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I guess this is a common thing....

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 

To get so much negative crap from everyone when it comes to wanting a homebirth. I haven't told "everyone" but some of my family does know. On purpose I did not tell my mother yet(was planning on it maybe while in labor, lol) b/c she's a nurse. Ugh. So she completely freaked out on me when she found out a couple months ago. Then her bff, who's a l&d nurse, also freaked out on me this past w/e. They just went on and on and on....now my BIL is giving me all of these "facts" and constantly telling me that I'm being selfish and only making this decision to "experience" something. I'm only 16wks right now and I'm feeling so stressed! I feel like if this birth doesn't go perfectly that they will all have been "right". I guess I should add that my first was an "emergency" csec(cord was wrapped twice) and my second came out with the help of the vaccuum as a vbac. After learning SO much about homebirthing *I* am confindent that I can do this, but hearing all of this negativity is exhausting. It's like I'm fighting with them every day. *sigh*

 

I've watched Bus of being born and I'm getting ready to read Push, but any other good books/movies I can read and then maybe tell ppl to just go and read/watch themselves?

post #2 of 47

This thread is current and nearly identical as far as responses you will get: 

 

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1277864/vent-so-tired-of-the-judgement

post #3 of 47
Thread Starter 

Yes, thank you. I saw that one but still just needed a vent of my own. I know it's almost exactly like that one but so didn't want to hijack her thread so I posted my own. I did read the responses and they are alot of help but I still feel very frustrated and stressed. I guess it doesn't help that my DH isn't fully on board yet and tonight we talked and I found out he's less on board than about a week ago. greensad.gif

post #4 of 47

Pushed is a great book and I would also highly recommend "Born in the USA" by Dr. Marsden Wagner and Dr. Sears's "The Birth Book."  I hope you can overcome the negative reactions and feel confident in a homebirth!  Good luck!

post #5 of 47

DH's are rarely on board at first.  Has he talked to your mw?  I let mine ask all of the horrible "what-if" questions about what she had seen, and what she had done in worst case scenarios.  That really gave my dh the confidence in homebirth.

 

Also - my dh wanted to hear that if we needed to go to the hospital, we would.  I knew I could birth at home, but for some reason he thought I would NEVER go to the hospital, even in an emergency.  Of course, my mw and I would do everything to avoid that scenario, but if there were major issues, I promised him we would go.  Hearing all the reasons for transfer and the fact that we could get there in time, was comforting to him.

 

I think you need to find a mantra for the nay-sayers and just repeat it until blue in the face. (something about your birth, your choice, your educated decision, birth is normal, don't need negativity, etc.)   Then pass the bean dip!

post #6 of 47

Forgot to recommend books.

 

Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering

Baby Catcher

Ina's May's books

 

Watch vidoes of normal homebirths with dh so he knows what to expect.

post #7 of 47

Yeah, my advice would have been not to tell anyone beforehand.  We didn't and it made it so much easier just to call and announce the birth, then when people asked things like "when did you come home from the hospital?" we said, "well, actually ..."  No one could protest because it was a done deal.  But we don't have any family who live near us, so it was easy to keep it from everyone.

 

At this point, I think you need to shut down the conversation with everyone except your DH.  Tell them you appreciate their concern, but you've done your research and this is the right decision for your family, and you do not wish to discuss it further unless they have an open mind.  I don't know how much practice you have standing up to your family, but leaving the situation or hanging up the phone and deleting emails unread could all be good habits to get into.  I'm a firm believer in drawing certain boundaries with family, especially where there are differences of opinion regarding children.  They did what they thought was best for their children, now it is your turn.

 

If anyone actually showed an interest in learning about the topic, you could show them the research.  This is a good link that collects the studies:

 

The Medical Literature on the Safety of Home Birth

 

It doesn't sound like your folks (except DH) are in this category, but they may come around later.  Or, they may come around after a successful homebirth.  Or, they may never come around.  I am so sorry that they are causing you stress.  Your first obligation is to protect yourself and your baby, though, so some distancing may be in order for the time being.

