my mom, disagreeing with my parenting philosophies..

[myk]

i have NO idea what section this belongs in, so please feel free to move it.

my mom and i have a GREAT relationship. she is generally supportive of breastfeeding (considers it the norm for infants under 1 year old), cloth diapering, non-spanking, etc.

but we do disagree on a few big things at the moment. she offered to help me set up for baby (due in january), and will bring the cradle and my crib which my nephew is currently using at their place (he's 2). i told her i didn't want the crib. she'll be in the cradle as long as she fits in it. she insists it's best to set up the crib since baby and DD1 will be sharing a room and she'd better get used to it from early on. i don't know about that.. i was thinking of skipping the crib for now and just using a pack-n-play when she outgrows the cradle. as far as i'm concerned it makes it all easier for bfing cause she can be in my room. she went on about how i "created a monster" by cosleeping with DD1 (i didn't intend to, but was desperate cause neither of us was sleeping). yeah, my kid has sleep issues, but when i did sleep training (she advocated CIO, and DD1 would scream for over an hour and it was AWFUL) it just felt WRONG. mom insists that at the hospital, the preemies are on a schedule, and when my nephew came home he cried to be fed exactly every 3 hours, he knew when it was coming, and learned to settle himself down at night. he's a good sleeper, she says. this may be true, but my daughter (who shares a room with him at grandparents' house) says he cries himself to sleep. it only takes 15 minutes, they say.. but it's not something i want for my child.

the other thing is breastfeeding.. mom doesn't see the point of bfing beyond a year, husband and i think 2-3 years is about right. breastfeeding to me is central to my parenting philosophy. to mom, it's a means of feeding your kid. when DD1 would cry as an infant, the first thing i did was offer the breast. she found it soothing, she calmed down, and i could spend some time figuring out if there was another problem (or was she hungry/needed cuddles.. in which case, bfing was the answer). my feelings were hurt when she said "well make sure it's because it's what SHE needs, not what YOU want." i mean, total lack of understanding. i wasn't bfing because of some selfish desire on my part, i was bfing because we both liked it and it worked for us. i bfed DD1 for 4 years, which was longer than i wanted (i thought 3 years was good, by 3.5 i was totally ready to move on.. but we had major life changes at that point so weaning wasn't a priority). she thought that was WAY too long.

so the fact that i'll be breastfeeding full time for over a year factors into the "where will baby sleep" equation. DD1 is 6 and needs to get up for school in the morning, as far as i'm concerned it would be dumb to put DD2 in the same room with her and not hear her as easily. if i'm in the next room, i won't hear baby until she's crying, and that will wake up DD1 who is a very light sleeper. if she's right there, i'll hear her more easily, and don't have to get up and go to another room to feed her if i don't want to. i figure EVERYONE would get more sleep that way.

my husband figures having baby in my room for 18 months makes sense. i was thinking about a year, but deal with it as it comes. i'm dreading the conversation with my mom where i either say "no, i don't want the crib.. keep it for nephew, til summer at least, i'm not going to use it." or i could just take the crib and have it in DD1's room and not use it, but it's a small room and her stuff will have to go downstairs.. which is fine but it's not organized down there right now and that just adds to the pressure to get the whole house ready and organized, and i've been sick, i'm barely keeping up with basic stuff like laundry, dishes, and cooking. the idea of rearranging everything between now and new years is, well.. overwhelming.

any advice? i just don't know what to say/do, i know she disagrees with me and i'm dreading the conversation. has anyone faced major disagreements with a very close family member? how did you deal? we really do have to prepare for this baby between december 27-january 3 because that's the only time any of my family can help.. and i'm having real trouble functioning.

[philomom]

Just tell her you don't want the crib.. you won't use it and you have no room for it. If she insists on delivering it to you, you will call the salvation army to pick it up. Get my drift here? This is your home, your family and your child...... your mom, however wonderful she is... is stepping over boundaries here... you need to re-draw those lines for her. In pen. And soon.

