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PAL Mamas Chat

post #1 of 130
Thread Starter 

I don't want to be all morbid and everything, but I thought it would be a good idea to have a PAL thread in the DDC for those of us with losses to have a place to gather.  I am soooo nervous about even joining the DDC and it is even harder to hang out in the general areas knowing there's a chance I might not be around for the whole 9 months.  I have a living son who took 2 years to conceive.  Then I got pg again in April '10 with DC #2.  Everything was going smoothly with my pg...very much the same as with DS...until we had our first u/s and discovered that the baby had no heartbeat.  That was at 11wks, but the baby only measured 9wks.  My body never acknowledged the loss and waited over 3 wks to m/c naturally.  When the 2nd tri came around and there were still no signs of bleeding or cramping, I chose to have a D&C.

 

Having a m/c was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I am scared out of my mind with this pregnancy.  I am 5w3d today and still have very few symptoms.  A little more tired than usual, slight waves of nausea from time to time, and peeing a little more often.  I'm not so worried about an early loss (although I know it can happen), but I'm terrified of going to an u/s and finding out another baby died inside of me.  Our first u/s is scheduled for December 29th.  I was initially hoping to have it sooner, but now I'm glad it won't be until after Christmas.  I can't even think about how I would deal with the holiday if it's bad news.

 

Anyway...it would be great for everyone else if I was the only one who needs this thread, but I have a feeling there may be more PAL mamas here in the Aug '11 DDC and I hope we can use this as a place to share our fears and hopes.

post #2 of 130

I'm another PAL momma.  My miscarriage was nearly 2 years ago, but this is our first pregnancy since.  S was a wiggly little baby w/a heartbeat on the ultrasound at exactly 11 weeks, and then I started bleeding 3 hrs later and lost him early the next morning.  gloomy.gif

 

I'm actually feeling very optimistic about this pregnancy and don't have the feelings of dread that I was expecting.  I think it will be hard around 11 weeks, but so far so good.  I'm also enjoying having this little bean around for as long as s/he is here.  I had always thought that I'd rather not have been pregnant at all than miscarry, and I was very surprised to find that wasn't true.  

post #3 of 130

Ah I'm glad you started this Erica, didn't want to put my paranoia into the general chat.  I am so sorry to read about your and Shannon's past losses.  I had two calm straightforward pregnancies, and then our little boy was stillborn at 42 weeks. At home.  Now I just worry.  And of course I worry about all the other rare and unlikely things that have caused other mama's to lose their little ones.  So not much peace here, but DH gives me a pep talk regularly and I feel bit more hopeful for a while.  And our gorgeous, busy girlies are fortunately a huge distraction from worrying.  Shannon, our big girls were born the same month, and not sure about yours, but ours is pretty ... challenging, at the moment, to say the least!  Praying for sticky healthy full term babies for all of us. 

post #4 of 130
I had 2 back to back miscarriages between my 2 nd and 3rd kids. My 5th and 6th pregnancies were full of anxiety (needed progesterone asap, multiple early u/s, etc). With this pregnancy I'm trying to "relax" (as if that is really possible). I've decided to not take progesterone this time and pray that I won't regret that decision 6 weeks from now. I have a new midwife (they're hospital midwives but by no means medwives )and my first appointment isn't until 10 weeks. Which is crazy to me because my last two pregnancies I'd had at least 2 ultrasounds and one or two ob visits by 10 weeks. I guess in some way I've accepted that there is little that can be done to prevent an early loss and while I thought having more info would relax me it actually stressed me out more- the 6 week ultrasound that was too early to see a hb would leave me stressed for the 8.5 week us, and then I'd worry about the nuchal fold us and then the 20 week- what if something is wrong, and on and on and even after the baby is born then I worry. So it is HUGE for me personally to take a more "relaxed" approach!!!!

I'm sorry for the losses that bring us together here but am praying that we all have healthy pregnancies and babies over the next nine months.
post #5 of 130

I had a miscarriage before my first pregnancy, but I notice that I am remembering more from then than the first few weeks of my dc's pregnancy.