post #8 of 47
Thread Starter 

Thanks mamas. I really appreciate the resources. I'll try and find all of those books at the library or elsewhere. That link will hopefully be good for DH. Yes, we've talked with the mw and he asked lots and lots of questions. He knows we can go to the hosp if needed. He says in his gut he just feels like this isn't the right decision. I'm so upset right now. I feel like I can't even talk to him. It's like he's completely taking away something that should be in my power to do. I'm the one that has to birth this baby and I do NOT want to do it at a hosp! At least not without trying at home first. What makes this so hard for him is that he wants more time to think it over but we have to commit with the mw NOW. There are very few in my state and they're spread out. The one that I'm comfortable with is a county away. She was the mw for several friends and aquaintances of mine. So it's not like I can just find one when he's finally made up his mind. And on top of that our local hosp has a laboring tub but I can not use it since I'm a vbac. Even tho I've had a succesful one already. So I'd have to go into the hosp to deliver just like I did with my other two and I just don't want to do that. I want to be in the comfort of my own home. With just my family, mw and a couple friends for support. I don't want a bunch of strangers this time. I don't think he realizes how instinctual birthing is. And I guess I understand that since he's not the one preg. But when I talk about it it's like he doesn't really believe me. I just pray that he can put aside some of his worries and see my side of this.

 

We have watched the Business of being born together and he was coming around after that movie. Started asking questions like "so, if we have a homebirth what do we do about the kids" or "what's our backup plan?". He's not comfortable with the on-call dr being the one we'd use at the hosp. *sigh*.....so sorry for the huge long vent again. I'm just so upset right now.

post #9 of 47

Mama its your body your choice.  As for your family I would simply tell them that they do not have the right to express their opinion to you anymore.  Especially since they have never attended a homebirth.  Support or nothing....fearmongering to a pregnant woman is morally repugnant.

 

As for your husband, tell him that you are going to employ the midwife, period.  He still has time to do research and no contract is ever set in stone.

post #10 of 47

doesn't you're mother know everyone used to give birth at home- not so long ago? im so sick of everyone's "risk" garbage!! it drives me nuts how "risky" it is to birth a child....seriously. yeah it can be risky for someone who got drugged and cant feel from the waste down! if you have a birth drug free you know whats going on in you're body period. my whole labor i knew where my baby was and i felt confident. if i felt something was wrong i would have taken action. mother's instincts are far more valid than a Drs IMO. im sure with you're first two births you had instincts about what was happening.

 

its you're birth and you're experience. i would say DO NOT let any of them come to the birth b/c they will only freak you out. you need to mentally seperate yourself from the comments. maybe try hypnobirthing early and just do the home course 2x before the birth. it REALLY helped me with everything.

 

Good luck mama and im so sorry you have to deal with this. hug2.gif

post #11 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

doesn't you're mother know everyone used to give birth at home- not so long ago? 



true story.


Edited by kawa kamuri - 12/4/10 at 9:00pm
post #12 of 47

I'm not sure what to do about your dh, but with your mother and BIL, it's time to establish some boundaries.  They need to know that their comments are not welcome and that it is not okay to treat you like that.

post #13 of 47

I LOVED Pushed.  


post #14 of 47

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post

Mama its your body your choice.  As for your family I would simply tell them that they do not have the right to express their opinion to you anymore.  Especially since they have never attended a homebirth.  Support or nothing....fearmongering to a pregnant woman is morally repugnant.

 

As for your husband, tell him that you are going to employ the midwife, period.  He still has time to do research and no contract is ever set in stone.

 

yeahthat.gif The extended family really needs some boundaries!  You have every right to tell them where they can shove their opinions.  The fearmongering gets me all fired up... if it's not health "professionals" who are supposed to have our best interests in mind, it's our own darn families.. ugh!  You hire your midwife and follow YOUR instincts.  It's not your DH that's pregnant afterall. winky.gif

post #15 of 47

To all those mamas-to-be:  you'll know in your heart what is right for you and your baby.  I had three homebirths 25, 20 and 18 years ago on Long Island, NY.  My husband, my invited friends, my midwife and her assistant were there the entire time for me.  I was never left alone unless I requested it for a little while.  I felt that I had a loving. attentive, supportive and talented community around me at all times.  Before deciding the first time, I had a friend who had tried for a home birth the year before, but needed to be transported during the pushing stage, where her son was born shortly in the hospital thereafter.  She gave me the idea to research having a home birth.  The only book that I remember being available 26 years ago was "Spiritual Midwifery", so I read that cover to cover.  I was coached in the "Bradley" method, and that worked well for me. 

