"Well she doesn't have time to read" - Page 2

[One_Girl]

I am an avid reader and I didn't feel like I had any time to read or do any hobby once my dd started moving a lot up until she was three unless I skipped some sleep, which made me really grumpy the next day.  I don't think that makes someone a martyr, it just means that they choose to do different things with their time.  She isn't even the one who told you she doesn't have time to read so I really don't see the connection between her choices and being a martyr.

I do see how it is irritating to hear people say she doesn't have time for reading (as if reading has ever been a priority for her) because you do make time for it and it must feel like they are commenting on that too.  Is it hitting a nerve because you feel guilty about your choices?  If so I think you should examine that guilt to see if it you need to change something or if you are just sensitive right now (I get sensitive and moody a few days before I have my period).  I don't think you should feel badly about having hobbies outside of being a mom.  Her babies may just have different energy levels and clinginess levels than your kids had and she may really not have time for any hobby because her children require a higher level of attention.  If she likes tea or coffee maybe you could get her a gift card or put together a gift basket with some nice cups and some really nice tea or coffee.  Some movie tickets and an offer to babysit may also be a nice gift for her or a subscription to something like netflix in her name for a couple months may go over well.

Edited by One_Girl - 12/6/10 at 7:20pm

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom 

Why are you buying her a book if she is not a reader and she didn't ask for it? That is a gift you would like not her. I know you are buying something else, but is very frustrating when people do this. You have to force a smile and be appricative for the good intentions.

I do wonder if you are coming off in a fashion that you are not intending to and that is why people are saying it.  

What? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. I've said repeatedly that I did NOT get her a book. I never planned to get her a book, I didn't get her a book, I have no intention of getting her a book. I'm so confused...

I think this is the point where you just abandon the thread to go bang your head against the wall for a while.

[CatsCradle]

Well, OP, funny you should mention all this, because I had a similar experience with my mom and SIL, but not about reading.  I sew and I've had a sewing machine for years.  I find the time to sew, even though my life is crazy busy.  My BIL recently bought a sewing machine for my sister.  My sister and I have extremely different lifestyles, to the point where sometimes I get extremely irritated (for irrational reasons) that she is JUST TOO BUSY to get anything done.  I won't go into details, but because like I said, my irritation is irrational.  After she got her sewing machine for her birthday, my mother commented that "it's a shame she won't get to use it...she just doesn't have time."   Argghh.  

So, I really have to step back and take a look at why this and other statements irritate me so much.  Part of it is that I place a lot of value on the activity of sewing...I enjoy it...I find the time to do it.  My sister does not place so much value on that particular activity.  I'm sure there are other activities that she prioritizes over the ones that I value.  She finds the time to do those activities.  It is tough to look at it that way, but in essence, that is what it is all about.  I just have to put my mother and others on "ignore."  It saves me a lot of grief.  :)

[myk]

if i go 3 days without reading, i lose my mind. if you're not a reader that's fine. some people aren't. in my house, it doesn't matter how busy you are, you find time to read. even if it's just 15 minutes as part of your bedtime routine. so if someone said that to me, it would bug me. if you don't share my love of books, fine, but call a spade a spade and admit you'd rather do something else to relax!

[Ravensong13]

I know the feeling. Was it almost said in a 'nose in the air' kind of way? Like sil has more important things to do than spend all her time reading? I have a friend( sort of friend) who says things like that all the time. I say, 'Oh, how in the world do I know the words to this song that just came on the radio? I don't think I've ever heard it before'. She says, 'Oh, I don't know this song because *I* don't ever listen to the radio anymore'. Alright.... good for you. Didn't realize radio was only for the peasants now your highness. I think, like some of the previous posters said, some people feel the need to get defensive about the fact that they don't read often. Maybe just ask sil directly what she might like? I've taken to warning all my relatives that if they don't tell me what they would like for gifts this holiday season I will be getting them books, lol.