[Catubodua]

imho - don't have the crib in the room unused.  it just opens you up to constant "are they using it yet?" kind of questions.

it's really easy to do this, you just have to be determined & consistent about it and realize that it's ok to disagree with your mom.  you can tell her no, and say "mom, i'm going to parent the way i think is best, please stop arguing with me /commenting about xyz"  and then stop talking.  if she persists say simply "i know you are trying to be helpful because you care, but this isn't open for discussion"  and then stop talking. 

don't defend your choices, talk about studies, what you've read, nothing like that.  be confident in your motherhood!

[isabchi]

Your parenting choices are not up for discussion. Your the mom, that is your home, that are you children!.

[soccerchic21]

big hug!

My mom and I had similar disagreements. I think she actually made the same breast feeding comment to me word for word! With my mom she actually asked me once if I thought she did everything wrong because I was doing everything different from how she did and didn't take any of her advice. That conversation was hard and I felt really guilty. I just told her that I loved her and she did what she thought was right for me when I was little and I was just doing what felt right to us. Not that one person was more right in their decision for their babies. 

It is very good that your husband is supportive in how you are raising your children and what you are doing. So it necessarily isn't just you. You are a team working for your children. 

I say stick to what feels right for you. Your DD could have sleep issues even if you didn't co-sleep who is to know. 

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by isabchi 

Your parenting choices are not up for discussion.

I agree. My mom and I do not agree. So what, my daughter is happy. My mom corrects her ALL THE TIME. She has to sit still, she can't get upset or cry or get mad. She is 3 1/2, come on, she can't be a little adult. Only then does it come up, and I say "no, don't say that" Of course my mom has said things to my DD like "if you don't stop crying, the police will come and take you away" so my mom is not allowed to discuss parenting with me. We do not talk about it. I mean one day my DD wasn't sitting still in a resturant so my mom asked for a high chair so she could be strapped in.

don't worry about it - you don't want the crib - give it to a family who wants or needs it. And then if she asks, say, I told you I wasn't interested. Or you could tell her first "I am not interested, if you give it to me, I am going to find a needy family who would like it"

I know others take a more democratic approach, but after almost 4 years, it doesn't work with my mom, and I have to be blunt. I have even been to the point of saying "if you do x or say x to my DD or me, we will not come to visit anymore" and I have stopped inviting her places with me.

oh yeah and I was told to stop nursing my daughter when she was 4 months because she would "be hanging off me until she was 2" Well, I nursed her until she was 3. It terribly upset my mom, like it was a reflection on her, I was doing this horrible thing.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by soccerchic21 

 With my mom she actually asked me once if I thought she did everything wrong because I was doing everything different from how she did and didn't take any of her advice.  

. It terribly upset my mom, like it was a reflection on her,  

This is something I would watch out for when talking about this with your mom.  I think all moms are sensitive to others opinions of our parenting and our own mothers are no exception.  Many of them take it as a personal offense when we, as their children, parent our own children differently.  They feel like we believe that what they did was wrong, and that we think they weren't a good enough parent. 

You say you have a good relationship with your mom, I would suggest taking the more democratic approach rather than something hardnosed, in order to protect that relationship. 

In regards to location of the baby's sleeping space (in the older child's room?)  I would discuss that with her only from the practical standpoint.  Just explain how it doesn't make sense to have a BABY in the same room as a school age child, that the baby will be waking up the older one, it could create resentment etc etc.  Heck, my younger two are only two years apart and it doesn't make sense to have a baby in the same room as a 2 year old. 

In regards to the actual piece of furniture that the baby sleeps in...from your post it seems that you do not plan to bedshare, correct?  Assuming that's the case, does it really matter WHAT the baby sleeps in, as long as that's in a location that works for you?  You say not wanting the crib is a big thing, but is it really?  If the baby is in the same room as you, does it really matter if he is in a cradle, crib or PNP?  If it's a size and space issue, then I think explaining it to her as such is probably your best bet. 

