Queer & Pregnant: December & January - Page 2

[Beastie]

Hi all!

First and foremost, welcome to Kredmon and Crunchybug!!! It's exciting to see so many new people on the board, and to hear your stories of conception. I hope you have an easy and healthy 40 weeks!

Wehrli: What a pain, literally, about the carpal tunnel. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to address it, and I hope something helps soon.

Painefaria: Hooray for the heartbeat! What a relief!I hope this marks the beginning of the end with your nausea...

2HappyMamas: I'm just a few weeks ahead of you, and I agree that this middle part feels great! The potential for cleft palate must be stressful, but it sounds like you havel ots of good options for care if the diagnosis is confirmed. I hope you find the solutions that work right for your growing family!

Gumshoe: Wow, the situation with your KD sounds complicated. Are you comfortable sharing some of the issues that have come up since you all made your original plans? I hope that your face-to-face meeting helps you all find a comfortable resolution.

Erthe_mama: It sounds like Vida and her team are adjusting well... sending great lactation vibes your way!

LibraryLady: How are you feeling? I hope the breathing is coming easier...

AmandaHope: I know what you mean about the holiday junk food overload; last night we had a delicious latke party, but this morning at the midwife's a weighed in with an almost ten pond gain from last month! Nevertheless, I'm glad you're feeling good.

AFM: All is well, still feeling good and enjoying the lucky alignment of this fun part of pregnancy and the long-awaited end of the semester. I am really ready for a break from teaching! But I do have a QOTD:

If you plan to have other children after this pregnancy, what (if any) steps are you taking (or have you taken) now?

I ask because our sperm bank, CCB, is once again raising prices, and I wonder if it's worth it to buy sperm now from our donor and store it for future pregnancies. But how much would we buy? Is the storage worth it?  Our donor currently has plenty of vials in stock, so should we just wait, at least until after this baby gets here? I'd love to hear any advice or experiences!

[gumshoegirl007]

Beastie's QOTD:  We're not planning on having any more (well, I'd love to have a little DW running around, but DW isn't interested in being pregnant nor is she interested in going through fertility treatment so that I can carry a baby using her eggs).  But, we did leave it open in our donor agreement that we can ask him for another contribution and he has first right of refusal for donation.  We also made it so he needs to have a discussion with us before he agrees to donate to anyone else.  If you know you want more kids and want to use the same donor, I'd buy it now for later :)

With respect to your question regarding issue, it really is one around language and meaning.  For example, in our agreement it's very clear that he is a donor and not a co-parent or any sort of parent to this child.  He will be known to the child, and the child will know that he is her father, his role is really that of an uncle. When we talk about it, we all seem to have the same understanding.

What we're finding challenging is how he is sharing the news of the baby within his circle (we live in different cities, but since he's been a friend of mine for 10+ years, our circles overlap especially on facebook).  He uses phrases like, "I'm having a baby!".  Or talks about the child in a way that parentifies himself.  We've had one or two long conversations about it because he really does live in a different world than us (a very conservative, corporate law world) and after he may start off with "I'm having a baby" he really breaks it out to explain the situation. He's really using his choice to be a donor to open up some dialogue and push boundaries and challenge people in his corporate world. And, I can respect that.  He's using common, shared language, to begin a dialogue and trying to create change from the position of an insider.

That being said, we don't feel that it's accurately reflecting the relationship we've established and it scares the shit out of us.  We're more of the thought.  "You helped US have a baby!  YOU'RE not having a baby."  I feel is misrepresenting the situation and it makes me question whether or not we're on the same page.

There's a couple of other examples, but really we need to have a very long conversation and revisit the agreement to make sure we really are all on the same page.

[LibraryLady]

Welcome Kredmom and Crunchybug!  I'm bad about posting to the Q&P board, but I must say that now it's filling up with people I actually know, I'll feel more at home.  August is a great time to be born, so I'm very excited for you!!!  Kristin, that was quite a story~ I'm glad you finally had your success, and I'm also glad you hassled your insurance company. They need to hear more from 'people like us'.  Yay you!

Beastie~ I'm breathing better now, after a trip to the ER and an inhaler. I now have to take a course of steroids to reduce the inflammation in my lungs, which I'm not happy about, but I do admit that it's been impossible to breathe and that's an untenable situation, so I guess I have to do what I have to do.  Nothing's worked so far, not even neti pots, but the inhaler has finally made a dent. Yay!  The midwife assures me that the steroids are safe, though I'll admit I'm still slightly worried about having a Frankenbaby. Yikes.

Gumshoe~ Ugh. I don't blame you a bit for being upset by your donor's language.  He's not having a baby at all, YOU are having YOUR baby, it's really nothing to do with him. I hope you're able to get that hashed out.  KDs have their bonuses, but I'm very happy to have nothing to do with this kind fella whose sperms helped us out. 