[Marsupialmom]

Wow, sorry I misread your orginal post.  it wasn't on purpose got caught up in mil, sil1, sil2 and got confused. 
 

Originally Posted by limabean 

What? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. I've said repeatedly that I did NOT get her a book. I never planned to get her a book, I didn't get her a book, I have no intention of getting her a book. I'm so confused...

[LROM]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom 

Why are you buying her a book if she is not a reader and she didn't ask for it? That is a gift you would like not her. I know you are buying something else, but is very frustrating when people do this. You have to force a smile and be appricative for the good intentions.

I do wonder if you are coming off in a fashion that you are not intending to and that is why people are saying it.  

What? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. I've said repeatedly that I did NOT get her a book. I never planned to get her a book, I didn't get her a book, I have no intention of getting her a book. I'm so confused...

I made the same mistake as Marsupialmom and only realized it when I read your response - the way you wrote your original post, it sounds like you got your MIL and SIL books, then were trying to think of something else for SIL.  Now re-reading it, I see you got your MIL and ONE SIL books, and you have ANOTHER SIL that doesn't read much so you are trying to think of something different for her.  It's something about how you wrote it, I also thought "Why is she buying her a book at all if she knows she doesn't like to read??" but now I see there are two SILs.

 

[~PurityLake~]

It didn't sound like that at all to me LROM. I just read what she wrote and it was quite simple and straightforward, especially compared to some convoluted back stories I've read here on MDC. 

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Well, OP, funny you should mention all this, because I had a similar experience with my mom and SIL, but not about reading.  I sew and I've had a sewing machine for years.  I find the time to sew, even though my life is crazy busy.  My BIL recently bought a sewing machine for my sister.  My sister and I have extremely different lifestyles, to the point where sometimes I get extremely irritated (for irrational reasons) that she is JUST TOO BUSY to get anything done.  I won't go into details, but because like I said, my irritation is irrational.  After she got her sewing machine for her birthday, my mother commented that "it's a shame she won't get to use it...she just doesn't have time."   Argghh.  

So, I really have to step back and take a look at why this and other statements irritate me so much.  Part of it is that I place a lot of value on the activity of sewing...I enjoy it...I find the time to do it.  My sister does not place so much value on that particular activity.  I'm sure there are other activities that she prioritizes over the ones that I value.  She finds the time to do those activities.  It is tough to look at it that way, but in essence, that is what it is all about.  I just have to put my mother and others on "ignore."  It saves me a lot of grief.  :)

This post to me sums up the issue. When this poster's mother says about the SIL's sewing machine " "it's a shame she won't get to use it...she just doesn't have time" it's hard not to read that as "she won't be sewing because she doesn't have time to waste sitting around sewing like you do." If I were the OP or this poster, I'd be offended too, not because my SIL or sis doesn't enjoy and value my hobby, but rather b/c my mom/whoever is de-valuing my hobby by implying that it's not worthy of the other person's time. Why not just admit the other person doesn't like the activity, w/ the unspoken result that they don't want to devote the time to it? That, to me, is different (and less offensive) than implying that pursuing the hobby is a luxury of idleness, or something not important enough to do.

[TEAK's Mom]

OP, I completely understand. I have noticed lately that people treat reading as a lazy thing to do. Important people are too busy to read. Here's the thing, all of the people who have said this sort of thing to me lately also spend a lot of time watching television and playing video games. Personally, I want everyone to spend their leisure time in the way that they enjoy most, but I get frustrated when TV is treated as a necessity and reading as an indulgence. Do what you like and let me do the same.

[JamieCatheryn]

I agree that "I don't have time to___" or "I can't afford _____" means, most often, that it's not my priority. And as such it's up to me to evaluate for myself. The worst to me is when someone (close family especially) tells me they don't have time to be with me or talk on the phone, because I know they choose what they spend much of their time on. As for time and money for hobbies, that's up to them and it's acceptable shorthand in my opinion.