 

In all situations like this, I find great comfort in trying to practice mindfulness and connecting to this pregnancy. I try and remember all pain from the past and all fear of the future takes me away from the present in this pregnancy. Frankly, I found the TTC stage the most challenging yet, and now it is still tough, but I believe it is the best thing to work towards for ourselves, so I just keep trying.

post #6 of 130

I had a miscarriage @ 8 weeks this past April. I am so scared. I'm trying really hard to focus on everything good and stay positive. But, I keep obsessively visiting the bathroom every half hour to check the toilet paper. My m/c rocked my world and I am trying to find peace and knowledge that this time will be okay.

post #7 of 130
Thread Starter 

I'm so sorry for all your losses, mamas!

 

Jenn-I hear you about obsessing over the color of my TP! I could have written your post about myself.  My miscarriage totally rocked my world too.  I never saw it coming...which was quite naive in hindsight.  I should have had some idea that it was possible, given the statistics, but my 1st pg was textbook and I just assumed that my 2nd would be as well.  I was a mess for several months and my heart still aches for my Aiden in a way that I've never experienced before.

 

xmasbaby7-It's great that you can focus on connecting with this pregnancy.  I've heard many PAL mamas make the comment that they are happy to be pregnant today...regardless of what tomorrow brings.  that's what i keep trying to tell myself.

 

pjs-I envy your relaxed attitude.  I hope I can get there at some point, too.  I know I didn't do anything to cause my miscarriage, but I can't help wandering over to the dark side from time to time and thinking "if only I had..."

 

adore4-I am so sorry for your loss.  ANY loss is bad, but I can't even imagine the horror of going through full term labor only to discover that my baby had died.  Lots of hugs to you.

 

Shannon-I 'm happy for you that you feel optimistic.  11wks is going to be tough for me too.  We discovered that our baby had died at an 11wk ultrasound. 

 

AFM: I'm still not feeling any symptoms yet and it's starting to freak me out. I know it's still early, but it seems like I should be feeling SOMETHING by now.  I keep thinking back on my two other pregnancies and I guess my symptoms starting coming on in full force at around 6.5wks, so I had better have some nausea and fatigue by the middle of next week!

post #8 of 130

I'm sorry for all your losses mamas. hug2.gif

 

I had a miscarriage in May at 13 weeks. I didn't have any ultrasounds or any testing so I had no idea it was coming until my water broke, and it was all over within a few hours. It was totally heartbreaking. I'd been lurking on MDC for quite a while so I was pretty aware of how often miscarriages occur. In fact, I had tried to not get too attached to my little bean until the second trimester, but it didn't matter in the end because it still was devastating. So this time I'm trying a new attitude of enjoying each day of my pregnancy, no matter how long it lasts. 

 

I've been tempted to get early tests this time around, but I talked it over with DH and we decided against it again. We can't really change the outcome so we'd rather not stress about it and have faith that everything is going well. Its hard to stay confident sometimes, but poking my boobs and feeling how tender they are helps. lol.gif

post #9 of 130

I too am sorry for all of these lossesgrouphug.gif

 

I can identify with all of you as well.  My mc caught me by surprise also.  I stopped avoiding in august and got a BFP in early November, I was pg for a week and then started to bleed.  It was complete in a week  I estimate that I was almost 6 weeks.  I am now pg again.  I went to my gp for a cold and mentioned the mc to her.  She sent me to an OB for a possible rhogam shot.  When I got there Surprise!   I am pg again.  Because we caught it so early, late 3 weeks/early 4 weeks, they noticed that my progesterone was very low.  So I started supplements then.  They have done some blood work also and my betas low too.  They were 14,000 the first time and then 28,000 4 days later.  How do these look to you all?  I go for an early u/s on Monday.

 

I am terrified of getting a bad result.  But I am just taking it one day at a time.  I am so proud of you momma's who have 2-3-4 m/c and are still going for it and not a quivering mess on the couch.  I am almost afraid to hope this one will stick but I am enjoying being pg today.  