As for the QOTD, we plan on having another in 5-6 years, with DP carrying, but we're not making any plans nor arrangements at this time. I doubt we'll even use the same donor (though I'm sure we'll look and see if he's available, by chance). I think we're just going to be the kind of family that love makes and that'll be good.  

So happy to be breathing better now!  It was getting really scary for a bit.

[Kjred]

starling&diesel: 

Oh exciting-so glad to know someone else who has gone this route. You had twins huh? we're suspicious that we might... of course we have no idea at this point. Good luck with your FET!

AmandaHope:

Our embryos were donated to us by acquaintances of ours. It is the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me. Magical generosity.

[starling&diesel]

Oh my goodness, we didn't have twins!  You better not have jinxed me for doubles this time round! 

We put in two embryos, had two poles and sacs, but only one babe.  Thank goodness.

We're putting in two again, if the u/s goes well.

We also were given our embryos by a couple of (dykely) acquaintances. 

Magical generosity, indeed!  Two years later and I still don't know how to thank them.  Our gratitude shows in our loving our daughter to her core every single day.

Woman 1 carried Woman 2's retrieved and fertilized (with anonymous donor sperm) eggs. What's special is the egg donor's parents are friends with my parents, so I know our daughter's bio roots back a ways on one side, and we're all friends, so we get to see our daughter's two bio-sisters grow up.  Only us queers could come up with that kind of post-modern family!

Anyways, sorry to crash the board.  Hopefully I'll be back here officially come the Solstice, when I pee on a stick, if this week goes according to plan!

kredmon ... Feel free to pm me if you have any questions about the dynamics of it all.  It is an emotional soup, to say the least.

Originally Posted by kredmon 

starling&diesel: 

Oh exciting-so glad to know someone else who has gone this route. You had twins huh? we're suspicious that we might... of course we have no idea at this point. Good luck with your FET!

AmandaHope:

Our embryos were donated to us by acquaintances of ours. It is the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me. Magical generosity.

[LibraryLady]

Starling~ It's not crashing! We're all friends here, and I'm interested to hear your story. Embryo donation really is a magical gift!! Wow!!!  You and Kred are fortunate to know such generous friends. I'm glad it's enriched your lives and hopefully theirs. 

Started my steroid regimen and am feeling much better. No inhaler last night and only a few bits of goo this morning. Best I've felt in months!!!  We also learned that while Miles Davis makes the baby boogie, traditional Portuguese fado sent her right off to sleep. A useful thing, and one I will remember! Though we were also joking that if the baby is fussy and needs to hear familiar sounds from the womb, I can just cough on her.

[indigoscot]

qotd - well, we already have a second son from the same donor and we plan to have one more with dp carrying again.  as far as buying and storing vials - i say do it now if having the same donor is important to you!  if you buy 6 or more at ccb there is free storage (you'd need to look up the details).  we only have 2 more vials of our original donor because he retired.  those vials can sell out at any time!!!!!

g

[lisedea]

I need to join this board! I have been on the conceptions board and didn't do enough exploring to realize that a pregnancy one existed!  My EDD is also August 6th.

[LibraryLady]

Yay Lise!!!  It does indeed exist, though some of us (me especially) are list straddlers. I'd miss my friends on Q&P too much if I just hung out over here. But welcome!! 

[wehrli]

Welcome among us, Lisedea!! Congrats!!!

[wehrli]

hey... where's AmyPDX?? i hope everything is going well for her...

[AmandaHope]

Originally Posted by wehrli 

hey... where's AmyPDX?? i hope everything is going well for her...

Good question!

[lisedea]

Okay...I have a question for the more experienced out there...

Allergy medicine? Ibprofen? Should I be cutting these out? I have been taking my allergy medicine (Xyzal) when I feel as though I am going to die...but feel horribly guilty every time I do. Ibprofen I have only taken only once after finding out...but I don't want to give myself the option for one in a while if it is a bad thing to do...

I would ask my OB but I don't have one yet...waiting for another week to be referred.

[wehrli]

Lise, as far as i know you should avoid ibuprofen... use tylenol instead. as far as allergy meds... idk, i avoided them (and was miserable) all summer/fall, but i think i've heard that benedryl is ok.

[LibraryLady]

Wehrli~ I hate to disagree, but I've heard that benadryl is NOT okay, so maybe I need to look into that some more. I know I've been avoiding it.  I take OTC Zyrtec and it's apparently just fine (according to the doctors).  I do know that Tylenol not ibuprofin is the best. 

And yeah, where's Amy?

[wehrli]

library, disagree away! if i have bad info, please correct me!

