So many things to deal with... no idea how

[MotherAlone]

My oldest daughter has always been a relatively good girl, now lately I've been having issues with her. First is the appearance of a very dominant personality, and an extremely scary violent streak... this showed up about 2 years ago, and has been getting steadily worse. Keila has never been terribly popular at school, at lately she's been having a  few girls calling her a whore/telling her that she sould be a prostitute, telling her she's ugly (not true, she's quite stunning), and it's getting so bad that she's been ditching school to hang out with her boyfriend. And oh the boyfriend, 3 years older, already graduated high school... he's her guitar instructor (actually does get paid, hes a professional). Keila's also started to get herself pierced quite a bit, which is legal, yes, but I hate it. I also hate her wearing so much make up ( I mean she wears everything, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, foundation, lipstick)... I just don't know where the compromise is between letting her be creative and express herself but also having her looking and acting appropriately.

Any advice/experience is greatly appreciated.

[Chicky2]

Does your dd have chores?  How is she doing in school?  Does she have a job?  I personally wouldn't have a problem w/the piercings or make up as long as she's taking care of her responsibilities.  I may have a problem about the boyfriend being so much older, but that would depend on your dd's age, too.  I would have a HUGE problem w/her ditching class to hang out w/her boyfriend because that involves lying, too.  I dunno.  I would think that her behavior has alot to do with feeling like she's not fitting in.  Does she have any good girl friends?  I think a bit more info is needed here. 

[MotherAlone]

Not many chores, there isn't much to do around here any way, and she does have guitar lessons 3 days/week. Keila doesn't do terribly well in school, but at least stays above 50% in her classes (except music, 100% in that class). The biggest problem with school for her is these girls who are making her life hard, as I recently found out, because of who her boyfriend is. Keila is 15, the boyfriend is 18 and is as music obsessed as Keila is. They make an adorable looking couple, he doesn't drink at all, or use drugs, but I feel like he shouldn't be enabling her to skip school. One of the girls who are tormenting her used to date this boy as well, and just hasn't gotten over him I guess. Good girl friends... none, Keila likes being with boys more than girls, I don't think I've even heard her mention having a girl as her friend or even having a girl that she likes to talk to.

[skreader]

1) Speak to your daughter and see about talking to her teachers etc. about the bullying from the other girls. Work on getting that to STOP.

2) Concerns about the boyfriend - when does she see him? Under what circumstances? Have you shared your concerns with her? Have you spoken to him as well and asked him to help support your daughter emotionally in succeeding in school?

3) Make-up - like sex, I think talk about make-up between mothers and daughters is a ongoing conversation that should begin very young, That said, it's never too late to start. What bothers you about the make-up? Have you shared your concerns with your daughter? For me, a lot of my concerns about make-up has to do with health. So much of it is full of harmful chemicals. I have talked about it with my DD too. But, I also am lucky that she goes to a school that is pretty strict about make-up for girls under 16.

4) Friends - does she have good friends other than this boyfriend?

5) Plans for the future? Does she want to go to college or a music school after she finishes high school? What sort of life does she see herself living in 3 to 5 years? What are her hopes, and dreams? Does she have any ideas of how she can try to turn them into reality? Have you talked with her about how you think you can help her achieve her dreams?

I hope that some of these thoughts and ideas may help, and that the questions may help to clarify your thinking.

[mattemma04]

I would look for alternatives to the current school,because stopping the bullying is next to impossible,and there is no reason you have t ostay at the school.Perhaps an online school or maybe she would like to just test out via a GED at 16. I would let the make up and other stuff go. I would mainly focus on getting her out of the clutches of those girls,so she can focus on herself.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by MotherAlone 

My oldest daughter has always been a relatively good girl, now lately I've been having issues with her. First is the appearance of a very dominant personality, and an extremely scary violent streak... this showed up about 2 years ago, and has been getting steadily worse. Keila has never been terribly popular at school, at lately she's been having a  few girls calling her a whore/telling her that she sould be a prostitute, telling her she's ugly (not true, she's quite stunning), and it's getting so bad that she's been ditching school to hang out with her boyfriend. And oh the boyfriend, 3 years older, already graduated high school... he's her guitar instructor (actually does get paid, hes a professional). Keila's also started to get herself pierced quite a bit, which is legal, yes, but I hate it. I also hate her wearing so much make up ( I mean she wears everything, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, foundation, lipstick)... I just don't know where the compromise is between letting her be creative and express herself but also having her looking and acting appropriately.

Any advice/experience is greatly appreciated.

A few things in this post concern me, to be honest, apart from the mean girls.

Her b/f also being her guitar instructor... That's not something I would encourage, given the difference in ages. SHOULD they do something sexual, he may find himself in a boatload of trouble because he is technically in a position of authority over her. The laws are much stricter for that kind of situation. Add in the fact that he apparently encourages her to ditch school to spend time together? I wouldn't be too sure that they're just hanging out playing guitar.

Her grades. Skipping school doesn't help them, obviously. What ARE her aspirations? Some (college/music school) will be greatly affected by her grades. Others (studying guitar on her own, joining a band, etc.... not so much.

