front of me which I hate!! I felt like saying "do you need a kleenex?" when she did it. She finally grabbed one after,but seriously don't pick your nose around me! Nasty!

So how can I get the message to someone who just doesn't take a hint? It really does bother me a lot that she isn't listening to me about not getting into my babies face and doing that darn auntie thing.

[bodhitree]

Did your friend (whose GF it is) say anything to her about it? If all the hints and indirect communication aren't working, you might need to be very, very direct with her. "I'm not trying to be rude, but we save the term 'auntie' for his real aunts, and I'm not comfortable with referring to you that way." Or, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but we need our personal space. Please stop touching us." She might get offended, but even if she does, it would probably get her to stop touching you and calling herself "Auntie." As for the nose-picking, I would just get up and silently hand her the kleenex box.

[MamitaM]

We call my good friend Uncle though so I'm not sure the family only thing would work,but I could say that I'm just not ready for that yet or that my sister will be get jealous. lol I have no brothers that would ever get jealous. I don't  think my friend said anything to her yet about the name thing.

For the kissing thing I thought of saying I wasn't comfortable b/c she works at a daycare and she may have extra germs,but then she may say something like he needs germs.

She is really annoying though! Like why couldn't she get the hint? Is she slow or something? Geeze! That's how I was feeling last night. I really thought she get that when I say he's hiding and having his private time she's understand that meant hands off! I felt bad for my baby b/c he was hot in the Moby and his little face was sweaty! Our apartment is hot and we don't Moby in the house.

[VisionaryMom]

I second being direct. I don't like the whole "auntie" thing anyway for people who are likely to be transient in your child's life (like a friend's girlfriend). I would just say, "we're not going to refer to you as Auntie" and then let the chips fall.

[AtYourCervices]

How would I personally handle that situation? Well, I'm pretty straight forward. I would tell her to please not touch/kiss the baby. If she ignored my request and approached the baby in the sling, I would twist my body so the baby isn't within reach of her, and I'd sternly tell her "No. This is not cool. I already told you to leave the baby alone. If you do it again I will kick you out of my house." (and i would kick her out if she continued)

If she tried referring to herself as Auntie in front of me, I'd correct HER. If she tried correcting me in response, I'd laugh at her and correct her again, then I'd finish it off with a quick glare to stress my point. If she CONTINUED to use the term Auntie I would flat out tell her she isn't "Auntie" and to knock it off.

But I'm pretty blunt. Whenever I'm in a group and there's a person in the group making others uncomfortable I'm always the one chosen to confront the offender.

As for the nose picker, I'd ask if she was digging for gold.

[MamitaM]

I did try to move my body and baby out of the way. I even had him wrapped in a way so there was extra fabric that I could cover his whole head when she got to close! lol Next time I won't even bother to Moby him and just say right away that he isn't to be touched and kissed and if she goes in for a kiss I'll just have to say in my stern voice NO,sorry but not today.

She corrects me when I don't say Auntie each and every time I say just her name or correct her. So I guess since my hints aren't working I'll have to be blunt and straight to the point and not worry about her feelings.

[Shaki]

How about not hanging out with her? Just ask your friend to come solo when he wants to visit. If that's not an option, than yes just say "please don't touch the baby" and block her hand or move away whenever she tries.

I agree with the PP who mentioned no "auntie" type names for someone who is going to be transient in your DC's life. And again you can either tell her directly "we are not going to call you auntie" or just ignore her whenever she "corrects" you and just keep calling her by or name. If you want to be passive aggressive you could stop referring to her by any name at all...

[MamitaM]

I don't think the passive aggressive thing will work b/c she will always refer to herself as auntie,even if I don't say her name at all. Right now my son doesn't know who is who or whatever,it just really bugs me,triggers some bad memories for me. Pi$$es me off when she corrects me with the auntie thing. I don't see my friend often and sometimes he's with her when he visits b/c he spends a lot of time with her. I think I'll tell him again that I'm not comfortable with the auntie thing yet,I feel it's ok since we did all ready talk about it before. Maybe he can mention in to her.

I don't want to have to block my baby each time anyone goes for him. It doesn't seem fair to him or to me. If I want to put him down somewhere I should just have to say one time and one time only "ok he's having his private time so please don't bother him" and have everyone respect it. I feel that no matter what reason I give for something she's going to have something to say about it.

[bodhitree]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

We call my good friend Uncle though so I'm not sure the family only thing would work,but I could say that I'm just not ready for that yet or that my sister will be get jealous. lol I have no brothers that would ever get jealous. I don't  think my friend said anything to her yet about the name thing.

For the kissing thing I thought of saying I wasn't comfortable b/c she works at a daycare and she may have extra germs,but then she may say something like he needs germs.

You could just say, "Sorry, but you are not his aunt." You don't actually need to give reasons or explain things or try to make her feel okay about it. Just be direct and firm, since it sounds like nothing else is going to work with this person.
 

[Catubodua]

anyone who reached inside a sling i had on would have gotten decked.  seriously - why be around her at all?  natural consequences and all ... tell friend that you can't seem him unless he's alone b/c girlfriend doesn't respect your personal space and your choices about what your child will call people.  then stick to it - no exceptions, none, not one, not one more try.   

[Storm Bride]

I'd be very blunt, as per AtYourCervice's post. I prefer not to have to confront people, but sometimes it's necessary. If that didn't work, then I'd ask your friend to please not bring her around.

This woman sounds like she's somewhat unhealthily obsessed with babies, honestly. She's also got obvious boundary issues. I just wouldn't want her around, but if she could be taught to behave appropriately, I may tolerate her in order to see my friend.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

This woman sounds like she's somewhat unhealthily obsessed with babies, honestly. She's also got obvious boundary issues. I just wouldn't want her around, but if she could be taught to behave appropriately, I may tolerate her in order to see my friend.

