Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama
I guess it doesn't help that my DH isn't fully on board yet and tonight we talked and I found out he's less on board than about a week ago.
First off, howdy neighbor!
Oooh, do you think there's any chance that he is less on board BECAUSE of the stress you're getting from family? If so, that would really tick me off!! I think I'd say something to family explicitly about that, something along the lines of, "*I* am confident, but DH is being a bit more of a Nervous Nelly on things - which is normal! Birth IS something to be nervous about, wherever you give birth. And THANKS TO YOU, he is now stressing over the HB plans. I really don't appreciate you causing some added stress for him and CAUSING STRESS IN MY MARRIAGE because now he's torn between SCIENCE AND FACTS that I've presented him with and EMOTIONAL FEAR-MONGERING that he's getting from you!"
OK, a little harsh, I'd probably tweak the phrasing, but I'd confront my family members on that one. It is often hard enough getting a DH on board with HB, but if I had my family making that task even harder, I'd be pissed!
We too are not telling parents in advance. Perhaps you could throw at them, "I was considering not telling you in advance. Now I'm regretting my decision to be honest with you about my choices." If I were your family, I would personally find that a hurtful statement (although totally true & you'd be totally justified in saying it!) perhaps if they step back & realize that, you are being open & honest and inviting them into your life with your honesty, and they are reacting so horribly - maybe they'll realize how awful their actions are, feel a little guilt, and back off?
Because, as you could say, "I'm an adult now and I'm going to make up my own mind. & it's simply inevitable that I'll make some choices you disagree with. I love you & respect your opinions, so I am happy to hear what you have to say. But there's nothing you can say anti-HB that I don't already know (because I've done a TON of research.) So I don't want to hear it anymore. If you can't respect my choice and "agree to disagree" then perhaps we can't have an open & honest dialogue as 2 adults." [In other words - I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU what I'm doing, and I'm going to, sorta, shut you out of my life a little bit."
Again, that might shake them up. Might make them realize the potential consequences of their actions-- that you shut them out of your life somewhat.
Now that your parents DO know, I personally would worry about what happened if I transferred. I KNOW I would hear, "Oh THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! OH what would have happened if you didn't transfer?!?! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place." While this isn't quite an "I told you so" it is a testament to how HB "failed" and shouldn't ever be attempted in the first place. I don't want that & I wouldn't need it (since, obviously transferring in and of itself would be stressful & disappointing enough - I wouldn't need that sh!! on top of it after the fact!) That is my primary reason for not telling our parents in advance.
So rather than putting too much effort into 'selling' your family on HB, I would at least try to sell them on the idea that transferring is NOT a "failure" of HB and is NOT "proof" that HB is dangerous & insane! It is an escalation of care the same way a general practitioner would transfer to an oncologist if a problem arose. That doesn't mean that GP "failed" - it's how medical care is supposed to work!
Not only that, but if you transferred at any point, you should be commended for making the right choice - for doing something you didn't want to do because you know it's in the best interest of you and/or baby. Transferring will have BEEN THE RIGHT CHOICE - again, not "proof' that HB failed or you were reckless for attempting it! NOT transferring at signs of need for transfer is the reckless choice - so being treated like I was reckless if I DID transfer would really piss me off too.
As for DH, you are uncomfortable with the hospital (TOTALLY understandable) & he is uncomfortable with HB -- somewhat understandable as well. As I always say on this issue, it really is truly difficult to overcome the cultural indoctrination most of us Americans have received our entire lives that birth is dangerous & needs "management" by docs in hospitals. Compound that with family pressures & it's really difficult to allow the intellectual realization to overcome the emotional fears. I get that, I really do.
So the result?? One of you has to compromise.
Um, yeah, it shouldn't be YOU who compromises! LOL. Common sense dictates that.
First of all, you're the one who has to give birth, so you get priority right there - your decisions should carry more weight. (I do think his input should be part of the decision-making process, but a smaller part.)
But second of all - literally - you must be emotionally comfortable for birth to go well! Your emotional comfort has an impact on the physiological progress of the event! Whereas his doesn't. (OK, if he's REALLY stressed, he could stress you, but assuming that's not the case - or assuming you mutually decide to just not have him present & watch the kids if he can't get truly on board.)
So, there you go, you win. ;)
As for "everyone used to HB not long ago." Um, yeah, true, and a lot more babies & women used to die in childbirth not long ago as well. So I find that to be a poor argument. It is the safety HB NOW vs. Hospital birth NOW that is relevant. & I find it's best not to even mention an argument that could provide fuel for the fire to the opposition cuz they'll latch on to the issue like a rapid dog! Heck, once when I mentioned the awful state of modern American maternity care (no mention of HB), my BIL replied, "Well, much fewer women & babies die in CB now than a century ago!" WTF? Yeah, that is totally true. I'd never deny that fact. But how is that relevant?! It's comparing modern American maternity care to modern maternity care in other nations like the Netherlands that is what is relevant.
Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama
He's super busy with work and he was taking a class so he hasn't had any time to do some reading or research.
He says that he doesn't think I know enough of the facts of the hosp side, and I'm like what else do I need to know??
Ok, sorry, not to insult your DH, but this ticks me off - maybe there is something I'm missing, but it rings as very disrespectful. Why can't he TRUST YOU that you have done your research? if he hasn't had time to do research of his own, why is he doubting that you haven't done enough? On what possible grounds can he deem your current level of research "inadequate"?? It just strikes me as utterly disrespectful of YOUR ability to do research and YOUR ability to make informed choices.
On the contrary, he should be GRATEFUL that you've done the research since he doesn't personally have the time to do it! Divide & conquer- that's a great tool in having a successful partnership in life. I personally did very little research on vaccines, but my DH said he did lots so I was glad to say, "OK, great, I will defer to your decision! I've been so busy reading up on everything else, since YOU feel confident that you've researched the issue adequately, I'll leave the decisions up to you."
Now, that is not to say that I wouldn't have researched on my own if I felt so compelled, & then disagreed & debated with him if my resulting decisions were to differ. But I did not feel so compelled, I was GLAD to leave that one parenting issue un-researched & leave it in his hands. LOL, cuz I researched everything else to death! and actually, I DID do some research, just not enough in my judgment.
As another poster said, you can always back out with the MW. Worst case scenario, you are out some money you put down for a deposit. That's a better "worst case scenario" then NOT committing with the MW & risking that she books up for your due month & can't take you on, then you're left without choices. :( (Incidentally, if this is KW, I'm using her as well! If it's KC, I've heard tons of great things about her too.)