 

I am so glad I can share with you ladies.  My Mom passed away a few years ago and I mourn that she is not here for me to talk too or ask questions.  I really have no one to share with so I am glad to have you all.

 

Best wishes and sticky babies sticky.gif

post #10 of 130

My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  I was 10 weeks when I went in for an ultrasound where they found a dead 8-week embryo.  I waited until 15 weeks when I finally miscarried naturally.  My placenta had continued to grow so it was really very much like a birth, with a big fat placenta and lots of blood.  It was a good experience for me, though.  I was just so glad it finally happened because I didn't want to resort to interventions but I was about to cave and use misoprostol.

 

My miscarriage ended up being incomplete, which I only realized two months later when a little chunk came out and completed it.  I had been spotting up to that point and was starting to wonder when it would end.  Then I bled HEAVILY for the remaining two weeks of that cycle (ovulation had triggered the miscarriage to complete) and after my period came I was finally finally complete.

 

This was my third cycle trying since then.

post #11 of 130
Thread Starter 

Sarah, your loss sounds a lot like how mine went, except I couldn't hang in long enough to miscarry naturally.  I wish I had for closure purposes, but I was at a serious breaking point and I caved and had the D&C done.  I have a lot of respect for you for waiting it out for so long.  I was in Hell for the weeks that I waited and I was a terrible wife and mommy to my DH and DS. 

 

post #12 of 130

Hi everyone, I am sorry we all understand PAL, but I am glad we can come together and support each other. I was really nervous to post in the DDC at all until I saw this thread! I just found out I am PG a few days ago and this is my 5th pregnancy, although I only have two children here in earth. My first loss was between DD1 and DD2, I was 8 weeks and it was devastating. We got PG with DD2 my third cycle post m/c and everything went very smoothly. We started trying again this past August and were shocked to get PG on the first try! It only lasted a week though and I m/ed before I was even 6 weeks. My second loss was hard, but not as hard as the first emotional or physically. I think I knew from the beginning that time it was not meant to be. We are PG again on my 4th post m/c cycle. I am taking Promitrium vaginally once a day. I have not called the doctor yet. I am not sure if we will do any early blood work or not. When I do call the doctor they will schedule an ultrasound for 8weeks and I will just have to sit tight until then. When we see a heartbeat I will feel better and when I stop the progesterone supplements at the end of the first trimester I was be even more at ease. For now though, like you all have mentioned, I am just enjoying every moment! i do feel different then I did in August, much more at ease and happy, so I hope that means something!

post #13 of 130
Thread Starter 

OakTreeMom-I don't know a whole lot about betas, but I've heard that it is normal for them to double every 72 hours, so yours seem really good. 

 

Here is an excerpt from the American Pregnancy Association's website concerning hCG levels:

 

Hormones
Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) levels can have quite a bit of variance at this point. Anything from 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml is considered normal at 5 weeks. Once the levels have reached at least 2000, some type of development is expected to be seen in the uterus using high resolution vaginal ultrasound. If using a transabdominal ultrasound, some type of development should be seen when the hCG level has reached 3600 mIU/ml. Although development may be seen earlier, these levels provide a guide of when something is expected to be seen.

 

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/earlyfetaldevelopment.htm

 

And here is a chart I found online too:

 

HCG Levels Chart for Single Pregnancy

Weeks After Last Menstrual Period (LMP):