And, if you are really set against using a crib ever at all, is it that big of a deal to just take it and not have it set up yet?  And again just explain it from the practical stand point of even if you use it eventually, you don't need it now, and you don't want to to be taking up space in the mean time, let alone having to do all the rearranging necessary while also trying to fit in all the holiday stuff AND being pg now.  In it's taken apart form, it's at least not going to take up space, and if you do change your mind and decide to use it, regardless of where, then you have it for now.

As far as the BFing beyond a year...has your mom ever really explained WHY she disagrees with it?  Perhaps that is the conversation to have. 

Ultimately it's important to parent how you want, not how your parents want you to.  But it does sound to me like she's coming from a place of caring-you say you have a great relationship and her comment WAS about the baby's needs- so I do think it's important, for your relationship with her, to think of her feelings when explaining the decisions.  It doesn't sound like she's intentionally trying to hurt your feelings.

[zinemama]

You really should not engage your mom on this sort of thing. She had her chance to raise children her way, now it's your turn. Concentrate on deflecting any criticism of your parenting.

"That's certainly one way to think about it" followed by a swift change of subject is your best bet.

[oaktreemama]

Since normally you have a great relationship with your Mom I would approach it as nicely as possible. It could simply be that your Mom feels that how you are parenting reflects dissatisfaction with how SHE parented you.

She may be feeling very judged-even though of course no one is judging the choices she made. I experienced this with my Mom who is a great Mom. But, we definitely do somethings differently.

That of course doesn't mean you don't set boundaries and let your Mom know you will do what you believe is right. But, I would phrase it as "Mom you did awesome raising us and I am doing what I think is right so my girl will say the same to me one day."

[goinggreengirl]

Don't discuss it with her. Your house, your rules. If family is helping set stuff up, they are there to help you get it ready how you want, not how they want! Tell them what you need- if they have a problem with it, it is their problem, not yours!

[myk]

thank you all for your responses (and thanks for moving it to the right place, mods!)

just to clear up a few things.. i WILL be using the crib eventually, so i'm not going to give it away.. i just don't want to use it til at least summer. i did mention that i didn't want DD2 waking up DD1 at night because of school.. well that didn't get far with her because her own kids were 7 years apart sharing a room (she's my stepmom, lived with her as a teen only, so my own experience doesn't come into play here). they got used to it. i can see her point.. but her elder child slept like a rock and my DD1 is like me, wakes up with every little thing. not quite the same. although maybe she believes that if i put them together early on, they'll both learn sooner. i don't know.

she doesn't usually criticize my parenting choices, but she does believe that i'm not firm enough with my very difficult 6 year old. mom has less trouble with her than i do (they always save their best challenges for mom..) but still admits she's a lot of work. and my mom teaches family studies for a living, she has worked with literally HUNDREDS of kids over the years. i pick my battles with DD1, but i'm not as big a pushover as she'd think. when she was a baby though, i absolutely DID respond to her for every little thing because i believe it is the right thing to do for infants.

you're right, she does come from a place of love and doesn't feel threatened or insulted by our differences. i do know that she truly wants what is best for the family as a whole - well rested, happy people.

only time she's been pushy about anything is with good reason - it's not safe *for me* to cosleep with an infant because of medications i take, so she told me bluntly that i had to at least put DD1 in the cradle next to me for sleep.. the rest is just comments here and there - i didn't cosleep with DD1 until she was 18 months or so, and while everyone else seems to think getting her to stay in her own bed should be a priority.. for me it's really not. she starts off every night in her own bed, and about half the time she crawls in with me around 4 am for cuddles. i hug her, roll over, and go back to sleep.. i get a lot more sleep that way than if i kept returning her to her own bed all the time.

no real idea why she thinks bfing for years is weird, other than her beliefs roughly reflect the norms of the society we live in. lots of people believe once baby's old enough for whole milk, you're done, don't need bfing anymore. she didn't say anything with DD1 until she was over 2 though, because there was a milk allergy involved and bfing was the only real option when you look at it (she got over the allergy when she was 2). SO thankful my husband is on board with 2-3 years.

[sapphire_chan]

If she thinks your kids need to share a room from day one to get used to each other, did she also tell you to not carry DD1 at all so she could get used to having to walk?

