Why do I keep thinking about my ex's?

[smeep]

*Disclaimer: I have no intentions of dating, period. Not either of these guys, not anyone. At all. Just so no one has to bother telling me to keep my priorities straight and refrain from dating. *

So... now that I'm in this craziness (baby on the way, the "father" is a UAV to put it nicely) I've been thinking a lot about two of my ex's.

I think often about the last long term relationship prior to this baby's "father." I don't know why...but I do. He was really, really great...until he got scared and ditched us. Right after I quit my job and I was left to scramble and barely managed to keep a roof over my head and had to get food from my parents. I keep thinking about how, up until that point, he really was great, whereas baby's "father" had only a few weeks of being good. Never great (though I might have fooled myself a little at the time into thinking he was). But there's a reason why I no longer speak to ditchy-ex. While he was great for a good long time, he ended up doing a horrible thing. I decided I couldn't even be friends with him after that, and I do not regret that decision.

I also think a lot about the father of my second child (that I lost). Long story short with him... the baby was conceived on a very stupid night with a lot of alcohol and very, very stupid mistakes. I'll admit it. And when I told him he was pretty distant. We didn't really talk about it...and when I lost the baby he would occasionally text me asking how I was. We lost touch a few months later (my phone broke, he changed his number) and then a year later he got in touch with me again. He searched out his old phone to get my number. We finally talked about the baby and everything. It healed a lot of emotional wounds for me. Up until recently (now that my phone is shut off because I have no job to pay it), so for the past year that we've been in touch again, he periodically texts me to see how I'm doing. We had a stupid night that resulted in a pregnancy that ended a couple months later and he still cares about me. He has the same attachment to me that I seem to have to him...there may be nothing romantic there, but each of us is the parent of the child that we almost had. Make any sense?

Anyway...so I keep thinking about them. And it's driving me nuts. I just keep thinking about the "best" relationship I had and the "best" biodad any of my children had (DS's biodad has never met him and is totally out of the picture)...and it just breaks my heart. What is so wrong with me and, more importantly, what's so wrong with my children that the BEST we ever had was, overall, pretty shitty anyway? 

Bleh. I just needed to get out a little self pity moment. Overall, I'm doing really well. Things are looking up for me and I'm grateful for what I do have (that my family and I are slowly mending things, and always grateful for my children)...but we all have self pity moments, I suppose.

If you read this far, thanks for listening. I'm so thankful to have a place where I can just get these feelings out and know that I will be understood. 

[PoppyMama]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I, obviously, don't know what's going on in your head but I watch my dd (who is also bipolar) and I worry for her so much.  She grasps at people who aren't good for her (and she isn't good for them) in an attempt to fill an emptiness and to live outside her own head for a while.  The poor choices just keep coming and she keeps making the same mistakes.  It's heartbreaking to watch and must be terrible to live.  

[lynsage]

I've been reading some of your other threads. I'm not a therapist or anything of the sort, but it sounds to me like you're revisiting/processing past relationship issues because of where you are in your life right now. Especially with your decision to stay single for a while, this is the point in your life where you may be ready to take a good look at what's happened up to now and decide how you're going to avoid repeating those patterns.

Also, there can be a tendency to want to fall back into old, "safe" ways of being, even if they were harmful to us, when we're presented with an opportunity to totally change our lives and move forward. Changing and moving on is a lot scarier than continuing to make those same, easy mistakes. Combine that with loneliness and wanting to have the comfort and relative security of having a partner who pays attention to us and gives us affection, it's no wonder you'd be thinking a lot about the men in your past. 

My advice would be to do some journaling about it and get really honest with yourself about why these people are NOT good for you and do NOT deserve your attention or time. Don't dwell on what could have been if only you or he or thing X or thing Y had been different, just get it all out and make a strategy for having better relationships with yourself and others in the future.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I, obviously, don't know what's going on in your head but I watch my dd (who is also bipolar) and I worry for her so much.  She grasps at people who aren't good for her (and she isn't good for them) in an attempt to fill an emptiness and to live outside her own head for a while.  The poor choices just keep coming and she keeps making the same mistakes.  It's heartbreaking to watch and must be terrible to live.  

