End of my Rope :(

[Lisa31]

Hi,

My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and still nursing all day long.  If I say no, she absolutely has a fit, but I just can't do it anymore, I feel physically terrible, am exhausted all the time and have gained almost 85 lbs. Nursing for me was and is a labor of love, I was  emotionally done by 18 months but have kept going because I feel guilty when she cries when I say no to nursing.  The whole gradual weaning process cannot work for her, I feel at this point it is all or nothing, please advise me on how to do this with compassion but determination.

Thank You for any advice, Lisa

[Kristen]

I have a 2 and a half year old screamer too! LOL She's my fourth.  My first weaned at 3 and a half my second at 2 and a half and I didn't want to tandem again so I gently weaned my 3rd at 2.  My fourth is still nursing.  I've been breastfeeding for a total of 9 and a half years!  That being said.... LOL.... my best suggestion to get "started" gently weaning an older child is to give her "notice".  Meaning I will start off by saying "Okay, you can nurse (or whatever you call it) until we get to 10 and then you have to say good bye for now." And count 1, 2, 3, 4.... This usually works a LOT better than just saying no right away.  I let them say "goodbye" to each one and be done.  It's just a first step but with a screamer it seems to be a good place to start.  I know here it's hard.  And there are times you have to try and say no not right now and see if the screaming will be just for a few seconds while you can distract or if you're going to have to "give in" for the 10 seconds for the peace of all.  Here sometimes it escalates to a tantrum so I understand needing to "Keep the peace" for a bit- this is just in relation to nursing- I don't think you should "give in" to screaming on other issues.  LOL  But unless you are going to just stop and I've never been able to end nursing that way it's a gradual ending.  And the counting is usually a good way to start.  Also, watch the situations- does she like to nurse while you are snuggled up on the couch?  Do other things- color on the ground for a while instead of snuggling.  Is she still napping?  For us stopping nursing while there are still naps is virtually impossible.  Nursing almost always stops here especially during the day a lot easier once they have given up naps.  See what other things she may be able to be distracted with that can be substituted- activities, goodies... at least during the weaning process- it will make transitions easier.

Good Luck!

[gardenmommy]

I can very much relate!  I've nursed all but this one (8 months) past 2 years.  My suggestions are not to wean abruptly, even though you are really feeling waaay past done.  It will be easier for both you and her if you can gradually wean.  Like the PP said, start talking about life after nursing.  Make plans for when she is big enough to not need your milk, plan a party, etc.  whatever helps her.  Start setting gentle limits, like "you can nurse while I sing the ABC song, and then it's time for the milk (or whatever you call nursing) to rest".  She may throw a tantrum initially, but stand firm.  If you are gentle and consistent, she will learn to stop nursing without throwing a fit.   Maybe she can nurse before and after naps, but no other time. 

If your DD is nursing because she is bored, you might consider adding a couple of activities to the day to keep her distracted.  Offer meals/snacks/drinks frequently so she never gets the chance to be starving.  I feel like sometimes toddlers nurse simply from habit; they know that when they are hungry/need comfort/etc. they can find an easy solution to that problem at the breast.  IMO, that's a good thing, because it means that you have done your job very well as an attached mom.  However, there comes a point when that no longer works for mom or baby or both, and you have to change how you meet those needs.  If you can anticipate the needs before they become urgent, sometimes you can head off the tantrums.

Is she still night-nursing?  I might start there if she is.  It worked for my children for me to tell them that they could nurse to sleep, and then not again until the sun came up.  The first few nights were the hardest, but once we got past that, it was pretty smooth.  

Hang in there mama!  You're almost to the end of this beautiful part of your relationship with your DD.  You've done a wonderful job of mothering your baby, and you can help her make the transition away from the breast.  She is such a lucky girl to have gotten to nurse this long!

[Ellien C]

It's OK for you to set limits. Do you think any of these ideas would work:

1) Nursing cards - you give her so many per day and let her turn them in for nursing sessions. This gives her some control.

2) Nursing times - this is what I did. I told her that the nonnies were sleeping and let her know when she could nurse again in terms she understood - before nap time, after dinner - that sort of thing.