I have to wonder  why people who think you have to do everything from the start manage to deal with any thing that got invented after their birth.

[RoamingWidgeteer]

It sounds like your mom thinks all people have the potential to sleep well, and that sleep problems are learned.

There is a genetic component to sleeping habits - my sister and I grew up together, slept in the same room until I was 9 and she 6, and have completely different sleeping habits. I can sleep almost anywhere, fall asleep almost instantly and only wake up for unfamiliar noise and things that need my attention, while my sister is an extremely light sleeper, has insomnia, and generally has problems falling asleep. What's interesting is that Dad has exactly the same problems sleeping and counts himself lucky with 5 hours per night.

So there really is no benefit to putting a newborn, that will be waking and crying at night, in a bedroom with a light sleeper who is not involved in its care.

Edit: Example of  Summary of research on sleep patterns and genetics

[myk]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

If she thinks your kids need to share a room from day one to get used to each other, did she also tell you to not carry DD1 at all so she could get used to having to walk?

I have to wonder  why people who think you have to do everything from the start manage to deal with any thing that got invented after their birth.

of course not. she's not crazy, she simply wants everyone to get a good sleep and we have different ideas about how to achieve that.

Originally Posted by RoamingWidgeteer 

It sounds like your mom thinks all people have the potential to sleep well, and that sleep problems are learned.

There is a genetic component to sleeping habits - my sister and I grew up together, slept in the same room until I was 9 and she 6, and have completely different sleeping habits. I can sleep almost anywhere, fall asleep almost instantly and only wake up for unfamiliar noise and things that need my attention, while my sister is an extremely light sleeper, has insomnia, and generally has problems falling asleep. What's interesting is that Dad has exactly the same problems sleeping and counts himself lucky with 5 hours per night.

So there really is no benefit to putting a newborn, that will be waking and crying at night, in a bedroom with a light sleeper who is not involved in its care.

Edit: Example of  Summary of research on sleep patterns and genetics

i think that's what's happening here.. in her view i didn't teach DD1 to sleep well on her own. not for lack of trying. if i go to the bathroom she wakes up, and that's not even because of flushing, that's cause she hears my footsteps. and i'm VERY careful to be as quiet as i can. coming into her room to get a baby for feeding, regardless of whether baby is crying, will wake her up. i myself need to take medications to sleep. on my own, i have at least a 27 hour "day" and may manage 4 hours of broken sleep. can't function normally that way. my sleep meds (which is the reason it's not safe to cosleep in my case) help me manage a solid 3 hours, and then after waking i can often go back to sleep after less than an hour, so that all in all i get what might be called a normal night's rest. she has DEFINITELY inherited my sensitive ears (we're sensitive to normal/loud noises in all circumstances) and it's not too far a stretch to think she might have a delayed sleep onset, or otherwise just not have the same sleep needs as my sisters and my nephew did.

[pianojazzgirl]

Maybe one time of explaining - when dd2 is a newborn/infant I'm going to keep her in the room right next to me (in the basinette) because otherwise I'll be crazy with sleep deprivation having to walk all the way to the other room throughout the night to nurse her - and yes, newborns and small infants do NEED to nurse throughout the night.  (I'd argue a lot of older babies and toddlers do too... but I wouldn't mention that to your mom right now).  We will use the crib when she's a bit older.  Nephew can continue to use it for now, or we can take it and store it until we need it.

That's all you need to say.  If she keeps wanting to bring it up you can either repeat what you've already said, or just do as other pps have suggested and simply let her know that you are the parent and this isn't up for discussion.  You could also show her some studies, books, whatever, that explain that different people are just wired to sleep differently (lightly, deeply, etc, etc), and it is NOT because of your parenting.  You are tired of having this same discussion over and over again and you really need for her to let it go.

As a side - for your dd1 have you tried having a white noise machine in her room?  That really helped my dd when she was younger (and was a very light sleeper, which luckily has gotten better with age).