Reading this actually makes me tear up. I think my parents (at least my dad, for sure) feels this way a lot. Some of the UAV guys I've dated or friends I've had, now looking back, were pretty "well, duh!" Though the ditchy-ex I mentioned was very unexpected, seriously, no one expected it at all. But most everyone else...yeah, it should've been pretty clear very early on. And that's why there were so many potential romantic interests that I cut off very, very quickly before it gets anywhere because I can just see the warning signs. But apparently I don't see all the warning signs and I need to work on that, big time.

Originally Posted by lynsage 

I've been reading some of your other threads. I'm not a therapist or anything of the sort, but it sounds to me like you're revisiting/processing past relationship issues because of where you are in your life right now. Especially with your decision to stay single for a while, this is the point in your life where you may be ready to take a good look at what's happened up to now and decide how you're going to avoid repeating those patterns.

Also, there can be a tendency to want to fall back into old, "safe" ways of being, even if they were harmful to us, when we're presented with an opportunity to totally change our lives and move forward. Changing and moving on is a lot scarier than continuing to make those same, easy mistakes. Combine that with loneliness and wanting to have the comfort and relative security of having a partner who pays attention to us and gives us affection, it's no wonder you'd be thinking a lot about the men in your past. 

My advice would be to do some journaling about it and get really honest with yourself about why these people are NOT good for you and do NOT deserve your attention or time. Don't dwell on what could have been if only you or he or thing X or thing Y had been different, just get it all out and make a strategy for having better relationships with yourself and others in the future.

I do need to do a lot of journaling on it and figuring out why it's all happening. I think, as in the case of this baby's "father," it was a matter of just wanting so much for it to work out. He honestly tricked me into thinking he was a good guy (for a short while, at least) and I wanted so, so much for one of my children to have a loving, involved father. I wanted it so much that I ignored all the warning signs and I take full responsibility for that, as much as I want to pretend that he pulled the wool so far over my eyes that no one would have seen it...but it was so obvious after only a little time. I just didn't want to see it. 

As for dwelling on what could be if certain things had been different.... I do, occasionally (and I did a LOT with ditchy-ex before I made the decision to end all contact with him completely)...but I think at this point I've come to realize that there was a reason why it didn't work. Yes, I have my faults in a LOT of these, but what it comes down to is I was treated horribly, regardless of any mistakes I made, and no one who truly cares for their partner would do those things, period. Even if I had my faults under better control (better at cleaning and better bipolar management, not nagging so much lol, etc.) I know these guys would have ended up crapping out...because it came down to their issues, not mine. In fact, this baby's "father" is a PERFECT example of that! While not on the meds my bipolar went a little out of control (not terribly at all, but definitely more than anyone wants) and I saw immediately what was going on. So I stopped. I figured out ways to manage it and I got my stuff together. I got the house spotless and KEPT it spotless, even picking up his empty beer cans and clothes and dirty dishes and food and things that he left out that grossed me out, I stopped nagging about those things, and I got myself together and never, ever showed any kind of frustration or sadness or anger in front of him at all. It didn't do any good. He was too wrapped him in himself and his own desires (to not have me around, to not have a child, to be out there so "ex can do whatever ex wants to do" which was his original plan before I got pregnant). He treated me worse and worse and worse. Nothing I did fixed it. And that just goes to show that I can only blame myself so much...what it comes down to is that I somehow keep picking these UAV guys somehow and my "craziness" only speeds up the breakup process a bit more. 

Anyway...thank you. 

[lynsage]

 I figured out ways to manage it and I got my stuff together. I got the house spotless and KEPT it spotless, even picking up his empty beer cans and clothes and dirty dishes and food and things that he left out that grossed me out, I stopped nagging about those things, and I got myself together and never, ever showed any kind of frustration or sadness or anger in front of him at all. It didn't do any good. 