3) Limiting the amount of time spent nursing instead of the number of sessions? You can nurse while I count to 10 and then we are going to do XXX. (fun thing).

Is she getting sick? On the verge of a developmental milestone? How long has the all-day nursing been going on? Is there anyone who can take her for a little while so she doesn't think about you and milk?

[Ellien C]

We also substituted "holding" my breast for actually nursing on it. This was kind of cute and she'd slip her hand down into DH's shirt as well for comfort.

[yarngoddess]

I started the "10 to 1, then we are done." My kids still (8,6,4,3) will know that if I count from 10 to 1 then I'm serious about being done with whatever. It's a good tool to instill into them lol.  Second- LO wants to nurse- "You can nurse AFTER you eat your sandwich. If you eat then mama's." You'd be surprised at how often that age group will try to use nursing as a sole means of food, lol.  I also would do this with Milk, Juice and Water- that way LO's got something in her besides BM.  Ya know?  Be consistant. If you say- eat then nurse, mean it.  This is a slow and difficult process, but don't give up! Also, mama don't feel Guilty! You have done an AMAZING job nursing!!! Now the job needs to shift for the benefit of you both! So. Gradually start adding food/drinks and setting time limits.  Also- if you can avoid sitting in your typical nursing spot...that sometimes helps lol.  I had a time period where I refused to sit. If I sat, then my LO wanted to nurse.  If I was standing, he wouldn't ask.  You can also say "In 5 min you can have a mama. First let mommy do xyz... Can you help mommy?" Try to distract your LO.

[yarngoddess]

Also- keep your mantra "This Too shall pass" and keep saying that over and over and over. Patience is your friend right now.  If it physically hurts to nurse- then tell your LO that you need to stop because your mama's hurt! "10 to 1 then all done, my mama's hurt today. Owwie!"  and you would be surprised at how respectfull LO's can be.  I'm not saying to lie to them, or to use an owie to get sympathy but they understand hurt and for some kids to have a REASON will help them to not want to nurse. 

BTW- I've nursed 4 kids and my youngest weaned himself at 3yrs and 6 months..ish.  Hang in there! This Too Shall Pass.

[MacKinnon]

As a Mod... I've moved this thread to Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy...

And a Mom note... I would encourage you to set limits first, and then see if you are ready to wean. Setting limits with my daughter let me extend our nursing relationship by several months. I was very touched out and ready to be done, but I knew she wasn't ready yet. She was nursing allthetime and I couldn't take it any more! So, we cut out most of the day time nursings, and just did morning, nap time and bedtime for many months before slowly dropping nap time, then bedtime, then morning and being all done. Best of luck! 

[D_McG]

It sounds more like a personal issue as well as a nursing issue.  If you're nursing to the point where you are this miserable (multiple times a day for a year) then I'd have a good look at how you're respecting your own body and limits. Especially trying to figure out what might be behind that.  

When I got to that point with my first I realized I was doing us all a disservice.  I wasn't modeling respect. I wasn't teaching appropriate boundaries and in our case I was holding my son back from developing new ways to soothe himself, relate to us etc (and so that's why he wanted to nurse ALL THE TIME.  WE had not learned other ways to do things).  With my DD (my 2nd) I did a much better job of still nursing her but with LOTS of limits in place so she knew well how to eat, settle, love, sleep all by the time I weaned her (20 mos).  

For me I saw it as restructuring their little worlds in a way that was going to benefit us ALL.  I felt sure had nursed as long as was beneficial to us and now on balance it was best to stop.  I stopped gradually.  First setting a predictable schedule and then week by week eliminating a session.  I tried to remain calm and confident (even when I had periods of doubt the first time around).  I knew or could at least guess as to a lot of the benefits of being done so my job was to be the cheerleader/guide.  Although I agree that once you get to a point where you're nursing maybe twice a day you may not even want to wean!

Finally, freaking out is kind of the go-to reaction for a 2 year old and for me it was helpful to remember that it does not require my emotional involvement.  I'm kind and loving, of course but if they are reacting so strongly then they need me to be calm.  "No we can't nurse right now.  But we'll nurse at naptime".  And that's it.  That's all that needs to be said about it.  It's not up for negotiation but there are lots of other things to talk about and fun to have and places to go.  

Good luck!