She's either obsessed with babies or she's obsessed with your friend and trying to create artificial ties to the people in his life to make herself harder to dump- either way, I'd tell him to leave Crazypants at home when he comes over in the future.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

This woman sounds like she's somewhat unhealthily obsessed with babies, honestly. She's also got obvious boundary issues. I just wouldn't want her around, but if she could be taught to behave appropriately, I may tolerate her in order to see my friend.

She's either obsessed with babies or she's obsessed with your friend and trying to create artificial ties to the people in his life to make herself harder to dump- either way, I'd tell him to leave Crazypants at home when he comes over in the future.

Good point. I didn't even think of that, but it's definitely possible. The pattern sounds a lot like someone else I know (who, sadly, got the baby she "really wanted", tied the guy to herself for life...and then kicked him out like yesterday's trash a couple years later).

This behaviour is just not normal, imo. I've been there with the "I want a baby so badly I could burst" thing...for years...and my behaviour around new babies may not have always been perfect, but this is...bizarre.

[MamitaM]

She does want a baby! Right now! With my friend! He and I have talked about it and he isn't ready yet, he was just telling me the other day that he isn't even sure that she's "the one" or not. The few times that I've met her she has always mentioned to me that she wants a baby and is always making comments like "tell Uncle it's time to give me a baby" or "oh you gave that gift to the baby,I thought you were saving that for our baby?". Maybe this is why I'm not comfortable with her. I don't feel comfortable having that "lets have kid/should we have kids" talk with a couple. I think it's a private convo for the couple. Every single time I have seen her she has told me that she wants a baby or wants to get married. My friend gets a look on his face,like he's not comfortable with that kind of talk either.

Yeah,I think next time we talk I'll tell him I'm not comfortable and I don't like conversation and that maybe we can meet with out her. Oh and she works at a daycare,so I think she should know better then to get into a little ones face and kiss them and to not listen to the mother!

[intentionalmama]

It sounds like she is kind of overbearing, and sort of clueless, but she doesn't seem to be intending to be hurtful.  It sounds like you don't like her and she triggers other stuff in you . (I think you said something like that).  You may want to explore that a little - so that she is not such an emotional trigger for you. (if she is)    You have been giving her hints but it doesn't seem like she is really getting them.

I think as other said you need to be direct with her.  I would try to pull her aside next time she came over and say something like

You know, I wanted to talk to you because I have noticed how much you seem to really care about "child;s name."   What I feel uncomfortable with is that you don't seem to take my hints about

not touching "child" and hovering over him/her, etc. (whatever it is that annoys you). And I need you not do this. I also don't want to offend you, but I don't feel comfortable with referring to you as child's aunt.  So I am not going to do that.  I know you don't mean any harm and I appreciate that you care about my child. 

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by intentionalmama 
 I know you don't mean any harm and I appreciate that you care about my child. 

I'm curious as to where you got the impression she cares about the OP's child?

[Tigerchild]

I hope your friend is taking personal responsibility for birth control (i.e. his own condoms, every time, or whatever).

Otherwise it's likely that whether she's the one or not, if you want him in your life, you're going to have to deal with her too when she gets knocked up.

I also wouldn't have a problem with saying, "Excuse me, but info about your reproductive life is a little TMI for me.  Could you save those comments for a different time?"  Be blunt, every time.

It could be that she does have little to no social skills.  IME people learn better when people are honest.  Call a spade a spade.  "When you keep touching me and my baby after I ask you politely to stop, I feel violated.  If you do it again, you and BF will need to leave."

I'd also have to kind of wonder about your friend.  Does he not have much in the way of social skills, and you are just accustomed to him?  Kind of odd that he passively stands around and lets a GF whom he's not even serious about start to ruin two friendships, but...his choice.

So I think you can be blunt with him too.  "I like you.  I enjoy spending time with you.  I don't really want GF around unless she controls herself.  I'm willing to give it another chance, but after that, she's not really invited to our house if she screws up again.   I'm just telling you so that you don't think that it's you we don't like, and I'm not asking you to choose or dump her or anything, if you feel the need to be a "package deal" then I will respect that, but it does mean that we can't really hang out for awhile if this behavior continues."

[MamitaM]

My friend is a great guy with really good social skills,he's very social too. A lot of people like him. They've been together for a year now,yesterday was their 1 year anniversary she told me. I did chat to him a little on fb a while ago about the auntie thing and asked how serious he was. I kinda wanted to encourage him to date someone else,but I'd feel kinda bad if they broke up b/c of me. I did ask him to imagine what it would be like with out her though. If he isn't sure about her then maybe he should look around. I'll ask about birth control! I feel I can ask him that!

I'm on fb now with a mutual friend of ours,she hasn't met this gf b/c she's not in the country now,but her friend has and she doesn't like her either. So it isn't just me.

[lynsage]

With the new information, it sounds to me like she can see the end looming and she's trying to use the people close to him to pressure him into marriage and a family to get a last-minute stay from the governor...I don't think it has anything to do with caring about your kid or even liking him on any real level. Smells like pure, unadulterated desperation to me.

[MamitaM]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

With the new information, it sounds to me like she can see the end looming and she's trying to use the people close to him to pressure him into marriage and a family to get a last-minute stay from the governor...I don't think it has anything to do with caring about your kid or even liking him on any real level. Smells like pure, unadulterated desperation to me.

Yes! That's how it seems to me as well! Desperate! She seems to be trying to hard to get in with me. I want my friend to be happy and I don't know if he is with her. I have the feeling he isn't as happy as he could be.