[Beastie]

Welcome, Lisedea!   Glad you found us!

And Starling, you're more than welcome to hang around for as long as you want... after all, we all hope you'll be an official Q&P member ASAP!

Gumshoe, thanks for sharing some of the details about your issues with your KD.  It sounds like he may have good intentions, but I agree that I'd be uncomfortable with the kind of language that he's using too, especially if we'd never discussed it. I hope it's something that can be resolved with some good conversation, and that it doesn't turn into an ongoing problem.  Keep us updated!

Indigo: Thanks for the advice about buying more vials now. I'm in agreement with you, that the vials can sell out at any time, and since it feels important to us to at least try with the same donor later, I think we should buy now. But DP is skeptical about paying so much now (CBB has deals starting at 6 vials--one year of free storage-- and then at 12--I think 3 years of free storage) when it's unlikely we'll try again for at least three or four years. Of course, I feel like the delay makes it even more important to stock up, since it may not be as easy for me to get pregnant in my mid-late thirties. So the negotiation continues!  But I'm thrilled to hear how it's worked for you, and I'd love to hear more!

Library: I take your point too, about how it isn't genetics that make a family. I guess that'll be our back up plan! Meanwhile, I'm glad that the steroids are helping, and I love hearing about your fetus's developing personality and preferences!

Lisedea: According to my info sheet from my midwives:

For colds:Stuffy nose: chlorpheniramine (Chlor-Trimeton) or pseudoephedrine (Sudafed). A nasal spray may work well and little drug will get to your baby. Use oxymetazoline (like Afrin or Vicks Sinex) or phenylephrine (like Dristan). If you use a medicated nasal spray, stop after 3 days. Using it for a longer time may cause your stuffy nose to get worse! Cough: Guaifenesin and dextromethorphan (like Robitussin DM).

For allergies: Use an antihistamine like Benadryl or loratadine (Claritin). Some antihistamines have alcohol included, so check labels.

Of course, the sheet recommends holistic remedies first and foremost, and I'm sure there's debate about all of this. I did take claritin when staying at a friend's house that really activated my cat allergies, and I found that half a pill worked and made me less nervous... it does seem that everyone agrees about the tylenol thing, though!
 

[wehrli]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COCO!!!

[AmyPDX]

I'm here! Everything's great, first midwife appointment is a month from today.

In the meantime, I've been sleeping, mostly.  I'm 6w3d, and EXHAUSTED. I have a particularly hectic job, so DP and I talked about this a few weeks ago - how to help me cope during this 1st tri walking zombie phase. The plan involved getting me out of the office as soon as possible after 5, then a nap right when I walk in the door, while DP makes dinner, walks the dog, holds down the fort, etc. We're doing that - but I'm still so tired! Going to bed at 9 and getting 10+ hours of sleep at night isn't making a dent. I seriously considered locking myself in our office building's one private bathroom for a nap; I figured it'd be at least half an hour before someone got suspicious that the door was closed for so long. (Why is it that the time when we need to take it easy and/or deal with morning sickness, is also the time when most people have no idea you're pregnant? Next time a coworker tells me I look tired - three times this week, now! - I may just break down and tell 'em I'm knocked up. And then curl up on the couch in our lobby and take a nap.)

On another note, I have to say, the mama guilt is already creeping in! I catch myself whining or feeling sorry for myself, then feel terrible, since we want this so much, and tried so hard. I'm sure you all went through that, too. Gah, the emotions! I cried today when I realized it was just Tuesday, and not Wednesday (and therefore that much further from the weekend). Literally cried! Okay, enough about cranky & overly hormonal me...

Lisedea - I second the nasal spray idea. I'm just getting over a horrid cold that started on Thanksgiving and missed my nyquil! But the nasal spray helped a ton, and I felt safe about it. We also bought a humidifier, which has helped, too. I hear those are very helpful with allergies. 

Indigo/Beastie - we're in the "should we buy up more vials" debate now, too. I'd rather our money go toward the maternity leave savings cushion, but we're keeping an eye on our donor's stock. If he starts to dip below 25, we may snap up a few and store them locally. But I also think CCB sets aside vials specifically for siblings - at least some banks do. A friend called to buy vials of donor #2 so her DP could carry kid #2. The bank pulled up her file and told her they had a few vials of donor #1 squirreled away for siblings. They jumped on it. (Not sure if that was CCB, or if it's standard practice, though).  

Library - I'm so glad you can breathe again! Hearing how you described it before made me cry for you (could be the hormones had something to do with the tears, but it did sound hellish!). 

Okay, off to bed. Seriously. 

[Coco99]

Thanks Wherli !! :):)

 

Originally Posted by wehrli 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COCO!!!