[JayGee]

I love to read, and read voraciously through all of my adulthood until my oldest was about 1, and then I stopped.  Why?  Because I would get SO into a book it was all I could think about.  I'd neglect my chores, not play with my son, tune out my husband, just so I could find out "what happens next".  So I forced myself to stop reading for about 5 years.  I'd buy a special book the day before my parents came to visit for a week, and read like a crazy woman while my Mom was here to help out, but then, no more books because I just can't control myself around a good book!!!

[Lisa1970]

I might tell someone I don't have the time to read, but in reality, I just do not enjoy sitting down with a "good book." I wish I did! I just don't. It is easier and kinder to just say that I don't have time to read, than admit that I actually have an aversion to reading fiction novels. (I also happen to have dyslexia, but I am a fine reader and a college graduate, I just really do not enjoy it). By kinder, I mean kinder to me. I don't want to feel like saying I am too dumb to sit and read a book. I am not dumb. It is just, to me, it feels like the words float off the page while I am trying to read and so I just do not like it. I actually love to read smaller things, like magazines and nonfiction books. But not fiction.

[Lisa1970]

Oh, but I do love books on tape. But even there, I definitely prefer certain types. I like historical fiction or nonfiction about history. I listen in the car so they need to be on CD. Maybe your SIL would like that? Then she can listen when she is driving with her children.

[GuildJenn]

Okay, gently... I think you invited the comment when you framed it like "I didn't get her this, so now I have to figure it out."  You set up the contrast and they just kind of ran with it.

It's the difference between:

"Oh I know Jane doesn't exercise, so I have to figure out a gift for her that doesn't involve moving around."

and

"I'm not sure what to get for Jane this year."

I think you might be irritated because they were in a sense leaping to her defense, and you didn't mean for her to need to be defended. But I do think the contrasting of interests accidentally set the conversation up that way

[Callimom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn 

Okay, gently... I think you invited the comment when you framed it like "I didn't get her this, so now I have to figure it out."  You set up the contrast and they just kind of ran with it.

It's the difference between:

"Oh I know Jane doesn't exercise, so I have to figure out a gift for her that doesn't involve moving around."

and

"I'm not sure what to get for Jane this year."

I think you might be irritated because they were in a sense leaping to her defense, and you didn't mean for her to need to be defended. But I do think the contrasting of interests accidentally set the conversation up that way

This plus the fact that she has 1 year old twins. She's probably lucky to have time to shower.

[Boot]

Originally Posted by JayGee 

I love to read, and read voraciously through all of my adulthood until my oldest was about 1, and then I stopped.  Why?  Because I would get SO into a book it was all I could think about.  I'd neglect my chores, not play with my son, tune out my husband, just so I could find out "what happens next".  So I forced myself to stop reading for about 5 years.  I'd buy a special book the day before my parents came to visit for a week, and read like a crazy woman while my Mom was here to help out, but then, no more books because I just can't control myself around a good book!!!

This is me too. I'm like an addict. I can never just read for half an hour. So I only read when I really do have a block on time which isn't very often with a baby and a 3 year old.  There was a list of 100 books going round facebook recently and you had to bold all the ones you've read. I'd read 64 of them, but mostly a very long time ago. The other thing I find is that I can't handle 'heavy' books anymore. I need light escapism, like murder mysteries (funny how they are considered light!).

To the OP - have you thought of another gift? How about some nice bath/shower stuff or comfy slippers or nice gloves?

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by ~PurityLake~ 

 She's not too busy to read, she doesn't want to read. And no one cares about that, all you wanted to know is what would she like, and they imply you're sitting around doing nothing but reading instead of being busy parenting like your SIL is doing. I get it.

Yeah, hearing it twice would make me wonder what the message was there, too.

When I say I don't have time to sew, I mean that I don't have it as a priority and do not enjoy the process. I would imagine anyone else would just say "Yeah, hoopin' mama is just not into sewing much".