Her piercings. Don't know where you live, but my state regulates piercing of minors pretty strongly. When my daughter got her belly done, I had forgotten my ID - they refused to touch her w/o proof that I was her parent and consented to the piercing. Of course, someone who wants it done will find a way to do it, but I would be concerned if it were my kid.
 

I'd drop the make-up issue.

[MotherAlone]

I don't have too many options for schools really, unless I want my daughter taking a bus right downtown or to the south side of the city, which I don't. The only choices are the school she goes to now or a catholic school; my daughter is a flaming atheist, she'd get kicked out of a catholic school in a day.

I was never thrilled when I heard that she was dating him, but I had to make peace with it. At this point I'm not about to mess with a relationship that has been in existance for nearly a year. I do not like the fact that he's ok with her skipping school... if she calls him, and he's not working, he'll go pick her up from school with no problem at all. I'm also not crazy about the expensive gifts he gives her... but that's really his choice. I know that when they are here, all they do is play guitar and it gets really annoying after 3 or 4 hours. When they are at his place, I can't say for sure, I've tried asking his parents (he still lives with them) but all they do is tell me that I should mind my own business and not police my daughter's love life.

Keila has a short term view of life, it's kind of disturbing, because her plan is to not live beyond 27; I don't know what is special about 27, but that is the age at which she plans to die. All her life is focused on music: recently she auditioned for a band, and they accepted her as lead vocalist, she also performs with her boyfriend's band sometimes, and she also performs just with her boyfriend at a place called The Early Stage. I love the dedication, cause it's made her so good at it now.

I don't even know if there is a law about piercings here... I've called about half the shops in the city and their minimum ages range from 13 to 16 for piercings without parental consent, and some will tattoo a person at 14 without parental consent.

[skreader]

1) School

Why would taking a bus to school be unacceptable? Is it the cost, or do you fear for her safety? If she went to a school that she liked, perhaps a bus journey could be worth it. Some kids in NYC travel quite a distance to go to their high school of choice, bus and then transfer to the subway.

2) Boyfriend

Tell him if he continues to help her skip school, he is breaking the law. I think that it can be considered "contributing to the delinquency of a minor". His parents sound like bad news, of course it is your business to "police" the love life of your non-adult daughter. Does she have birth control?

3) Plans to die at 27

It sounds scary and weird to me. I would be very worried if I heard my own daughter (almost 15) talking that way. Although of course the Who were famous for their "hope I die before I get old"... maybe use them as an example of how life keeps on happening, and that's a GOOD thing. If she doesn't die of natural causes at 27, does she plan to take her own life?

I am still unclear how old your is. If she is 15, I would be more worried than if she were 17. If she is 17, ask her what her plans are for when she turns 18 and needs to start supporting herself, if she has no plans for further education.

If I were in your position, I would be very worried. But,  I am a mother who still makes her 14-year-old come home for supper before 7 on school nights.

[MotherAlone]

1) It definitely a safety issue. With my daughter's personality, she's sure to run afoul of someone and either get hurt or arrested. Its bad enough she gets in fights with people in our neighborhood, I don't need it happening in a whole other part of the city. Probably already has seeing as that's where a majority of the musicians spend their time, and where most of the stages are, but she doesn't need more opportunity. The city center schools may be best, but I fear that she'll just run into more girls like the ones here and it'll go a lot further because the teachers in city center schools care less than the ones here. (the ones at her current school have said it's not their business to intervene in student disputes until it turns violent)

2) I've tried talking to him, he's stubborn and believes that Keila needs to make her own choices and I should stop  butting in (much like his parents; apple doesn't fall far from the tree). It will be a last-ditch attempt if I mess with their relationship, they really do care about eachother. (still not liking the expensive gifts; for christmas he gave her a guitar, I researched it and it turns out to be a guitar that can be worth over $2000) yes Keila does have birth control.

3)I know I'm probably the worst parent ever for doing this but... I read it in Keila's journals. I brought up some of her clothes to her room and the book was lying open, I just read a couple pages. She writes about wanting to be the female Curt Kobain; meaning that she wants to be a major innovator in music, create something that will be identified with only her, tour till 27 and then on her 27th birthday she'll slit her own throat. For a 15 year old girl this seems pretty intense stuff to be thinking about.

Keila is 15, and I've always allowed her the same freedom I was allowed, same with my other daughter. Keila can't seem to handle it that well anymore, but I don't want to come down too heavy, she might just up and leave. I want to be a little gentle with her. She's home weeknights at 10 and weekends can either be in by 11:30 or stay with a friend or sneak in quietly as a mouse.

[skreader]

If I were in your shoes, I would probably try and come down a bit heavier, because you seem to be worried and not pleased w/ how things are going. But, I am not you.  I don't know what to recommend, other than maybe you should try and see a counselor IRL, locally. At least she or he might help you to clarify your thinking and point you to useful local resources.

[abeliamama]

About the dying at 27-- Was that when Curt Cobain, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison died? Seems like at least a few famous musicians did, if not thoses.

Regardless, that would trouble me.