[McGucks]

Breastfeed your children as long as you darn well want.  It's good for them and it's good for you.  And guess what?  It is fine to do it not only for the health and well-being of your child, but for your own health and well-being also!  Breastfeeding has been one of the most tender, fulfilling, healing things I've ever done in my life, and I have no plan to stop.  Mothers and mothers-in-law are known for being fountains of unwanted advice and misguided information (sorry, I mean among the good stuff they can bring to life also)...you can put it back on her by saying, "It seems breastfeeding makes you uncomfortable, but we're fine with it."  Easy for me to say, I know.  My ex-mother in law asked me, when I told her about my decision to breastfeed, whether breastfeeding wasn't "a little white trashy."  No joke.  It is hard to stick to your guns.  I didn't have time to read all the posts you got, but you know you're doing the right thing for your family.  Keep on keeping on.  I had to tell my 70 year old, sometimes not stable MIL about 30 times (literally) that we weren't going to have her babysit our baby...we make sure she gets time with him on a very regular basis (once a week or so), but either me or my husband has to be there.  She hates this, especially since SIL and BIL leave their two kids there all the time...which often results in some safety issues and lots of stress for all.  Not for us.  You're doing right.  I agree with the poster who said to avoid feeling obligated to explain your reasoning, cite research, etc...I think it probably invites debate.  However, I think the poster who said diplomacy is important is also right.  There are so many tangled webs in the parenting arena.  Hang in there!

[myk]

LOL.. white trashy?? around here it's the opposite.. the educated moms tend to breastfeed, the ones who are more along the "white trash" lines don't bother. though i do hesitate to use that phrase, since that's a pretty rude thing to say about anyone! i'm not worried about my mom being against breastfeeding. she absolutely supports it for a year, and has no real objection to it for a while after that, she just draws the line a lot sooner than i do. no need to cite studies, she's well read. and really.. so what if i'm doing it for my own reasons too? if it makes me happy, it makes the kid happy, it keeps us sane, and it reduces stress and anxiety for both of us (not to mention, it's so handy if i'm ever stuck somewhere and baby's hungry) i'm going to do what i'm going to do. it's just a bit out of mom's reality to keep going for over 2 years, so she's not going to look at it the same way.

i'll find the right words about the crib.. i don't want to be disrespectful but if i choose not to use it, it's better off being at their place anyway. if my nephew can use it, and if i can use it for baby when we're visiting, that is more sensible than having it take up space in my house. if she just plain wants it out of her house, i'll take it, set it up, and ignore it til further notice.

thanks for all the support you guys.. it's hard sometimes to find people who truly understand the way i see things.

as for your MIL, it's sad that she has safety issues with the kids, but you're doing the right thing in visiting without leaving them there.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by myk 

i'll find the right words about the crib.. i don't want to be disrespectful but if i choose not to use it, it's better off being at their place anyway. if my nephew can use it, and if i can use it for baby when we're visiting, that is more sensible than having it take up space in my house. if she just plain wants it out of her house, i'll take it, set it up, and ignore it til further notice.

My thought is that you could tell your mom that you'll start out with the cradle, but you'll keep the crib in mind and you'll let her her know as soon as you "need" it (which probably will be never, but she doesn't need to know ). This might make her feel like you've heard and validated her advice, yet the crib issue is on your terms. If she wants the crib out of her house, you could always disassemble it and store it at your home.

Of course, the BF'ing issue is between you and your LO. However, your mom's comment reminds me of something my MIL said to me many years ago: when my DS was a newborn, my MIL was happy that I was breastfeeding him; however, she commented to me that she thought breastfeeding beyond a year was "gross." I looked at her and chuckled and said, "Well, I guess there's a chance I might gross you out in another year or so." Some people!

[imogenlily]

Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama 

 I looked at her and chuckled and said, "Well, I guess there's a chance I might gross you out in another year or so." Some people!

I just wanted to say: this is fabulous.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by philomom 

This is your home, your family and your child...... your mom, however wonderful she is... is stepping over boundaries here... you need to re-draw those lines for her. In pen. And soon.

This. It's sweet of her to take such an interest, but she simply doesn't get a say--no matter how loving about it she is or how well-read or how much experience she has with other people's children. You're the mama, and you decide. Period.