3 Weeks: 0-5 mIU/HCG

4 Weeks: 5-426 mIU/HCG

5 Weeks: 18-7340 mIU/HCG

6 Weeks: 1,080-56,500 mIU/HCG

7/8 Weeks: 7,650-229,000 mIU/HCG

9/12 Weeks: 25,700-288,00 mIU/HCG

13/16 Weeks: 13,300-254,000 mIU/HCG

17/24 Weeks: 4,060-165,400 mIU/HCG

25-40 Weeks: 3,640-117,000 mIU/HCG

4-6 Weeks Postpartum: < 5 mIU/HCG

 

http://www.pregnancy-to-childbirth.com/pregnancy-hcg-levels.html

post #14 of 130

egmaranian-  Thank you so much for this website and information.  I was a bit paranoid after speaking with my nurse the other day.  She sounded like my numbers were quite low and asked if I had any bleeding or spotting.  I told her no and she just said to keep taking the progesterone and come for an ultrasound on Monday.  So hopefully I will see something good then.  I am sending up the prayers about it.  I am also keeping the news to myself and not even telling dh until after the appt. on Monday.  That way if I get bad news then no one knows but me.  I have already known I was pregnant longer this time than last time though so it is a small milestone.  I knew for 4 days when I m/c and today it has been a week.  But I am just taking it one day at a time.  Thanks again!  When is your edd.  Mine is mid august.  The actual date is 8/14 but we know how accurate those can be, right?

post #15 of 130
Thread Starter 

OakTree:  I know how it feels to be totally paranoid.  I can't believe you're not even telling your husband, though!  Wow, you're brave.  My DH would be so angry if I didn't include him from the beginning, whether the result was good or bad. 

 

My EDD is August 6th.  I know there can be a lot of variance in actual births compared to EDD's but I feel pretty confident that if this bean is a sticky one, it'll be close to that date.  I know when I ovulated so I'm sure the EDD is accurate and my DS was born 2 days before his EDD.

 

8/14, that means you're not even 5 wks yet, right?  You'r betas seem really high if that's the case.  I think your nurse is off her rocker.

 

post #16 of 130

I am really not sure why I have not told him.  I guess I am not sure how he will take it.  His job situation is a bit unstable at the moment.  I would love him to get a new job where I can be a sahm. But right now I am just holding out and enjoying my little secret for a minute.  I know that he has a soft side and on my last one, I was going to tell him that Friday, but it became obvious that morning that there was no news to tell.  I may tell him tomorrow.  This is not news I want to tell him on the phone and he will be home tomorrow night.  I guess in a way I think I am protecting him from bad news.  But, maybe I should just let go and stop expecting bad news?

 

Yes, I am very early.  I am pretty sure when I conceived because I keep track of AF and BD's so I can reasonable estimate that I conceived about 11/21 ish  The calender that I use has me at 4 weeks 4 days.  I am a little confused on how they calculate that though.  But, I do know that AF was due on 12/6 and did not show her face so that makes me 4 days late.

 

It is possible that in the heat of the moment, I misunderstood what she told me over the phone.  I was going to call and ask for the numbers again, but I decided to relax and just enjoy being pregnant today.

If it were multiples I would fall out....yikes2.gif

post #17 of 130
Thread Starter 

I would so love to be a SAHM, too.  I was fortunate to be able to work from home doing my regular job for 18 months after my DS was born and that was the most wonderful time I've ever had in my life.  I just went back to work at my office full time last week at the demand of my employer, and it is devastating leaving my son at home and being gone for 9 1/2 hours every day.  Our financial situation demands that i work though, so I just need to deal with it.  I'm trying to figure out a way to find work that would pay me a large enough salary while working from home to be able to quit my current job when this next baby is born.  That would be wonderful.

 

IME it's hard to not expect the worst when you've already been through it.  I understand wanting to protect your DH.  I felt like that at first when I found out about this pregnancy and I didn't tell him the first day I got my BFP, but then I caved and told him the next day :)

 

Multiples...yikes!

post #18 of 130

So, my nurse called me back (after I missed her call on tues.)  and I got my exact numbers.  On 12/2, my betas were 14,236 and on 12/6 they were 22,154.  I wonder if low proges. can cause a low beta?  My proges went from 5.93 to about 7 something so I am interested in seeing what my numbers are on Monday.

post #19 of 130
Thread Starter 

OakTree:  Keep us updated.  Is your doctor suggesting a progesterone supplement?

post #20 of 130

Yep.  I am taking the little suckers at the moment.  They are not my most favorite things, but you do what you have to do. 

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