I hope you know that's not the description of a good relationship either...someday you will be able to be with someone that you'll be able to just BE YOU with. I get angry and frustrated and sad in front of my husband all the time- but I had to get to a place in my life where I was ok with those feelings and ok with the way I conduct myself when I have those feelings before I could get into a good, loving relationship with him.

The other stuff you said is right on. When a relationship doesn't work out it's for a reason, and it's not all your fault.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i agree.  we just are not compatible with every person that we have been in "relationships" with.  if we were, things would have been fine and they would not be the folks that tend to conjure up bad memories for us.  it's hard indeed because i am a visual person and can play back things with such clarity, you would think it was a television show.  that is a blessing and a curse.  so believe me.  i can feel your pain.  but you will heal and you will move along remembering that those folks are in your past for a very distinct reason.  i had to tell myself that as i began clearing old phone numbers from my cell phone.  you have a whole future out there ahead of you.  leave that old stuff and those old mistakes right where they happened. 

[smeep]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

 I figured out ways to manage it and I got my stuff together. I got the house spotless and KEPT it spotless, even picking up his empty beer cans and clothes and dirty dishes and food and things that he left out that grossed me out, I stopped nagging about those things, and I got myself together and never, ever showed any kind of frustration or sadness or anger in front of him at all. It didn't do any good. 

I hope you know that's not the description of a good relationship either...someday you will be able to be with someone that you'll be able to just BE YOU with. I get angry and frustrated and sad in front of my husband all the time- but I had to get to a place in my life where I was ok with those feelings and ok with the way I conduct myself when I have those feelings before I could get into a good, loving relationship with him.

The other stuff you said is right on. When a relationship doesn't work out it's for a reason, and it's not all your fault.

Oh, I totally know that! That's the whole thing...I fixed the things that I was screwing up on and it made zero difference. That just proved that it was HIM and that it didn't matter what I changed, he didn't want ME or THIS baby (you know, but the ex who he left before because she threw a lamp at him and her kids are so much better ). But I am glad that I made those changes. For one, the obvious fact that I realized it wasn't me, it was him. But I learned ways to cope with clutter and successfully keep things in check, I learned how to manage my bipolar relatively okay (though VERY hard) while pregnant and hormonal without meds and living in a place where I felt lonely and unwanted every second of every day, and I learned a little more how to just let certain things go that didn't matter in the big picture (like the dirty laundry that he could never pick up off the bathroom floor, haha). 

I'm taking it as another learning experience. And, honestly, he was such a horrible, horrible person but I wouldn't change the way anything happened. Sure, I would change the fact that he destroyed my things and a couple other parts...but, for the most part, I wouldn't change it. By (stupidly) moving in with him so soon, this all went down much sooner. Way better than if I had moved in later and all this happened when I was about to give birth any day or with a newborn and that would have been so much more scary. I was going to figure out sooner or later what a horrible human being he is, so I'm happy it did happen sooner than later. So I can work on moving past it and enjoying this new little baby that's mine, all mine!!!  And I got out in time to keep my baby from getting his last name! Which I am super excited about. My last name is so unique and rare that I honestly don't ever want any of my kids to not have my last name, hehe.

Oh, and I don't have to worry about him wanting to name the baby Fortunella! 

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Bad Mama Jama 

i agree.  we just are not compatible with every person that we have been in "relationships" with.  if we were, things would have been fine and they would not be the folks that tend to conjure up bad memories for us.  it's hard indeed because i am a visual person and can play back things with such clarity, you would think it was a television show.  that is a blessing and a curse.  so believe me.  i can feel your pain.  but you will heal and you will move along remembering that those folks are in your past for a very distinct reason.  i had to tell myself that as i began clearing old phone numbers from my cell phone.  you have a whole future out there ahead of you.  leave that old stuff and those old mistakes right where they happened. 

 Thank you.