     My mother was shocked at my decision at first, but she knew I was quietly determined to do what I felt was best.  I had to fight my insurance company all three times to have them cover the cost which was substantially less than what a hospital birth would have cost.  They eventually covered the expenses all three times.

     What I see going on now, however, as opposed to what went on in the late 1980's and early 1990's, is the monitoring of blood sugar and blood pressure numbers to what I feel are artificially "normal" levels.  I had a successful first homebirth with a blood pressure of 150/100 (and higher, I'm sure, during actual labor.) That would be unheard of today.  And I can't tell you my blood sugar numbers because they were never taken at anytime during my pregnancies.  I had a sonogram done once and that was a week before the due date with my third child, my son, and that was because he was transverse at 39 weeks. (He spent the next week turning just before delivery, and since he was almost a 10 lb baby, I felt it all happen!)

    I know my body.  I tighten up the few times I've had to be in the hospital for other things.  I was relaxed and in control at home.   Also with my third, labor started, the birthing team arrived, and then labor stopped about 8 hours later.  The birthing team went home, I went about my business with my seven-year-old and two-year-old, and re-started labor about a day later.

    Would these things be "allowed" to happen today with all the medical interventions that we do now?  I don't know.  I also won't lie to you and say that they were quick and easy births.  They were labor;  I worked hard.  But none lasted over 12 hours (with the exception of my 2-part labor for my son!)  I'm glad I did what I did.  My children are all healthy and have grown into wonderful adults.  And I know I made the right choice from the very start.

post #16 of 47

I'm not really planning on talking about my birth choices with people.  Very few people have the self control to respect an educated decision that varies from the norm.  Fact of the matter is that I don't know of an OB in my town who will attend a VBAmC at the hospital.  Since the medical community won't offer me this reasonable service (hello, revised AGOC bulletin?!), I have no problem going forward with my home plans.  Frankly, I doubt I'd be successful having this baby at the hospital anyway - pushing in the cold brightly-lit surgical suite, CFM, OB required to be in house the entire time, yada yada.  Of course I'll go in if my midwife thinks it's necessary.

 

Regarding your DH - he has plenty of time to get on board.  And really, it's his responsibility to do so.  There is plenty of evidence that homebirth is a reasonable choice for many many many women and their babies.  The Business of Being Born was the movie that brought my hubby around.  He's become QUITE an outspoken critic of the obstetric industry.  Maybe your DH just needs some space.  If he nees to read something more "scienmatific," then Wagner's book is what I recommend hands down.  Pushed would be good for you to read, but I don't think he should read that first since it's written by a journalist.  He might perceive it as a bit polemic.

 

I think I'm going to get Spiritual Midwifery though I'm not too impressed with the Farm's VBAC policies last time I checked.

 

Good luck.  Keep talking.  We get it.

post #17 of 47
Thread Starter 

My biggest problem with getting DH on board is not whether it'll happen eventually or not...it's that my mw needs to know NOW if we're going to do this or not. He's one that when he commits to something, it's with the intention of following thru on it. And she doesn't have priveledges at our local hosp(she's in the next county) so there's no point in hiring her if we're not going to do a hb. So, we're supposed to be meeting with her on Monday but he is kinda freakin b/c he doesn't feel that he can say "yes" right now. He's super busy with work and he was taking a class so he hasn't had any time to do some reading or research. I'm hoping that I can call her and ask to reschedule our appt for the following week and that by that time he'll have done some more reading. He says that he doesn't think I know enough of the facts of the hosp side, and I'm like what else do I need to know??

 

My heart, gut and everything else is telling me that this is the way I need to go and what I need to do. I have every faith that all will be fine, no matter what happens.

post #18 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama View Post
 I guess it doesn't help that my DH isn't fully on board yet and tonight we talked and I found out he's less on board than about a week ago. greensad.gif


First off, howdy neighbor!

 

Oooh, do you think there's any chance that he is less on board BECAUSE of the stress you're getting from family? If so, that would really tick me off!! I think I'd say something to family explicitly about that, something along the lines of, "*I* am confident, but DH is being a bit more of a Nervous Nelly on things - which is normal! Birth IS something to be nervous about, wherever you give birth. And THANKS TO YOU, he is now stressing over the HB plans. I really don't appreciate you causing some added stress for him and CAUSING STRESS IN MY MARRIAGE because now he's torn between SCIENCE AND FACTS that I've presented him with and EMOTIONAL FEAR-MONGERING that he's getting from you!"

 

OK, a little harsh, I'd probably tweak the phrasing, but I'd confront my family members on that one. It is often hard enough getting a DH on board with HB, but if I had my family making that task even harder, I'd be pissed!

 

We too are not telling parents in advance. Perhaps you could throw at them, "I was considering not telling you in advance. Now I'm regretting my decision to be honest with you about my choices." If I were your family, I would personally find that a hurtful statement (although totally true & you'd be totally justified in saying it!) perhaps if they step back & realize that, you are being open & honest and inviting them into your life with your honesty, and they are reacting so horribly - maybe they'll realize how awful their actions are, feel a little guilt, and back off?

 

Because, as you could say, "I'm an adult now and I'm going to make up my own mind. & it's simply inevitable that I'll make some choices you disagree with. I love you & respect your opinions, so I am happy to hear what you have to say. But there's nothing you can say anti-HB that I don't already know (because I've done a TON of research.) So I don't want to hear it anymore. If you can't respect my choice and "agree to disagree" then perhaps we can't have an open & honest dialogue as 2 adults." [In other words - I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU what I'm doing, and I'm going to, sorta, shut you out of my life a little bit."

 

Again, that might shake them up. Might make them realize the potential consequences of their actions-- that you shut them out of your life somewhat.

 

Now that your parents DO know, I personally would worry about what happened if I transferred. I KNOW I would hear, "Oh THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! OH what would have happened if you didn't transfer?!?! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place." While this isn't quite an "I told you so" it is a testament to how HB "failed" and shouldn't ever be attempted in the first place. I don't want that & I wouldn't need it (since, obviously transferring in and of itself would be stressful & disappointing enough - I wouldn't need that sh!! on top of it after the fact!) That is my primary reason for not telling our parents in advance.

 

So rather than putting too much effort into 'selling' your family on HB, I would at least try to sell them on the idea that transferring is NOT a "failure" of HB and is NOT "proof" that HB is dangerous & insane! It is an escalation of care the same way a general practitioner would transfer to an oncologist if a problem arose. That doesn't mean that GP "failed" - it's how medical care is supposed to work!

 

Not only that, but if you transferred at any point, you should be commended for making the right choice - for doing something you didn't want to do because you know it's in the best interest of you and/or baby. Transferring will have BEEN THE RIGHT CHOICE - again, not "proof' that HB failed or you were reckless for attempting it! NOT transferring at signs of need for transfer is the reckless choice - so being treated like I was reckless if I DID transfer would really piss me off too.

 

As for DH, you are uncomfortable with the hospital (TOTALLY understandable) & he is uncomfortable with HB -- somewhat understandable as well. As I always say on this issue, it really is truly difficult to overcome the cultural indoctrination most of us Americans have received our entire lives that birth is dangerous & needs "management" by docs in hospitals. Compound that with family pressures & it's really difficult to allow the intellectual realization to overcome the emotional fears. I get that, I really do.

 

So the result?? One of you has to compromise.

Um, yeah, it shouldn't be YOU who compromises! LOL. Common sense dictates that.


First of all, you're the one who has to give birth, so you get priority right there - your decisions should carry more weight. (I do think his input should be part of the decision-making process, but a smaller part.)

 

But second of all - literally - you must be emotionally comfortable for birth to go well! Your emotional comfort has an impact on the physiological progress of the event! Whereas his doesn't. (OK, if he's REALLY stressed, he could stress you, but assuming that's not the case - or assuming you mutually decide to just not have him present & watch the kids if he can't get truly on board.)

 

So, there you go, you win. ;)

 

As for "everyone used to HB not long ago." Um, yeah, true, and a lot more babies & women used to die in childbirth not long ago as well. So I find that to be a poor argument. It is the safety HB NOW vs. Hospital birth NOW that is relevant. & I find it's best not to even mention an argument that could provide fuel for the fire to the opposition cuz they'll latch on to the issue like a rapid dog! Heck, once when I mentioned the awful state of modern American maternity care (no mention of HB), my BIL replied, "Well, much fewer women & babies die in CB now than a century ago!" WTF? Yeah, that is totally true. I'd never deny that fact. But how is that relevant?! It's comparing modern American maternity care to modern maternity care in other nations like the Netherlands that is what is relevant.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama View Post

He's super busy with work and he was taking a class so he hasn't had any time to do some reading or research.

 

<snip>

 

He says that he doesn't think I know enough of the facts of the hosp side, and I'm like what else do I need to know??


Ok, sorry, not to insult your DH, but this ticks me off - maybe there is something I'm missing, but it rings as very disrespectful. Why can't he TRUST YOU that you have done your research? if he hasn't had time to do research of his own, why is he doubting that you haven't done enough? On what possible grounds can he deem your current level of research "inadequate"?? It just strikes me as utterly disrespectful of YOUR ability to do research and YOUR ability to make informed choices.

 

On the contrary, he should be GRATEFUL that you've done the research since he doesn't personally have the time to do it! Divide & conquer- that's a great tool in having a successful partnership in life. I personally did very little research on vaccines, but my DH said he did lots so I was glad to say, "OK, great, I will defer to your decision! I've been so busy reading up on everything else, since YOU feel confident that you've researched the issue adequately, I'll leave the decisions up to you."

 

Now, that is not to say that I wouldn't have researched on my own if I felt so compelled, & then disagreed & debated with him if my resulting decisions were to differ. But I did not feel so compelled, I was GLAD to leave that one parenting issue un-researched & leave it in his hands. LOL, cuz I researched everything else to death! and actually, I DID do some research, just not enough in my judgment.


As another poster said, you can always back out with the MW. Worst case scenario, you are out some money you put down for a deposit. That's a better "worst case scenario" then NOT committing with the MW & risking that she books up for your due month & can't take you on, then you're left without choices. :( (Incidentally, if this is KW, I'm using her as well! If it's KC, I've heard tons of great things about her too.)

post #19 of 47
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post

Incidentally, if this is KW, I'm using her as well! If it's KC, I've heard tons of great things about her too.


Hi! Yes, it is KW. Where are you located? I'm in Harford Co.

 

I think my DH just feels better if he can read things for himself. I am doing some reading now, and I've talked with LOTS of hbing mamas that I'm friends with, but I haven't done *that* much "research". We've talked with the MW, watched TBOBB, and now I'm in the process of getting thru some books, starting with "Hey! Who's having this baby anyway?". My chiropractor had a hb a couple years ago(and is prego and planning a second one-she sees KC) and her and I have talked ALOT. DH sees her too(well, it's her and her DH) and he actually asked last night whether she'd had one or not. I'm trying to get him to go in for an appt to get adjusted and talk with her DH about it. I think it would REALLY help him to talk with other DHs but he's such a poop head when it comes to socializing. I think he feels stupid or something. I tried to get him to go to KW's potluck a few weeks ago but he didn't want to. I think he'll go talk to our chiropractors tho. And I know they are both SO pro-hb and would just LOVE to talk with him.

 

I don't think my family is making him a whole lot more nervous or against hb. Since I've had an "emergency" csec before he's pretty much been skeptic from the begininng and we hadn't told any family. Acutally, I wasn't even going to tell my mother for a long time but somehow she found out. Ugh. And then she told just about everyone. So her bff was on me too. Thankfully most of the times I've taken crap from ppl he isn't around. Cause I certainly don't need them making him more nervous. And if I told my family to stop saying things b/c it was affecting him, they'd see that as a reason to continue saying stuff. As tho I'm keeping him in the dark to persuade him or something. From this point on I've decided that I'm not going to say anything to anyone else(besides those whom I know are all for it) b/c I just don't want to hear it anymore. I don't think he's told anyone in his family and I plan to keep it that way. When the baby's born we'll tell everyone. =)
 

post #20 of 47

My Mom is also a nurse and freaked out when I first told her. ...but fortunately, our midwife's backup doctor works at the best local hospital and has been working with our midwife for 15 years. He's in his 50's and very experienced. When I met with him, he said the only time he'd had a problem with a HB was when the woman didn't listen to the midwife. He said otherwise they're great! Once I told my Mom about that, she really calmed down.

 

In the end, they're either going to get it or they're not. It sucks, but hopefully they'll come around.

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